Hunted

[Remember This.]

Just to let you guys know, I'm going on holiday for a week now, so this won't be updated for another week. I will be writing while im on holiday though, so don't worry - updates when I get back!

[Eminence]

Sounds like a plan. Have fun while you're gone!

[Remember This.]

 

Chapter 4: Animal

 

Liam felt the cold steel of the machete whip past his face as he fell back in terror, the space his head had occupied seconds before sliced apart by the rusted metal blade. He landed hard on the broken tiled floor, instinctively raising the crowbar clutched in his hand, protecting his face from the hunter's next cruel blow. The machete crashed back down, connecting with the crowbar at a bone shattering speed, jarring Liam's hand. He dropped the crowbar, clutching his hand in pain. He scrambled backwards across the floor, his eyes briefly connecting with the hunter's, set in a merciless face. The hunter advanced.

 

Liam felt powerless, alone and unarmed, faced with a man wishing to kill him. Desperately he kicked out at the legs of the advancing hunter, feeling the heel of his boot connect with the knee of the man in front of him. Through his leg he felt the man's knee buckle backwards, the tendons behind his kneecap tearing under the force of Liam's kick. The hunter fell down, gritting his teeth in agony as he collapsed onto his wounded knee, his arms dropped down to his sides as he tried to fight back his pain.

 

Liam wasted no time. He scrambled to his feet, grabbing hold of the crowbar lying next to him as he moved. He stood up, facing the kneeling hunter in front of him, looking down into the man's soulless eyes, and swung the crowbar with every inch of strength he could muster from his weary body. The bar connected with man's skull, smashing him sideways into the ground, a streak of claret marking his exit from the world.

 

Breathing heavily, adrenaline still coursing its way through his veins, Liam stood facing his opponents body. His chest heaved underneath his shirt, lightly dappled with red. This time he didn't stop to think about what he had done. He threw the sheet that had originally hid the hunter back over the dead man's body, and continued his path towards the door, the bloodied crowbar still clenched in his hand.

 

Not until Liam reached the corridor exiting the hospital room did he realise what he had done. It was not what he had done to the hunter that bothered Liam, it was what he was doing to himself. He thought back to a minute before, when he stood over the broken body of his opponent. He realised suddenly that at that moment he had changed forever. When he had looked down upon that body, he had felt no remorse. He had become the men he had killed. Cold blooded, delighting in violence, Liam had become the thing he despised most in the people he had been pitted against.

 

Liam felt sick. He couldn't turn back the clock on what he had done, killing a man in cold blood and enjoying it. He slumped down against the wall of the corridor, burying his head in his hands. He felt like giving up, letting the remaining hunters find and kill him. He felt nothing inside him, he was empty, devoid of the emotion that makes everyone he knew human. He was no longer human, he was an animal.

 

Suddenly he snapped, throwing the hard metal in his hands at the wall opposite him with all his might. He screamed out at the injustice he had been served, forced into becoming a heartless killer. He hammered his fists into the walls until his knuckles bled, kicking at the bricks with worn out, bloodstained boots, hitting out at everything that had happened to him in the last hours of his life. He let loose until he had nothing left to give, falling down against the wall, somewhere between screaming and crying.

 

As he slumped back against the wall Liam listened to the silence, the calm after his storm. But the silence didn't last long, broken by what sounded like faint drumming. At first he thought it was his racing heart drumming out the beat he could hear. But as his heart slowed the beating got louder. Drums in the distance, getting closer. They were coming towards him, echoing in the empty corridors, a marching beat. As they got louder, Liam realised. They weren't drums, they were footsteps.

 

The hunters were coming.

 

[Remember This.]

Sorry for the double post, but I wanted to keep my chapters separate from my comments.

 

Anyway, I'm back, with one chapter done and another nearly finished. Comments, ratings etc. appreciated.

 

Also, could someone tell me if their has been any really decent stories started in the week I have been gone that I might want to read? I don't really want to check every thread...

[saltinespike]

"Realise" is "realize", first off, though some people spell it like that (no big, really). In some parts, it seemed too... idk the word, but it's like "Liam did this, Liam did that". Excellent description. One more thing:

 

 

He let loose until he had nothing left to give, falling down against the wall, somewhere between screaming and crying.

 

As he slumped back against the wall Liam listened to the silence, the calm after his storm.

 

This doesn't seem right. I would put:

 

 

He let loose until he had nothing left to give, falling down against the wall, somewhere between screaming and crying. He slumped back against the wall.

 

Liam listened to the silence, the calm after his storm.

 

Overall, another great chapter, with only a few minor errors. Keep it up, bud!

[Remember This.]

"Realise" is "realize", first off, though some people spell it like that (no big, really). In some parts, it seemed too... idk the word, but it's like "Liam did this, Liam did that". Excellent description. One more thing:

 

 

He let loose until he had nothing left to give, falling down against the wall, somewhere between screaming and crying.

 

As he slumped back against the wall Liam listened to the silence, the calm after his storm.

 

This doesn't seem right. I would put:

 

 

He let loose until he had nothing left to give, falling down against the wall, somewhere between screaming and crying. He slumped back against the wall.

 

Liam listened to the silence, the calm after his storm.

 

Overall, another great chapter, with only a few minor errors. Keep it up, bud!

Thanks for the comment. Now to address your points:

 

1) I think the spelling of realise is to do with whether you are British or American, I think American's spell it with a z. Don't quote me on that though!

2) Its third person, and I just try to keep a balance between using 'he' and 'Liam'. I'm not sure how else I could do it. Suggestions are welcome.

3) As for your version of the line, I'll put it up to vote as they both sound good to me. Anyone else out there who wants to comment can say which they prefer.

 

Thanks again!

[saltinespike]

2) Its third person, and I just try to keep a balance between using 'he' and 'Liam'. I'm not sure how else I could do it. Suggestions are welcome.

It's not that, really, I'm talking about it's up-front narratives at times, nothing to do with pronouns. An extreme example of this would be:

 

 

Fred went to the gas station. He bought a slushie. He went home and watched TV. Fred soon fell asleep.

 

Know what I'm saying? It's really not a big deal, just something I noticed.

[Eminence]

What spike means by the whole 'he' thing is that the narrative is becoming a little repetitive and redundant - as opposed to branching out and describing the scene in various different ways, you start to just dictate actions to the reader for a while, ergo the whole 'he did this, he did that'. Case in point:

 

 

Liam felt sick. He couldn't turn back the clock on what he had done, killing a man in cold blood and enjoying it. He slumped down against the wall of the corridor, burying his head in his hands. He felt like giving up, letting the remaining hunters find and kill him. He felt nothing inside him, he was empty, devoid of the emotion that makes everyone he knew human. He was no longer human, he was an animal.

 

Suddenly he snapped, throwing the hard metal in his hands at the wall opposite him with all his might. He screamed out at the injustice he had been served, forced into becoming a heartless killer. He hammered his fists into the walls until his knuckles bled, kicking at the bricks with worn out, bloodstained boots, hitting out at everything that had happened to him in the last hours of his life. He let loose until he had nothing left to give, falling down against the wall, somewhere between screaming and crying.

 

Take these two paragraph, a fairly large chunk of this latest chapter. There are what, 10 sentences here - 8 of them begin with 'he', the other two begin in pretty much the same way - Liam, or in the other case, 'suddenly he' - so basically, you're just dictating various things to the reader in the same way every sentence. These two paragraphs never stray away from 'he...', and it becomes very repetitive and negates the flow of the chapter. That's about it.

 

By saying this, then, it kinda makes one of spike's points a little hypocritical. When describing the whole 'slumping against the wall' scenario, he suggests you split it up a little and add another sentence into the mix to instead help the flow of the story - this sentence ironically begins 'he'.

 

 

On the whole, not a bad chapter - some great description as usual - but you do have to take note of some of these flaws. Furthermore, the story needs to progress a little more, and not get too bogged down with Liam's realization that his personality is changing - which a lot of the story so far seems to have focused on. Character development is good and all, but quite frankly, there's a point at which it starts to get a little annoying and repetitive to continuously read that 'Liam felt sick' and he is becoming what he always despised.

[Remember This.]

Thanks for the comments, I'll start polishing the next chapter tomorrow. I shall try to keep away from the 'he did this, he did that' sort of stuff.

 

As for the character development bit, this is the last chapter in which that is focused upon. I just wanted to show, as best as I could, how he breaks down. Of course now he is a murderer, he will no longer freak out every time he kills someone.

 

Thanks again for the comments.

[Oblivionz]

The chapter was awesome, the detail is amazing.

Hurry up with the next one.

[Remember This.]

Chapter 5: A Rock And A Hard Place

 

Liam ran. He raced towards the drumming footsteps as fast as he could, his heart screaming for air as he tore down the empty corridor. Desperate to reach some sort of hiding place before the hunters were upon him, he knew that the only way to go was forward. Another corridor lined with cells just like the first one greeted him as he turned the corner. A couple had their doors hanging askew on a single hinge, and Liam took advantage of this, ducking into the first one he came upon, crouching behind the twisted metal door. He stayed there, trying to control his frantic breathing, the footsteps drowning out the sound of his heart, hammering against his chest. Voices became apparent, screaming out a fearsome war cry. The sound of metal banging against the brick walls, the hunters hammering their weapons against the wall in a fearsome pre-battle ritual. Like some sort of ancient Viking warriors, they raced into the corridor Liam was sheltering in, hiding in fear.

 

Liam's eye, pressed against the gap created by the hinges of the door, looked fearfully upon the empty corridor, just before it exploded into chaos. The hunters raced past, two of them, raising fearsome metal bats just like the first one had Liam encountered, screaming and snarling like rabid dogs with the taste of blood on their noses. They had the same painted faces, twisted smiles in yellow and black, and the same dark, bloodstained clothes. Liam wondered what sort of hired killers he was really up against. They seemed far too at home in this dank building, almost as if they were former inmates, let loose upon the asylum that had kept them for so long.

 

And then they were gone, leaving only the sounds of their footsteps receding into the distance, until they were eventually no more. Waiting, letting his shaking hands steady, Liam eventually calmed himself enough to stand up. He exited the cell swiftly, not wishing to spend any more time than he had to in it. Standing in the middle of the empty corridor, amid the frantic footprints of the hunters, he listened. The only sound apparent was his own breath, steadier now than it had been a few seconds earlier.

 

The corridor emerged into what seemed like a waiting room. Liam started to move faster, reasoning that the entrance must be nearby. Rotting chairs littered the room, clustered in corners against broken wooden tables and smashed vending machines, vomiting up their contents onto the dusty floor. The room stunk of stale water and putrid food, and Liam had to hold his breath as he moved towards the door. As he got close to the door he paused. There was a small circular window set into the door at head height, laced with wire. Through the window Liam could see a mirror, carefully positioned against the opposite wall. There was no doubt in Liam's mind that this was more than just a lucky coincidence, that the mirror had been added to the musty wall for his benefit only.

 

The mirror gave Liam a view of the entire corridor waiting for him through the door. It was the entrance hall to the asylum. The corridor opened out onto a set of doors, the glass smashed and replaced with a wire mesh and rotting wooden boards, blocking out all but the thinnest rays of light. Next to the doors was a single booth, originally for the guard charged with the task of letting people in and out of the asylum. Now it held a much deadlier cargo. A single hunter, sat almost leisurely upon the small stool occupying the booth, surveying the entire entrance hall. There was no way Liam could leave his terrifying prison without passing the hunter waiting for him. Liam stood there in the silence of the dead waiting room, watching and waiting for inspiration and a way out to reach him. He was trapped, unable to go backwards or forwards for fear of meeting his end at the fearsome killers occupying the asylum.

Edited July 13, 2007 by Remember This.

[Remember This.]

This one was originally ready to post as soon as I got back, but I thought I would wait to see what comments I got from you guys. I made the right choice, and one re-write later here is the latest chapter. It is by no means perfect, and I know that some of the flaws you picked out are still apparent, probably because I didn't want to completely start the chapter again.

 

Anyway, enjoy.

[Eminence]

Couple little observations first:

 

 

A couple had lost their doors, and Liam took advantage of this, ducking into the first one he came upon, crouching behind the twisted metal door.

 

If it has lost its door - how is he hiding behind said door?

 

 

...and gone off food...

 

I think it would be better to just say 'off' food.

 

 

Anyhoo, that was a much improved chapter. To my eyes, you've eliminated the problems from the last without even realizing it - the whole thing flows much better and does a great job of building up the suspense. The description is, as always, superb and the atmosphere of the piece is continuously great - tense and frightening.

 

One thing I do want to know, however, is why the anti-climax regarding the events of the chapter - there was the whole thing building up having the hunters approaching and whatnot, but then they simply leave - it kinda makes the whole idea of their footsteps a little less spooky. If you get me. No idea.

 

Good, though. Looking forward to the next chapter, sorry it took so long to read this!

[Remember This.]

Thanks for the comment!

1) Good point with the door thing, I hadn't thought of that. I'll change it in a minute.

2) I think I'll change the description of the food to stale, I think it flows better.

3) The anti-climax of the hunter's approach is simply because I did not want another fight scene in this chapter. You may yet see them again.

 

Thanks again for the comment, and all your help so far. I'm off to edit that chapter now.

 

EDIT: Done, I used rotten instead of stale, as I had already used that to describe the water.

Edited July 12, 2007 by Remember This.

[Eminence]

Hehe, I was going to suggest that you could say rotten instead of off, but decided against it, as it would be repetition as it would be repetition.

 

That wasn't a typo, it was on purpose! Haha

 

 

Rotting chairs littered the room, clustered in corners against broken wooden tables and smashed vending machines, vomiting up their contents onto the dusty floor. The room stunk of stale water and rotten food, and Liam had to hold his breath as he moved towards the door.

 

What's the first word? Oh noes!

 

Still, it's not so bad.

 

It's not so bad.

[Remember This.]

Yeah, I noticed that too. But I couldn't be bothered to think up another word. Now I have.

 

Which one do you think is best:

 

Rancid

Putrid

Festering

Fetid

Moldering

Decaying

 

?

 

[Eminence]

Putrid fits nicely, I think. It suits describing the sense of smell well.

[Remember This.]

Done. I'm not sure when the next update will be, hopefully over the weekend sometime.