My Finest Day

[The Unvirginiser]

Hi This is a bit long, but I would really appreciate if you read it all because it isnt what it seems at first.

 

 

My finest day

 

“Alright guys, when we step out of this drop ship all hell is gonna break lose, the mission objectives are make it up the hill, destroy enemy defences, gain access to the bunker, plant the bombs and destroy the super weapon. The bunker is heavily reinforced so bombers are having a hard time destroying it. We think that our explosives can break the door down, once inside we will have to plant charges and destroy the weapon before it destroys all of us. Now this bunker is armed to the teeth with automatic turrets, missile launchers and SAM rockets, a lot of our bombers are being shot down before they get a chance to hit it.”

 

 

Our commander gave out the instructions that we had heard countless times before. I looked around at the most elite squad in the army. Every man was prepared to die to destroy this mysterious super weapon that threatened our country.

A loud alarm sounded and the room full of bloodthirsty soldiers flashed red.

 

 

“Alright men were nearly there. Lock and load!”

 

 

Everybody checked their equipment, I checked myself. Body armour secured grenades on belt, radio, knife, pistol and my favourite piece of equipment. The massive weapon was a powerful automatic machine gun, capable of tearing through planes, cars, concrete walls and crowds of people. It had a devastating rocket launcher attached that could bring down a commercial airliner. I had always wanted to blow

one of them to pieces but they had stopped flying ten years ago when war broke out.

 

 

“Twenty seconds till drop.”

 

 

The large door at the end of the room opened and daylight flooded the drop ship. I stood up from the bench and approached the door with the rest of my squad. We felt the ship flying towards the ground, the door opened and the scene was horrific. The bunker in the middle was surrounded by towers of turrets firing in all directions. Overhead planes were firing missiles at its massive reinforced walls, and the deadly defenses were was launching their own right back. The secret bunker in the middle of country side sat on top of a lightly sloped hill, the turret’s line of sight stretched to the bottom of it. Anyone climbing it would be in the line of the devastating firepower.

 

 

Explosions were erupting everywhere and the air was thick with flying mud. I could see the group cluttered with tanks and soldiers charging up the hill firing at the bunker.

 

 

“Alright men this is it! Go and send that thing to hell!”

 

 

The ship touched down and my squad charged out guns blazing, shouting at the top of their voices. We ran full speed up the hill firing a horde of rockets towards the bunker, instantly destroying towers and gunners. Hundreds of men all around were being cut down by the merciless weapons, but slowly with the tanks firepower and the bombers overhead, we were getting the upper hand.

 

 

The battle against massive turrets was an awful one. Men I had known most of my life were being blown to pieces all around me, occasionally I found myself lying down firing rockets blindly to avoid gunfire. The constant bombardment was wearing the defences down. Our army was getting further and further up the hill, almost to the top.

 

 

All the jets overhead turned around and quickly headed away from the bunker. Then they re-grouped and all dove at full speed towards it. Every plane fired all weapons at the huge reinforced door that prevented our soldiers from entering the bunker. With less guns the planes could get a clearer shot, the cloud of rockets smashed in to the door causing a huge explosion, pieces of the door went flying all over the battlefield. The massive smoke cloud climbed in to the air as the jets broke off their attack.

 

 

I charged forward with my squad, ignoring the few remaining gunners. We headed for the open door to destroy the super weapon inside. I was first, ahead of the group, almost at the door, my limbs were burning as I ran full speed toward the hole that had been blown in the door. I reached the brining door; god only knows how I avoided all those bullets. The door was collapsing because of the explosion; crumbling debris was falling over the gap. Instinctively I dived through the gap, on cue the rubble collapsed and trapped me inside.

 

 

I got up to my feet and looked around, the bunker comprised of a single room, no soldiers inside, no turrets shredding me to pieces as I entered. In the middle was exactly what I was looking for, the super weapon. Yet this didn’t look like something capable of killing everybody on a continent, this was the most beautiful thing I had seen in my entire life.

 

 

In the middle of the room floating was what I can only describe as a cloud of gas, it looked like a colourful galaxy in space. Only it wasn’t, it was something I had never seen before. It sparkled and slowly rotated, the thing looked alive. Long wisps of the cloud reached out like arms, it was full of brilliant colours that I had never seen before. Seeing the thing made me feel calm and happy, I dropped the huge gun and got down on my knees. I stared up at the amazing “Weapon”, it stared back, the long arms stretched out towards me gently. I smiled and laughed for the first time in months. To think that I was going to destroy this thing.

 

 

The arms suddenly withdrew in defence. The rubble collapsed and a tank smashed through the debris. It reversed back and dozens of soldiers poured in. The thing gave a loud shriek and flinched. I watched as the soldiers ran around the room placing explosive charges around.

 

 

Before I could protest a group of soldier were dragging me by my arms and neck out of the bunker. I screamed at the soldiers dragging me away, I head butted one and pushed aside another, I ran back toward the magnificent entity that now looked upset and scared. More men dragged me this time, I held out my arm toward the thing in the middle of the room, it sent a long wisp of its cloud toward me, as I was being dragged it gently reached out and touched my fingertips.

 

 

There was a white flash, I felt like I was falling through darkness, then I felt what I can only describe as wind, rushing through my head, down my back and all through my body. I opened my eyes and found myself looking up at the sky. Birds flew past, the sky was clear, no sounds of gunfire or explosions. The air smelt fresh and not full of death as usual.

 

“Another sandwich?”

 

 

I quickly, sat up shocked. That voice had died eight years ago. Sat next to me was my beautiful wife Rosie. She smiled and sat eating a picnic. I came to my senses, I was not in my body armour, I was sat in jeans and a t-shirt, next to a waterfall, in the place where I proposed to Rosie. I was back at our country get away where we picnicked every Sunday.

 

 

“I love you!” Rosie said as she held my hand and kissed me...

My lip trembled; Rosie had been killed in a horrific bombing on our city. Here she was, amazing as ever, telling me that she loved me. Tears filled my eyes.

“I love you too!” I said, then I put my arms round her and hugged her tightly. As I looked in to her bright blue eyes I felt an awful feeling rush over my body. I went totally stiff then there was a bright flash.

 

 

My finger broke contact with the arm, time had stood still and I had been happy, for the first time in years!

“No!” I shouted to the men planting the explosives.

“Don’t! No! Stop it!”

The men dragging me out were shouting over the gunfire.

“Were gonna destroy the super weapon sir!”

“No you idiots! You don’t know what your doing!” I shouted back.

I was powerless to the members of my squad dragging me towards an awaiting drop ship, I was thrown aboard and held down. The ship took off, door still open, men poured out of the bunker and got in to their ships. As we sped away from the burning bunker I prayed that what happened next wouldn’t happen.

 

 

A massive ball of fire erupted from the bunker, met seconds later with the sound of a horrific bang. The blue sky suddenly turned a horrible grey, lighting struck down violently from the sky. Thunder echoed across the battlefield. That beautiful thing was dying; the amazing thing that took me back to Rosie was now engulfed in that heinous fire ball.

 

 

The men let go off me, I was lying on the floor of the drop ship crying like a child.

“You god damn murders!” I screamed through the tears. I could not explain to them the beauty of it, how did they not see it? I looked up at the battered faces of my squad, all looking down in wonder and shock.

“What’s wrong?” One asked me as he stood transfixed on the broken man lying before him. My eyes returned to the floor and I noticed the knife strapped to his leg. Quickly I yanked it out, the squad flinched but there was only one person that I wanted to harm.

 

 

Without second thought I violently slashed my left wrist. Blood spilled out pouring all over the floor. I dropped the knife and lied down on my back. The squad looked in horror, some tried to help but it was no use. I spent my last moments on the cold floor in a pool of my own blood. Then everything slowly faded as the life bled out of me.

Edited January 21, 2008 by The Unvirginiser

[Coral_City]

That was definitely a good read. Apart from a few spelling errors and repetition errors, overall, it was pretty good. Narrative and structure were both average. I guess the "twist" at the end was a very nice touch, proving the super weapon...really is a super weapon

 

Repetition:

The bunker in the middle was surrounded by towers of turrets firing in all directions. Overhead planes were firing missiles at the bunker which was launching their own right back. The secret bunker in the middle of country side sat on top of a lightly sloped hill

Yes...THE BUNKER

 

Spelling errors:

piece of the door went flying all ova the battlefield

Pieces and over!

[The Unvirginiser]

That was definitely a good read. Apart from a few spelling errors and repetition errors, overall, it was pretty good. Narrative and structure were both average. I guess the "twist" at the end was a very nice touch, proving the super weapon...really is a super weapon

 

Repetition:

The bunker in the middle was surrounded by towers of turrets firing in all directions. Overhead planes were firing missiles at the bunker which was launching their own right back. The secret bunker in the middle of country side sat on top of a lightly sloped hill

Yes...THE BUNKER

 

Spelling errors:

piece of the door went flying all ova the battlefield

Pieces and over!

Cheers for replying dude, dang I'm no good at typing gonna correct it now

[TDP992]

I usually would never read anything that long, but the beginning kind of hooked me. I thought it was good especially the ending.

 

As for the spelling errors, I make them all the time. That's why I use Firefox with built in spell check.

[The Unvirginiser]

I usually would never read anything that long, but the beginning kind of hooked me. I thought it was good especially the ending.

 

As for the spelling errors, I make them all the time. That's why I use Firefox with built in spell check.

Unbelivably enough I typed it out on word then pasted it in STILL WITH ERRORS

[saltinespike]

I'll correct errors when I return from the movies.

 

I will say that this was a very interesting piece, and it makes you think, definitely. My interpretation is that they blew up heaven. I'm guessing you left that to the reader. Double space the story, like you do in the beginning. I'll correct the rest when I return.

[IceCreamMan]

I read half & plan to continue, please let me no if you need help with your sig also from what I've read I was amazed.

[Remember This.]

I read half & plan to continue, please let me no if you need help with your sig also from what I've read I was amazed.

Could you stop trying to get people to ask you for sigs in all the threads you post in!? Just put something in you sig or answer people's requests in the GFX forum.

 

On topic, I read it and loved it. The twist at the end is very cool, and its very fast paced and well written.

[Eminence]

Excellent story - the plot was immersing and intriguing, and the twist at the end provided a great ending to the piece. However, the description was far from excellent - in my eyes it was very average. The problem with the piece is that there's an excellent plot, but it's held back by this bland description. The story moves swiftly, but with little detail - during the description of the squad approaching the bunker, so much violence is happening with very little detail, so the reader doesn't really take in how serious the situation is. More description will help to give the piece a much better atmosphere and it will become a much more captivating piece.

 

As Coral noted with the repetition of 'bunker' in one paragraph, I noticed the word 'door' being repeated on numerous separate occasions:

 

 

The large door at the end of the room opened and daylight flooded the drop ship. I stood up from the bench and approached the door with the rest of my squad. We felt the ship flying towards the ground, the door opened and the scene was horrific.

 

 

I charged forward with my squad, ignoring the few remaining gunners. We headed for the open door to destroy the super weapon inside. I was first, ahead of the group, almost at the door, my limbs were burning as I ran full speed toward the hole that had been blown in the door. I reached the brining door; god only knows how I avoided all those bullets. The door was collapsing because of the explosion; crumbling debris was falling over the gap.

 

This sort of thing really hinders the flow of the story. Use pronouns!

 

Other than a few simple grammatical errors, (we're, not were; for example) it was a solid piece, and a fantastic read.

 

I look forward to seeing the next piece you write. If you incorporate some more detail into the narrative, I think you'd be able to come up with some truly excellent writing!

[The Unvirginiser]

Thank you very much guys really appreciate it

[discovery97]

OK I'M SORRY I DIDN'T READ IT (TO LAZY TO) SO CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE SUPERWEAPON IS? I KNOW IT'S STUPID

[saltinespike]

OK I'M SORRY I DIDN'T READ IT (TO LAZY TO) SO CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE SUPERWEAPON IS? I KNOW IT'S STUPID

If you're not gonna read it, don't bother posting. You don't deserve to know the plot if you can't read a few damn paragraphs.

[The Unvirginiser]

OK I'M SORRY I DIDN'T READ IT (TO LAZY TO) SO CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE SUPERWEAPON IS? I KNOW IT'S STUPID

Its a pony

 

Read it

[-/TNT\-]

Pretty enjoyable. Besides the mistakes that other readers pointed out, calling the weapon "super" weapon really took down the quality a notch. I don't know why, it just makes the whole thing less serious and more like Power Rangers.

[discovery97]

Oh, sh*t a pony? I can't believe you on that................

[The Unvirginiser]

Oh, sh*t a pony? I can't believe you on that................

read it and prove me wrong you lazy clit

[Chickstick]

Unvirginiser, I agree with... pretty much every other person who has replied in that it was an excellent story. I particuarly liked the ending- it was well written and gave some food for thought.

 

You should be proud for writing that- it was bloody great.

 

[The Unvirginiser]

Unvirginiser, I agree with... pretty much every other person who has replied in that it was an excellent story. I particuarly liked the ending- it was well written and gave some food for thought.

 

You should be proud for writing that- it was bloody great.

 

Thaks very much and everyone else who replied, I hope you enoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing and planning it out

[Land Of Confusion]

Not exactly the best written, but hey I'm one to talk right? But seriously, it was aside from a couple grammar errors, it was amazing, the description and emotion you managed to evoke, with such simplicity, was shocking, in the best way possible.

[HolyGrenadeFrenzy]

You remind me of a writer I used to know.

 

He had written about death and her beauty and numerous other things. He was quite fond of Lobo, Morpheus and Black Sabbath.

 

Suddenly, I am very sad. ( H.M. where the hell are you?)

 

Regards, HGF

[Vercetti21]

As the others said, excellent story, but could have been told better. You should definitely rewrite this once you improve your skills. My only protest was that I think you should have explained the super weapon a little better. I know you wanted to portray it as mysterious, but we (the readers) are kind of in the dark about it's purpose, etc.

 

EDIT: Nevermind, I got it now. The weapon brings out the bad in someone, enough to make them suicidal, or something along those lines. Am I right?

[The Unvirginiser]

As the others said, excellent story, but could have been told better. You should definitely rewrite this once you improve your skills. My only protest was that I think you should have explained the super weapon a little better. I know you wanted to portray it as mysterious, but we (the readers) are kind of in the dark about it's purpose, etc.

 

EDIT: Nevermind, I got it now. The weapon brings out the bad in someone, enough to make them suicidal, or something along those lines. Am I right?

No your not right

The super weapon is an alienforce from somewhere man has never been before, it only shows its destruction at the end when it changes the weather but otherwise we do not know its destructive capabilities. That is because it seems a friendly thng to the narrator, however the people who have it captured will use it for bad. Hard to explain tbh but its a mysterious thing that is capable of large destruction but in reality is qite beautiful and capable of lots of things e.g showing the narrator happiness.

[hymoglobin]

Hello

 

[hymoglobin]

woah! That was amazing! I looked at the length before I read it and said to myself,

"Perhaps I'll read a little bit." but then I was addicted. Were you inspired by something? Is this true?

[The Unvirginiser]

Hello

 

Ok....

 

Yeah I was inspired by a film called Star Trek: Generations

I may re-write this in the future and alter it slightly and add more details

Suggestions?

[Old Boy]

good read man. I didnt really notice the mistakes that much. keep up the good work