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Rest In Peace dear Salvatore


JonnyB

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This story pictures the events that happened since Salvatore caught a bullet, I mean bullets. His son Joseph was also shot during the assassination, but is he only collateral or was he the main target all along. There is a huge gap to fill now and there is a big conflict of interest among mobsters and other Family members. Everyone calls in their favors and everybody wants to get their hands on more money and influence. Bloody power plays and clashes are very common in this unstable times. The final outcome of the bloodbath is the least expected one, since thing get out of hand. Is Joey going to lead the Family after the death of his father, or is someone entirely new to the picture going to come in the view and score the jackpot? This are the questions many people are asking themselves.

 

NOTE: This article is purely fiction and represents only the authors view. It also contains scenes of violence, brutality and death. It's not advised read for people younger than 15. LOL

 

What do you think? Shall I continue or not?

Edited by JonnyB
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Yes, you should continue. You should always continue! wink.gif

 

However, continue with these pointers in mind:

 

 

This story pictures the events that happened since Salvatore caught a bullet, ups I mean bullets.

 

Firstly, its 'oops', not 'ups'. However, in a narrative, this is the last thing you want to say - it seems childish and there's no need to include it. Instead, just say since Salvatore caught a bullet, or bullets as you say. You don't need to mention both.

 

 

is he only a collateral

 

Someone isn't "a" collateral - it would make more sense to just say "is he collateral".

 

 

are very common in this unstable times.

 

It should be: in "these" unstable times. wink.gif

 

 

Although there are several possible outcomes of the situation the least expected prevails. Is Joey going to lead the Family

 

This doesn't really make sense. You've made a statement - although this could happen, this will happen. So you've already stated what will happen - the least expected will prevail. However, then you ask a question - is this going to happen or is this. You just told us - so it's contradictive.

 

 

Not bad so far though, I like this bit:

 

 

Everyone calls in their favors and everybody wants to get their hands on more money and influence. Bloody power plays and clashes are very common

 

Good job. Continue! smile.gif

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Coral_City
This story pictures the events that happened since Salvatore caught a bullet, ups I mean bullets. His son Joseph was also shot during the assassination, but is he only a collateral or was he the main target all along. There is a huge gap to fill now and there is a big conflict of interest among mobsters and other Family members. Everyone calls in their favors and everybody wants to get their hands on more money and influence. Bloody power plays and clashes are very common in this unstable times. Although there are several possible outcomes of the situation the least expected prevails. Is Joey going to lead the Family after the death of his father, or is someone entirely new to the picture going to come in the view and score the jackpot?

 

NOTE: This article is purely fiction and represents only the authors view. It also contains scenes of violence, brutality and death. It's not advised read for people younger than 15. LOL

 

What do you think? Shall I continue or not?

By the looks of your title - Joey's gonna take over and Toni's gonna take over the Irish Mob. Sounds familiar. confused.gif

 

Though, there were minor spelling errors. I think...you should post the first chapter. I just wish people would do that before asking: Should I continue - 'cause you really can't tell through a prolouge.

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Though, there were minor spelling errors. I think...you should post the first chapter. I just wish people would do that before asking: Should I continue - 'cause you really can't tell through a prolouge.

Very true. It's hard to judge off such a small thing, so people's reaction is always going to be to continue - to show us more of the story so that we can better judge it. tounge.gif

 

Still, unless it's rediculously horrible, the answer will still always be continue. That's how you improve, to just stick at it.

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well, English is not my native tongue and it is not yet perfect, but I'm working on improving it. so please excuse me if I miss spell something.

 

By the looks of your title - Joey's gonna take over and Toni's gonna take over the Irish Mob. Sounds familiar

 

You're just going to have to wait and read the story, if you want to know how things end. It comes to an unexpected turn in the story, that's all I'm going to say.

 

Hey Eminence, do you have a PhD in literature? It seem you really know a lot about writing. And thanks for corrections and recommendations. I'll post the first chapter I about 8 hours or so.

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Well, I'd have to say I'm very impressed. I couldn't imagine learning a foreign language competently enough to speak it, let alone write a story in it. So good job, it's not bad. I look forward to seeing what else you can come up with! smile.gif

 

And no, I don't, haha. It's flattering that you think so, though! tounge.gif

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here i changed the synopsis. is this better?

 

oh I've been only learning English for the last 2 and half years. before that everything I said was hi, my name is....nice to meet you. well not exactly but close.

Edited by JonnyB
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Yeah, it's a little better. Not perfect, but what is anyway? tounge.gif

 

I wouldn't worry about that now though, put it behind you and get cracking on chapter 1 - let's see what you can do. wink.gif

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ok guys here's my first chapter. sorry it took so long. hope you enjoy it.

 

Chapter 1: Sayonara Salvatore

 

The Leone Mansion, St.Marks, Liberty City

 

8:00 PM

 

Toni Cipriani is standing before a mirror in his bedroom and is getting dressed. He's

 

been having some trouble with the knot on his tie therefore he chose a clip instead.

 

It is a big day today. It is a contract day. First he and his business associates are

 

going to do business and then he is going over to Luigi's Sex club Seven, and

 

celebrate job well done. He is wearing a black shirt,and a formal double breasted

 

vest, with black leather shoes. He combs his black hair carefully. Everything has to

 

be perfect tonight. Someone knocks on the door.

"Come in"

 

"Hey Toni. You ready?"

 

"Ready as I'll ever be." answered don Cipriani.

 

"You know, this sh*t tonight is important. It's important that Family is running

 

legit business. Makes it easier to evade taxes and cover illegal income."

 

"I know, I know. I guess this is unique situation. Never did much legal business in

 

my whole life. Of course I am a legit businessman, there are just this guys I

 

know that are connected."

 

Both mobster shrug a little.

 

"Hehehe. Come on Toni, just get this over with so we can get down to real business."

 

There were two man seated in Gentleman' s Club. They rise as the new Don Ciprinai enters, followed by his second in command, his consiglere Joseph Leone. Both

 

accountants are anxious, this new don shake the whole city to it's foundation.

 

Everyone, from mayor himself and his office to every single police officer on the

 

street, are in his pocket, if not for money out of concern for their loved ones.

 

Rumor on the street is that after Toni Cipriani took over the Leone family he

 

invited the mayor to his inherited mansion and asked him if he is willing to join the

 

Family. When mayor refused and was about to leave the mansion he got a call form his

 

wife, telling him that their son never returned from school. And ever since that

 

moment on Toni Cipriani always got what he wanted, and if he needed to shed some

 

blood he wouldn't think twice.

 

"Ok boys. I hope you've got all the papers with you cuz' I'm a very busy man and

 

there is some business I have to attend to tonight." begins Toni.

 

"Yes Mr.Ciprinai, everything is here. And I promise we won't take much of your time"

 

starts the younger man.

 

"This contract here...." opens his suitcase and hands Toni a whole pile of paper

 

"says that on behalf of your newly acquired company Leone Industries, a new majority

 

share holder of Bitch'n dog food if I may add, you become an equal partner in a

 

company called ABC exports."

 

"Arh...?!"

 

"This contract here" picks up another pile of papers "is basically about a construction

 

of a new football stadium here in Liberty city. You and several partners are

 

obligated to ensure..."

 

"Uhm, where do I sign?" asks Toni from high above. He was seated his his big leather

 

chair drinking scotch from a massive glass with pearls engraved in it. When contracts

 

were signed and the two accountants left it was time to get down to the real

 

business.

 

"Joey, where the f*ck are those assholes?"

 

"I dunno Toni. Should be here fifteen f*cking minutes ago."

 

"Boss, they're here" said a bodyguard.

 

"It was about time." said Joey.

 

Two mobsters enter. One young, muscular and the oder in his fifties, fat and bald.

 

Both of them were wearing a completely yet-black suit and a red tie. It sort of became

 

a mandatory uniform in the Leone family since the new leadership was established.

 

They both kneel and greet the don by kissing his hand.

 

"Where the f*ck were you pricks?" asks Toni from his leather chair. Still holding his

 

half-empty glass in his hand.

 

"We're sorry boss. We were with Paulie." starts the younger one.

 

"And we were stuck in a f*cking traffic jam on the way over." adds the older one

 

while adjusting his perfectly tied tie.

 

"It was a rhetorical question you idiots. Like I care whose cock you were sucking

 

before you got here."

 

"We're sorry boss."

 

"It won't happen again."

 

"I said SHUT UP!!! Listen for a second!"

 

The two mobsters barely dared to breathe.

 

"You see, I've got the Yakuza breathing down my neck. Plus some Irish f*cks connected

 

to the f*cking Irish Republican Army made alliance with other Families and they're

 

all moving to Liberty. Now what am I gonna do about it? I'm gonna hit them and I am

 

gonna hit them so hard and so fast they won't even know what happened."

 

"Yeah boss. Good plan." interrupted the younger mobster

 

"You're damm right it's a good plan you stupid f*ck!!!! Why aren't you QUIETTTT?!!!"

 

yelled Toni "Say another word and you're dead." Toni was now polishing his silver

 

Browning Buck Mark Plus pistol.

 

"Go to the the Stauton tower and wire the join. That Jap f*cks built themselves a

 

nice little headquarters out of the sh*t that used to be a construction site for

 

years. Then find a Shusi Mama restaurant and torch that too. Take some of the new

 

boys. You two sh*theads got that?"

 

The two mobster just nod in reply and leave as quickly as possible.

 

 

6 YEARS AGO:

 

Callahan Bridge, Liberty City

 

8:45 PM

 

A customized Senteniel XS was speeding over the bridge. The driver staying unseen

 

behind darkened windows of the car. He was given a job. A hit. He was supposed to kill

 

his former employer who got paranoid and sold him out. After all the jobs and

 

everything he did for him. For the Family. On the backseat was a modified M4 assault

 

rifle and in the trunk he had a costume sniper rifle. One he customized himself.

 

Before him he could see the outskirts of Portland, the town where his story began. He

 

arrived in Chinatown where he was forced to drive slowly through all the mess that

 

surrounded the nearby fish market. There were people running across the street, cars

 

were parked on the road and occasionally a fish came flew by your head. The car in

 

front of him was a black Rumpo and it was driving very odd, too slow even for

 

Chinatown. The driver sensed something is wrong, very wrong. Instincts told him to

 

make a u turn and speed away but he was curious. Who were these people? What do they

 

want with him? He never betrayed them so why do they want him dead? And most

 

important, did they find out about the hit? All this questions were answered when the

 

Rumpo stopped in front of a Chinese restaurant. Back door opened and 7 gunmen, armed

 

with MP5k and balaclavas jumped out. Two immediately separated from the group and ran

 

to the back of the restaurant. The rest of the group opened fire on the restaurant,

 

bullets smashed through the windows and were tearing apart the counter and the liquor

 

bar. Fortunately the restaurant closed half hour ago and there was no one inside. When

 

gunmen ran out of ammo they quickly reloaded and fired another barrage of bullets

 

into the mess that used to be a fine Chinese restaurant. Another man with balaclava

 

jumped out of the passenger's seat holding a molotov cocktail. These men weren't

 

kidding around. They were going to torch the place. When the molotov was thrown it

 

felt like an eternity before it hit the ground in the restaurant pouring over

 

whatever was in the way and erupted in flames. Two more molotovs were thrown and

 

there was an explosion in the back of the restaurant. The two men the separated from

 

the group were now racing back to the van when they reached it they jumped inside

 

closed the door and the wan sped away. Everything had transpired in less the 3

 

minutes. War between the Leone's and Triads was at it's peek. People that ran off in

 

panic were now coming back to the violent seen and police sirens were heared in the

 

distance. Relieved, the thug drove away from the crime seen.

 

Sex club Seven, Red Light District, Liberty City

 

9:15 PM

 

A Leone limousine accompanied by two Leone Senteniels full of bodyguards stops in

 

front of the club. Six bodyguards exit to secure the perimeter and then Joseph and

 

Sal got out of the limo. It was that moment that automatic fire erupted. First it hit

 

Joey in the right shoulder and he was later hit several more times. By the time he

 

was on the ground Sal's body looked like cheese. The old man was shot at least 10

 

times in the chest and a few more times counting wounds in his arms and legs. He was

 

just lying there on the ground motionless, his eyes got that glass look and he was

 

bleeding from the gunshot wounds. The scene wasn't pleasent, there was blood and

 

tissue everywhere. The shooting originated from a Leone car parked about 50 yards down

 

the road. Bodyguards immediately returned fire only to hit several pedestrians fleeing

 

from the shootout. Poor, innocent people got their brains blown out all over the

 

gravel and nearby buildings for nothing. The only thing they did was being in the

 

wrong place at the wrong time. But the car, driven by the assassing was long gone,

 

never to be seen again.

 

"sh*t, they've been shot, get them to a hospital. Oh f*ck. Don's been killed. He's

 

dead. Someone shot the don!"

 

"How's Joey? How's he doing?" Call an ambulance!!!"

 

"He's breathing. He's alive. Joey is alive."

 

"f*ck, cover the body for Christ's sake!"

 

"Help me get Joey inside! Where the f*ck is that ambulance??!!"

 

"Call Luigi!"

 

"Joey, can you hear me? Wake up you son of a bitch. Don't die on me man. WAKE THE

 

f*ck UP!!!"

 

"Who did this?"

 

"Where is the damm ambulance?"

 

"Over here. Over here. He's right this way! Come quick! Go go go. He's been shot!"

 

Joey is rushed in the ambulance along with a Leone body gurad that was havely armed

 

now and driven off to the hospital followed by a Leone car, and another car waiting

 

in front of the hospital. But when the police came to the seen the body of Salvatore

 

has already been removed.

 

 

Sex club Seven, Red Light District, Liberty City

 

9:15 PM

 

A Leone car driven by the thug parks about a 100 yards from the strip club. The thug

 

carefully assembled his semi-automatic sniper rifle. He adjusted the scope and started

 

to put in bullets one by one. He was long done with all preparations and now he was

 

only sitting in the back seat listening to Head radio, when a limousine stopped in

 

front of the club. He slowly rolled down the backseat window and aimed. He had

 

Salvatore's head in cross hairs, he exhaled and was about to pull the trigger when a

 

burst of well aimed automatic fire cut the don down. Cloude could not believe what

 

happened. Someone just assassinated Don Leone and his son. How could that be? He was

 

a little in shock and the assassination did take him by surprise but he new there was

 

no thing he could do about it now. He disassembled the sniper rifle jumped into the

 

driver's seat and took off.

 

The Leone mansion, St.Marks, Liberty City

 

11:30 PM

 

It was more than two hours after the don's death, Joseph Leone was still in surgery

 

and others were very confused about what happened. Clashes already erupted between

 

Capos and their Soldatos and the whole state of the Leone Family was very chaotic.

 

There was just one man who could pull the Family together. A meet of caporegimes and

 

other high ranking mobster was called and it was about to take place in the Sal's

 

Gentleman's Club.

 

Three Senteniels XS stopped in front of Ma's restaurant and about ten bodyguards

 

spread out to secure the perimeter. They took their jobs very seriously, holding

 

their submachine guns at ready. The streets of St.Marks were very quiet at this time,

 

but today after the assassination there was not even a soul out there. Toni Cipriani

 

came walking out the house. He was talking on his cell phone with a smile on his

 

face, like nothing happened. Naturally he was a very confident man but the confidence

 

that was seen in him today was outrageous.

"Good. Be safe" said in the phone and then listened for a second or two.

 

"Yes I will take care of that myself."

 

"Of course! I assure you, everything is going according the plan!"

 

"Good bye!"

 

The back of his Senteniel was completely sound proof so he could make the important

 

calls in complete privacy while in the car.

 

"Was it them?" asked another man next to him. He's name was Paul "Paulie" Gatto, one

 

of Toni's most trused and loyal caporegimes.

 

"Yeah. They say hi from Carcer City!" answered Toni.

 

"I have to admit Toni. I was a little afraid to do this f*cking job. Never ends well"

 

continued Paulie.

 

"O f*ck Paulie. We've been over this. Don't be a f*cking pussy. If you want something

 

you've got the step up and take it cuz' no one is going to give it to you."

 

"f*ck we're here."

They stopped at the entrance and two heavy armed Soldatos look inside the car to make

 

sure who was inside. When they recognize they're not a threat one of them waves his

 

hand to another Soldato to move the 5 tone truck blocking the road ahead. Everything

 

was done very professional and discreet. The Leone mansion is very alive, Soldatos

 

were everywhere showing of their M4 and SPAS 12 shotguns. The security is taken well

 

care of. Searchlights were even directed at the beach where several people were

 

standing guard, keeping their weapons at ready. No one on the premises could sneeze without the guards noticing.

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Not bad. There's some good description, so I'm impressed. smile.gif

 

What's with the line spacing though? It seems a little odd ... how did you type it up?

 

Anyways, one of the problems I noticed was to do with tenses. For most of the story, it's being told in the present tense (with the exception of the flashback to 6 years ago, of course) - but there's a few little errors. For example:

 

 

"Ready as I'll ever be." answered don Cipriani.

 

Should be answers Don Cipriani.

 

 

"Yeah boss. Good plan." interrupted the younger mobster

 

Should be interrupts the younger mobster.

 

... you know, just a few little things like that. Overall though, it's not looking bad, so keep it up! smile.gif

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Thanks man. Means a lot that you like it.

 

My bad. I was very careful about the tenses but I guess a few past tenses slipped through.

 

Yeah I noticed the line spacing is odd. Anyway it's not the way I typed it, it occured when I posted it. So I'll try to correct it next time.

 

I'm working on the new chapter and since I past a very important exam today, I hope I'll have it ready in a few days.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Here's the next chapter. I made it shorter but since the previous one was big I hope you won't mind (if anyone reads and cares).

 

_________________________________

 

Chapter 2: Meet James "Jimmy" Sullivan

 

Black Diamond Casino, The Strip, Carcer City

 

11:40 PM

 

A tall man was standing in a luxorious hotel suite overlooking the Strip and numerous

 

casinos, hotels and expensive jewlery stores. Standing at 6 feet and dressed in white

 

trouseres, white T-shirt and jacket with a silver chain hanging from his neck and

 

several rings on every hand the man looks very casual. But everything on him has it's

 

importance, his clothes are carefuly tailored to conceal a Walther P99 9mm pistol the

 

man is carrying. His name is James "Jimmy" Sullivan he is 35 years old and he is one

 

of the 3 owners that own Black Diamond Casino. He is also know for his stainless

 

katana sword with white handle and silver ornaments. He has a fundamental objection

 

on handling bussines lightly and when he feels the business is taken lightly he takes

 

care of it with the katana sword. He is a man of great temper. Most furniture in his

 

room is white, the rug in his suite is white, the leather sofas is white but there is

 

also a great deal of black things, such as a TV table for his 50 inch plasma TV, to

 

make a contrast. James Sullivan is a made man. Entering the scene of crime in Carcer

 

city out of nowhere, he basically poped out of the thin air and took over a few

 

prostitution rings and established a drug dealing operation. This made him a lot of

 

money, but with money came enemies. Strangely very few of this enemies are still

 

alive, most of them just disappeared into thin air. But the worst of his enemies is

 

still out there live and kicking and that troubles James very much. The man he wants

 

dead the most is the leader of the local syndicate, with heavy connections in Jearsy

 

and with Dons back in Sicily. His name is Mario. Mario Cipriani, Toni's own brother.

 

James isn't alone in his suite. There is a much older man with him. A very dangerous

 

man, who was feared by both his enemies and his friends. After James hung up the

 

phone he looked outside letting his thoughts free. But that moment is soon interrupted

 

by the second man.

 

"What he say?"

 

"Everything is fine Frank!"

 

"Fine?!! That's what he said? Is he f*cking kidding?"

 

"I wouldn't know that, you've got to ask him Frank."

 

"Are you giving me attitude son?" asked man known as Frank

 

"What could he say? Think about it. Two hours barley passed since he whacked

 

Salvatore and his son. There's not much he can say at this point."

 

Frank knows the kid is right and instead of arguing with him he calls over to one of

 

his boys outside to bring in the whores. A tall blond enters and lies down next to

 

Frank. She is about 5ft.9 with long blond hair and blue eyes. Her boobs are big, but

 

not to big, and her ass is nice and round.

 

"What's up gorgeous? Were you a naughty girl?"

 

"You bet honey. What do you have here for me?" replies the prostitute and starts

 

unbuttoning his pants.

 

"Oh for God's sake Frank. f*ck that slut elsewhere not on my sofa."

 

"f*ck you bitch, I'm no slut" yells back the prostitute.

 

"No one asked you anything sweetheart" interrupts Frank

 

"Come on, let's go to my room. It's much nicer and I have a jacuzzi there."

 

The two left the room. When they were gone James took a Palm pilot. He

 

controls everything in his room with it, and he can also interface with casinos

 

computers if needed. He locked the door,and started scrolling down the list of many

 

songs he had on his computer he chose Metallica - Fade To Black closed his Palm and

 

put it on a glass coffe table in front of the sofa. He removed his pistol and put it

 

next to the Palm pilot, than took of his jacket and his shirt, revealing a perfectly

 

chiseled body. A few hours of sleep and a hot shower was all he could think of right

 

now. After all he has a big day ahead of him self, a lot of careful planing. He lies

 

down on the sofa, makes himself comfortable and falls asleep.

 

Bellagio Hotel & Casion, The Strip, Carcer City

 

Sergio Fertita is sitting in a VIP lounge of Bellagio Casino talking with three of

 

his underlings. The Bellagio is owned by Fertita and his organization through some

 

shell companies. Fertita is in his late 60's, his gray hair, or what it's left of

 

them are pulled back in a ponytail, he also has mustaches, his skin is tan, his

 

clothes expensive. He is currently wearing a black Armani T-shirt and black pants.

 

His only wish is to kill James Sullivan, that Irish prick who thinks he can do

 

whatever he wants just because he's got connection with IRA.

 

"Did you take care of the thing I told you about?" he calmly asks one of his

 

subordinates.

 

"I did." says a man named Vinnie. Vinni Bastilia is Sergio's muscle. Whenever

 

something dirty needed to be done he had to do it.

 

"When is it gonna be?" continues Sergio.

 

"Whenever you want, boss. My guy is waiting your final order."

 

"How much did you use?" Sergio keeps asking. "You certain it's good?"

 

"Good?! Haha. With 50 pounds of Semtex you can blow up a whole building."

 

"Did I ask you if you can blow up a building? Did I? You're a f*cking moron you know

 

that."

 

"It's good boss. You can count on it."

 

"For you own good you better hope this works. The prick needs to die ASAP!!!!"

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Decent effort -- but certain tense switchings & spelling errors hindered flow. And I was a bit weirded out by some description:

 

Her boobs are big, but not to big, and her ass is nice and round.

There's some informality here, "but not to big", but the overall description just seemed very strange to me.

 

Another issue:

He locked the door,and started scrolling down the list of many songs he had on his computer he chose Metallica - Fade To Black closed his Palm and put it on a glass coffe table in front of the sofa.

You shouldn't necessarily write "Metallica - Fade to Black" - because it once again creates an informal kind of speech.

 

Like I wrote - decent effort. Watch out for spelling errors, tense switchings and improve on description. Dialouge on the other hand was ... alright; it was shining in comparison to the description.

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yeah, I rushed this chapter and I only read it once so if some tenses slipped through I apologize. Oh and sorry about the strange description I thought I removed it.

 

However, this chapter basically gives you some background and three very important characters. So it was kinda short but nevertheless important. I'll work on the new chapter and try to post is soon, but until then give me some more opinions not just one.

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