The New Vice

[Broker Gangsta]

Well I'm new to the forums and I juss found out about some of the fan fics and I read a few( mainly Coral_ City's The Don and Tubby J's Leone/Cipriani Civil War not to mention many others) and they were amazing so I decided that I would try to make 1. But the basic backstory is Vice City in the early 90's to late 90's about a kid named Mike Drushan aka Mike Mike. The story has alot of betrayal and I hope to make about 6 chapters so here is the basic prolouge and 1st Chapter. Just to note I have paradies of the OJ Simpson murder case with BJ Smith and also mentions many references to Manhunt among other things. Enjoy and give feedback please.

 

Prolouge

 

Vice City is a way different city then what it once was back in the late 80's. The crack epidemic has blew up in Vice City not to mention the huge cocaine epidemic that' still going on. The VCPD are in a war with the streets not to mention the many organizations of Vice City fighting each other for a peice of the pie. The story will have many different plotlines and plot twist. It will span form 1987-1999 present time in this story.

 

Major Characters of chapter 1:

Mike Drushan J.R. aka Lil Mike Mike: The main character

Larry Henton: The V.C.E.T reporter

Tommy Vercetti: The Drug Baron

 

CHAPTER 1

The Streets are Always Watching

 

As the tv blasted in the living room of the luxorious mansion on Starfish Island, the people in the house of Tommy Vercetti waited to hear the interview with one of Tommy's former associates Mike Drushan.

 

" This is Larry Henton of Vice City Entertainment Television reporting to you the 1st ever interview with Mike Drushan aka Lil Mike Mike, the former drug lord and leader of the infamous Ocean Beach Exporters" He was recently sentenced to 3 consecutive life sentences just two weeks ago, June 9, 1999, for the confessed murders of Detective Patrick Frost of the DEA, Marlow James, a rival drug dealer and Susane Brewster in the fatal shootout in front of 24/Seven conveinment mart.The interview will be live in 20 minutes."

 

The tension was high in the tv room of the Vercetti Estate. 1 of Tommy's close associtates Marco spoke.

"Do you think that that little f*ck is gonna rat us out boss?"

Tommy spoke in tone that showed fear but confidence at the same time. Tommy let Mike live wen he knew he should've killed him.

" Naw Mike might be alot of things but a rat he's not. Besides if he wanted to rat us out he could've done it wen he was in court. Who's gonna beleive a guy who just got life in prison?"

Just minutes before the fatal shootout that got Mike life in prison Tommy and Mike were doing a deal that would've made Mike the largest street distrabutor of yayo that money could buy. There was alot of hungry cats in Vice but not many got to do deals with Tommy Vercetti, the largest cocaine distrabutor in Vice not to mention 1 of the most influental and powerful men in the city.

 

The interview was now about to air. Larry Henton was about to do an interview that could possibly make his carrer if he made all the right shots. He spoke in an anxious manner.

" f*ck I'm nervous Jonna. What if this interview f*cks up? I mean I'm interviewing a man that's a known killer and drug dealer that just got 3 consecutive life sentences. What prison is he being transported to again?"

" I think they're tranporting him to Carcer City Penatentary" the producer Jonna said.

" Damn that place is f*cked up. I mean Carcer is f*cked up in general. You heard about those crazy ass new snuff videos that's coming out of that f*cked up place?"

" Yeah I heard about em. I mean it is 1999 what can you expect with all theese drugs and sh*t that theese kids are using."

" Well Jonna you can't forget that the guy that puts thsoe movies out is called The Director or some crazy sh*t like that and he's on Liberty State's most wanted." That's f*cking crazy how he isn't even on Carcer City's most wanted but then again they have 1 of the most corrupted police forces on the East coast.

" Well listen here Larry i hope this interview goes well cuzz I really want you to get that job at the Liberty Tree so you can get the f*ck out of my city and give me my Infernus back."

The two longtime friends broke out into laughter of both joy and sadness. This interview was going to be broadcasted in not only Vice City but also Liberty, Los Santos and many other cities and was rumored to be the most watched thing since the now infamous B.J. Smith wife murder case. This interview was the interview that had Larry hoping that the job with the Liberty Tree would pull through. Mike Drushan was now entering the interview room at the Vice City News Station.

 

The camera man shouted out." We're on air in 3-2-1 roll cameras."

"This is Larry Henton reporting to you with the much anticipated interview with Mike Drushan. After months in court the jury finally picked that Mike would be convicted of 1st degree murder and manslaughter after a shootout infront of the 24/Seven killing 3 people including DEA agent Detective Patrick Frost. We will be giving you a live 2 and a half hour interview with Mike. I will ask questions about his rough childhood and what happend on that dreadful night. But before we can give you the interview of the year we will go to a comercial break provided by theese sponsors."

To Be Continued With Chapter 2

Chapter 2 will be available in about 1 week

Edited June 9, 2007 by Broker Gangsta

[Oxidizer]

Engaging and unique - I like it!

 

Intrigued to see as to where this is going. Can't wait for the next update.

[Broker Gangsta]

Engaging and unique - I like it!

 

Intrigued to see as to where this is going. Can't wait for the next update.

Thanks I rewrote the story like 3 times cuzz I juss didn't knw how I wanted the direction to go but I thought a tv interview and flashbacks would bring out the most suspense. But thatks for the posotive response and the second chapter is being worked on now so it should be up by tonight.

[Eminence]

It's not a bad start, not bad at all. It has a way to go, though. I'm not fond of the amount of dialogue you've used - aside from a little bit of narrative at the start, the rest seems to be complete dialogue, which doesn't help the story progress too well. It gets a little boring reading a conversation exchange between different characters.

 

The main thing I'll focus on, though, is the introduction to it.

 

The first thing you should think about when you're getting going actually writing the story is, unsurprisingly, the first sentence and paragraph.

 

This dictates how the reader views your story. Everyone knows that first impressions can have a lasting effect on people, and with writing it's no different. With your opening, you want to be screaming out to people, "hey, read me, I'll be super interesting!" (or thereabouts )

 

Yours, unfortunately, is a little way away from that. Perhaps when I read things I'm too analytical - who knows - but these few things struck me immediately:

 

 

Vice City is a way different city then what it once was back in the late 80's.

 

OK, so the first line - you want to set the scene well. Key to this is some good imagery and description, and good flow to the line. So, let's see, what description have you got here... "a way different city".

 

This sounds too much like slang. I mean, is that the best description you can come with, "way different"? This, to me, isn't engaging, enticing, exciting ... it's not appealing to me. It's not making me hooked in immediately - this is a technique that truly can be achieved just by the first line of a story.

 

Now, onto the rest of that paragraph:

 

 

Vice City is a way different city then what it once was back in the late 80's. The crack epidemic has blew up in Vice City not to mention the huge cocaine epidemic that' still going on. The VCPD are in a war with the streets not to mention the many organizations of Vice City fighting each other for a peice of the pie. This is 1994.

 

(I'm overlooking the typos/spelling mistakes, and focusing on the structure, just so you know.)

 

Before I continue, I would like to give you a little praise - you've finished strongly with the short sentence - "this is 1994" - it's a good way to end the introduction and set the scene for the continuation of the story - so good job!

 

However, one of the main things I didn't like about this paragraph, albeit only a small detail, was the repetition of "Vice City" three times. You've told us it's set in Vice by the first two words - I think it would be better after that to simply refer to it as 'the city' or something similar, as opposed to repeating the entire name. Take a character, for example: you'd say their name once, then refer to them thereafter as "he/she", before repeating their name again a little later. The same can be applied to a city name - so try to vary it so that you're not repeating the same thing over and over.

 

With the start of the actual first chapter, though, I can see how you've tried to incorporate this:

 

 

As the tv blasted in the living room of the luxorious mansion on Starfish Island, the people in the house of Tommy Vercetti waited to hear the interview with one of Tommy's former associates Mike Drushan.

 

Obviously, here you're trying to include a little more description - "luxurious mansion", as an example. Still, though, it's not that much - and towards the end of the sentence you're simply name-dropping ... Tommy Vercetti, Mike Drushan. You're introducing us to characters who are no more than names at this point - nothing wrong with that, obviously - but by doing it straight away, you're still not fully setting the scene.

 

As I've said, though, one of the main improvements that needs to be made is cutting down some of the dialogue in favour of some more description. Aside from the opening and then another paragraph a little further down, there's no real description of the location, or the characters - adding this will help the reader get into the story more.

 

Not bad, as I say. The actual plot of the story - beginning it by revolving around a rat as opposed to simply some form of criminal - is a little different. It's just that the execution could be a little better.

 

Stick at it, and just remember a couple of the pointers as you go along.

[Broker Gangsta]

It's not a bad start, not bad at all. It has a way to go, though. I'm not fond of the amount of dialogue you've used - aside from a little bit of narrative at the start, the rest seems to be complete dialogue, which doesn't help the story progress too well. It gets a little boring reading a conversation exchange between different characters.

 

The main thing I'll focus on, though, is the introduction to it.

 

The first thing you should think about when you're getting going actually writing the story is, unsurprisingly, the first sentence and paragraph.

 

This dictates how the reader views your story. Everyone knows that first impressions can have a lasting effect on people, and with writing it's no different. With your opening, you want to be screaming out to people, "hey, read me, I'll be super interesting!" (or thereabouts )

 

Yours, unfortunately, is a little way away from that. Perhaps when I read things I'm too analytical - who knows - but these few things struck me immediately:

 

 

Vice City is a way different city then what it once was back in the late 80's.

 

OK, so the first line - you want to set the scene well. Key to this is some good imagery and description, and good flow to the line. So, let's see, what description have you got here... "a way different city".

 

This sounds too much like slang. I mean, is that the best description you can come with, "way different"? This, to me, isn't engaging, enticing, exciting ... it's not appealing to me. It's not making me hooked in immediately - this is a technique that truly can be achieved just by the first line of a story.

 

Now, onto the rest of that paragraph:

 

 

Vice City is a way different city then what it once was back in the late 80's. The crack epidemic has blew up in Vice City not to mention the huge cocaine epidemic that' still going on. The VCPD are in a war with the streets not to mention the many organizations of Vice City fighting each other for a peice of the pie. This is 1994.

 

(I'm overlooking the typos/spelling mistakes, and focusing on the structure, just so you know.)

 

Before I continue, I would like to give you a little praise - you've finished strongly with the short sentence - "this is 1994" - it's a good way to end the introduction and set the scene for the continuation of the story - so good job!

 

However, one of the main things I didn't like about this paragraph, albeit only a small detail, was the repetition of "Vice City" three times. You've told us it's set in Vice by the first two words - I think it would be better after that to simply refer to it as 'the city' or something similar, as opposed to repeating the entire name. Take a character, for example: you'd say their name once, then refer to them thereafter as "he/she", before repeating their name again a little later. The same can be applied to a city name - so try to vary it so that you're not repeating the same thing over and over.

 

With the start of the actual first chapter, though, I can see how you've tried to incorporate this:

 

 

As the tv blasted in the living room of the luxorious mansion on Starfish Island, the people in the house of Tommy Vercetti waited to hear the interview with one of Tommy's former associates Mike Drushan.

 

Obviously, here you're trying to include a little more description - "luxurious mansion", as an example. Still, though, it's not that much - and towards the end of the sentence you're simply name-dropping ... Tommy Vercetti, Mike Drushan. You're introducing us to characters who are no more than names at this point - nothing wrong with that, obviously - but by doing it straight away, you're still not fully setting the scene.

 

As I've said, though, one of the main improvements that needs to be made is cutting down some of the dialogue in favour of some more description. Aside from the opening and then another paragraph a little further down, there's no real description of the location, or the characters - adding this will help the reader get into the story more.

 

Not bad, as I say. The actual plot of the story - beginning it by revolving around a rat as opposed to simply some form of criminal - is a little different. It's just that the execution could be a little better.

 

Stick at it, and just remember a couple of the pointers as you go along.

thanks with that help I'm going to try to incorparate that into the next 2 cahpters since I'll be releasing chapter 2 later in the day and then chapter 3 probably tommorw. But what you've said is helping me alot because wen I was younger I used to always rite short stories and make comic books but this is the 1st time I've wrote a story in like 6 years and I hope to be a film writer and director so I try to get the images out of my head onto something to see how they play out. But once again thanks for the feedback Eminence

[Broker Gangsta]

Chapter 2

Bloody Roads

 

Chapter 2 Major Characters

 

Larry Henton: News Reporter

Mike Drushan aka Lil Mike Mike: Drug Dealer

Tommy Vercetti: Drug Baron

Marco: The second in command of Tommy Vercettis' Gang

 

" The Streets aint paved with Gold. This not the Wizard of Oz. The streets are made with the blood of people and dirty money. In this city I'll never see a Yellow Brick Road"

 

Chapter 2

 

The interview room at the VCN station was quiet. The interview with 1 of the most dangerous men in Vice City was finally about to happen. Everyone was anticapating it but nobody knew what was about to happen. There was many possiblities. Maybe he would drop names of everyone that was involved in his organization over the past 6 years. Maybe he would finnaly offically let everyone know what really happenss in Vice City after dark even tho if you lived in Vice you already knew. Hell even if you didn't live in Vice you already knew what happens. But then again maybe he wouldn't. It would go against a long time tradition with gangsters and gangstas about keeping thier mouths shut. His crew that did not get caught would disown him, the dangerous men he worked with would probably put a hit on him so that the 1st day he walked in Carcer City Pennatentary he would be shakned to death. But then again who would really beleive a man who just got 3 life sentences?

 

" I'm Larry Henton coming to you live here at the VCN interview room where we have Mike Drushan in his last day before he is transported to Carcer City Pennatentary for the rest of his life." I am bringin you the only interview with the 29 year old who will be telling us alot of things that will detail his last 6 years of running the Ocean Beach Exporters drug operation and will be telling us many other things along the lines of his childhood and how he was caught up in the underworld of Vice. Mr. Drushan are you ready to speak?" The camera men pointed the 3 different cameras to convicted killer who was handcuffed and his legs chained to the seat. Not to mention the 3 guards who had bulletproof vests on and MP-5s ready to shoot him down if the time came. This was no interview. This was more on the lines of an interrogation if you asked me.

 

Mike spoke in a calm manner. " Well what the f*ck else can I do? I mean if I don't speak then my last few hours of freedom are gone, but if I do speak then I'll have just a little more time to actually live." Nobody actually knew what he meant by that but everyone guessed the same thing. He knew his life would be done once he enterd prson. Maybe he would die at the hands of somebody and maybe he wouldn't. but wen you're locked up in a cage for 20 hours you might as well say you're dead.

 

Larry spoke nervously when he talked to Mike Drushan. Not because he was scraed but because he never did an interview like this before. " Mr. Drushan could I ask that you cut your profanity down a little. This is broadcast in alot of cities."

" Sure, why not I mean I wouldn't want to make myself seem any more savage on live tv by using words that most people use." His sarcasm spoke louder then you'd think.

" Well you have a point Mr.Drushan. So I guess I'll let you get everything off your chest by letting you use your freedom of speech."

" Well what do you want to know?"

Mike spoke in a way that you wouldn't think a person who just got life in prison whould talk. He spoke as if he was a celebrity doing just a regualr interview. But then again he is a celebrity of sorts to the young dealers in Vice.

" I'd like to know about your childhood first of all if that's ok with you sir?"

......... It took awhile for him to actually speak but finally after about 30 seconds he did.

" what the f*ck is there to know? I mean my father wasn't home much and my mother was a f*cking coke head that spent most of our house rent on that bullsh*t. That's my childhood for you."

" But I just want to know why would you sell what basicly ruined your childhood...

" I never said that it ruined my childhood. My childhood was ruined when I was bron. That sh*t ruined my mother not me.

" Well you cut me off before I could finish what I was saying, but I guess I got my answer anyways."

 

Meanwhile at the estate of Tommy Vercetti on Starfish Island.

 

" Well Boss how do you think this interview is going now?" Marco asked in a curious manner.

" sh*t I couldn't tell ya. The way it's going now dosen't seem like it's getting anywhere. I wish they could skipp past this bullsh*t talking and get to the serious sh*t.

" Yea whats that boss?"

"To see if that f*ck rats us out or something."

"I thought you said you didn't think that he was a rat?"

" I don't think he will but it is always the possibility that he would."

As Tommy and Marco chatted about the possibliity of Mike snitchin on them the tension in the entertainment room of the Vercetti estate was high. The 30 men and women that were in the entertainment room where seeming to enjoy his whole epidemic. They were smoking on the best cuban cigars out of Little Havanna and drinking some of the best win and liquor that money could buy. The fun that Tommys' associates were having seemed to irk Tommy since to him and major players in his qrganization could possibly go down if Mike spoke to much.

 

" What the f*ck is the matter with you assholes? Do you think this sh*t is a goddam game? Get the fucc out of my mansion all of you!" Tommy sopke with much anger for if Mike did speak to much this would be the second time that somebody that he thought was close to him betrayed him.

" Marco, Leo, Christopher, and Paulie you all saty. The rest of you f*cks get the hell out of my house.

 

It's been nearly an hour since the interview first started but to Mike and Larry it seems like it's been at least a lifetime. Larry has been asking questions but Mike dosen't seem to ever want to answer. He gives half assed answers or dosen't evn answer at all but finally the interview seems to be gettin somewhere. Finally Mike is going to answer how he 1st got involved with drugs.

 

" So what age were you wen you 1st started selliing drugs?''

" I was probably around 17.

" You started blowing up with the Ocean Beach Exporters in in 1993 and you were only 23 then. So you started selling drugs in 1987?"

" Yea that's about when I started."

So do you mind telling us about that experience?"

The two were finally starting to connect with eachother on the interview. It was now starting to get intresting.

" For you to know about my past I'm going to have to take you to 1987 so you can really experience about my past. I'm ready whenever you are Larry."

 

 

Well just to give off some minor spoilers chapter 3 will be placed in 1987 in a flashback and Mike in telling the story as if it were present day. Chapter 3 should be done in about 1-2 days. Enjoy the 1st 2 chapters and give feedback.

Edited June 10, 2007 by Broker Gangsta

[Exogen]

I skimmed the first bit. You're doing well. Try to remember that the thing that makes fiction seem real is dialog. Make sure your characters are speaking like real people (even if you are trying to keep them true to the game). By all means, keep at it. I'd love to critique your work!

[Eminence]

I like the quote at the beginning of the chapter - sets it up quite nicely.

 

As with the first chapter, however, I still feel it's too dialogue heavy. For example - everything the newscaster is saying, does it really have to be said? Could you not just say the newscaster is introducing the story, or at least tone it down a bit? You're writing a whole paragraph of dialogue at the start ... it's too much.

 

As well as that:

 

 

This was no interview. This was more on the lines of an interrogation if you asked me.

 

If you asked who? Who's this narrator that's suddenly popped out of nowhere to tell the story?

 

 

Mike spoke in a calm manner. " Well what the f*ck else can I do?

 

He spoke in a calm manner. Really? So, he's not contradicting that manner by then bursting into a nice sharp "what the f*ck"?

 

 

but wen you're locked up in a cage for 20 hours you might as well say you're dead.

 

Here - the narrator is back, telling the story in the second person - to the audience. You have to settle on how the story is being told. Is the narrator telling the story about himself, in first person; is he telling it directly to the audience, in second person; or is he describing the events of other people's lives, in third person. You have to decide and remain constant throughout, because so far, I've seen examples of all three.

 

Also, there was an error in the tense towards the end. Throughout the story, it's been told in the past tense - what has already happened. At the end, however:

 

 

It's been nearly an hour since the interview first started but to Mike and Larry it seems like it's been at least a lifetime. Larry has been asking questions but Mike dosen't seem to ever want to answer. He gives half assed answers or dosen't evn answer at all but finally the interview seems to be gettin somewhere. Finally Mike is going to answer how he 1st got involved with drugs.

 

This entire paragraph has switched to the present tense, talking about what is happening at the current moment in time. Again - remain consistent!

 

 

My only other concern with it is that nothing's really happening. Two chapters so far and nothing's happened, whatsoever. Why is everyone gathered at Tommy's mansion, only for him to tell them all to leave ... and then again, nothing happens. Where is the interview leading?

 

What's the actual plot building into? Try not to drag the interview out for too much longer - get into the actual plot of the story.

[Broker Gangsta]

I like the quote at the beginning of the chapter - sets it up quite nicely.

 

As with the first chapter, however, I still feel it's too dialogue heavy. For example - everything the newscaster is saying, does it really have to be said? Could you not just say the newscaster is introducing the story, or at least tone it down a bit? You're writing a whole paragraph of dialogue at the start ... it's too much.

 

As well as that:

 

 

This was no interview. This was more on the lines of an interrogation if you asked me.

 

If you asked who? Who's this narrator that's suddenly popped out of nowhere to tell the story?

 

 

Mike spoke in a calm manner. " Well what the f*ck else can I do?

 

He spoke in a calm manner. Really? So, he's not contradicting that manner by then bursting into a nice sharp "what the f*ck"?

 

 

but wen you're locked up in a cage for 20 hours you might as well say you're dead.

 

Here - the narrator is back, telling the story in the second person - to the audience. You have to settle on how the story is being told. Is the narrator telling the story about himself, in first person; is he telling it directly to the audience, in second person; or is he describing the events of other people's lives, in third person. You have to decide and remain constant throughout, because so far, I've seen examples of all three.

 

Also, there was an error in the tense towards the end. Throughout the story, it's been told in the past tense - what has already happened. At the end, however:

 

 

It's been nearly an hour since the interview first started but to Mike and Larry it seems like it's been at least a lifetime. Larry has been asking questions but Mike dosen't seem to ever want to answer. He gives half assed answers or dosen't evn answer at all but finally the interview seems to be gettin somewhere. Finally Mike is going to answer how he 1st got involved with drugs.

 

This entire paragraph has switched to the present tense, talking about what is happening at the current moment in time. Again - remain consistent!

 

 

My only other concern with it is that nothing's really happening. Two chapters so far and nothing's happened, whatsoever. Why is everyone gathered at Tommy's mansion, only for him to tell them all to leave ... and then again, nothing happens. Where is the interview leading?

 

What's the actual plot building into? Try not to drag the interview out for too much longer - get into the actual plot of the story.

Thanks once again. I'm really trying to tone down the dialouge for the 3rd chapter it's just kind of hard since I'm so used to writing dialouge and stories like this. But I promise chapter 3 is finally going to have action and won't be in the interview format much anymore. Also the dialouge will be toned down much more and instead the story will be fleshed out more by the action and stuff in that manner.

[Broker Gangsta]

Chapter 3 Major Characters

 

Mike Drushan aka Lil Mike Mike: The main character

Eric James aka EJ: Mikes' bestfriend

Sebastian Tinfair aka Bass: a neighborhood friend and basketball player

Anthony Mandana aka Tony: a Drug dealer in Little Havanna

Leon Terris aka Leo T: A Little Hati drug dealer and rival to Tony

 

" I looked in they sky wondering if God was going to strike me down for the sin i just commited. I just commited my first murder. After about 2 minutes of staring into the blue sky I realised nothin happened. f*ck it I'm going to go to Hell when I die anyways."

 

Chapter 3

The Dance of '87

 

The gun was pointed at the stores clerk. If he made the wrong move he was dead.

" Motherf*cker don't move or I'll blow your f*cking head off."

I told EJ to cool it but I knew I couldn't control him. He was going to shoot the clerk 1 way or another. So I said f*ck it and ran out the store with the petty $250 and to the car. I heard 4 gunshots as I was putting the keys into the ignition. I just participated in a homicide.

 

" EJ what the f*ck man!" Why the f*ck did you kill him? We already had the f*cking money man."

" Quit being a f*cking pussy all the time man. sh*t we need this money remember. We gotta pay Leo back the money we owe him."

 

I could tell EJ was as scared as I was. We just hit a lick on a damn conveinent mart and only made $250 f*cking dollars. We owed Leo T two grand because we f*cked up his car. Leo had a bad reputation around Vice. He was a known killer and drug dealer, not to mention a f*cking Hatian so you know that meant trouble. Just a year prior there was a brutal war between the Hatians and Cubans and Leo rose to fame during that period. He killed a few of those spick f*cks in a shootout. If I remember right it was 8 Cubans and only him in a failed hit. Now we would have to face Leo with only $250.

 

EJ yelled out in anger. " f*ck man."

" What the f*ck is it now?"

"I left the f*cking gun in the store after I shot the guy."

" You f*cking idiot EJ we won't have time to go back there I mean the f*cking 5-0 gotta be thick over there by now."

My situation was going from bad to worse in less than 10 minutes. Now not only would we have to face Leo with that petty ass amount of money but now a f*cking scolding from him about leaving that gun behind at the store. And we didn't have much time to get a story staright because we were now in Little Hati aka home.

 

I grew up in Little Hati even tho I wasn't Hatian. I never knew my father and I guess you can say I never knew my mother either for the fact that she was a f*cking coke head and wasn't at home much. EJ has been my friend since I was 11. I'm now 17 so for the past 6 years he's been my right hand man. Leo was siomething like a father figure to me. I mean he was 1 of the onlt Hatains that were older than me that I actually liked. EJ sold yayo for Leo but I decided I didn't want to and it wasn't because I didn't want to sell it. I didn't sell coke for the simple fact that I didn't need to.I wasn't broke like some of theese niggas in Hati and while my mother was a fiend I took the money I needed from her before she could spend it on coke. As we pulled up to the Voodo at Leo Ts' house we noticed something that we don't see in Hati often. It was silent and clear. Ther was no thugs, no dealers, no fiends and most importantly no gunshots going off.

 

"Nigga you make 1 motherf*cking move and I'll low yo f*cking head of your shoulders."

This was f*cked up. I'm being stuck up in my own neighborhood. I had cold sweat dripping down my face. i had been jumped by some young Cubans when the war was going on because they thought I was Hatian. I got pistol whiped by Leo 1 time for accidentaly missing the toilet on accident and pissing on the floor. Hell I'd been beaten almost daily by my mother untill I decided tomove in wiht EJ but I'd never been stuck up before. Laughter broke out.

 

" You pussy ass nigga Mike Mike. I was thinking you was about to piss on your f*cking self. Damn you must have ben scared."

" Aww f*ck you Bass. You bitch ass fa**ot. You wouldn't try none of that sh*t on them Cubans."

" Aww f*ck you I'd blow 1 of themf*ckers heads staraight off."

 

In about 20 seconds i saw about 30 Hatians come out of nowhere. Those motherf*ckers were playing a joke on me. When i saw the look on EJs' face Iknew he was involved all along.

 

'' Damn bro you really are 1 of a kind. I don't know anybody more bitch then you in little Hatti then a actual bitch."

" f*ck you 2 EJ. And Bass I'm going to kick your ass worse then yo daddy used to."

After awhile I had to laugh to. Bass was really the one who was 1 of a kind. I mean he was the best basketball player I'd ever seen not to mention good looking. I seen Bass f*ck about 8 women in 1 night. Not only that but he was smart as hell but to quote what he told me once." School aint for everyone. sh*t if you ask me personally school really aint for us at all. We aint goin do sh*t but be gangstas wen we grow up." Bass was around 19 I think and EJ was just a little bit older than me. After about 5 minutes of peace I heard a voice come out of nowhere and say something to me and EJ.

 

" Well well well. If it aint the two f*ck ups of Little Hatti. You two got alot of f*cking explaining to do. I knew what Leo was talking about and from past experiences with Leo wen we had to explain we usually needed to get or nosestarighted after we left. Leo was around 24 big and cocky. He had alot of scars and a beard that I really wish he'd cut sometimes. Out of nowhere in the blink of any eye I was on the ground. I didn't even know I was bleeding untill I tasted blood flowing from my forhead going into my mouth.

 

" What the f*ck happened? I told you two to get my money for my car not because I didn't have it but because I wanted to teach you two a f*cking lesson. There's many ways to get money but robbing a f*cking mini mart. And you EJ you know you have the money. If you flipped that sh*t like I told you you should have atleats $600."

I'm sorry Leo. I mean I f*cked up big time I'll make it up to." but before EJ could finish Leo interupted.

" Just shut the f*ck up EJ. Who killed the f*cking clerk and left the f*cking gun at the store?"

" I'm sorry Leo. I was in a rush you know. I had gloves on so they can't trace that sh*t." I knewby the tone of EJ's voice that Leo had him shook up. I mean I thought what Leo did to me was brutal but what he does to RJ is like torture. But then again Leo and EJ are brothers.

 

" Bass I want you to take Mike Mike up to Little Havanna. Me and EJ got something to talk about.

" What the f*ck you mean take Mike to Havanna?"

" Are you denying what I tell you little nigga? Because if you are you and EJ can swith and I talk to you in private."

" Naw I'll take em. Where's the money at?"

" It's in the trunk." and Bass don't f*ck this up"

 

After the war with the Cubans finally ceased Aunt Poulet and Umberto Robina the leaders of Little Hatti and Little Havann thought that they could finally work together to try to mkae more money off of drugs. I mean ever since Tommy Vercetti took over Ricardo Diaz empire coke prices sky rocketted and if we were still going at eachothers throats then we all knew nobody would be getting money. Bass and I finally made in to Little Havanna.

 

"Alright listen. I want you to stay in this car Mike while I handle this sh*t aight."

" Man f*ck that I aint letting you go into that f*cks apartment withtout me."

" Be cool little man. I got that new sh*t that Leo ordered form them Russians in Liberty.".

" Those high power new Uzis?"

" Yea I got two of em on me so if any of those spicks act up them I'm spraying sh*t down ya digg?"

 

I had a bad feeling in my gut about this sh*t from the start. but I obeyed what Bass said and stayed in the car. I had a .357 Magnm in my lap and even tho I'd neverkilled before I had a gut feeling that maybe tonight would be my 1st homocide. Bass was going into the apartment of Tony Mandana a big time drug dealer in Little Havanna and close associate of Umberto Robina. After about 15 minutes I heard gunshots. Multiple gunshots to be exact. I saw Bass running out the apartment with two breifcases. I knew that somebody was going to get ripped off tonight.

 

" Open my door Mikey!" Bass yelled.

As soon as I opened his door he was peirced wiht two bullets. 1 hitting his shoulder dropping the 2 kilos of cocaine and 1 bullet hitting his leg. He hit the ground. i pulled up my .357 and blasted 2 shots at the cuban chasing Bass. I fired with 1 hand not knowing any better and it damn near broke my wrist. but as I was rubbing my wrist I noticed that there was no more gunshots. The 2 shots I fired hit the Cuban twice in the chest.

 

" Help me the f*ck up Mikey sh*t!

as I helped Bass up he yelled for me to go pick up the yayo as I was helping him into the car.

I looked in they sky wondering if God was going to strike me down for the sin i just commited. I just commited my first murder. After about 2 minutes of staring into the blue sky I realised nothin happened. f*ck it I'm going to go to Hell when I die anyways.

 

" Get in the f*cking car you idiot! Bass yelled at me.

As I got into the car I heard police sirens closing in.

" What the f*ck happened back there Bass?"

" I did what I was told. Leo told me to pretend to but 2 keys from that f*ck Tony and then rip him off and kill his bitch ass."

" What the f*ck is Leo doing? Is he trying to start another war or some sh*t?"

" That f*ck Tony was doing this deal on his own. Robina and no other main Cubans knew about this sh*t.

 

Today has been the most hectic day of my life. I robbed a mini mart, was at the scence of 1 murder earlier and now I just commited my 1st murder. I asked Bass how much money is the yayo worth.

 

" That sh*ts worth a good 50 gs to 150 gs."

I was finally starting to get used to this sh*t. I learned a valuble lesson today. Buisness is Buisness. there's no love in buisness only money. You f*ck people over for the money. You kill people for the money. You do anything for the money. this lesson is something that I'll always remember. On our way back to Little Hatti a new Love Fist song came on VRock. The Dance of '87 was what it was called. I hate rock but for some starnge reason Bass likes it. The song was inturrupted by a news breif.

 

" This is Larry Henton with VCN. I am reporting that a multiple homocide has just happend in Little Havanna. 4 men were shot multiple times including Little Havanna drug lord Tony Mandana. Police arrived at the scene about 7 minutes after the shooting. No further details have been disclosed as of this time."

 

We finally got back to Little Hatti. Something in me was bron once we arrived . I felt reborn. I felt power. I felt something I've never felt before. I felt I wanted to run sh*t in Vice and I thought that the only way to get to the top was to do what I learned this day. Kill and Betray. I loved Leo in a way I couldn't describe but I knew that the only way for me to get power was for him to go away. I don't know why I'm thinking any of this but I like it. I'll have to sleep on it over the night so i can get my head straight. But then again Mike Mike the King of Vice sounds good. Yea I like that title alot.

 

Chapter 3 End

 

Chapter 4 will be alot more sxplosive than Chapter 3 so return for the next chapter. I'll give a little spoiler. It will start in the interview room briefly then go back to the past as Mike is telling the story to Larry Henton. It will be in 1994 7 years after this chapter and 5 years before the interview and it will be told in a flashback and wll tel the story of Mike's rise to power.

Edited June 9, 2007 by Broker Gangsta

[Broker Gangsta]

I'm breaking down Chapter 4 into 2 seperate acts so I can flesh the story out a little more. Act 1 will be in 1987 still and will be about what happened after Chapter 3 and the days following. While Act 2 will be in 1994 instead. Enjoy

 

Chapter 4 act 1 Major Chracters.

 

Mike Drushan aka Lil Mike Mike: The main character

Eric James aka EJ: Mikes' bestfriend

Sebastian Tinfair aka Bass: a neighborhood friend and basketball player

Leon Terris aka Leo T: A Little Hati drug dealer and mentor to Mike

Hatian Pat: A Hatian drug dealer that just moved to Vice. He seems to be a little too genourous.

 

" Motherf*cker is a f*cking snitch. That's why sh*t always seems to go down the drain in this buisness. You can't trust nobody. Not even a person that's close to you. They show you love but really wanna just cut your f*cking heart out."

 

Chapter 4 Part 1

The Liberty Connection

 

I didn't know what to think anymore. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. Just yesterday I killed somebody. I guess when they say you kill your first person then you can kill a second and a third is true. I felt as if I had power now and I felt like killing somebody else. I guess if I told anybody else this sh*t they'd probably think I was f*cking nuts. But who cares what people think of them becaue after yesterday I sure as f*ck dont. EJ busted into my room like the holy ghotst was fter him.

 

" Wake the f*ck man, we gotta go."

" Go where? It's f*cking 6 o clock in the morning."

" Man you really got to get that f*cking clock fixed bro. It's 3:45 in the daytime. I guess Leo has something to talk to everybody about at the Hump today."

Whenever Leo had to talk to the Hatainas about anything it was either to come up with a plot for something, to work out crews and jobs, or to announce something. But for me I didn't really wnna go. I mean I always liked to listen to what Leo had to talk about but for some reason not today. Not after what I was thinking about yesterday. But then again I knew if I didn't come now I would probably get a scolding form Leo later on in the day so i said f*ck it and got up.

 

" What the f*ck's going on?" I asked

" I guess Leo is introducing some new f*cker to us today. I guess this guy is a new to Vice. He's from Liberty."

The guy that told me that was a guy I had never seen before in Little Hatti. I knew alot of the Hatians since this was my neighborhood but some of them I just never met or seen before and this guy was 1 of them. I decided to ask him a couple questions.

" What's he doin form Liberty comin all the way down South? And what part of Liberty is he from?"

" I guess he knows Leo and wants to start workin wit us. He's from Broker or Staunton Island I an't remember. sh*t from what I've been hearing this guy supposedly has about 10 kilos with him."

I got all the answers I wanted from this guy. But damn if this Liberty dude has about 10 keys on him i could really get my dream poppin. But then again it was only 1 problem. Leo.

 

" Ok man. Listen up. This is Hatian Pat. He's one of my friends back at Liberty Pennatentary. He's come here to set up shop. We'll treat him like our own. Mikey I want you to come take his bags."

" why the f*ck do I got to get his bags? I mean why can't somebody else get them?"

I could tell I made Leo mad. Not only was I defying him but also infront of this Liberty guy.

" You'll get the f*cking bags because I said so. Not to mention you woke up late. So do you have anyting else to say?"

" No sir I'll get the bags."

Even tho I got his bags deep down inside I wanted to tell Leo to go f*ck himself. But I knew better.

 

It was something about Hatian Pat that I couldn't quite figure out. He jst didn't seem like the killer type compared to all theese other guys. To me he seemed more like a cop.

" We'll I'm guessing you're Mikey huh?"

" It's Lil Mike Mike man."

" Well I was close enough." Where will I be staying at?"

" The f*ck if I know. I'm only takin your bags to the f*cking porch. Leo didn't tell me where you're staying at."

" You're a fiesty little nigga huh?"

" Man f*ck you. You think I'm some kind of joke or something?"

I was getting angry at the cocky Hatian guy that they call Pat. I don't know why but I did know that 1 punch of his probably would've slept me if I kept talking to him like that.

" Hold on now my friend. I'm not trying to get you upset I'mjust trying to start a conversation that's it."

" My bad man. I'm just having a bad day so far."

" What happened that's making you have such a bad day?"

" I had a bad day yesterday and I guess you can say that it's moving onto today."

"what happened yesterday?" he asked.

I didn't reply. I didn't know him enough and I still had the feeling he was a cop. If i said the wrong thing and he was a cop then I'd probably be locked right now.

" I don't want to talk about it."

That's all I said and that's all he needed to hear. The rest of that day I slept. Still trying to figure out why I'm acting the way I've been acting.

 

The next day seemed different. I was ready to get down to buisness. I didn't see Bass or EJ so I was guessing they went out on a job or something. I decided to go shoot some hoops and after about 10 minutes I say Bass car rolling up thru Hatti like police were chasing him.

" f*ck EJ. You keep f*cking sh*t up man."

" f*ck you you dumbass. You're the 1 that f*cked it up.

I heard EJ and Bass arguing so I decided to go see what happened.

" A what the f*ck are yall arging about?"

" that f*cking idiot EJ dropped the f*cking gun at the warehouse."

" I dropped the gun. You dumbsh*t you knocked it out of my f*cking hand as we were leaving the warehouse.

" what warhouse are yall talkining abou?" I decided to ask.

" It was a drug spot out in Havanna. Leo told us to go there and bring back the supply. The only problem was there wasn't supposed to be no Cubans there.

I needed to know more so I asked " What was the problem then?"

" The f*cking Cubans showed up. Thats the problem. EJ paniced and dropped his gun."

" For the last f*cking time you made me drop it when we were leaving."

I had never seen Bass or EJ argue with eachother. They stopped after about 4 minutes. But as soon as they finally stopped Leo and Hatian Pat came outside.

 

" EJ, Mikey I want to talk to you two. Bass You go to the 24/ Seven and buy me some smokes."

" Aight Leo. I'll be back"

I saw how Leo looked at Bass when he told him to go get some smokes. I had seen this look on Leo many times before. That look was the look of Leo getting ready to kill a man. this wasn't good and I knew it.

 

" We got a snitch in our ranks." Leo said

" So who the f*ck is it and what we gonna do bout it?" asked EJ.

Hatina Pat spoke instead of Leo." It's Sabastian."

This was bullsh*t and I knew it.

" You f*cking liar. Bass aint no goddamn snitch. Leo you should no better. Bass don't get down like that."

" It aint nobody else that we suspect Mikey.It sho as f*ck aint me, you or EJ."

" Then what about Pat? I mean don't nobody f*cking know him but you."

" Hey f*ck you little nigga. I aint no f*cking snitch."

I knew i must have struck a nerve with him when I said that. But Leo came thru in his favor.

"Look I already got my mind straight. I want you two to go and kill Bass."

This was the worst news I had heard in my life.I would have to betray a friend to prove my loyalty or I would have to betray friends and have them think it was me possibly. I said the only thing on my mind." f*ck that."

" Listen here Mikey. I love Bass as much as you do but this is the only way."

" Man listen to yourself Leo. This be Bass we talking about not juss some random nigga."

" This is the only way Mikey like it or not!"

I could tell Leo was getting angry with me. EJ spoke out, " Listen Leo we'll do it. No problem bro. Mikey was smoking some ganja this morning thats it. Thats why he's snapping out."

As me and EJ was finally leaving out the door I heard Leo say somehing to Pat along the lines of this," Motherf*cker is a f*cking snitch. That's why sh*t always seems to go down the drain in this buisness. You can't trust nobody. Not even a person that's close to you. They show you love but really wanna just cut your f*cking heart out."

 

 

I knew what I had to do then. As me and EJ were getting in the car I asked him if we should tell Bass what was happening so he could leave town. As I thought he would EJ said no. He thought that if we told Bass then he would leave and that would really make Leo beleive that Bass was the rat. If we didn't tell Bass then he would be killed if we did him in or not. I pulled up my .357, the same gun I used on the Cuban to save Bass before I used again to save him. I shot EJ in the head and watched as his body fell out of the car. What was really seconds seemed like hours as I watched his body fall out of the car. It was weird cuzz it moved like it was slow motion and his dead eyes connected with mines as he hit the ground dead. I just killed my bestfriend just to try to save another 1. I knew Pat was the rat but I couldn't prove it, especially not now. When Leo ran out the door and saw EJ I put my foot on the pedal and zoomed off to find Bass.I just ruined my life as it was. Leo and the Hatians would kill not only Bass but me aswell. I betrayed the only family I ever knew.

 

" What the f*ck did I just do?"

Tears started rolling down my eyes. I finally saw Bass. As soon as I told him what happened 4 cars full of Hatians drove up. The end was near for me.

" Aight listen Mikey. We gonna have to blast our way outta here. You ready?"

I wasn't ready. I realised I was ready to kill for Bass but not die for him. I just messed up my life so I did the only thing I could do. Run. As I was running away from something I started I noticed something about Bass. I looked in his eyes as the bullets from the modefied Uzis' from the Russians tore his flesh to peices. This was the second time today I looked into a dead persons eyes. Bass hit the ground slumped and covered with blood. Leo and the others were making there way towards me.

 

" You little f*cking bastard. I'm going to rip you to peices you piece of sh*t! You killed my little brother.

The anger in Leos eyes scared the sh*t out of me. I knew I was going to die.

"I'm going to enjoy this sh*t. I'm not going to shoot you. Naw f*ck that I aint going to shoot you. I'm going to torture your little bitch ass!"

 

There was nothing I could do or say so I just stood there as Leo and the others came closer to me. Out of nowhere there was police sirens. There was about 15 cars of police in bulletproof vest and shotguns. They threw everybody on the ground and as I was lying face down me and Leo exchanged looks. I now knew that this wouldn't be over till 1 of us were dead. The cops read of sapenas and checked the body of Bass. It's a crzy world this is. It turned out that Bass really was a f*cking snitch. He was an informant for the VCPD and he had a wire on during the whole shootout. The cops charged Leo and the others with murder and gave me f*cking weapons charges for the .357. I was going to get 6 months max but then what would happen when I got out?

 

As I was in the police car they turned the radio on and I listened.

" This is Larry Henton with a VCPD news update. There was a major crackdown in Little Hatti today. The VCPD have arrested around 20 Hatians including drug lord Leon Tarris. There has also been 2 murders today involving the Hatians. The police report these murders as confidental to the public. The arrested Hatians will be charged with various charges such as murder, drug trafficking, pimping and gun running. I'll have more news later on tonight"

 

It was f*cked up today. Everything that I once knew was now ending. Most of the major Hatians were now going to prison not to mention they wold never forget this night. They'd never forget or forgive me. It also turned out that not only was I right about Pat being a f*cking cop but they also said the charges against me were going to be dropped. It seems the Liberty connection was nothing more than a f*cking cop trying to bring down the Hatians and I was apart of that. I would have to leave Vice for awhile. I had it all planed out in my head now. I would gather up the money I could find and get out for a couple of years. For some reason I felt as if I accomplished everything that I said I was going to. i mean by bringing down Leo and all. Now I would just sit it out for awhile then I would take over Vice. Yea I like that idea alot.

 

End Chapter 4 pt. 1

Edited June 10, 2007 by Broker Gangsta

[TubbyJ]

I like it, stick at it, man. There's really nothing I can do to nitpick, Eminence already got most of it.

 

By the way I'm glad you liked the Leone/Cipriani War.

[Broker Gangsta]

I've been in Summer school so I haven't been able to write any more but pt 2 of chapter 4 should be out by saturday

[Eminence]

Eek, this is the one I forgot! Whoops, two parts as well.

 

I'll get em read soonish.

[TubbyJ]

Keep it up, man. I'm real interested. Can't wait for the next part.

[Broker Gangsta]

Thanks Tubby J and Eminence. Yall 2 are my only actual faithful readers and for awhile I thought about just leaving this story alone and not continuing but I thought about it and I decided I'm going to finish this story up and try 2 go to something else. But as of right now I'm having a little bit of writers block and I can't come up with anything to finish the chapter and the rest of the story off but I'm trying to come up with ideas.

[Eminence]

Decent twist with Bass being a snitch towards the end - nice one to throw in.

 

One thing I'd have to say is that there seems to be too much dialogue, and not enough description. There never seems to be much detail on what's going on, so it's hard for the reader to imagine an image of what's happening. Most of the description seems to just be Mike reflecting on his past and his background - so the scenes aren't really being vividly described.

 

Saying that, though, I do really like the way Mike constantly reflects on his background. You've really put his character across well, and that's one of the best things about this story, I'd say. As I've already mentioned, I also love the quotes at the start of each chapter, which are a nice touch. Not only that, though, there's also an abundance of lines within Mike's inner monologue that make for excellent quotes, too. I really liked this:

 

 

I learned a valuble lesson today. Buisness is Buisness. there's no love in buisness only money. You f*ck people over for the money. You kill people for the money. You do anything for the money.

 

I really like the way you run that inner monologue through the story, it's excellent!

 

Looking forward to the next part, whenever you manage to write it. Skimp out on some of the dialogue, include a little more description - but keep the inner voice going!

[Broker Gangsta]

Decent twist with Bass being a snitch towards the end - nice one to throw in.

 

One thing I'd have to say is that there seems to be too much dialogue, and not enough description. There never seems to be much detail on what's going on, so it's hard for the reader to imagine an image of what's happening. Most of the description seems to just be Mike reflecting on his past and his background - so the scenes aren't really being vividly described.

 

Saying that, though, I do really like the way Mike constantly reflects on his background. You've really put his character across well, and that's one of the best things about this story, I'd say. As I've already mentioned, I also love the quotes at the start of each chapter, which are a nice touch. Not only that, though, there's also an abundance of lines within Mike's inner monologue that make for excellent quotes, too. I really liked this:

 

 

I learned a valuble lesson today. Buisness is Buisness. there's no love in buisness only money. You f*ck people over for the money. You kill people for the money. You do anything for the money.

 

I really like the way you run that inner monologue through the story, it's excellent!

 

Looking forward to the next part, whenever you manage to write it. Skimp out on some of the dialogue, include a little more description - but keep the inner voice going!

Yea I know I have alot of dialouge but I'm just so used to writing like that and its hard to shake you know. I got a C on my writing project because my teacher said I had too much dialouge instead of etting the scenery and description tell some of the story and stuu like that. I'm seriously trying to stop this habbit but like I said its hard. But 'm glad you like my quotes and stuff at the begging of the chapter. I got that idea from The Wire because before every episode starts they always quote something that somebody will say later on in the show and it usually gives people a feeling of how the mood of the story will be. but once again I'm glad you like the story and I'm coming up with ideas to finish off tis chapter as soon as possible but as you can see its taking longer than I thought it would

[Eminence]

Yeah, I know it can be hard to adjust the style - just stick at it and slowly it'll improve.

 

As for the quotes - they reminded me of The Wire a bit too, to be honest. Great show!

[Broker Gangsta]

OK people. I finally got part 2 of The Liberty Connection chapter 4 coming up. It's beenawhile and I had no ideas but I got it all in my head now and I should have it up by tomorow.

[Ryunday]

Dose anyone know what happened to Broker Gangsta? why did he get banned?

Edited August 11, 2007 by Ryunday

[geomy]

He was soliciting GTAF members to join another site, which is a no-no. He got a warning and did it again, so...

[Leprechaun]

Keep it coming!

[Ryunday]

 

Keep it coming!

 

The topic starter is banned. He is not going to keep posting.

Edited September 19, 2007 by Ryunday