What goes around comes around

[The Unvirginiser]

Ok guys, think Hitman meets Saw meets Hostel meets killbill. only just wrote the first chapter.. feedback please.

 

What goes around comes around

 

The sound of water trickling filled the bushes behind the abandoned, derelict mansion. Scott was having difficulty aiming his urine; he had left the game of cards in the garden to shoot some cocaine that he had stolen from another player. The drug was taking affect; he felt the high as his throat burned. Scott was only a teenager, but he had quickly been taken in by the British drug and gang scene. Now he found himself spending his days in the abandoned drug house, occasionally going out and robbing people to pay for the expensive habit.

“You know you should really do that in a toilet.” A voice echoed behind him that made him jump.

“What the f*ck man?” He shouted aggressively at the silhouette behind a cigarette, the figure was broad and stood confidently in the presence of one of the members of the “Blades”.

“Who the f*ck are you trespassing here? You made me piss all over my god damn pants you c*nt! This is private property you stupid tw*t, now f*ck off before you get yourself jibbed!” Scott could not understand how a man would come to the wilderness behind the abandoned mansion in the middle of nowhere.

“My business here is quite personal; do the names Emily and Samantha Jackson mean anything to you Scott?” The man calmly asked.

At first Scott thought that he was hearing things.

“How do you know my name?” He asked cautiously.

“Do the names Emily and Samantha Jackson mean anything to you?” The silhouette asked more aggressively in a raised voice.

“No” Scott replied, his voice trembling.

“Oh they meant a lot to me.” The man said, his voice calm again “They were my life, my entire life until you and your drugged up gang raided my home for my money and possessions. But you couldn’t stop there could you? You had to torture and rape my wife and daughter in front of my eyes. I remember you Scott, them telling you to hold them tightly while they penetrated my beautiful wife and daughter. I remember you letting go and beating my wife like an animal while you had your turn. I know you very well Scott and tonight the man you thought was dead has come to explain the theory of what goes around comes around!”

Scott was speechless, before his reactions could process what was happening the man had took a few quick steps towards him and he felt the tearing pain of a blade slashing from his right eye, through his nose and lips then finally to his chin. He cupped his face in pain and bent forward, his eye had been cut down the iris and warm, pumping blood was pouring down his body. As he was looking down screaming the man put a hand over his mouth and quickly rammed the blade upwards several painful time in to his stomach and chest. Scott was still bent over with the powerful grip around his sliced lips. The knife was then placed firmly in to Scott’s throat; he stayed alive just long enough to feel it come out of the back of his neck.

 

Just fiished chapter 2, i'm going bed now, will write chapter three tommorow night. The general idea is he works through the house killing everybody in his path.

 

Danny was looking at Scott’s cards, his little brother Aaron was sat to his left on the table. Behind Danny was the old drug house, there was, as always a party going on. The stolen speakers boomed out a loud base, the kitchen window was filled with dancing silhouettes. Danny heard the approaching footsteps and quickly put the card back, laughing with his brother.

“Hurry up man! Where did you go via for that piss man? Mozambique?”

“Very funny.” The approaching figure said. It was not Scott’s voice, and he was carrying a duffel bag on his right shoulder. Mr Jackson approached the rusty garden table with odd non-matching chairs. Seated in front of him was a man he recognised, the tall skinny man was the one who raided his wardrobes and cupboards, mocking him and ripping up family photos. To his left was a smaller man, more like a child, he looked around 16.

Danny was hesitant, he was still not sure whether this was Scott or not.

“What’s in the bag Scott?” he asked cautiously.

“This.” the figure replied. The man who now was clearly not Scott he was a middle aged man with heavy stubble and glasses. He had untidy black hair and a brown raincoat on. Danny went to stand up but the man pulled out a large pistol. Before Danny could say “Holy sh*t” or put his arms up in defence the man had fired two shots. One hit his right collar bones and the other in the middle of his chest. He fell back in to his chair and tipped backwards to the floor.

The man picked up one of the empty beer bottles and smashed it in to Aaron’s face; he fell sideways in his chair to the floor. The man then flipped the table over which landed on Danny’s groin. Danny looked up; he was coughing blood and struggling to breathe. The figure overhead dropped the duffel bag and removed a large cleaver from inside his coat. It was easily 14 inches long and already had blood on. The man eyed it as he said “And the name is Mr. Jackson.”

Danny’s thoughts flashed back to Jackson family portrait that he had set on fire; he closed his yes briefly and remembered the money that he had stolen from the house. It had bought him weeks worth of drugs and beer. As he re-opened his eyes he saw the blade being lunged in to his face, his scream seemed to get trapped in his throat as the cleaver went right through his nose and forehead.

Aaron was holding his head; it was the first time in years that he had seen his own blood. Suddenly he felt the powerful grip of the man who had just bottled him. He was picked up of his feet to match eye level with the fearsome looking man.

“I don’t seem to remember you” He said in a eerie voice. “However I will do you a favour and save you from a life of drugs and crime.” Aaron had to hold back a smile, did this mean the man would spare him. Just as his lips started to spread he felt a strong knee to his groin. He was then being pulled by his hair to the nearby barbeque.

“No man! Please it’s on fire man! Please no!” The little resistance Aaron gave was futile as his face was rammed against the burning hot grill of the barbeque. His eyes burnt with the flames scorching his face. His brain rattled as the lid banged off the side of his head that wasn’t against the flames. Mr Jackson held the lid which was equally as hot as the grill against Aaron’s head. He then viciously slammed it again and again until Aarons twitching body was motionless.

Mr. Jackson ripped the lid off since it was on its hinges. Aaron’s body slipped out of the barbeque. There was a black grill mark on his face. The teenager was now dead along with his brother and friend. Mr. Jackson looked up at the window. He could see silhouettes of people dancing to the incredibly loud music inside. The speakers were that loud that the gunshot sound had been drowned out. Mr. Jackson rooted through his Duffel bag and found what he was looking for. A cricket balls with a tiny hole in the top. On the exterior of the balls nails pointed outwards, Mr Jackson had cleverly designed this himself. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey from the bag, emptied sum inside the cricket ball and then stuffed a small handkerchief in to the hole.

With a lighter he lit one end; the flame quickly burnt upwards and approached the hole in the ball. With great force Mr. Jackson steamed the ball through the kitchen window. The smash made all the silhouettes jump. Mr Jackson hit the floor with his hands over his head. The remaining window was then blown out by the blast. Screams were heard and Jackson felt the nails and glasses landing in the grass around him. He stood up and calmly removed the small one handed chainsaw from his bag. He then approached the kitchen door with a smile and entered. People were lying everywhere, men and women with limbs missing and wounds bleeding from the nail impact. Some people looked up to him; he casually smiled as he pulled the starting cord to his chain saw.

Edited January 3, 2009 by The Unvirginiser

[Eminence]

To begin with, just a couple things I picked out:

 

 

the abandoned, derelict mansion.

 

Derelict is a synonym of abandoned - they mean the same thing. I wouldn't use them together, it's trying to make your description sound juicy, when it's not.

 

 

“You know you should really do that in a toilet.” A voice echoed behind him that made him jump.

 

This is simply grammatical - there should be a comma at the end of the line of dialogue, and so the attribution should begin with a lowercase 'a'. If there is attribution after the dialogue, it should never finish with a full-stop; more on this can be found in this topic, see the section written by BrassKnuckles. This is a continuous mistake throughout when you are writing out your dialogue - the attribution should always begin with a lowercase letter, whether following a comma, question mark or exclamation mark.

 

 

Behind Danny was the old drug house, there was, as always a party going on.

 

Your usage of commas to split this sentence up here makes it a little confusing to read. It would flow much better if you punctuated it more like this:

 

 

Behind Danny was the old drug house; there was, as always, a party going on.

 

 

Before Danny could say “Holy sh*t” or put his arms up in defence the man had fired two shots.

 

Including this 'quote' into the middle of the sentence doesn't help the sentence flow at all. Either have him yell holy sh*t, or don't - you can't say "before he managed to say it". Instead, saying "before Danny could react" would be much more suitable.

 

 

The man who now was clearly not Scott he was a middle aged man with heavy stubble and glasses. He had untidy black hair and a brown raincoat on. Danny went to stand up but the man pulled out a large pistol. Before Danny could say “Holy sh*t” or put his arms up in defence the man had fired two shots. One hit his right collar bones and the other in the middle of his chest. He fell back in to his chair and tipped backwards to the floor.

 

This entire section is filled with a lot of description - problem is, most of it is extremely basic. "He had heavy stubble and glasses. He had untidy black hair. He pulled out a large pistol."

 

Just things like that. It's all too simple - try being a little more unique and interesting with the description to capture the readers imagination a little more.

 

 

Mr. Jackson ripped the lid off since it was on its hinges. Aaron’s body slipped out of the barbeque. There was a black grill mark on his face. The teenager was now dead along with his brother and friend. Mr. Jackson looked up at the window. He could see silhouettes of people dancing to the incredibly loud music inside. The speakers were that loud that the gunshot sound had been drowned out. Mr. Jackson rooted through his Duffel bag and found what he was looking for. A cricket balls with a tiny hole in the top.

 

I've quoted a large section here, but you'll notice - it is filled with numerous short sentences; too many. Use more connectives, otherwise it seems like you are simply dictating points to the reader as opposed to describing them - this happened, that happened, he did this, they did that. Again, it's too basic.

 

 

In general, I think it's a very interesting piece. You've created a decent plot that is supposed to be twisted and sadistic, but the execution of it in the end leaves a bit to be desired. You are featuring such grisly events, and yet not once as a reader was I repelled or affected by the piece - the description isn't vivid enough. There is so much violence, and yet a lot of it is coupled with little to no description - the description that is featured is mostly basic. Try going a little more in-depth with the description to give the piece more effect.

 

Nice little ending to the chapter though, keeping us on edge. Not bad overall - I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

[Oxidizer]

So far, just read the first chapter. This is intense! I was cringing when the vengeful guy used his blade - I thought Scott was going to be castrated.

 

I'll definitely read the rest later! Great story.

[The Unvirginiser]

So far, just read the first chapter. This is intense! I was cringing when the vengeful guy used his blade - I thought Scott was going to be castrated.

 

I'll definitely read the rest later! Great story.

Cheers guys, chapter three is in production