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Hunted


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Remember This.

 

Hunted

 

Could you kill to survive?

A man wakes up in a room with no idea of how he got there. A tape around his neck tells him that the only way he can escape is if he finds the exit at the other side of the building, past several bounty hunters, out for his blood.

 

An original story inspired by the Manhunt game, Red Steel and the Saw trilogy.

Thanks to Eminence and Saltinespike for their help.

 

Chapters:

1: The Cell

2: Game On

3: A Room For The Dead

4: Animal

5: A Rock And A Hard Place

 

 

 

[Comments and criticism will be very much appreciated. This is my first story for the writers forums.]

Edited by Remember This.
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Chapter 1: The Cell

 

Liam could smell blood.

 

He opened his eyes, unsure of his surroundings. He was lying on the floor of a room he had never seen before, without knowing where he was or how he had got there. A deep and unforgiving panic started to set in. The room was small, no more that ten paces by ten. The only source of light was a tiny window, set high up in the moulding concrete wall, barred and locked shut. It was a prison cell, of sorts. But something wasn't right about the room. Why the leather straps on the bed? Why the manacle, hanging from a bolt driven into the wall? Why the crimson stains smeared across the walls? This was no ordinary prison.

 

He sat up, inhaling a lungful of mouldy air. The rusted cell door was hanging ajar from a single hinge, offering him salvation, an escape from his claustrophobic confines. As he moved to the open doorway he felt something swing against his chest. A tape was hanging around his neck, suspended on a filthy piece of string. He pushed his hand into his pocket, grasping for a weight he had not felt until now. It was a tape player, plugged into a tangled mess of headphone wire. Liam wrenched the tape from the string around his neck, and jammed it into the tape player. His filthy hands were slipping as he strove to press the play button, hoping for the answer to his question: Why was he here?

 

Harsh static burst into his ear, followed by a voice:

 

"Hello Liam. I trust that you are listening to this on the headphones I provided? You wouldn't want the man outside your cell to hear this, would you?"

 

Liam's head snapped up, he stared at the door. There was nothing there. In the situation he was in, Liam wasn't prepared to take any chances. He tried to steady his breathing, to slow his beating heart, as if somehow it could be heard from outside his cell. He calmed himself, and listened to the tape.

 

"Good. I am assuming you want to know why you are here. Unfortunately, that is for you to find out. All I am going to tell you is what to do next. As you may already have noticed, you are in a cell, one of many hundreds like it in he building you are in. It used to be an asylum, back in a more unforgiving time.

 

"The man I mentioned earlier, the one outside your cell. He is not the only one here. There are more, all over the asylum, waiting for you. They are bounty hunters, killers for hire, and they are out for your blood, Liam. I don't know if you have ever encountered a bounty hunter before, but I can assure you, they are very good at their job.

 

"Your only objective in this little hunt is to survive. There is a door at the other end of the building, a door that leads to your freedom. When you get to that door, alive, you win.

 

"Let the game begin."

Edited by Remember This.
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Very nice idea. The way you mentioned at the start it's inspired by a few different things - Saw came to my mind immediately after reading the brief prologue, so I think you've done an excellent job so far in capturing that kind of atmosphere.

 

There's a genuinely intriguing story here, too. I'm eager to see what awaits him and how he will tackle all of these obstacles - looking forward to the next chapter! smile.gif

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saltinespike

Saw came to my mind, also. Other than a few grammatical errors, it looks good!

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Remember This.
Saw came to my mind, also. Other than a few grammatical errors, it looks good!

Not wanting to sound annoying, but could you point them out for me? Just so I can rectify them. Thanks for the other good comments, I'll be posting a new chapter possibly tomorrow.

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EEE! This is great! Loving it already. biggrin.gif

 

You got some nice descriptions in there and the ambience is quite dark and gritty.

 

Update soon!

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One of the things I noticed was regarding the speech at the end - it's several paragraphs of speech, which is fine, but as it's the same person speaking throughout, they should all be contained within the speech marks. By closing the speech marks at the end of every paragraph and then opening a new one, it is signifying that other people are speaking, so it's slightly incorrect.

 

I think the best way to do it is to keep the speech marks at the beginning of each paragraph, but remove the ones at the end of each paragraph (except for the end, obviously). That's how I've seen it done in most novels I've read if dialogue spans more than one paragraph. smile.gif

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saltinespike

Well I understand that the spaces in between dialogue is for effect, but it is not proper. It should be continued in one long quote. I was a bit confused hopping between them, until I understood.

 

 

His filthy hands were slipping as he strove to press the play button, hoping for the answer to his question. Why was he here?

 

Not sure if it should be, but "answer to his question: why was he here?" would be more appealing.

 

The narration seems a bit involved at times. Like asking questions, instead of having Liam think them. That can be left alone, for it makes a nice effect.

 

---

 

That's about it. The reason I did not point them out is because they are small errors, possibly not even in need for correction.

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Right, I changed a few little things. I made the speech one big quote and lost the spaces in between each bit, but I kept the breaks just to make it a bit easier to read. I left the last one, for dramatic effect!

 

I'm probably breaking every rule in the book, but hey, thats what rules are for...

 

Thanks Em and Saltinespike for the pointers, and Oxidizer for the kind words, I'm glad you're all liking it!

 

 

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saltinespike

Urm, by isolating the last quote, you make it seem as if Liam says it, basically challenging the guy, which would be a bit shocking, and a nice twist, but unrealistic. I know this was not your intension.

 

As for the breaks, I'd take Eminence's advice, because now the quote looks tacky.

 

One more thing, you might want to space the first line and first paragraph.

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Yeah, that was what I thought when reading the last line - it made me think Liam was saying it.

 

Just make it look like this and it'll be fine:

 

 

"Good. I am assuming you want to know why you are here. Unfortunately, that is for you to find out. All I am going to tell you is what to do next. As you may already have noticed, you are in a cell, one of many hundreds like it in he building you are in. It used to be an asylum, back in a more unforgiving time.

 

"The man I mentioned earlier, the one outside your cell. He is not the only one here. There are more, all over the asylum, waiting for you. They are bounty hunters, killers for hire, and they are out for your blood, Liam. I don't know if you have ever encountered a bounty hunter before, but I can assure you, they are very good at their job.

 

"Your only objective in this little hunt is to survive. There is a door at the other end of the building, a door that leads to your freedom. When you get to that door, alive, you win.

 

"Let the game begin."

 

That's how I've seen it punctuated in novels before - it remains pretty much the same, but doesn't close the quotes at the end of every paragraph - so I'm pretty sure this is correct.

 

The only other way I could think of doing it is to remove all speech marks except the first and last, but I think this way is correct. Heh. tounge.gif

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Remember This.

Once again, it has been edited, hopefully this time its right. Next chapter coming soon.

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Remember This.

Chapter 2: Game On

 

As the stark silence of reality enveloped Liam, he began to understand what was requested of him. For some reason, some sick, perverse reason, a man he had probably never met wanted him to kill another human being in some sort of twisted blood sport. Right now Liam was in a catch 22 situation, and he hated whoever was doing this for putting him there. He could either preserve his character and starve to death in a dimly lit room, probably never to be found, or he could succumb to the animal side all humans have buried within them, and kill another man. Liam couldn't even be sure the man outside the cell door existed, or if it was just a character created to test his will in this perverse game.

 

A million questions raced through Liam's mind, colliding into each other in a jumbled mess of confusion. What fate awaited him outside his cell door? Could he really kill another human being just like himself? Just as Liam's head felt like it was close to exploding under the weight of his questions, a single thought surfaced, a thought that instantly made his decision, clarified what he was going to have to do.

 

His family. If he did nothing, rotting away in his bloodstained coffin, what kind of life would his two children have to lead? They wouldn't know whether he was alive or dead, whether he still loved them or had ran from them, repulsed by them. They would never know how much he cared for them. He couldn't let that happen. Catching his breath in his throat, his chest pounding out a frantic drum beat, Liam pushed open the cell door.

 

The door swung open without so much as a squeak. It had been oiled recently. Someone obviously wanted to see him succeed in his mission. The door swung out into a corridor, cells just like his lining both sides, the doors locked and rusted shut. He was right at the end of the passage, nothing but a dank, grimy wall behind him. In front of him the corridor stretched out until it lost itself in its own shadows. But he was not the only one in the passage. The tape had not been lying, a mere ten feet away Liam could see the back of the man the tape had warned him of. Whatever Liam had been expecting of the bounty hunter, however, it was not this.

 

A steel baseball bat, rusting, bloodstained and dinted from use hung by the man's side. Liam bet in his head that the bat hadn't once been used for its intended purpose. He wasn't displaying any sort of body armour, instead clothed in a stained black work shirt and black trousers, studded with metal, worn with age. He looked more like an inmate than a professional killer, and Liam could guess that this 'hunter' was not acquainted with the subtleties of assassination, instead relying on intimidation and brute force to dispatch of his unlucky victims.

 

Liam knew that if the hunter saw him he was dead. He silently scanned the corridor in front of him, praying to every god he knew that the man would not turn around and see him, standing alone and unarmed, stained in blood and muck. And then he saw it. A crowbar, shining new, oddly out of place in the filthy corridor. His mysterious benefactor had once again provided him with a way out.

 

Liam stood for what seemed like an age, willing his body to be as silent as possible while his mind screamed out. He still could not be sure if he had it in him to actually kill the man in front of him, hitting him from behind in cowardice and cold blood. He bent down and gingerly lifted the crowbar in front of him, all the while keeping his eyes buried in the back of his intended target.

 

He moved forwards, his feet barely making a sound, muffled by the thick layer of dust on the concrete floor. Liam thanked the gods once again. At two paces behind the hunter Liam froze. The man moved, shifting his weight and tightening his grip on the bat in his hand. From where he was Liam could see the human hair matted into the bloodstains on the weapon. He could smell the reek of decaying flesh and unwashed body emanating from the man in front of him. He held his breath, not daring to breath for fear of making any sort of noise. He knew he couldn't stand in that same spot forever. He had to act, now. His mind racing, Liam raised the cold metal bar in his hand, his heart and head screaming at each other inside him. Then that thought surfaced again. His family, the only thing keeping him sane. His vision cleared with his head, and he knew that he only had one option.

 

He swung the crowbar.

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saltinespike

This chapter seemed spotless to me! Of course, being the sick sonuvabitch I am, I wished you described the attack, but I imagine you will in the future. Nice going!

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Excellent chapter, very impressive. The flow of the narrative is superb, and the the description equally as good. Really enjoying reading this, it's very enjoyable!

 

I have to say, it's starting to remind me of Hostel, as well. Nice.

 

Also, the fact that you hav yet to describe the attack is very effective. I couldn't have thought of a better way to end this chapter - great finish. smile.gif

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Remember This.

Wow, impressive feedback! Thanks a lot guys, I'm glad you're enjoying reading it.

Expect the next chapter sometime Sunday, its my dad's birthday tomorrow, so I won't be around as much.

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Chapter 3: A Room For The Dead

 

Liam was slumped against the wall, the blooded crowbar discarded at his side. In front of him he could see the now lifeless corpse of a man that only a few seconds before had been alive and well. Despite everything Liam had been told about the dead man's intentions, He couldn't help but feel broken inside. He had succumbed to his captor, and had taken the life of another man.

 

Liam knew that he had to move the body, he couldn't leave it lying in the corridor to be found. Yet he could not face having to turn the dead man over, to see into his now cold eyes. Instead he grasped hold of the hunter's boots, dragging him face down along the ground, a cold, dead weight resisting his exertions. Liam moved the body as little as he had to, rolling him into the shadows behind his open cell door and quickly dropping his lifeless limbs. All that was left of him was a blood trail through the dust, starting next to the rusted weapon that had only minutes ago been firmly in his grip. Wishing to spend as little time as possible in the presence of a man he had just murdered, Liam moved on down the corridor, the crowbar held tightly in his sweating hands.

 

The dim, flashing red light of a camera lens followed Liam's progress down the passage, secluded from view in a hidden alcove above the corridor. A wire ran from the back of the camera and buried itself into the wall, traveling into a transmitter, relaying the captured images across the city onto a single computer screen. The screen was one of many indented into the wall of the basement room. Right now it held the focus of a woman in her late thirties, who turned to her companion, a man a few years older than herself, to update him on their unfortunate victim's progress.

 

"He's just completed his first kill"

 

Liam came to a halt. In front of him was a brick wall. But it looked wrong, out of place; clean and newly built, as if someone had deliberately placed it there. On both sides were the same cell doors that lined the entire corridor. However the one to his left was swinging on a single hinge, waiting, expectant. Liam realised now that he was playing by someone else's rules, and where they wanted him to go, he had to go. He slipped through the gap created by the broken cell door, and found himself in a cell much like the one he had woken up in only twenty minutes ago. Twenty minutes that had seemed like a life time to Liam.

 

The back wall of the cell looked as if someone had driven a car straight through it. The floor was littered with chunks of brick and concrete, the air heavy with particles of dust and cement. A hole in the wall, easily the size of a man, opened out into a cavernous room. Liam stood in the cell, horrified at the sight in front of him.

 

Hospital beds, no longer in orderly rows but scattered jauntily throughout the room. A maze that needed to be navigated to make it to the other side of the room. But it was not the beds that sickened Liam. It was what was on them.

 

Bodies. Former patients of the asylum, strapped down to their beds and left to die. Most of the beds were covered in thin, bloodstained sheets, shadowy human forms just visible underneath. Some were uncovered, revealing bodies starved of food and water lying in an eternal grimace of pain, their fragile skin draped over brittle bones, pulled taught over twisted faces bearing grimy teeth. The smell was the worst thing. Rotting human flesh and stale air mixed into nauseating fumes, assaulting Liam's nostrils.

 

Liam took a minute to adjust his nose to the smell, his eyes watering even as he stood at the entrance to the hall. He stepped through the hole and started moving, as fast as he could, trying to make it through the room in as little time as possible. He was moving at a fast walk, almost a jog, passing by the stinking hospital beds without so much as a second glance. If he had been moving slower he would have noticed the bulky figure on the next bed along, out of place amidst the starved corpses.

 

Suddenly the sheets exploded with movement, torn away by the figure underneath. Another hunter, lying in wait for Liam. The hunter leapt out of the hospital trolley, swinging a thick, rusting machete, a guttural roar escaping from behind bared teeth. Liam caught a glimpse of the man's face as he fell back in terror. He had crudely painted the image of a yellow smiling face onto his own, the face paint mixed with blood and sweat to create a fearsome mural, snarling back at Liam as he swung the machete down.

Edited by Remember This.
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Hmmm, I really liked this chapter, I could atually imagine the whole story in like a movie form, but other then that its good. But theres one thing though, I know you want everything to be as silent as possible and stuff to be a stealthy story but in Chapter 3 at the end you could've made the hunter make a loud

 

"AHHHHHHHHHH"

 

or a...

 

"IM GONNA GET YOU...

 

You know something like that, instead of him just leaping out of the bed, he had to have said something while going for Liam.

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Remember This.

Yeah, I did think about adding a roar from the hunter, but it didn't quite fit in.

 

What do you think to this as the final paragraph?

 

 

Suddenly the sheets exploded with movement, torn away by the figure underneath. Another hunter, lying in wait for Liam. The hunter leapt out of the hospital trolley, swinging a thick, rusting machete, a guttural roar escaping from behind bared teeth. Liam caught a glimpse of the man's face as he fell back in terror. He had crudely painted the image of a yellow smiling face onto his own, the face paint mixed with blood and sweat to create a fearsome mural, snarling back at Liam as he swung the machete down.
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mmm, its eh. alot better then the first time u wrote it. nice improvement. Come check my story San Andreas of the Living Dead.

Edited by Maddok
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Another spotless chapter - very gripping. Excellent description of pretty much everything: you're painting a vivid picture of what's going on and it's giving off a very good atmosphere.

 

The rewrite of the last chapter is also a small improvement, too. Excellent job, I'm hooked! smile.gif

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Your story is amazing. The way you write it is just perfect!

I'm really looking forward to it. Good rated! smile.gif

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Remember This.

Wow, I just saw the topic rating has gone up, and more great comments. Thanks to all you guys for taking the time to read it so far anyway!

 

On a side note, I just updated the 3rd chapter with the new ending.

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The rating wasn't so up because people just forgot to rate. Only one person rated before me tounge.gif

 

Anyways, you deserve it, good writing!

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I rated it up cuz it's a damn good story, man.

 

Hawaiian pizza ftw!

kdr9l4.png

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Man... would I love a karma star! That would be so awesome, especially on my first piece!

Sorry, just the thought of that tiny little .gif next to a topic of mine...

 

@Oblivionz, Funnily enough, I'm actually having one tonight, I can smell it cooking even as I type this!

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saltinespike

I normally don't rate, but it's rated good! You should see Almighty Throne. One good rating away from a gold star. confused.gif

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As I've said, really enjoying this. I rated it good, too. smile.gif

Edited by Eminence
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Remember This.

Heh, thanks you guys! inlove.gif

 

One more vote methinks... Anyway, to reward you all for your kindheartedness I will start work on another chapter soon. Expect an update sometime before the end of the week!

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HawaiianHardHitter

Great stroy ya have here brah! This satory is completely flawless my friend. The action is intense, and the plot is very thought out to me. Will I rate it GOOD? I'll keep y'all in suspense til then. ph34r.gif

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