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Broken History


saltinespike

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saltinespike

Now I'm going to start out with a pitch, and if you guys like it, I will start writing.

 

A power-hungry time traveler, Joseph Cunham, from 2637, travels back in time, bringing other technological marvels with him, promises technology to the society in exchange for "leader". Using other devices, he uses hypnosis to gain absolute power over the people. Another time traveler, Sharlene Tanner, even further into the future, travels back to the monarch's rule to learn about America's history, which has, oddly enough, been completely wiped out until 200 years before. After being exposed, the technology is stripped away, and she is sentenced to death, but she does not go out without a fight. After running away, she must fight off whoever stands in her path, to get back to her machine, to return, to gather an army of her own.

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Remember This.

Sounds interesting, If well written it could be good. One thing though, do the two stories meet at any time, because from the pitch it doesn't sound like they do...

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Intriguing. Go for it I say, there's no reason why not to - and with your writing ability, I'm sure it'll be an interesting read. smile.gif

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saltinespike

 

One thing though, do the two stories meet at any time, because from the pitch it doesn't sound like they do...

What do you mean? Like the two people come together?

 

An thanks, Eminence. Still waiting for that story of yours. smile.gif

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Remember This.

I was just wondering if the two stories are interlinked, because from you first post it sounds like the two characters are of no relevance to each other, which would make one or the other redundant as a main character really... Unless the 'monarch' is the Joseph guy?

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saltinespike
I was just wondering if the two stories are interlinked, because from you first post it sounds like the two characters are of no relevance to each other, which would make one or the other redundant as a main character really... Unless the 'monarch' is the Joseph guy?

Exactly. smile.gif

 

Anyways, I'll get started on this. Soon. Might edit it into this post. Keep checking, to those interested.

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Sounds like a good plot to me, go for it. icon14.gif

 

Anything will be interesting in comparison to the zillions of GTA fanfics lying around here.

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Anything will be interesting in comparison to the zillions of GTA fanfics lying around here.

There's actually been quite a few excellent pieces here recently that have nothing to do with GTA, if you look. smile.gif

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saltinespike

Prologue - Part I

 

Joseph Cunham's only friend was his computer. He would often spend hours past bloodshot on it, rarely seeing sunlight, hunched over on it in his attic. He was an inventor of sorts, yet to have his big break-through, because his inventions simply didn't work. Nonetheless, he was still somewhat of a genius, science being his obvious major. Joseph had become obsessed over his work, specifically in building a time machine. Soon after, it was all he cared about.

 

----------

 

"Computer, what challenges would one face wishing to build... a time machine?" Joseph was in the dark, his large computer the only illumination in the room. He rubbed his eyes and reached for his eye drops, he had been like this for much too long.

 

"Well, Mr. Cunham--"

 

"It doesn't matter any more... does it, computer?"

 

"To look at it in the perspective that one has now built a time machine, I suppose it does not." The computer's voice was soothing. It could not get agitated or angry, it could also not be joyed or happy.

 

"Of course it doesn't matter," Joseph yelled, "I built it! I perfected it. All I need to know now, before I test it, is my chance of survival."

 

"Well, if you take into consideration--"

 

"I don't care about the damn considerations. What are my chances of survival?"

 

"Twenty-two percent, sir."

 

Joseph belched obnoxiously. "Record this day, July 16, 2637, as the day time travel is accomplished by Joseph Hubert Cunham. I shall be on my way then. I'm heading to the 23rd century. If I die, I want you erase all of my work. Understood?"

 

"Yes, sir. I wish you decent travels. Goodbye."

Edited by saltinespike
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Anything will be interesting in comparison to the zillions of GTA fanfics lying around here.

There's actually been quite a few excellent pieces here recently that have nothing to do with GTA, if you look. smile.gif

Ha, you're right. I guess I was just assuming, because the last time I visited this section (a few months ago), gta fanfics were the only things here. confused.gif

 

@Story:

 

I like the intro, keep writing! icon14.gif

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saltinespike

Prologue - Part II

 

Sharlene Tanner's television was turned down. The New Year's celebration was on, the announcers were quietly babbling about memories of the 24th century. The year was 2399, but only for a few minutes. Sharlene was only half-interested, which is why it was even on. She was tweaking a large machine. It looked like a gas chamber, with 1-inch thick rigid steel, air-tight, 2 small windows, and a chair inside accompanied by a small light bulb. The only difference was that the inside was full of knobs and switches.

 

History didn't last very long in this world. As far as anyone knew, the world only dated back as far as the world's oldest man, who was 67. History, as they knew it, was only speculation. His story and her story were put together, to make history. Some knew that there had to be history before 67 years ago. What is the significance of 2399? There must have been a significant event that happened 2399, oops, 2400 years ago.

 

Sharlene was the latter. She devoted her time to finding clues about history, pre-confirmed history. The government did a good job covering it up, making history strict to a generation. Once the old man died, so would his stories, and no one would remember. Time travel had been discovered, and has since been made punishable by torture and death. Luckily for Sharlene, she was still the only one who knew about her time machine.

 

The large machine made a hissing noise. It was ready. Sharlene tugged firmly on the door, making it slowly open. She took a deep breath, she would first find the reason for the cover-up, by slowly browsing the years. After closing the door behind her, she sat in her seat and started flipping switches and pressing buttons. It was time to find out.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Edited the first part, also (added a date and renamed it).

Edited by saltinespike
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saltinespike

Chapter 1 - Needed Attention

 

September 9, 2214

 

Joseph crawled out: his machine was half-dug into the ground. He was eerily unafraid of what he would find. A super car came to a sudden halt, although it was traveling at great speeds. He was in a forest somewhere, this road was simply slicing through. Grasping a gun of his time, he approached the car.

 

"Hey, what the f*ck, man?!" the driver called out, still flustered at the sudden stop. His eyes widened when he saw the gun, which was aggressively being pointed at him. Joseph recognized the model: he had read up on his history before he left.

 

"Where is the adjustable hitch that comes with this vehicle?" Joseph's voice was calm, and deep.

 

"I... I... sold it!" The man was terrified. This society faced no unattended crime, therefore crime was low. "Who are you?!"

 

"Do you know of 'Area 51'?" The man shook his head; Joseph shot into the air, making a loud bang. "You will take me there, anyway. This car has GPS. I suggest you find it."

 

----------

 

"Sir, there is a vehicle approaching!" A spotter noticed the movement, and decided to report it.

 

"Use the radio to warn him, if he does not stop immediately, shoot him down." Joseph approached the simple-appearing base. Suddenly, a loud warning came over the radio: "DRIVER! Stop your vehicle immediately or we will open fire!" He slowed to a stop. Stepping out of the vehicle, he noticed soldiers approaching him, fragmented by the heat.

 

"I bring with me futuristic technology that I wish to share. Only I can work it: I have coded it to my demeanor. I wish to gain media, otherwise I refuse to share any of it. I have weaponry that will wipe this spot off the map, if you refuse. I am truly a nice guy, I mean well, but please, do not refuse me."

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Short chapter, but I'm still kinda just setting up for the actual plot.

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Nothing to say really...it is just as wonderful and awesome as any other of your work!

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Really liked the introduction, especially the short sentence to start it off - very effective. I think your writing is very intriguing and imaginative - I love the worlds you create, they're so unique and different to any others, so the futuristic seeting is very interesting. Love the dialogue between Joseph and the computer as well, very nice touch!

 

 

There must have been a significant event that happened 2399, oops, 2400 years ago.

 

My only gripe thus far - this seems like some form of dialogue, yet it's the narrative speaking. It seems a little informal to state something and then retract it, followed by saying 'oops', if you get me? tounge.gif

 

Nonetheless, excellent start to a very promising story. Liking it so far! smile.gif

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Damn, I'm really liking this, reminds me of Back to the Future but with a bad guy wow.gif

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saltinespike

For those those confused and/or interested, here is a small explanation of the order of things. It contains minor spoilers, but nothing to ruin the story.

 

Sharlene's present day comes after Joseph's venture to the past, explaining the fact that time travel was already discovered. The government is still a bit wobbly and recovering from the presently-mysterious destruction from Cunham's reign, so they cover the history up until the are steady again. Time travel will go back and forth, but you have seen the last of Joseph's original time, or rather, Joseph's original society.

 

I appreciate all the feedback, it is definitely encouragement to continue!!

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Yeah, I imagined that the reason for the future be the way it (will?) be was something like that. Really cool, I love this kind of story. Also reminds me of The Butterfly Effect and Heroes xD

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saltinespike

Chapter 2 - Catalog of Years

 

Sharlene boggled at findings. She started from recent years, viewing herself research and build the machine that was now finished. Shorty afterward, she seemed to move out, and the construction workers took the home apart. Construction started to fade away, along with the neighborhood.

 

She glanced down to view the year, displayed like a digital alarm clock: 2387. She started to zoom faster, for the only events was that the civilization was getting further and further away. Grass started to revive, along with trees, pine trees, and snow built from the ground, as if made from the grass: the sky then sucked the snow up.

 

A path was being revived, also. She slowed when she saw cars once again, but much older cars, cars that probably still ran on the ground. She glanced at the year once again: 2213. She was in a forest, a light snow coated the ground. This road simply cut through this forest like a small canyon. Cars ran atop 4 spheres, giving it complete rotation and turning abilities. Her machine turned off with a hiss.

 

After taking a long while to come to a decision, Sharlene hitchhiked, looking for a car that could tow something. A friendly man pulled to the side of the road. "You need help there?"

 

"Yeah. I need a car that can tow things! I've got a 2 ton machine behind me! Just want to reach the closest city's limits!"

 

The man nodded. "Vegas is only a good half hour from here. I've got a hitch in the back! Lucky for you, I haven't sold this sucker yet. Was plannin' on it today!"

 

"I guess that would be a good thing, huh? Thanks, by the way. My name's Sharlene Tanner."

 

"Toby Ingrid," he replied. Cars passed them at great speeds, still keeping wonderful control. After hooking a spare wheel onto the machine and installing it onto the car, they were on their way.

 

----------

 

Sharlene was once again on the side of a road, about 300 yards away, now in the unforgiving desert. She agreed to remember his name.

 

Compressed air flew at her when she opened the door. She climbed in once again, to do a bit of searching on the city.

 

'Vegas,' she remembered. 'Silly, I assumed it was always Vagued (Vay-gwed).'

 

She pressed a few more buttons and stared out her window at the vibrant city. Her machine hissed up to a start. This time, she was going forward, to see what she had missed.

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Hmmm, I was a little more confused over this chapter than anything. I wasn't really sure of what was happening at the start - the description was detailed, but what was actually happened seemed vague. Aside from that, the rest is just advancing the story a little - but nothing really seems to happen.

 

Just seems like another chapter to add on to the story so far - nothing's really engaging me as of yet.

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saltinespike

Yeah, still setting up the story. What was happening was that because she was going into the past, everything was reversing: seasons, construction, weather, etc. As you know from the summary, the action and such IS coming up, but establishing the story can take a bit. Action's coming soon! Promise.

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I liked it, but it was really hard to understand. I had to read some parts like three times in a row in order to get the point.

 

Also too short wow.gif

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saltinespike

Sorry about the wait. Still working on it. The least I can give you is a teaser. So here is the beginning of the next chapter:

 

 

---

 

 

A large television showed Joseph Cunham speaking to the entire nation; he was on every news station.

 

"I can promise you technology. I can promise you power. Who better to lead this technological advancement than the guy who thought it all up? Advanced weapons, science experiments solved, unanswered questions answered, all of this can be yours after I am president. Impeach yours, replace with me. You will not regret it," he gave a cold, steely look into the camera. "I promise."

 

----------

 

Sharlene stepped out when she spotted a riot. The year: 2221. A large television played Joseph's message repeatedly. The city was not bright and lively; it was dark, as if there were a curfew. Lights shot on, piercing through the night sky. The spotlight was followed by an ear-pounding siren. She approached an angry mob, careful not to come too close. "Um, hello there."

Edited by saltinespike
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Intriguing. I like the flow of it, and the dialogue at the start is great.

 

The only thing I don't like is that while you describe what Sharlene sees when she steps out, it's still a little vague - and then you say she approaches a random angry mob without describing them in any detail. That's something you could look at improving. wink.gif

 

Nice teaser, though. Looking forward to it! smile.gif

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saltinespike
When are we having a new chapter? cry.gif

Good question, man! I haven't written in quite some time, and should probably get back to it. Actually, for lack of better things to do, I'll start right now!

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saltinespike

Chapter 3 - A Bit Too Nosy

 

A large television showed Joseph Cunham speaking to the entire nation; he was on every news station.

 

"I can promise you technology. I can promise you power. Who better to lead this technological advancement than the guy who thought it all up? Advanced weapons, science experiments solved, unanswered questions answered, all of this can be yours after I am president. Impeach yours, replace with me. You will not regret it." He gave a cold, steely look into the camera. "I promise."

 

----------

 

Sharlene stepped out when she spotted a riot. The year: 2221. A large television played Joseph's message repeatedly. The city was not bright and lively; it was dark, as if there were a curfew. Lights shot on, piercing through the night sky. The spotlight was followed by an ear-pounding siren. She approached an angry mob, careful not to come to close. "Um, hello there."

 

Their heads jolted back, at neck-breaking speed. They looked normal, except for their blank expressions and completely white eyes. They approached her, seemingly aggressive. She still attempted to communicate. "What exactly were you guys rioting about?"

 

"All technology must be reported to Emperor Cunham," a female blurted.

 

Sharlene tripped over a twig. She still rustled back. "Well you see I come from the future--" A split second after she said future, the rioters ravished upon her machine and herself. Sharlene fought fiercely, kicking and punching blindly, to no avail. The group sustained her, and started carrying her into the city. A car placed her machine on a wheel and drove it toward an enormous tower, easily looking overlooking the entire city, "Stratosphere" was portrayed along its top.

 

----------

 

Sharlene struggled into the main hall, which was very fancy, but old-fashioned, containing two dimensional photographs, and tile. They entered a tiny room, not more than the size of a closet. A man, standing well over six feet, with a medium build, pressed a button, and it lit up.

 

"What is this machine?" Sharlene questioned as it steadily climbed. No one answered; the four simply stood, waiting for a minute and a half, waiting to reach the top. With a small "ding", the doors slid open, and they stepped into a very curious environment. It did not represent the future nor past, but simply Joseph Cunham.

 

She looked out of the side, which was all windows. The tower had a view of the whole city: red sirens and spotlights flashing into the air.

 

His muffled voice became clearer as they approached. "And computer, what complications would one face wishing to build--"

 

A man of the group opened the door. "Sir! A time traveler is here! Her machine is on its way!"

 

Joseph studied her with dull, red eyes; they were cold and demanding. He spoke in a dark, deep tone, "what is your name?"

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

After this, I'm going to have an interval-type thing: just dialogue (the conversation between the two).

Edited by saltinespike
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I swear I read this before, but I can't remember. Either way, now seems like a good enough time to start leaving some feedback, so I'll start with THAT WAS FREAKIN' GOOD! biggrin.gif

 

I only read the latest chapter, but like I said, I have a feeling I read the rest, so I'll go through it properly in order later once I wake up a bit. No doubt it'll all come back to me. Damn pills. Ahem, anyway.. *grimace* tounge.gif

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Damn, I read this when you posted and forgot to comment:

 

Great work, keep up.

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