Demolition Derby

[GameChristopher]

Nothing here, either. =p

Edited February 14, 2010 by Wingman

[silvermanblue]

I love demo derby, good read for sure. DAMN I bumped my story down.

[GameChristopher]

Thanks man. Let's bump this bitch right back on up. Where's phil at, he needs to read this.

[Coral_City]

That was certainly a good read. There was definitely something alluring about the story. I guess it was the narrative, something like Fight Club, only with a depth that's intent on keeping the reader focused and less on the convoluted societal aspect (sorta). Unfortunately, it was only an excerpt but it's always good to read something from ya Wingman.

[gta phil gta]

You rang?

 

I've got to say, it was very interesting - and pleasurable - to read. It's got a very nice flow to it and I enjoyed the way you're describing the cars with their inventive names; the whole thing's got a unique style to it, which I like.

 

I noticed a few small things that I didn't like, but they were by far outweighed by the positive aspects of this extract.

 

 

In case you’re wondering, all of this is completely illegal.

And in case you’re wondering, this place is called The Pendulum.

 

I found this to be a little off - repeating the phrase 'in case your wondering' slowed the flow of the second sentence down a lot for me. Intentional or not, I didn't like the way the same phrase is used.

 

Another case of repetition occured here:

 

 

When you’re in the pit, no one has a name.

 

Followed by,

 

 

There are no names,

 

It again seemed to be a little off that you were repeating the point of nobody having a 'name' twice in relatively quick succession, if you get me.

 

 

Following this, I noticed a few grammatical errors with regards to the speech. This was one of BK's big gripes, so he said - punctuation regarding the attribution of dialogue.

 

 

“Nothing you do tonight will ever matter.” Jack says to me.

“Nothing you’ve ever done will matter.” He says.

 

Here, the dialogue should end with a comma, and therefore the attribution should begin with a lowercase letter in the case of 'he'. I remember him going on a detailed rant on that in his guide.

 

 

Back to the positives, though. Usually I find the inclusion of song titles and the like to be a little gimmicky, but the way you've worked it in here, it's more effective than anything, and adds to the depth of the piece. I also love the segments inbetween the description of the actual derby when you describe what the Pendulum is all about and what type of people go there - it adds a whole new level to the piece.

 

The end is very effective, too, describing how Lady Sublime dies and detailing her life outside of the Pendulum - and then the fact that you introduce the rule of having to leave a suicide note - it adds yet another level to the piece and gives it a pretty sinister undertone. Makes you start thinking a lot at the end.

 

Nice read. It'd be interesting to see more of this novel - I have no idea how this excerpt would fit into it on the grand scheme of things. Good show overall, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and as Coral has said - it does seem reminiscent of Fight Club.

 

Nice job.

[eyeswideshut]

Other than 1 or 2 very minor spelling errors, it's in the place of is, this is a very good read.

[GameChristopher]

Yeah, punctuation after dialog always makes me want to shoot myself.