Love & Vengeance

[WWE_vs_TNA]

Love & Vengeance

 

 

Summary:: Oscar Gutierrez, adopted son of a Yakuza Waka-Gashira, was sent to a Hong Kong prison, after taking the fall for his adopted father and brother's murderous actions against the local Triads and other street gangs. While his family fled to the United States. Gutierrez was left behind to take blame for his families' crimes. After learning the death of his younger, adopted brother. Gutierrez took action, and broke out of prison to say his final farewells to his beloved younger sibling. Now, he has traveled to the United States and has ended up in the most dangerous city of them all.... Liberty City. Now, in an unfamiliar and dangerous place. Oscar must find out who murdered his adopted brother, and find out the true reason of his imprisonment. Along the way, he will find out more about his past as he unravels the biggest puzzle of all... Himself

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hong Kong Police Precinct; 3:14 a.m.

 

 

Two Hong Kong Precinct guards are taking a new prisoner to his cell. The prisoner appears to be Hispanic, as the other convicts looks and scowls at him. They reach an empty cell. One of the guards unlocks the cell door and the other guard throws the prisoner in. They close the cell door and locks it up.

 

“Maybe a stay here in this cell will make you open your damn mouth.”, said one of the guards.

 

The prisoner just walks towards his cell bed and takes a seat on it.

 

“You are a sorry excuse for a Yakuza Waka-Gashira, “ese”. Once your execution begins, you’ll be getting what you truly deserve, and uh… say hello to Satan for me ok. You Cuban prick!”, yelled the other guard.

 

They walk away from the cell door and down the hallway.

 

“Why am I the only one that has to go through this $hit? Why me?!”, asked the prisoner to himself. “They just left me here to fend for myself, while they live the good life in the United States. They said they would come back to get me, but it has already been a month since I turned myself in for them. I will wait no longer. I will make sure of that!”

 

The prisoner then throws a pebble at the wall as he lies down on the bed and slowly goes to sleep. Oscar is now seen walking along a very long road. He looks at the horizon only to see a bright light at the end of the road.

 

“What the hell is that?”, asked a bewildered Gutierrez.

 

He begins to run down the road, as he gets closer and closer to the light at the end. Once he reaches the light. He starts to fall down a deep cavern, and lands hard on the surface. He sees his adopted father and brother getting on an air craft.

 

“W-Wait for me!”

 

The aircraft then starts to take off and flies away as Oscar stops in the middle of his tracks. He then hears gunshots. He then suddenly gets up and sees he is back in his prison cell. He takes a look at the cell door.

 

“I-IT was just a dream?! I really need to get the f*ck outta here quick.”

A prison guard then approaches the cell door.

 

“The time has come, Cuban.”, spoke the guard.

 

“Whatever the hell you say @$$hole. I’m ready.”, spoke a seemingly determined Gutierrez.

 

“Excited to die eh? I really admire your attitude Gutierrez. I’ll remember that when I see die a slow and very painful death.”, said a very pleased guard.

 

The guard then unlocks the cell door and starts walking towards Gutierrez, but before he could grab Gutierrez. Oscar grabbed and twisted the guard’s arm that the keys to the door fell out of his hand. Oscar grabs the keys and begins beating the guard down to the ground to the point of death. Oscar then uses the guard’s handcuffs to handcuff the guard to a pipe on the wall.

 

“That should do the trick.”

 

Just then, more guards came running in the hallway to check out what’s taking so long.

 

“I think his cell is here.”, said one of the guards.

 

Three guards came looking in the cell to see the dead guard’s body, stripped of his guard uniform and hand cuffed to a pipe.

 

“What the hell?! Where’s Gutierrez?!”

 

Just then the cell door closed behind them. The guards tried to open it, but to no avail as it was locked. One of them attempted to use their keys, but before they can unlock it. Oscar jumps down from the top of the cell ceiling and landed on top of the three guards. He then ensues on handcuffing them to the same pipe on the wall. He takes their pistols and unlocks the cell door. He exit’s the cell and locks it up as the guards calls out for help.

 

“Oscar Gutierrez will not die today. If I am to die, I will do it with the most honor in battle. I will not give up without a damn f*ckin’ fight!”, yelled Gutierrez to himself.

 

Oscar walks down the hallway full of imprisoned convicts and sees a flight of stairs going up.

 

“Looks like this might be my ticket outta here.”

 

Oscar sprints up the stairs and heads out through a door. He then sees he’s in a part of the Hong Kong Police Department. Officers are crowding the place armed with their nightsticks and pistols.

 

“I better keep it cool if I wanna get the hell outta here.”

 

Oscar then proceeds to walk through the crowd of officers. Along the way, he sees criminals being escorted to the cells by officers.

 

“Good day officer.”, says a nervous Oscar.

 

“You too sir.”, replies the officer.

 

Oscar then makes his way to the front lobby and sees the exit. He goes through the front doors to his freedom. He reaches to the outside and sees the perilous streets of Hong Kong. He tries to find a car to escape in, but can’t find the right one. He then goes down to the underground parking garage to find one there.

 

“Wow, these cops have some really sweet cars ese. I just need to find one that suits my kind of style.”

 

Oscar sees a red Infernus and goes up to it, but the owner who looks like a detective goes up to it.

 

“What the hell you lookin’ at?!”, asked the detective.

 

“That fine car of yours holms. Really pimp if I say so myself. I hope you don’t mind, but I need to borrow your car.”

 

Gutierrez the takes out his pistol and shoots the detective point blank in the tempo. Oscar then takes the keys to the Infernus and unlocks the door. He starts it up, and speeds his way out of the parking lot and onto the city streets.

 

“I need to find out where father and Lee has gone off to. There is only one way I can find that out. I must head back to where it all began.”

 

After a while of driving. Gutierrez finally reaches his destination. He stops in front of a casino. He looks out the window and sees two Japanese men guarding the front doors armed with AK’s and M4’s. Oscar the exit’s the Infernus and approaches the entrance.

 

 

 

 

Next chapter soon! Plz post your thoughts.

[Eminence]

Interesting start, not bad so far. It's different to most other fanfics already, with it being about finding out the truth about things and not rising up through a criminal underworld, so it seems interesting.

 

However.

 

The first thing I noticed was that the opening is structured quite wrong - some of the sentences start where a comma would be more appropriate, and things of the sort. It's a little nitpicky, but it does seriously hinder the flow of the narrative - and that's the last thing you want to do with your opening paragraph.

 

 

Oscar Gutierrez, adopted son of a Yakuza Waka-Gashira, was sent to a Hong Kong prison, after taking the fall for his adopted father and brother's murderous actions against the local Triads and other street gangs. While his family fled to the United States. Gutierrez was left behind to take blame for his families' crimes. After learning the death of his younger, adopted brother. Gutierrez took action, and broke out of prison to say his final farewells to his beloved younger sibling. Now, he has traveled to the United States and has ended up in the most dangerous city of them all.... Liberty City. Now, in an unfamiliar and dangerous place. Oscar must find out who murdered his adopted brother, and find out the true reason of his imprisonment. Along the way, he will find out more about his past as he unravels the biggest puzzle of all... Himself

 

Here's one a little changed up:

 

 

Oscar Gutierrez, adopted son of a Yakuza Waka-Gashira, was sent to a Hong Kong prison after taking the fall for his father and adopted brother's murderous actions against the local Triads and other street gangs. While his family fled to the United States, Gutierrez was left behind to take blame for his families' crimes. After learning the death of his younger, adopted brother, Gutierrez took action and broke out of prison to say his final farewells to his beloved younger sibling. Now, he has traveled to the United States and has ended up in the most dangerous city of them all... Liberty City. Now, in an unfamiliar and dangerous place, Oscar must find out who murdered his adopted brother, and find out the true reason of his imprisonment. Along the way, he will find out more about his past as he unravels the biggest puzzle of all... himself.

 

You'll probably now notice that the first sentence is pretty long, but it flows much better than the original. The answer to this would be to perhaps to cut out some of the unnecessary information from said sentence, for example, removing the "and other street gangs" at the end.

 

I like the way you've started with past tense to tell his background, and then carefully switched to the present tense, though. It's done well and it sounds a little like a movie trailer at the end of this paragraph, not a bad thing in this case. The only thing I would say, though, is that two consecutive sentences start with "Now," - I can see how this could be done intentionally, but I think when you read through it it seems a little out of place, as you're just repeating the same sentence structure. So, not bad writing, but just think about the strucutre a little - especially in such a key part as the opening paragraph.

 

 

 

Now, onto the main part of the story!

 

The first short paragraph isn't bad, but again there's a couple errors:

 

 

Two Hong Kong Precinct guards are taking a new prisoner to his cell. The prisoner appears to be Hispanic, as the other convicts looks and scowls at him. They reach an empty cell. One of the guards unlocks the cell door and the other guard throws the prisoner in. They close the cell door and locks it up.

 

The first is the part "the other convicts looks and scowls at him". Here, you've made the two verbs at the end plural when they shouldn't be - you've described convicts, but that doesn't mean the verbs have to be plural - instead it should simply be "the other convicts look and scowl at him".

 

The next problem is again kinda with the structure. This paragraph starts well, by first mentioning an action (taking the prisoner to his cell) - this is then followed by a sentence probing a little further - adding some description. However, the sentences after this simply tell the reader about other actions, with little description - this is a common problem with many stories, so if you can try to correct it then it will again help the story flow a little better. Just at the end of the last sentence again as well, similarly to the start - you've made "locks" plural, it should simply be lock.

 

 

Now, another major problem I found was with dialogue. I have three main points to make regarding this:

 

•The story itself seems to have too much dialogue. The main body of the story is filled with numerous lines of dialogue, and then most of the narrative inbetween is simply dictating different actions to the reader. Try to include more lines of description to break it up and better set the scene for the reader.

•Regarding the structure of the dialogue itself, with every line of dialogue you include there's an error with the punctuation at the end (see below)

•Again regarding this, the attribution to the dialogue (who is saying it) is also incorrect at times (again, see below)

 

Now, regarding the punctuation being incorrect - what I mean is this, for example:

 

 

“What the hell is that?”, asked a bewildered Gutierrez.

/

“The time has come, Cuban.”, spoke the guard.

 

At the end of each section of dialogue, you're using two different punctuation marks - in the first line you're using a question mark followed by a comma, while in the second you're using a full stop and then a comma. You only need one, and it should be inside the speech marks - so basically, you don't need the extra one outside the speech marks. However, regarding the second line - the one inside the speech marks should be the comma, not the full stop - as if there is an attribution afterwards (in this case, 'spoke the guard') then the sentence isn't yet over, so it would finish on a comma in order to accomodate the attribution.

 

If you're still confused on this, there's a handy guide here that you can use to help you regarding how to punctuate dialogue.

 

Now, regarding my third point about the attribution being incorrect at times. Again, I will use the quotation above - this mistake is simply switching tenses. The story is being told in the present tense, i.e. what is happening now; whereas the attribution to the dialogue above is being told in the past tense, i.e. what has already happened. Gutierrez "asked", the guard "spoke" - these are both past tense. Instead, it should be "asks a bewildered Gutierrez" and "speaks the guard".

 

So to clarify, taking all the errors into consideration - the quote above, in its correct form, would look like this:

 

 

“What the hell is that?” asks a bewildered Gutierrez.

/

“The time has come, Cuban,” speaks the guard.

 

 

A couple other little things...

 

 

Gutierrez the takes out his pistol and shoots the detective point blank in the tempo.

 

Firstly, tempo? Hehe, I think you mean, temple.

 

Secondly, is the whole realism factor. Would he really want to, or be able to, simply shoot a detective in the head? I know it's GTA and everything, but when you're talking about a story, try to not get carried away with it being so lawless - if it's too unrealistic it will seem a little far-fetched and then people will have a hard time relating to the story.

 

 

He exit’s the cell and locks it up as the guards calls out for help.

/

Oscar the exit’s the Infernus and approaches the entrance.

 

Here you've put an apostrophe in "exits" for no reason. What you're saying here is "he exit is the cell" and "Oscar exit is the Infernus" ... makes no sense, does it?

 

Just because it has the "s" on the end doesn't mean it needs the apostrophe. Just think about what you're actually saying if you're wondering whether or not an apostrophe is needed - if it sounds like the above, you won't need one. (except in the case of possession, for example where you say "the guard's body" ... in this case it doesn't mean "the guard is body", it means "the body belonging to the guard" and whatnot).

 

 

As the story continues, the only other problems are just continuations of ones mentioned above - mainly to do with structure and the like. There's a couple more occasions where you're simply dictating things to the reader:

 

 

He then hears gunshots. He then suddenly gets up and sees he is back in his prison cell. He takes a look at the cell door.

 

 

He then ensues on handcuffing them to the same pipe on the wall. He takes their pistols and unlocks the cell door. He exit’s the cell and locks it up as the guards calls out for help.

 

Try not to do this - add in some more description to break it up - and make sure you don't start every sentence with the same word, in this case "he".

 

 

That's about it really ... sorry I went on for so long, got a little carried away, hehe!

 

It's not a bad story - the plot seems good so far - just try to work on the structure a little more and include some more description. Once you improve these little things it'll soon get very interesting to read, I'm sure. Try not to get discouraged by the amount I've picked up on here, and stick at it!

[WWE_vs_TNA]

Thanks for all the advice man! I'll try my hardest to perfect this. You can expect the next chapter sometime today or tomorrow.

[Eminence]

Great!

 

Sorry I wrote so much haha, I really did go off on one!

 

I'm glad you're taking it into consideration though, and I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something good.