The man in the tie

[littlenick055]

The Man With The Tie

By: Nick Buglione

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Major Characters of chapter one.

Nicky Mansani-former hit-man, convict

Salvatore Leone-mob boss

Leon McAffrey-crooked cop

Curtly-target

Luigi Goterelli-manager of the Leone night club

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Chapter 1:A Felon With Freedom

 

Looking down the barrel of his gun, Nicholas Mansani, was about to pull the trigger on one of his latest targets, Curtly. Curtly was one of Nick’s hardest targets because no one knew anything about him, his address, family, or even his job was unknown to the public. The reward for taking his life was five-hundred thousand, but that was about to turn into a cell, and a prison sentence.

“Put your hands in the air, Nicky!” yelled Detective McAffrey with his gun drawn to Nick’s head. The one who had put the hit on Curtly was about to arrest the man trying to fulfill that hit. Nick put his hands next to his ears, “You pig.” said Nick under his breath. “Onto your knees and put your hands behind your head, you mafia bastard!” demanded McAffrey. Nick didn’t even attempt to get away, he believed that is what he deserved, a life sentence. He made people suffer, and caused tears and pain. Curtly tried to run away from the scene but around the counter of Marco’s Bistro, was another officer in the doorway of his exit. Both were arrested, one getting a sixty years to life, and the other in witness protection, but you could guess which one got what.

A few days after court, Nick would start his sentence, which at the time was now. Getting driven from one precinct to the federal prison on Staunton Island, Nick was in a high security van with three men. “Whatchu’ in here for’?” asked 8-ball, the owner of 8-ball’s bomb shop. Nick said, “Me? sh*t…first degree murder, twenty-six times. Can you believe that?” All three men were shocked. 8-ball repeated his question two more times. The first time he got, “Fraud.” coming from an old man. Next, he didn’t get an answer from a young man, with spiked hair.

The van came to a sudden stop. “Why we stop man?” 8-ball asked to the officer next to him. He shrugged. The back doors opened up. “Senor dickhead” said one man holding an m-4 to the officer, “Its no problem to kill you!” the other Cuban said. The old man walked out of the van into the Cuban’s car, “Iy, iy, get lost!” demanded the one Cuban getting into the driver seat. While this all went on, Nick thought that if he were to go to prison, his family may get hurt from the mob, and he would not be able to do anything about it. So right after 8-ball hit the cop in his face that was standing in front of the vans opened back doors, Nick sprinted to the ledge of the bridge that the van was on and hopped off onto a hill next to a diner.

The bridge blew up for some reason, Nick thought everyone died up there but no. Nick heard a voice on the bridge , “I know a place at the edge of the Red Light District where we could lay low. But my hands are all messed up, so you betta drive, brotha.” He had to act fast, and he needed a place to stay until the heat cools down, so he followed.

[Eminence]

First thing's first - what's the point in having a brief character outline at the start? It serves very little purpose - it's a tiny chapter for one, so we don't really need to know; plus you should be introducing the characters through the narrative itself. There's no need to include something so pointless as a "characters featured in chapter 1" list.

 

Now, onto the story itself. It is, for the most part, pretty poorly described; and a lot of it seems either informal or just nonsensical. In addition, the way you link it to the GTA3 opening is more annoying than anything; it's so shameless. It would have been much better to subtly allude to the fact that it is occurring during the same sequence, but the way you simply use the dialogue from the scene and everything just really spoils the story. As well as that, it makes it much less original.

 

Regarding the actual way the story is written, here's a few points I picked up on:

 

 

Looking down the barrel of his gun, Nicholas Mansani, was about to pull the trigger on one of his latest targets, Curtly.

 

To begin with, the punctuation in this sentence is applied incorrectly - there shouldn't be a comma after Mansani. However, in addition to this, the whole sentence doesn't flow well; it isn't structured in a very good way. You say he was "about to pull the trigger on" ... what do you mean, "on"? This makes little sense - you have to describe instead that the gun is aimed at Curtly, then say he was about to pull the trigger. It's a pretty small point, I know; it is easily understood what you mean by saying 'on', but strictly speaking it makes little sense.

 

 

but that was about to turn into a cell, and a prison sentence.

 

This is a bad thing to include in the narrative - you're actually saying what's going to happen next - he is going to get arrested. It's almost like spoiling the events of the story - there's no need to read on as we know what is going to happen; you just told us. It would be better to say something more like "but that could soon turn into a cell..." or something - hint at it, don't say what happens.

 

 

Nick didn’t even attempt to get away, he believed that is what he deserved, a life sentence. He made people suffer, and caused tears and pain.

 

This is so cliche. So cliche. It's unbearable. Assassin who believes he deserves his punishment because of what he does to others. If you're going to include this angle, you want to do it in a vivid, unique or descriptive way - not just a simple sentence. What you have here is simply basic, poor, cliche character building.

 

 

Both were arrested, one getting a sixty years to life, and the other in witness protection, but you could guess which one got what.

 

I couldn't really figure this out - both of who? Who was getting arrested? You've gone from describing the officer to then saying 'both were arrested' - what? As well as this, it's informal to simply say "but you could guess which one got what" - you should either say so or not, you don't pose that type of question/statement to a reader in a narrative like this.

 

 

A few days after court, Nick would start his sentence, which at the time was now.

 

Now this is just a bit mixed up ... you're pretty much switching the tenses, but you do it in a very confusing way. You start by alluding to the future - "a few days after court", but this suddenly becomes the present out of nowhere - "which was now" ... this makes no sense whatsoever. Poor writing - you can't just skip ahead like this.

 

Following this is the whole annoying GTA3 sequence. This could be done cleverly to explain what happened from this character's point of view - but it's just too in-your-face. Especially the way you then detail how 8-ball says his short piece to Claude - there's just no need for it. In addition, having him survive a jump from the bridge seems a little realistic, no matter what happens in GTA.

 

As well as this, you're not writing the dialogue out correctly - you should start a new line whenever a different character speaks. You're just including the speech mid-sentence, which confuses the reader about who is speaking, and also simply looks messy.

 

I'll be honest - I didn't enjoy it. It was too scrappy, and the description is lackluster. As well as this, despite being able to see how you wanted to be clever by including the GTA3 opening sequence, it's just executed in such a poor way that it becomes really unnecessary to the story.

 

Try working on improving the description, as well as the general way in which you structure your stories.

[littlenick055]

I forgot to add that it is not finished, sorry about that one. Thanks for the advice too. I'll improve upon it soon, if ever.