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Grand Theft Auto: Rock City


TheJonesy

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It is 1975 and the city, as you know it, has gone to the dumps. Corruption and filth fills the streets as the race for a better life begins. Things are changing, just as you should...

 

You'reare nothing more than another citizen, but suddenly thrown into trouble as society drags you down along with it. This is Rock City...can YOU dig it?

 

INTRO: COMING SOON!

Edited by TheJonesy
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I've got a suggestion.

 

 

Write the intro before posting the topic?

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I've got a suggestion.

 

 

Write the intro before posting the topic?

INTRODUCTION...(background info)

 

Rock City, the only city in America that doesn't give a damn. The only city that does nothing for no one, but can barely take care of itself. You have to live hear. You, Ivan Stone, have to survive yourself, nobody is going to take care of you, but only you. Know everybody, trust nobody...keep your friends close, but keep your enemies CLOSER!

 

You are Ivan Stone...a man of few words. He is the type of man that "needs no education." He's the one who wears the filthy, plaid button-up shirts and straight jeans. He has the worn-out shoes, feathered hair and the grungy 5 o' clock shadow. He has no, and faces no, limits. Girls, although love him, would not spend time with him. He lives near the tracks (train tracks), but barely stays home: partying, drinking, riding....riding his one love, his motorcycle. The one his father gave him, along with the auto shop he now owns. He is surrounded by the rising drugs and crime. He is the only one who was thrown into these problems and can save himself...

Edited by TheJonesy
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Sorry for double-post...

 

Characters:

 

Ivan Stone- main protagonist

Emily Stone- Ivan's sister

Zeke- Emily's boy-friend

George Stone- Ivan's father

Molly Stone- Ivan's mother

Steve Jones- Ivan's best friend

Drake Jones- Steve's older brother

Jo "Jumbo" Fordson- Ivan's uncle

 

"The Crime":

 

The Sharks;

-----Headed by Drake Jones-----

Territory- "The Lot"

Rides- bikes, trucks

Music- RC 97.2

 

The Razors;

-----Headed by "The Knife" Jackson-----

Territory- Uptown

Rides- bikes, white mini-vans

Music- Wire 105

 

"The Night" (mysterious gang);

-----Headed by ????-----

Territory- everywhere

Rides- [unknown]

Music- RC Game Radio

 

Aces;

-----Headed by some nerd-----

Territory- suburbs

Rides- bicycles

Music- Star Wars soundtrack

 

Fuzz (police);

-----Headed by Officer Jake-----

Territory- RCPD HQ

Rides- RCPD squad cars

Music- [none]

 

 

SPOILER:

 

This story is intended to explore life in the mid-70's before the GTA universe, as we know in the games, began.

 

Before the the Yakuza rose in power (GTA III), before the mafia wars(GTA:LCS), before the Grove and Ballas(GTA:SA), before the rise of druglords(GTA:VC & VCS), there was Rock City.

 

Rock City is to Detroit, as Liberty City is to New York City. Everything that has unraveled from the planned drug trade by Sonny Forelli to the explosive death of Catalina, everything is responsible or happened according to the events of RC. The coming of Cubans and Colombians and family ties between the Leones/Forellis/Sindaccos is not what I am talking about. Those events happen, but the rivals and betrayals are held responsible for RC.

 

You are Ivan Stone, who is a crazy man that starts his own "band of brothers". Friends that stay with him throughout life's journey. But the unfortunate occurance of his sister (and boyfriend's) death puts him and his father as suspects. With his father thrown in jail, Ivan must now resort to the only option he has....crime!

 

His friends and their friends join as a "gang" to fight the poverty-stricken and gang loitering Rock City and end this constant running, but face the underworld that has now risen and take over metropolises. In turn, turning them into the worst cities in America...

 

 

BTW:

Sorry I have so many prologues/introductions...I am editing my "final draft" and setting you off on the right start before I post, sorry for the inconvenience! blush.gif

Edited by TheJonesy
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Chapter 1: Act I

 

Classic Rock plays on the radio as I flew down the road in my beat up Bobcat that I worked so hard to perfect. It's 1975, and times at the my house are not that great. My mom is suffering health problems, but continues to smoke. My father is working two jobs to barely survive in poverty. I finally arrive home, it being midnight.

 

"Ma...you home?

 

"Ivan...IVAN!" whispers Ivan's dad, George.

 

"Oh, dad. Where she at?" I whisper back.

 

"She's buying some more cigarettes. I know, I know, she started again, but it's harder than you think."

 

"I know how hard it is, she just doesn't try hard enough. Oh yeah, you should too..."

 

"We got more problems to worry about..."

 

"Like what!" Ivan says arrogantly.

 

"Your sister ran away again with...whatever his name is..."

 

"I know what you are trying to say, father, so I'll go and take care of it." Ivan leaves, a little annoyed.

 

I ride into the smogged night, same as it always is. My sister is always into trouble, well ever since she was supposedly engaged with Zeke, her boy-friend. This is just as any other day, but of course, I always think that the glass is half-full. But the night is still young, so I vear out to see my group of friends. They stay up late, commiting crimes and loiter wherever they please. As I can tell, they are currently drunk...as usual.

 

"No he didn't...no!" says one of Steve's good friends.

 

"I am serious, Troy, he did that, exactly what I said!" argues Steve.

 

"You are saying that your bro' ramped your van doing that?" Troy argues back.

 

Steve and Troy are arguing over a stunt Steve's brother, Drake, did.

 

"Okay, okay...he did it," Troy exclaims.

 

"Wait, you're not being serious you..."

 

"Guys...shut up!" I interup. "Will you please stop arguing over some stunt."

 

"Some stunt?" After Drake had said this, secluded in the dark, everyone shut up. He was almost like a father to everyone, since most of the 20 guys there either didn't have one, his was in jail, or was never home. Except ol' lucky me.

 

"I am not trying to say anything, Drake, but I am just trying to end this fued."

 

"I understand, Mr. Stone..." replies Drake, as he takes one more puff of smoke, stomps on the cigarette, and leaves on Susie, his famous red-white-and blue chopper.

 

[screen fades]

 

PLEASE RESPOND: THOUGHTS?

Edited by TheJonesy
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saltinespike

Your writing style isn't that bad, but you don't really have a good story going. Can't really explain how to make it better, either, other than starting something else. So... yeah.

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Your writing style isn't that bad, but you don't really have a good story going. Can't really explain how to make it better, either, other than starting something else. So... yeah.

I'm just trying to set the scene, please give me some time... cryani.gif ...this is my first attempt. This is ONLY Act I of the first chapter...

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saltinespike

Well you make the guy seem innocent. In crime movies and GTA games, the character is never innocent, nor are they juvenile. His "gang" seems like a bunch of church boys that thinks smoking cigarettes is badass. I can't see this getting into good, heavy action.

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Well you make the guy seem innocent. In crime movies and GTA games, the character is never innocent, nor are they juvenile. His "gang" seems like a bunch of church boys that thinks smoking cigarettes are cool. I can't see this getting into good, heavy action.

I know you didn't see the spoiler, but that's your choice. They are not church boys, you gotta read into it, not just see the blank details. They're in a bad neighborhood, and bickering doesn't make them innocent! ...I can't really explain myself cause the story will tell you what's goin on. I'm in the process of act II, which will put things toward a different direction...

 

Just don't lock, just give me some time to set up the "scene"! confused.gif

Edited by TheJonesy
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It's OK, but it's a little bland. It doesn't seem to have much direction, as stated, and it's dialogue heavy - you're not painting a very good picture about what's going on. To do this, all you need to do is incorporate more description before rushing off into the dialogue! wink.gif

 

As for what you have written, now...

 

 

Rock City, the only city in America that doesn't give a damn.

 

Not a bad introduction. It's short and intriguing - leaving the reader interested in what's going to come next. Good job!

 

 

The only city that does nothing for no one, but can barely take care of itself. You have to live hear. You, Ivan Stone, have to survive yourself, nobody is going to take care of you, but only you.

 

Here, though, the writing trails off a little. The start is a little bit slang-ish - nothing for no-one - in perfect English, you're actually saying the wrong thing. 'Hear' should be 'here', while the last part is a little contrived - the last 'but only you' isn't really needed at the end - it makes enough sense without it. You're extending the sentence out a little longer than it really needs to be, which drags things on a bit.

 

 

Know everybody, trust nobody...keep your friends close, but keep your enemies CLOSER!

 

Too cliche.

 

 

You are Ivan Stone...a man of few words. He is the type of man that "needs no education." He's the one who wears the filthy, plaid button-up shirts and straight jeans. He has the worn-out shoes, feathered hair and the grungy 5 o' clock shadow.

 

Some decent description in there - not a bad way to introduce the protagonist.

 

 

He has no, and faces no, limits. Girls, although love him, would not spend time with him.

 

I understand the second part, although it's written badly - but the first part, I have no clue what you're going on about! tounge.gif

 

 

He lives near the tracks (train tracks)

 

(there's no need to add the extra bracketed information)

 

 

 

Onto Chapter 1 itself...

 

 

Dream On (by Aerosmith) plays on the radio

 

Not a good way to start. Song ... honestly, who cares? Are you trying to set the scene by making people thing of that song? If so - poor writing - set the scene through you're words, not through a song.

 

 

Ivan rides into the smogged night, same as it always is. Ivan's sister is always into trouble, well ever since she was "supposedly" engaged with Zeke. This is just as any other day, but of course, Ivan always thinks that the glass is half-full. But the night is still young, so he vears out to see his "gang."

 

There's some more description in there - not bad, it's a good paragraph to further the story. I especially like the whole 'glass half-full' but. I'm getting a little annoyed (tounge.gif) by the "constant" speech marks around certain "things" though. There's no need to emphasise these "words".

 

 

I'll leave it there, anyways. Again, as stated, the true main problem is a lack of direction. So far, everything that's happened has been truly irrelevant to pretty much everything - at the start of the story, you want to hook people in with an interesting opening - which this is lacking.

 

So, restart it, continue it, start a new one - it's up to you. Keep on writing and just remember not only to paint a picture with words, but make the picture you paint a sign that is heading somewhere. Better yet, a flashing neon sign that is blaring out an unmistakeable direction! tounge.gif

 

 

EDIT:

 

 

Just don't lock, just give me some time to set up!

 

Oh, don't worry about that. A topic will never get locked for nothing - especially if you're still working on what's inside!

 

And remember, don't get upset by anything that's said - we're all trying to help you improve your writing, which will enable us to enjoy it more! smile.gif

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Thanks Eminence, just what I needed. Now, do you want me to remake a whole new story, or just edit it...I'm thinking you mean edit. But I do see what you mean by no description...just nervous on how to start it. I just want people to be somewhat confused on how things start, but I'll describe the direction soon.

 

The song was only intended to describe the time period, not the story itself, OK? And the one part where you had no idea what's going on, sorry, nobody is a perfect writer their first time.

 

BTW:

 

... by making people thing of that song?

Do you mean "think not "thing"... sly.gif

 

 

 

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saltinespike

I did read the spoiler. The way you set the gang up in the first chapter made them seem innocent. C'mon, they were bragging about a stunt. You haven't hooked me on. All it sounds like right now is a poser gang that brags about living in the ghetto. I lived in a bad neighborhood for the first 8 years of my life. Just because I had it tough doesn't make me badass.

 

My suggestion would be to make the gang, um, more like a gang. I would be more intrigued if they were involved with real drugs, maybe some petty crime: breaking and entering, theft, possible one of the guys is a convicted murderer? That would do a great deal for the story.

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BTW:

 

... by making people thing of that song?

Do you mean "think not "thing"... sly.gif

Fairly obviously, yes. That's what we call a typo, and there's little need to correct it. wink.gif

 

As for what to do next - it's up to you - these are the decisions you have to make. Do you want to continue this? If not, your best bet would be to think of a new plot and start from scratch.

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Chapter 1: Act II

 

As Drake disappears into the night, I grew tired and I return to the dump I call home. It's funny, that the rich live just as any other middle-class family. And the poor in Rock City make homeless people of any other town happy they don't live here, even with a house. That's the truth about this town, but as long as I have a roof over my head and the almost-full health of my family, that's all that matters.

 

"Hey dad..." I tiredly exclaim.

 

"Where is she? Where is your sister?" yells George.

 

"Ah, she'll be okay."

 

"She lives in the heart of The Lot! You know how dangerous it is there!"

 

Ivan and George hop into his Bobcat and ride towards Emily's and her boy-friend's apartment. In this part of town, rats and mold are not even worth worrying about. Crime is on the rise and the streets are polluted almost as much as the housing. There is no privacy or safety, but Ivan doesn't care. Why should anyone if they have a gun with them!

 

Ivan, along with his father, get out of the truck, which is parked in the empty lot across the street from the Harry S. Apartment Complex. Pistol in hand, Ivan and his father approach the front.

 

"Daddy, Ivan..." Emily yells from the other end of the lot.

 

"Emily? Emily!" My father runs toward her and her boyfriend. "Emily, you look cold...and you're cut!"

 

"I am alright, just an accident..."Emily says softly.

 

Of course that doesn't stop my dad from getting his coat for her. As for me, I stayed behind. I curiously gazed around at the environment Emily had to live with. The thick, smoky air she had to breath. The molding walls around her and the many creatures that crawled in her room.

 

As my father searched for a coat for Emily, I gazed into her boyfriends eyes. They were full of fear, and he was shaking. At the time I didn't think anything of it.

 

I heard the sound of a roaring motor approach us from down the street. At first I didn't suspect anything, but when I saw my sister tremble, I knew something was wrong...

 

"Drive-by!" yelled Zeke as he threw Emily down and layed over her, for protection, which didn't really help. The passenger pulled out his gun and unloaded on us all from the other side of the car. My father was behind the truck attempting to shoot the passenger. As for Zeke, Emily and I, we were struck. I pulled out my pistol and kept shooting the driver door until I finally struck the driver, who crashed into a tree. The passenger ran out and I chased him.

 

I ran, or rather limped, 'til every muscle fiber I had are burning. I shot as many rounds as I could until my ammo went dead. It didn't matter if I was shot, even though I was already struck in the shoulder and scraped by a bullet in the leg. The passenger escaped, I didn't even know if he was shot. But I knew I had toc see how everyone else was.

 

I was several yards away from my father and Emily, but I didn't have to check their pulse to already know their condition. The expression on my fathers face gave it away...

Edited by TheJonesy
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I did read the spoiler. The way you set the gang up in the first chapter made them seem innocent. C'mon, they were bragging about a stunt. You haven't hooked me on. All it sounds like right now is a poser gang that brags about living in the ghetto. I lived in a bad neighborhood for the first 8 years of my life. Just because I had it tough doesn't make me badass.

 

My suggestion would be to make the gang, um, more like a gang. I would be more intrigued if they were involved with real drugs, maybe some petty crime: breaking and entering, theft, possible one of the guys is a convicted murderer? That would do a great deal for the story.

[sorry for all these posts]

 

Actually, Ivan's friends are not a gang, such as a Bloods-Crips kinda thing. They are just a bunch of friends that have bad lives, but they aren't exactly badass.

 

@Eminence, I had a typo as did you. No affence, just trying to return a favor. colgate.gif

 

..I am getting the idea that you don't like my story...I'm just learning. But just try to realize that all movies take a while to set up the movie. A lot of the times, things don't make sense until the end of the story. My description on some things are shaky, but bear with me... nervous.gif

Edited by TheJonesy
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It's funny, that the rich live just as any other middle-class family.

 

If it is the narrator speaking, you don't want to directly say an opinion to the reader, such as "it's funny" - instead you should say "Ivan found it funny", for example.

 

 

That's the truth about this town, but as long as I have a roof over my head and the almost-full health of my family, that's all that matters.

 

You've switched the person of the narrative here. So far, the story is being told in third person - Ivan is a character. Here, however, you've switched it to first person, as though Ivan is the narrator - you don't want to be switching the narrative like this.

 

 

Of course that doesn't stop my dad from getting his coat for her. As for me, I stayed behind. I curiously gazed around at the environment Emily had to live with. The thick, smoky air she had to breath. The molding walls around her and the many creatures that crawled in her room.

 

As my father searched for a coat for Emily, I gazed into her boyfriends eyes. They were full of fear, and he was shaking. At the time I didn't think anything of it.

 

Again - you've done the same here, narrating the story as though it's being told through the eyes of Ivan. Why the sudden change? It's started to confuse me as to whether there actually is another character telling the story and Ivan is simply a third person character - so it made me go back and read again. You're making it very confusing to read.

 

Having read the rest at this point - I now realise you've continued right to the end by telling it in the first person. Watch out for changing like this - it completely ruins the story.

 

 

[screech]

 

[/endofcomicbookstylequotes]

 

Come on - you can't use that as description! confused.gif

 

There's a little bit of description towards the end, but again, it's not too in-depth. Try to describe everything in a little more detail, especially in an action sequence such as that.

 

As well as this, there was a problem with the characters - Emily's boyfriend, Zeke, is attributed as such after speaking - although before that point you haven't introduced his name to the reader. Therefore, I started wondering who the hell Zeke was - it was only when I referred back to the character introductions above that I realised you were talking about her boyfriend. It doesn't matter if you have a 'cast list' - you still need to introduce these characters through the story.

 

 

Yeah, so ... I'm not really sure what to say about this chapter. You've taken a step backwards by committing such a fundamental mistake, and that's my main concern with this chapter.

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Yeah, so ... I'm not really sure what to say about this chapter. You've taken a step backwards by committing such a fundamental mistake, and that's my main concern with this chapter.

Huh? The whole point of this chapter was to leave people not knowing what was going on...

 

You shouldn't accuse me of anything about the story if you don't know my direction. Things will mellow out...

 

And btw, the whole story IS told through first-person. When I said this...

 

As Drake disappears into the night, Ivan grows tired and returns to the dump he calls home.

I accidently put "Ivan" instead of "I". I'll edit!

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Huh? The whole point of this chapter was to leave people not knowing what was going on...

 

Well then, you failed. I completely understood what was going on - the mistake you made was changing the narrative style.

 

 

And btw, the whole story IS told through first-person. When I said this...

 

As Drake disappears into the night, Ivan grows tired and returns to the dump he calls home.

 

I accidently put "Ivan" instead of "I". I'll edit!

 

I'm sorry - I hate to tell you how you've been writing your story, but no, you haven't. Go read chapter 1 again. It's told in third-person, there's not one mention of an incident in first-person. Ergo, you messed up with chapter 2.

 

Proof, as told in chapter 1, highlighted in bold, and underlined for your help:

 

 

Classic Rock plays on the radio as Ivan flies down the road in his beat up Bobcat that he works so hard to perfect. It's 1975, and times at the Stone house are not that great. His mom is suffering health problems, but continues to smoke. His father is working two jobs to barely survive in poverty. He finally arrives at his home, it being midnight.

 

 

Ivan rides into the smogged night, same as it always is. Ivan's sister is always into trouble, well ever since she was supposedly engaged with Zeke. This is just as any other day, but of course, Ivan always thinks that the glass is half-full. But the night is still young, so he vears out to see his group of friends. They stay up late, commiting crimes and loiter wherever they please. As Ivan can tell, they are currently drunk...as usual.

 

Sorry to be so terribly blunt, but I explained it nicely the first time. I'm a little insulted that after doing so, you claim I'm wrong. confused.gif

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blush.gif ...sorry, I forgot to refer to Act I, I thought you were just talking about Act II, I am sooooo sorry Eminence.

 

See, you say that this act wasn't detailed enough. That is what I mean by people being confused in the act. I'm trying to defend myself so no one locks this story just because people are getting the wrong idea. I make mistakes, you make mistakes, everybody does. nervous.gif

 

Why do you keep saying Chapter 2, I'm still in Chapter 1 FYI... smile.gif

Edited by TheJonesy
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Quit yer worrying, the topic won't get locked.

 

 

Unless you request it.

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Quit yer worrying, the topic won't get locked.

 

 

Unless you request it.

I'm just worrying because I AM a good writer (in general, not including this story). I have always recieved A's on stories I suddenly make up. It just depresses me when I am critized on mistakes, since I am so used to spell check, LOL! It worries me that maybe I am NOT as great of a writer as I thought...

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I'll be a little harsh - you may not be. In fact, you probably aren't. From what I've read, your writing leaves a lot to be desired - there's a huge amount of room for improvement. But don't get discouraged - you will be able to improve, and if you listen to a lot of the pointers people give you here, your general style will become better in no time! smile.gif

 

If you're not happy with this story - don't be afraid to bin it and start afresh. For the next one, take into account what people are saying, and try your best to come up with a good start.

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That's why I said "not including this story"...

 

And there's a lot to be desired because the story has just begun, because most of the stories I right goes directly into the plot. For this one, it takes a while until it is clear. That's what I'm been trying to say... dontgetit.gif

 

In SA, for example, the whole point of the storyline didn't start awhile after the game started! And quit a few missions occured before Vice City went into it's plot...see what I'm saying. I would be abliged to take advice, but just let me tell the story for now. colgate.gif

Edited by TheJonesy
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No, I'm not saying that.

 

I'm not talking about the plot of the story, or the events - they are separate. I'm talking about the actual quality of writing - it's not all that good. But, it can be improved.

 

I know what you're saying, but trust me, I know what I'm saying, too.

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saltinespike

Not trying to be harsh, but there are plenty of ways you could have made it better. For example, the suggestion I gave you. Or have an exciting scene in the beginning, like a fist fight! I would suggest starting over, but that's your choice.

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No, I'm not saying that.

 

I'm not talking about the plot of the story, or the events - they are separate. I'm talking about the actual quality of writing - it's not all that good. But, it can be improved.

 

I know what you're saying, but trust me, I know what I'm saying, too.

I greatly respect you! You actually know what you are talking about. I does make me feel better when you say my ideas are OK. So the quality needs improved, okay...

 

1) Need more description on characters, setting, environment in the right places

 

2) Watch narration [i'll keep it to first-person]

 

3) End small, unneeded things *[screech]

 

The above is what I need to improve, correct?

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Indeed.

 

I'm glad that you're finally starting to understand. tounge.gif

 

Now, it's easy enough listing those things out on paper - now you need to try and implement them in a narrative situation. One piece of advice I would give is to proofread it before posting - make sure it truly does flow well and sound interesting, not just in your head, but to anyone preparing to read it.

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saltinespike

Mostly, possibly more climactic/interesting story. Heh, sorry. Post another that you were talking about, to get a broader idea of your writing.

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Indeed.

 

I'm glad that you're finally starting to understand. tounge.gif

 

Now, it's easy enough listing those things out on paper - now you need to try and implement them in a narrative situation. One piece of advice I would give is to proofread it before posting - make sure it truly does flow well and sound interesting, not just in your head, but to anyone preparing to read it.

And again...

 

Sorry!

 

I'll make the needed changes and continue fresh, if you guys want me to stop, it's fine, just tell me...be honest!

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Mostly, possibly more climactic/interesting story. Heh, sorry. Post another that you were talking about, to get a broader idea of your writing.

Create a new story?

 

If yes, the same one or different?

 

[sorry for double-post]

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