The Arrival

[Isonis]

This is my homework for my school. I thought i would post it here.

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Peter and Frederick were on an exercise as part of their Canadian Air Force training. It was a test of their capabilities in the wild. They had been dropped at the edge of the forest during the daytime and the challenge was to cross the forest within twenty four hours. In harsh conditions, quite an arduous task.

The area of British Columbia where the lads had been dropped off was unfamiliar territory to them as they had spent their childhood on the other side of Canada in Québec. So this physical and mental challenge would be both stimulating and demanding.

Peter was feeling confident as he had experience of orienteering; on the other hand, Frederick was a trifle apprehensive of his capabilities. The daylight journey had gone well but as the night drew on the chilly air affected the lad’s confidence. Were they following the correct route? The sound of the haunting growl made them freeze. Their route should have taken them well away from the area of the forest inhabited by the lethal brown bear.

It was now 2.30 am, twelve hours into the challenge, surely they hadn’t taken the wrong route as they had passed all the relevant marker points. Again the growl was heard but only nearer this time. Peter and Frederick tried to convince themselves the sounds of the forest were playing tricks on their ears. But no, was it an apparition or could they see the creature through the naked trees? The bear lumbered in their direction. How could they avoid it with the trees devoid of their leaves?

They couldn’t. Frederick, a devote Christian immediately offered prayers to his God in this moment of adversity. All to no avail, frozen to the spot and mute the lads thought these were their final moments on earth. The bear advanced towards Peter and pinned him against the trunk of an oak tree.

 

To be continued......

[saltinespike]

 

This is my homework for my school. I thought i would post it here.

 

-------

 

Peter and Frederick were on an exercise as part of their Canadian Air Force training. It was a test of their capabilities in the wild. They had been dropped at the edge of the forest during the daytime and the challenge was to cross the forest within twenty four hours. In harsh conditions, quite an arduous task.

 

The area of British Columbia where the lads had been dropped off was unfamiliar territory to them as they had spent their childhood on the other side of Canada in Quebec. So this physical and mental challenge would be both stimulating and demanding.

 

Peter was feeling confident as he had experience of orienteering; on the other hand, Frederick was a trifle apprehensive of his capabilities. The daylight journey had gone well but as the night drew on the chilly air affected the lad’s confidence. Were they following the correct route? The sound of the haunting growl made them freeze. Their route should have taken them well away from the area of the forest inhabited by the lethal brown bear.

 

It was now 2.30 am, twelve hours into the challenge, surely they hadn’t taken the wrong route as they had passed all the relevant marker points. Again the growl was heard but only nearer this time. Peter and Frederick tried to convince themselves the sounds of the forest were playing tricks on their ears. But no, was it an apparition or could they see the creature through the naked trees? The bear lumbered in their direction. How could they avoid it with the trees devoid of their leaves?

They couldn’t. Frederick, a devote Christian immediately offered prayers to his God in this moment of adversity. All to no avail, frozen to the spot and mute the lads thought these were their final moments on earth. The bear advanced towards Peter and pinned him against the trunk of an oak tree.

 

To be continued......

First thing first, you need to double space everything, as above.

 

 

In harsh conditions, quite an arduous task.

 

In these harsh conditions, it was quite an arduous task.

 

 

The sound of the haunting growl made them freeze.

 

This makes me think that the wind is what's growling, as it had just been talked about. If you wanted to indicate the bear, replace "the" with "a".

 

 

Their route should have taken them well away from the area of the forest inhabited by the lethal brown bear.

 

Their route should have taken them well away from the area of the forest inhabited by a lethal brown bear. Not "the".

 

 

It was now 2.30 am,

 

2:30 AM

 

 

Again the growl was heard but only nearer this time.

 

I'm pretty sure "the" is OK this time.

 

 

But no, was it an apparition

 

I would say, at this point, just tell us what it is. Ask questions in a story sparingly.

 

 

They couldn’t. Frederick, a devote Christian immediately offered prayers to his God in this moment of adversity.

 

So I assume that they see the bear? Specify these things, man.

 

 

lads

 

You've overwhored this word. Show us variety.

 

 

final moments on earth.

 

final moments on Earth.

 

 

The bear advanced towards Peter and pinned him against the trunk of an oak tree.

 

How can a bear pin someone/something to a tree?

 

 

To be continued......

 

OK?

[Isonis]

Thanks

 

Here is the first part.

 

A crispy frost was forming on the curly bracken in the dense undergrowth. There was a hint of blue in the starlit sky. A full moon lit up the darkness of the December night. An eerie silence extended across the forest only to be broken by the occasional ‘hoot’ of an owl echoing through the naked trees. The moon produced skeletal shadows in every direction. Such stillness was rarely observed on a winter’s night. The world appeared to be in a deep sleep which was suddenly broken by a haunting growl which reverberated around the entire forest.

[GTA3Rockstar]

 

 

1 -

Again the growl was heard but only nearer this time.

 

I'm pretty sure "the" is OK this time.

 

2 -

But no, was it an apparition

 

I would say, at this point, just tell us what it is. Ask questions in a story sparingly.

 

3 -

They couldn’t. Frederick, a devote Christian immediately offered prayers to his God in this moment of adversity.

 

So I assume that they see the bear? Specify these things, man.

 

 

4 -

The bear advanced towards Peter and pinned him against the trunk of an oak tree.

 

How can a bear pin someone/something to a tree?

 

 

1 Add a comma after "again"

2 Rhetorical question. They are very fine in stories.

3 Its obvious he is saying they couldn't avoid it. Commas after "christian" and "God"

4 Not physically pin him to the trree but rather, corning him. Can't move from his place.

 

 

[Eminence]

 

3 Its obvious he is saying they couldn't avoid it. Commas after "christian" and "God"

 

No - this would be overusing the commas. You don't want to stop after every couple of words - the sentence would become far too fragmented. I will agree with after 'Christian', but not after 'God' - this one wouldn't be needed at all.

 

The reason there should be commas dividing 'a devote Christian' from the rest of the sentence isn't to introduce an interruption for the reader - it is simply because this is a parenthetical phrase - it has no bearing on the overall meaning of the sentence. If you take this phrase out, the sentence still has the exact same meaning - albeit with less effect. But adding a comma after 'God' then divides the sentence up further - for no reason.

 

Frederick, a devote Christian, immediately offered prayers to his God in this moment of adversity.

 

Perfect.

 

 

4 Not physically pin him to the trree but rather, corning him. Can't move from his place.

 

If he were cornered, then, why was it not stated as such? By saying pin him to the tree it directly implies he has literally been pinned to the tree - probably very violently. Which wouldn't be a good thing for this character!

 

 

Anyhoo, the latest update seems a little pointless. It's a paragraph of description - you should try to include more before furthering the story. Give it more direction.

 

Other than that, it's looking OK so far. Keep rolling it out.

[Isonis]

Thanks!

 

Here is the final, i haven't corrected your errors yet!

 

The Arrival

 

A crispy frost was forming on the curly bracken in the dense undergrowth. There was a hint of blue in the starlit sky. A full moon lit up the darkness of the December night. An eerie silence extended across the forest only to be broken by the occasional ‘hoot’ of an owl echoing through the naked trees. The moon produced skeletal shadows in every direction. Such stillness was rarely observed on a winter’s night. The world appeared to be in a deep sleep which was suddenly broken by a haunting growl which reverberated around the entire forest.

Peter and Frederick were on an exercise as part of their Canadian Air Force training. It was a test of their capabilities in the wild. They had been dropped at the edge of the forest during the daytime and the challenge was to cross the forest within twenty four hours. In these harsh conditions, it was quite an arduous task.

The area of British Columbia where the lads had been dropped off was unfamiliar territory to them as they had spent their childhood on the other side of Canada in Québec. So this physical and mental challenge would be both stimulating and demanding.

Peter was feeling confident as he had experience of orienteering; on the other hand, Frederick was a trifle apprehensive of his capabilities. The daylight journey had gone well but as the night drew on the chilly air affected the lad’s confidence. Were they following the correct route? The sound of a haunting growl made them freeze. Their route should have taken them well away from the area of the forest inhabited by the lethal brown bears.

It was now 2:30 AM, twelve hours into the challenge, surely they hadn’t taken the wrong route as they had passed all the relevant marker points? Again the growl was heard but only nearer this time. Peter and Frederick tried to convince themselves the sounds of the forest were playing tricks on their ears. But no, was it an apparition or could they see the creature through the naked trees? The bear lumbered in their direction. How could they avoid it with the trees devoid of their leaves?

They couldn’t. Frederick, a devote Christian immediately offered prayers to his God in this moment of adversity. All to no avail, frozen to the spot and mute the lads thought these were their final moments on Earth. The bear advanced towards Peter and pinned him against the trunk of an oak tree.

Peter’s life flashed before him the bear’s paw pressed onto Peter’s arm crushing it into the trunk. He howled and screamed in agony. Frederick looked on petrified and absolutely helpless. Another growl was heard in the distance. Oh no, this must be our end thought Frederick. Immediately the bear turned and left the scene. Peter collapsed onto the frozen undergrowth, blood gushing from his right arm. Frederick tried to rouse him. “Speak to me Peter, please speak to me.” No response.

Frederick was now in a dilemma, should he use his radio which would mean they had failed their exercise or should he be patient and wait and see if Peter came round? He decided on the former as Peter’s life was at stake as no way could he stem the bleeding with the one and only bandage they carried in their first aid kit. Frederick easily made contact with the Rescue Centre however his difficulty was explaining where they were because he was convinced that he was not on the correct route due to the encounter with the bear. Frederick was instructed to release flares so the rescue helicopter could pinpoint their position in the difficult terrain.

Now for the waiting, Frederick released his five flares at five minute intervals but no helicopter appeared. It seemed like eternity, Peter had made a few encouraging groans but no other form of communication.

Frederick heard a whirring in the distance and saw a flashing light, the only movement on this freezing night. What a relief! Due to the nature of the terrain the rescue mission was far from simple. After much circling, a rope and harness were lowered with a rescuer. We managed to lift Peter onto the stretcher and he ascended to the helicopter. Medics were able to treat him en route to the Vancouver Hospital. Such relief but a dreadful feeling of failure.

By now both Peter and Frederick were suffering from frostbite and were both detained in hospital. Sadly Peter had to have his arm amputated. They were visited in Hospital by the Flight Commander of the C.A.F. in charge of their section who had relayed the fact that they had kept to the correct route and due to their bravery in such adverse circumstances they passed their training with flying colours. The straying bears were a mystery but the route is not used for training purposes. Peter has a prosthetic arm and both of them are pursuing successful careers in the C.A.F.

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[saltinespike]

 

2  Rhetorical question. They are very fine in stories.

It's overused. Becomes distasteful. And in that instance, improper grammar was used.

 

 

1 Add a comma after "again"

No, add a comma after "heard".

Edited July 1, 2007 by saltinespike