Eminence Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 (edited) Hehe, don't worry. Unless something is a downright godawful shambolic pain to read, I'll never tell someone to stop. Improvement is the key word - just stick it at, and have some confidence! EDIT: If you have to double-post, simply edit your above post, instead. See, like I just did? Edited June 8, 2007 by Eminence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 Mostly, possibly more climactic/interesting story. Heh, sorry. Post another that you were talking about, to get a broader idea of your writing. Create a new story? If yes, the same one or different? [sorry for double-post] Probably a new one, unless you change a lot in this one. I would suggest a more climactic one. I know you can do it, bud. One more thing about your writing: no need to identify things that the reader knows (like the song on the radio), you could just say "classic rock plays quietly on the radio". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerminalGTA Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 Just giving my two cents, but for my story I got the character and spent about two weeks going through the map and saying to myself explain each element from the gangs to each character why they are there and what your going to use them for. You then need to set in your mind a background to already have established relationships between your characters, ignore this if like Niko Belic he knows no one, but yet you still need to remember that other people in the story have relationship and these need planning. At the start you should always have a hook. Like my prologue actually paraphrases the first chapter to say what happened. Hey make it something good that you can work with. Its hard to do a Niko Belic just arrived this is my story kinda thing. Have it something that really makes the reader think that things have escalated. Like a drug deal gone wrong, a bank job gone wrong. Someone dieing who is very important. I can't do this for you but this is one of the most imporant things. Once you have set the parameters of your story and the start, stick to them, don't then contradict yourself or turn a character from a nutter to pussy whipped teenager. When I am writing dialogue I actually say the words and the accent. Like making sure that for example. A British character would be less likely to say I'm going to kick your ass, like an American character would. A Brit expecially a Londoner if a criminal would "I will spark you out" or "I'll f*cking have you". This keeps your characters believable. When describing I find that it can be hard sometimes but open up GTA and look around and when you see something try and describe using metaphors and description. Like a parked car is not just a car when describing it. It is a dormant thrill ride. Describe its contours, maybe metaphorise it to a beautiful lady or use the car and the reflection on it and the different hints of life and sound that bounce off it. This is important because it paints a picture rather than declare than an object is simply there. I also, and this is not necessarily always but particularly in the first chapters I like to leave questions at the end. Like leave it on a tenterhook. The worst thing is when the first chapter ends with a bland pointless action like Leon watched TV, he was going to have to get up tomorrow and look for work. Thats boring Plan your story at the start so every installment has a good load of excitement at the end of the chapter before you leave the reader wondering sh*t what happened! When you post your next chapter they will be wanting to read your story to find out what happened And take it from me, Eminance and the other guys really got their stuff sorted on how to display your story and gramatical details. Take them on board they are really useful. I mean my first chapter was layed out crap but with their help, I changed this and it is easier to write now so heed good advice too. Oh and one last thing just like you need to know who your protagonist is at the start, know who your antagonist is too. Don't just pluck it out the sky when you feel the story is near the end because you need to build up the characters dislike for that character, that doesn't mean reveal that info straight away but it does mean to plan ahead what will happen with this character/s to make them the bad guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 (edited) I thank you all for your advice. So far, my creation has lacked important things and quality is low. I will use your advice to continue the story... Chapter 1: Act III "Sir? Sir are you alright? Oh, you are awake..." The doctor continues to talk, but I don't seem to care. All I am focused on is my dad and sisters condition.On the other hand, I am not so focused on Zeke... The doctor helped me up and I was off on my own roaming the halls. The hospital isn't as I remembered. When I was eight, I broke my arm. The walls were spotless and the floors were scuff-free. It had a clean feeling to it. But as of now, I can tell times have changed. There are markings on the floor, along with used cloths and bandages. It seems almost as if the word sanitary never occured to them. The yellow walls and floor along with the smiles the nurses and doctors faked didn't concern me. The world around me was closing in as did my perspective of things. I would think twice about things for now on, cause everything before was masked by their true nature. Peoples' personalities and cliche sayings rendered me speechless. The truth about the world and everything in it has been told to me. But what am I bickering about, I have more important things to worry about... "Nurse...where is my sister?" "She's gonna be six-feet under ground as of tomorrow, along with her boy-friend!" my dad says. I can tell he was drunk. The thing that worries me is that he would have said the same thing if he were sober, the same arrogant response. Later that day, I checked out of the hospital and I walked home. For some odd reason, the sky was blue, the air seemed fresh and birds happily sung. But this gay ol' day didn't matter. It didn't cheer me up. I just wanted to go and tell my friends the story, that is if they didn't already know. "Ivan, it is so good to see you," exclaims Bob, another one of my friends. "Don't f*ckin' touch me!" "What is your problem, Ivan? Are you angry cause she's gone. Being pissed off isn't gonna fix anything..." "Of course it isn't! I'm angry cause I wanna kill that S.O.B. that shot my sister..." "Ivan, it's okay. The cops will find him..." "Those pigs won't find him. Man, I am tired of this sh*t: people doing drugs, people shootin' each other, all this stuff is crazy. I am tired of being Mr. Positive. I am tired of living in the past. Times are changing and so is this city. We can't take anymore sh*t from no one!" Not a thing was said. I knew, and everybody knew, that I was right. Things had to be done. Corruption was everywhere, and we either had to go with the change or be crushed by it. Life was simple back then. Ever since the war, the protests, the drugs and the greed, every inhabitant of Rock City seems just as much of the decaying scum of Earth as we are seen by anyone else. We are never going to be rich...we are never going to be powerful. So for now on, my friends and I shall live this life to survive. To suvive these harsh surroundings of the deep, underground world of Rock City. The journey starts here. "I'll be back, I got something, or should I say someone, to kill" But before I rode away to my task, my friend blankly stared in my eyes and said, "Ivan, your father is in jail!" Edited June 9, 2007 by TheJonesy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 Some parts of my Acts have been updated. The narration has been turned to "I" instead of "Ivan". Little annoyances have been TERMINATED! I have just finished Act III and I am a little happier about this one. Although it needs more mood-involved description, this part smooths older confusion out. @TerminalGTA...I think you are mistaken towards my direction of plot. You guys think that the drive-by was performed by the antagonist...boy are you in for a ride! Can't wait to unvail the real plot. I think my story has just begun, cause the "passenger" is a minor penny in the whole bank, if you know what I mean. Please post more advice to perfect the story, the beginning was rough and I want the rest of the story to be much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Erm, a few things need changing. Number one, you did not eliminate all third person narration: "Nurse...where is my sister?" Ivan yells. "Ivan, it is so good to see you," exclaims Bob, another one of his friends. The dialog seems quite unsteady and thrown-together (Ivan's short speech sounded a bit like Sweet's in the beginning on SA). Ivan's sudden outburst is somewhat surprising, also. For a good story twist and explanation, PM me (I have an idea). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 Erm, a few things need changing. Number one, you did not eliminate all third person narration: "Nurse...where is my sister?" Ivan yells. "Ivan, it is so good to see you," exclaims Bob, another one of his friends. The dialog seems quite unsteady and thrown-together (Ivan's short speech sounded a bit like Sweet's in the beginning on SA). Ivan's sudden outburst is somewhat surprising, also. For a good story twist and explanation, PM me (I have an idea). Thanks for that, I should start reading my posts backwards to notice these mistakes. But besides the these narrative problems, is the storyline OK? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 As I said, it could be with a twist and an explanation (I have a good suggestion if you want it). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 Oh...and what do you mean by PM. (does that mean Please Message, cause I may have a different messaging thing than you) BTW: here is my "twist"...so far! Emily, Ivan's sister, was killed because her boy-friend was actually a pimp. (I didn't describe him well) He made a deal with a guy and needed Emily's money. The money wasn't paid and the "passenger" killed them. Now, the "passenger" tells the cops that his friend, or "driver" as you know him, is killed along with Emily and Zeke by Ivan and his father. Obviously, the father was found and put in jail. Ivan is running from the cops whilst finding the "passenger". He finally kills him, but finds that he works for the largest gang in Rock City, The Razors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 One of the first things I noticed at the start was when describing the hospital. First, you describe it by saying that it is "as if the word sanitary never occured to them", but then in the next paragraph you describe the hospital as having "almost-white walls and floor" - this is a little contradicting, no? Surely almost-white implies that they seem spotless, as opposed to the dirty description you gave only moments earlier? Also, this: But what am I thinking, I've got other things to worry about.But what am I bickering about, I have more important things to worry about... You may have done this intentionally, but by repeating this same line, it really breaks down the flow of the story. You've said you're going to move on - but then you don't - and it just slows the entire thing down. However, that's not the main problem this time around. This time, your narrative is all over the place once again. No, it's not due to the switch between third person and first person this time - it's to do with tense switching. I'm honestly not sure which one the story is supposed to be told in ... because it's being told in 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. The doctor continues to talk, but I don't seem to care. All I am focused on is my dad and sisters condition. Fine so far, present tense. My sister's boy-friend, Zeke, was no worry to me. Oops - past. After the doctor helped me up, Sticking with past now. The hospital isn't as I remembered. Oh wait, no ... back to present. But as of now, I can tell times have changed. Good job, sticking with present. There were markings on the floor, along with used cloths and bandages. Nope, back to past. Yeah, I'll stop there - I hope you get the picture. Problem is, it continues on like this, and if you're reading closely ... it gets pretty jumbled up towards the end. If you've got a simple plot down, then good. Fair enough. Stop worrying about whether it's good enough, and just take whatever plot you have - and execute it well. The best plot in the world, if executed poorly, will interest noone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 PM means personal message (see that "0 New Messages" up there?). To do so, click on my name, and there should be a list of things to do. On the lower right side, it'll say "Personal Message", and "Click Here" just to the right of it. You should know what to do from there. My explanation for Ivan's sudden outburst (and an intriguing twist) would be: Make Ivan schizophrenic or bipolar, or some sort of mental illness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 Attention everyone... I am currently planning to quicly end this story. Apparently it SUCKS. I will post another one with more twist and interesting material...hopefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 No need to get all butt-hurt about it. I wouldn't even end it, in case you come back to it in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 No need to get all butt-hurt about it. I wouldn't even end it, in case you come back to it in the future. I guess I'll continue... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gta phil gta Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 You reported the post. So, you want the topic locked or not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 What's wrong with just leaving it as it is? Don't continue if you don't think people will appreciate it, but don't abruptly end it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 (edited) Chapter 2: Act I "What do you mean 'in jail'?" "Ivan, he was put into jail...some witness said that he killed Emily and her boy-friend, Zeke. The escaped "passenger" from the drive-by ratted on my father. He claimed that George shot Emily, Zeke, the passenger and his driver. He also claimed that I was part of this too. The police are currently after me. But I knew I wasn't going to take this sh*t. I searched everywhere. Every 'hood, every contact I could find, and I found nothing. So I had to resort to that night. What was he driving? Wait! It was blue...the picture became more and more vivid. Blue truck, no! It was a blue...car. Mustang! I drove around the streets and found the blue Mustang. It stopped and a man in a trenchcoat walked out and into an apartment nearby. I chased him into the building and ran multiple flights of stairs. I noticed him enter room 130-B...so I entered. I slammed the door and ran inside the room to see no one. I ckecked every corner. After searching, the closet was left and I gazed into the eyes of one man... RICHARD SIMMONS! Edited June 9, 2007 by TheJonesy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 You reported the post. So, you want the topic locked or not? Yes... ...it has to be done! Great ending right? Don't think that I am angry cause you guys are helping. I just want to put an end to it. Lock please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 WHAT! THE! f*ck!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gta phil gta Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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