The Attic:

[TheJonesy]

The Attic: A Psychological Journey

 

Note to the Audience:

 

I know it has been a while since I have posted in this discussion. I am sincerely sorry for not responding to anything. I may have "abandoned" this place along with respect to others. I plan to continue discussing and write in this forum and hope to improve in this field...

 

Introduction

 

Life isn't as easy as you think. Many people go on with their lives forgetting about trouble, pain, and the many obsticules that face men and women through the mysterious and unknown journey they call life. But there is a much larger universe out there than you think. But sometimes, getting there is the worst part. The consequence is the fear that ends life...death.

Edited July 12, 2007 by TheJonesy

[Eminence]

Firstly, don't worry that you haven't been posting too much as of late - it happens to everyone, I guess. Besides, I've seen you posting around recently, so it seems like you're back.

 

Anyways, this seems very interesting - I'm intrigued, to say the least. I'd like to see the first part before judging it at all, though. Looking forward to it though, it sounds good.

 

 

Oh, and it's obstacles, not obsticules. Hehe.

 

 

Completely off-topic... party on.

[TheJonesy]

Where I Remain: Part I

 

Why? That's all I can say at this point. My children, my wife, even my life...why? What has become of this world. I stare out the window with disbelief. Fathers playing with their sons, mothers aiding their daughters in womenhood. Couples enabled to give love and support to their spouses. I have none of these and many other experiences to enjoy.

 

As my life goes, I am surrounded by crazies. Much less sanitary and clean as that of a hospital. Stench of mold and rust in every room, every place. Even when the sun shines the brightest, not a glimmer of light glows. Our rags that are supposedly clothes are torn and our "dorms" are less liveable than the next. It doesn't even matter if we have beds, cause it isn't like anybody sleeps anyway.

 

But I remain in this bed. These are just my thoughts. Most of the insane people in this asylum don't even realize they are living at all. That or they deny the reason they are in here. As for me, I have no clue. I am in here for a reason and that explains enough.

 

But lately, I haven't been doing so well. I have been on close watch for over three weeks now. It supprises me that they even care. I have finally become immune to the constant beaping of my own heart rate. It's ironic that my beating and living heart annoys me so much, yet I would do so much to stay alive. But it isn't the case now, since I could technically be called dead already. I am paralyzed: my limbs, my head, my whole body...it can't move. Only the eyes remain active.

 

But I guess that's why I am here, right? Do these people think I cannot think, feel or even love? I may be the only person that can realize...that we all are just prisoners inside these bodies, these shells. But this wasn't always what it has been, but I remain a prisoner in my body. Paralyzed or not, we are all trapped and there is no way out...

Edited July 12, 2007 by TheJonesy

[TheJonesy]

Firstly, don't worry that you haven't been posting too much as of late - it happens to everyone, I guess. Besides, I've seen you posting around recently, so it seems like you're back.

 

Anyways, this seems very interesting - I'm intrigued, to say the least. I'd like to see the first part before judging it at all, though. Looking forward to it though, it sounds good.

 

 

Oh, and it's obstacles, not obsticules. Hehe.

 

 

Completely off-topic... party on.

I thought something wasn't right with the spelling.

 

Anyway, I feel confident about this one. It won't be too long, but enough too keep you satisfied. More to come on the way...

 

So far, how is it?

Hope I improved since Rock City!

[Eminence]

So far, it's not bad - it's a good start. I'm quite liking the direction of it, so I'll definitely be following it. It's much improved over Rock City, yes ... haha.

 

The "My children, my wife, even my life...why?" sentence seemed a little weird and confusing though - what exactly are you saying? It seemed like a bit of a strange way to open the piece.

 

As well as that, there's unneeded apostrophes after fathers, mothers and couples. In this case, it's correct to just say "fathers playing with their sons", as opposed to adding an apostrophe to the end.

[TheJonesy]

Where I Remain: Part II

 

My place here couldn't have been stopped. I understand that you have to take things as they are and live with them. There is no going back. But this "madhouse" here is just too much. What am I to do about it, cause my death is bound to come any minute, or even any second.

 

Looking out that window really brought back memories. Sweet Ella, my little Peter and my wonderful, bound-to-be-widowed wife Marie. Why does it seem that I missed out on so much of her life, even if she was only two years young. She had eyes like her mother; they sparkled and were big and so innocent. Eyes that decieve and brighten a rainy day. Marie had created such a great daughter. She taught her well and raised her well. As for Peter, abortion was a choice we had to make.

 

Everything was perfect. Except for that day. All I wanted to do was have a nice little trip to Chicago with my family. If it wasn't for the exact day of the horrible blizzared that we would still be together. If only the car would have went a little slower, we would have not flew over that cliff. I seemed that every second of my thirty-five years on this Earth had flew by as we plummeted to the bottom. I was numb as numb could be. And I had to sit and watch as my wife and daughter burned alive in the demolished car without being able to help...

 

I am here now. Having to live with such regret and emotional pain. I lay here dying slowly, painfully and unable to stop it.

Edited July 12, 2007 by TheJonesy

[TubbyJ]

I'm impressed, it's a cool concept. The way you write it only makes it better. The whole "trapped in my own body" thing is so intriguing, I feel for the guy. Good job so far, Eminence already covered my further comments (as he always does ).

[TheJonesy]

 

I'm impressed, it's a cool concept. The way you write it only makes it better. The whole "trapped in my own body" thing is so intriguing, I feel for the guy. Good job so far, Eminence already covered my further comments (as he always does  ).

I was just anxious to see if I've improved or not. Imagination and creativeness is my specialty and I don't want it to go to waist.

 

 

Edited July 13, 2007 by TheJonesy

[TheJonesy]

Where I Remain: Part III

 

In my opinion, wanting to die and not being able to is worse than death itself. Yeah, people don't want to die. It ends life, it ends your relationship with your family and friends. What do I have to miss? What do I have to leave? Nothing.

 

My condition is like a coma, but you have to sit and watch life slowly pass by. I can tell I was stressed out because my heart rate went up. The doctors think it's odd that my heart does that only because they think I am brain-dead. So I just manage to sleep all day. Other than that, I stare at the ceiling thinking, pondering. It is hard to stare at it, since it is stained and torn. To my right, water drips from a large and weathered hole above me.

 

But something was different from any other day. My concienceness escaped me every tick of the clock. The room widen, the ceiling rose higher and higher. The feeling of your heart skipping a beat became nothing compared to my decreasing rate. Doctors rushed into my room, surrounding my cold, weak body as the rushed to keep me alive.

 

But I was not worried, I just wanted to leave this life peacefully and quietly. They continued to keep me alive, but I felt something was...different. I felt as if I were watching my own body slipping away from myself. It is almost a out-of-body experience.

 

The thin light that barely lit the room and the horrible aroma that surrounded me for solong has completely disappeared from existence. The only thing I could see, the only thing I could hear was the constant screech of noise no one wants to face. It was my flatline.

[Eminence]

So far it seems very fragmented in places, making it hard to read. I can understand that this could be for effect to show the mental condition of the character, but a lot of the time it just comes off as confusing and hinders the piece's flow.

 

 

Sweet Ella, my little Peter and my wonderful, bound-to-be-widowed wife Marie. Why does it seem that I missed out on so much of her life, even if she was only two years young.

 

You finish the first sentence by describing the character's wife, Marie - this means that any subsequent 'she' should apply to her. Instead, however, the second sentence is actually referring to his daughter - confusing, as it sounds like you're describing Maria.

 

In addition to some of these problems, the description is oftentimes pretty basic - there was a paragraph I was reading that seemed like you'd put it in simply to say "there's some description" - but it's very bland and uninteresting:

 

 

It is hard to stare at it, since it is stained and torn. To my right, water drips from a large and weathered hole above me.

 

This description is too simple, as well as being pretty redundant - it has no bearing on anything in the story. It's completely redundant information.

 

In addition, there was an error with tense-switching towards the end:

 

 

It is almost a out-of-body experience.

 

This, obviously, should be "was".

 

As well as that, it should be "an", not "a" ... there were also a few other occasions in the piece where you spelled a few things incorrectly, or where typos occurred - this really takes away from the story as you read it:

 

 

Doctors rushed into my room, surrounding my cold, weak body as the rushed to keep me alive.

 

Just simple things like that.

 

All-in-all, it's not bad, but it's a little fragmented and it lacks direction somewhat ... at no point do I seem to truly care about what this man is saying. Some of it seems a little forced, like the way the car blew up - it's just adding negative description to make everything seem so bad, when in actual fact ... I don't understand what's wrong with him in the first place.

[TheJonesy]

Alright, I guess I was slipping on Part III. But basically, it isn't that important and was just a minor "fill-in". I didn't quite want to go into the next chapter yet, so I just kinda gave a brief reason why he is paralyzed. I think I did put too much negativity into his background and I have grammatically slipped, but I wish to further continue and hope to improve.

 

I mean, if you think about it, I've only written one story. So, that isn't much of experience, but I am proud that I am not messing up as much. I wasn't as careful with Part III. I'll pay more attention and start up Chpt. 2.