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The year is 1999 and organised crime is on the up across America. Leon Adams finds himself in Vandenburg,a city where he has no one knowing that his home is gone forever. Sent to Vandenburg to complete a deal while he was gone his brother was killed in a botched job and his daughter gone. What's more there are rumours that his boss is dead.


Leon is stuck in Limbo with a bag of drugs and cellphone, he has been warned that he cannot return by the only surviving member of the job which cut short his brothers life. Leon has only one choice, he must make a name of himself in Vandenburg to find the people who killed his brother and find his daughter.




Wielding guns in well populated non violent (or non gang controlled) areas will attract immediate police attention. Or the flip side there are areas that are essentially police no go areas, areas which would require a vast amount of criminal action on your part for a police APB.


Stealing a car in the middle of the street in broad daylight will attract police attention. One must now approach criminal activities in a much more covert manner.


Now weapons can be stored at home and the character can choose which weapons to take on a mission as they can be accessed any time in game. However most players will find that it will not be used until the later stages of the game effectively.


One can now access their phone to telephone highlighted characters in their phonebook. Some characters such as prostitutes can be called at any time for "courting". In game some missions are acquired from highlighted characters and Leon himself will have his own missions and will have to call the required personell to complete it.


After several negotiations GTA have now secured the rights for car manufacturers meaning that several real cars ranging from the 60's to the late 90's will be avaliable and with the increased power of the Playstation 3 now there will be photorealistic looking vehicles and they will sound and drive like the real thing, which will transform the realism within the game.




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Edited by TerminalGTA
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Wow, it looks like you've put a lot of work into this, so my immediate reaction is good show!


I'm loving the artwork and the map, very stylish and detailed, again reaffirming my belief that a lot has gone into the making of it.


My only qualm is with the way it seems it is going to be written. I love the intro to it - it's reminiscent of a movie trailer or introduction - very stylish again. However, the way you then detail gameplay aspects - I'm not a big fan of fanfics that go through something as though you're playing the game; I'd much prefer it to simply be a narrative telling the story. Which then leads me onto wondering whether you'll be writing it as a script, with dialogue aplenty, or if it will in fact be told in more of a narrative form with a lot of description.


Whichever you choose, I'll be sure to follow along though I'm sure, it's a very detailed and interesting start so I'm intrigued to see how it goes! smile.gif

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Like what Eminence said, you put a hell of alot of work into this. The intro I really like. Gets me excited to read some more! Also, nice boxart and map! icon14.gif Very cool cool.gif Great job and well.... keep it up! smile.gificon14.gif

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Rest assured it is not a fan fic. The gameplay changes, is me trying to basically ensure that people understand that in this story if the character acts like a criminal then he will attact police attention. The weaponry aspect means that the player will actively store guns and stuff and so forth to be honest, the more I look at it I guess the less I think it is needed, and also for that matter I also think there is no need for a car list I reckon.


Thanks for the heads up Eminence its got me thinking that I should dive into Character background and the story. blush.gifsmile.gif

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I take it by that response you mean it's not a fan fic in the sense that it won't be a simple script taking you through this imaginary game?


Because even if it is narrative, it's still a fan fic, of course. wink.gif



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The Alcamo Family

Description - One of the Italian Mafia families in the city and one of the most powerful. They are led by Antonio “Tony” Alcamo. Criminal activities include prostitution, racqueteering, money laundering, and illegal protection and battery. They are thought to have links to Liberty City.

Areas They Frequent: West Roma, South Trimble


The Castalletti Family

Description – The other prominent Mafia family in Vandenburg. Led by Vinnie Castelletti they are known to be feuding with The Alcamo Family. Crime has soured in around the docklands areas as a consequence. Criminal activities include protection and battery, money laundering, and prostitution.

Areas They Frequent: East Roma, Denley


The Russian Mafia aka Bratva (Brotherhood)

Description – They have no official name apart from Bratva (Brotherhood) and there are no reports who lead their organisation, he is believed to be extremely reclusive. There has been increasing information to believe that he does live in the Vandenburg area as opposed to those who thought that the whole organisation was ran from Russia. They are highly organised and fearsome. They were formed from the fallout of the Capitilist Revolution in Russia and it is believed that many of the members have ties to the former KGB Secret Police. Criminal activities include arms trading, drug trafficking, money laundering, illegal production of biochemicals.

Areas They Frequent: Langley, Parts of the Docklands


Red 88’ (Albanian Mafia)

Description – You may be forgiven for thinking the small European nation would not produce anything that would compete in this city, and in most areas perhaps this conclusion is correct. But Red 88’ are formidable. They are known to have very hi tech machinery and are perhaps the most feared gang to The Vandenburg City Police Department (VCPD). Criminal activities include high tech crimes, drug trafficking, illegal drugs production, and human trafficking.

Areas They Frequent: North Timberly, Parts of the Docklands


The Rif-Rif Cru (Jamaican Yardies)

Description – The Yardies are known to be the biggest peddlers of drugs within the city and generally work collectively with other gangs, but because they are disorganised they generally do not have a clear goal and therefore small deals are done on an individual scale. Cornell Williams is the loose leader of the gang, but changes in power are frequent.

Criminal activities include drug dealing and prostitution.

Areas They Frequent: Everywhere but predominantly Angleton and Trimble


The Yakuza

Description – Honour is everything for these people. One must follow the Yakuza way and up stand their many oaths. Their Waka-Gashira is currently unknown following the death of Akio Kazakawa at what is believed to be Emperor Triad hands. This single action has been fuelling a war between the two parties. Criminal activities include illegal sale of cars, grand theft auto (mainly exotics), illegal gambling, espionage and blackmail.

Areas They Frequent: Olympus, Dunstable, Park Green


The Emperor Triads

Description – Headed by Emperor Lee, the only name we know for the head of the crime syndicate. They operate a similar structure to The Yakuza and rely on loyalty. Rumours have surfaced that they instigated a war against the Yakuza perhaps to disrupt their operations close to Chinatown. It would seem that Akio Kazakawa fell victim to a Triad hitman, but speculation has bred a gang war which in reality there is no reliable information to indicate that they had any part to do with this. Criminal activities include human trafficking, grand larceny, piracy, counterfeiting, and kidnapping.

Areas They Frequent: Chinatown


Bogotá Cartel aka Colombian Cartel

Description – They hail from the Colombian capital city and have extensive links back to Colombia with an extensive network of ships and airplanes across the whole of Latin America to get drugs into Vandenburg and then out to all parts of the United States. They are the biggest sellers on wholesale level of narcotics and have they been targeted unsuccessfully by the VCPD many times. They are clearly run from the outside, but reports suggest that are not ran from Colombia because of the potential threats of the area with other cartels running from the area. It is believed that the true head of the cartel resides in Panama or Belize, although alternatives such as Mexico and Cuba are also reported. Criminal activities, almost exclusively drug trafficking, particularly non synthesised drugs such as cocaine, heroin and marijuana

Areas They Frequent: Santa Maria, and increasingly in Pimento and Ria Falls


Los Lobos Cartel

Description – In the early 1990’s there was an opportunity for Mexican run cartel’s to make a name for themselves in America and they took that opportunity to push drugs into the country. Using airplanes predominantly and paying low paid workers to take it across the border. It was a win-win situation for them. They could manufacture the goods for the lowest price possible and sell it to the American’s at top dollar. Consequently in the late 1990’s a crackdown on their operation saw a lot of the key Los Lobos player wind up in jail. But this allowed the Colombian’s to come in and, a low strength Los Lobos had to concede the lost ground. In fact an alliance was struck up with both parties helping each other to bring in the drugs. The alliance allowed the Colombian Cartel to extend its reach into Mexico for the first time allowing it easy access into the United States. Although how long this alliance lasts is any ones guess as it would seem that as the price of narcotics drops, the amount of competition will increase but currently this arrangement helps both parties to compete with the likes of The Russians. Criminal activities include high level activity in narcotics, and small level activities in arms trading, as well as illegal motor racing meets.

Areas They Frequent: Pimento, La Ria and increasingly in Santa Maria


Vardale Street Boys

Description – They formed in the early 90’s to combat the increasing activities of the Yardies in the Vardale territories. Their early mission was to kick out the Yardie dealers that plagued the already impoverished community, but corruption led them to effectively replace them as the dealers in the area. They have managed to maintain their supremacy over the Yardies in the areas but killings and driveby’s are a common occurrence so much so that the VCPD do not enter the area, apart from with SWAT units to raid drug dens and prominent members of both parties. The VSB are very disorganised with no clear leadership. It is not uncommon for inner gang disputes to end in blood shed. In fact the disorganisation of both the VSB and The Yardies has seen defections on both sides as both look for supremacy. A side effect of the drug trade is that the Vardale area is now one of the worst boroughs in the city which is surprising considering the high end houses and luxurious lifestyles that are found in neighbouring boroughs such as Aston Green, La Marina and South Beach. Criminal activities include multiple homicides, and drug dealing.

Areas They Frequent: Vardale and parts of Vardale Heights




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Leon Adams

Age: 27

Ethnicity: White American

Hometown: Liberty City

Background: Leon grew up in Liberty City and had to raise his family single handed. His father was killed in a shoot out with the police back in 1983. He had been used by the local mob as a handyman and then the day came when he would make it big with a big stake in a heist. The whole job went wrong and he ended up dead when the police showed up. His family suffered with this tragedy and the local mob could care less about the incident, offering no help. In 1990 when Leon was turning 18, his mother committed suicide on an overdose of depression drugs. Leon was now faced with the daunting task of putting food on the table for his family at the tender age of 18. It was only him and his brother now and they stuck together even when social security wanted to take David away. Leon joined the local mob just like his father and by the age of 22, he had branched out and was now working for a local kingpin Mike Santorro. Mike new of his plight and made sure that Leon was well treated and when David turned 18 he welcomed him to the gang with open arms. Years passed and Leon soon became an adult. He met his wife Maria in 1993 and by 1995 he had a beautiful daughter, which he named Anne. 1996 was a year of tragedy for Adams as his wife died in a car crash. After a suicide attempt he decided that he needed to get himself straight and Santorro obliged by giving him more responsibility with the group. Leon himself would manage to make enough money for his family with Santorro supporting him but he feared that his brother David was getting to far in and discussed with Santorro about getting him out, something which Santorro disliked immensely after a brawl between the two which almost ended in bloodshed, the two have never been the same. But Santorro had supported Leon for quite sometime and he couldn’t see him out in the cold and in early 1998, planning began for their biggest heist ever, The Bank of America, downtown Liberty City. With only a few weeks to go until the heist, Mike Santorro proposed something to Leon that boiled his blood; he was to miss the heist settling a deal In Vandenburg that would get them a massive cash income. Consequently a last minute adjustment was made to the heist team and the previously not included David Adams was now going to take Leon’s place and this Leon could not protect his brother if things went wrong.


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David Adams

Age: 22

Ethnicity: White American

Hometown: Liberty City

Background: Much the same as Leon, David had to pass through hardship with his parent’s demise. Living in the shadow of his brother David soon acquired the qualities that attracted Mike Santorro to hire him up, a move which Leon disapproved of. David wanted to help his brother and that was the main reason why he joined Santorro. He also wanted to make some money, something which has always been short in the Adams family. So far David has never done anything very meaningful for Santorro but now with Leon away he must take the centre stage for the heist.


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Mike Santorro

Age: 42

Ethnicity: Italian American

Hometown: Liberty City

Background: Mike took over a small mob from his father and he looked to expand, but at the same time he made sure he was in the favour of the big bosses in Liberty city, namely Salvatore Leone and also the Forrelli’s. Having done this he was quite happy to take the quiet life and make a little money on the side. Mike saw potential in Leon Adams and made sure that he joined his group, giving him the money to help his family. Ever since that day Leon has been in Mike’s debt and he has exploited this to the full and when he was sure that Leon was trustworthy he made him an important man, effectively allowing him to make decisions within the group. But the big decisions still resided at Mike’s doorstep and when he decided to sign up Leon’s brother he stood firm even though Leon wanted Mike to reconsider. A resulting fight almost damaged relations beyond repair, but a normally unforgiving Santorro took Leon back but with the warning that he was the boss and whatever he said went, and David stayed on the team. Just weeks ago, Santorro made a big decision in deciding that Leon would go to Vandenburg while the Bank of America heist took place and for Leon it was a hard pill to swallow but one that he could not afford to spit out. Should the heist go well then Mike Santorro could well be one of the most powerful men in Liberty City.


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Patrick Steele

Age: 39

Ethnicity: Irish American

Hometown: Boston, MA

Background: Patrick grew up in the Irish quarter of Boston where he quickly fell in with the wrong people. Patrick seemed to be rising in the criminal world until one faithful day when that all changed. It was 1996 and after a bar brawl that turned into a mini riot in the streets of Boston. Patrick defending himself accidentally shot a policeman, who was connected to the local mob. Not only was Patrick in trouble with the law but the Italians wanted him too over the killing of the bent cop who was providing them with the name of the local snitches in the area. Patrick fled and it is believed he changed his identity. Currently no one, not even those closest to him in Santorro’s mob know his real name. Patrick Steele is most likely a cover to protect him from the Boston mob.


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Louis de Mont

Age: 40

Ethnicity: French American

Hometown: Vandenburg

Background: Louis had lived in Vandenburg the majority of his life and he lived a life as an upstanding citizen working in a bank, but one day in 1989, de Mont was falsely accused of fraud. The lack of evidence was evident but it was believed that someone in the background wanted de Mont away and they seemed to have real clout. De Mont got two years at Liberty City Federal Prison and it turned him. To survive in that environment he needed to change and when he came out in 1991 he was a different man. In 1992, de Mont joined Mike Santorro in Liberty City and began working for him. First small jobs, but eventually they began doing banks together. De Mont’s knowledge of banks and their security systems made him invaluable to Santorro. De Mont stated to associate with Leon Adams and acted a mentor to him, helping him out when he needed something and much the same happened when David Adams joined the gang. Now as we close in on the millennium de Mont is looking to get his final job done and emigrate to the Bahamas. The heist at the Bank of America would be his nest egg.


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Alex Hart

Age: 33

Ethinicity: British White

Hometown: London, UK

Background: Alex grew up in Harlseden, London. He was a petty theif and went to jail back in the 80's for three years after being arrested with stolen goods. When he got out, he had had enough the theives game and thought he would go to America in attempt to look for work. He worked in a bank in Vandenburg for a while but after certain events, he was made redundant and wound up working for Franky Lucelli. There are little aspiration that he will ever rise up the Mafia tree because of Franky treats him as an odd job man, but Alex sees himself as a made man one day, whether that will happens remains to be seen

Edited by TerminalGTA
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Interesting bios. Lot of information to take in, though - be sure not to neglect the need for character development and the likes in the actual story itself - don't let this do all the explaining for you! wink.gif


Again, it's all written very well, even if they are only short bios... which only makes me more interested at the potential of this! So, good job. smile.gif


One more thing as well, absolutely loving the cast. Ray Liotta, Michael Madsen ... perfection! biggrin.gif

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Eminance thanks for the advice, yeah I just want you to get acquainted with the character. There is plenty you don't know, to keep the suspense going




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Chapter One – Down In Vandenburg


As Leon stepped out of the cab with metal suitcase in hand he knew that he didn’t like the look of the hotel. The Vandenburg Inn had long lost its attractiveness and the fact that the “d” from the “Vandenburg” had been lost didn’t add to the look. Leon took a moment to take it all in and muttered to himself as he paid the cab driver.


Leon: I thought I was supposed to stay somewhere comfortable.


Leon took a moment a thought about the guy who had given him the rucksack that he held in the other hand. There was something odd about him. When Santorro gave him this piece of paper telling him where to pick up a piece he was looking forward to seeing him. He had met a fair amount of arms dealers and they were always a little crazy, always suspicious. This guy was different he seemed relaxed and this made Leon suspicious. Or maybe this city just had a different outlook on things. In Liberty there was always a guy trying to screw you over maybe here there honour amongst thieves. He doubted it and took a step forward towards the hotel’s automatic doors.


As he entered he was not surprised to see that the inside was no nicer than the outside. It looked grimy inside and clearly hadn’t been cleaned for a good while. Leon went to the front desk and placed hit suitcase in front of him on the desk where he could see it.


Leon: Hey I have a reservation. (He said with an expectant tone as he looked at the young girl behind the desk)


Hotelier: Your name?


Leon: Michael Harmond


It was customary that a good criminal never give up any details about himself in case the sh*t hit the fan and the police called round.


Hotelier: Yes we have you here, you’re in room 302. It’s on the third floor and it seems you’re staying with us tonight, tomorrow and leaving on Tuesday is that correct?


Leon: Yeah, you got it! (He said trying to speed things along)


Hotelier: Well all I need is your signature here for any extra expenses and it seems that your room is already paid, so that’s all I need (She looked at the computer screen making sure that all was correct)


Leon: grabbed the piece of paper and signed it quickly with something that looked like a “Michael Harwood”.


Hotelier: Thank you very much. (As she took the paper and placed in some unseen area of the desk)


The young lady turned and picked up the keys to the hotel room and handed them to Leon who was only to happy to pick them up. Leon swung round to face the lifts behind him and pressed the up button. After a short wait, he got in and in no time he was outside his room.


The door was freshly painted which was stark contrast to the outside of the hotel. He cranked the door open and was pleasantly surprised to find a half decent sized room with a decent bed and TV that worked after a quick test. He paused for a moment and placed the suitcase down for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. He was finally here and he wished that it was tomorrow so that he could do this deal and get the hell back to Liberty City. He was worried but not for himself, but for his brother. He knew that by now he was in hiding with $10,000,000 of banknotes, and that the plan was foolproof but he still felt that worried feeling of not knowing. He decided when 9pm came around he would give him a call, but a secondary thought told him that that would not be a very good idea. No doubt the police would be tracking mobile calls and if they stumbled on this one then David would be looking at 20 to life in prison.


Tomorrow no doubt Mike Santorro would phone asking on the deal and then he could codify some sort of questions to find out what happened. Regardless there was very little he could do now but sleep.


He looked at his watch and saw that it was 11.30pm. It was time to hit the sack, tomorrow would be a long day and he knew that he needed to be alert. After getting ready Leon got in bed and noted that the sheets were supple. The lights went out and with his last moment of consciousness he let out a momentary thought, almost a prayer that the job had gone well. But tomorrow he might have been the one who needed the luck.


Leon awoke at 8am and he didn’t feel too good. He felt like his stomach was burning and after a good ten minutes in the toilet he felt a little better, he concluded that the dodgy food on the plane was to blame and after another quick run to the toilet for to be sick, he felt better. He washed his face in the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. Today was the day Leon thought. Today it was make or break. Leon went to the rucksack he had collected and looked at the 9mm gun he had been given it was nothing special but it would do the job and if things got rough he would be glad to have him. Leon checked the mechanism was still working and it seemed to be working perfectly. He smiled, thinking if it didn’t work it wasn’t like he could take it back and trade it in for a new one. He thought about and cursed himself for being so lax earlier


Leon: f*ck sake Leon, keep it together


He forgave himself and thought that he would relax and watch a little bit of television. He turned on the TV and was immediately rewarded with the weather for Vandenburg.


“The weather today for the east coast today will be largely sunny, Liberty City will see some rainy spells but both Vice City and Vandenburg will be sunny all day long, that’s all from me, back to the news.”


The scene turned to female anchor of the news programme.


“And today’s top story, carnage brought to downtown Liberty City as $70 million is stolen in a shocking heist in which three people are dead. We now go down to Phil Redman at Downtown Liberty City, for the latest news”


Leon’s heart began beating like a piston as he eagerly anticipated what the man was going to say.


“Thanks Jane, Liberty City awoke to utter carnage outside the Bank of America as police filled the street and erected barricades preventing any traffic passing one of the busiest streets in the city> The scene outside was described by one passer by this morning as something out of a movie, and truly it would seem that the plot keeps thickening here, as the police made their second statement confirming the identity of one of the dead inside. Of course we know that three people have died but the other two have as yet not been named but the confirmed death is that of David Adams…….David Adams wa………”


Leon’s ears shut off, his eyes could no longer see, his face was still and the anger and sorrow grew. It was too much of a shock for him to even think. He sat their zombified. The slight wince in his face like a dagger through his heart! It was the worst thing anyone had ever told him and memories of that day they told him his mother had died came flooding. That build up of pure fear and terror that he hoped he would never feel again came to him and it came with such a force that all he could do was begin to cry, as if he was a child again. It didn’t last as a raging animal grew in the already broadening body that was the 6’2” frame of Leon. The anger protruded from his face like burning flame as he let out a roar.


Leon: Argggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


It was as if the mountains were moving, it was so ferocious, so animalistic such a basic sound of pure human emotion that it resonated around the room and around the hallways. He grabbed the television win one movement and threw it against the ceiling as it catapulted about the room like cascading bomb flinging debris all around the room. Hell had come to this room and Leon did not stop he walked into the bathroom and created havoc in there smashing the window and cut his fist open at the side. He could feel no pain, it seemed he had not even noticed as he jabbed the wall creating a series of hand shaped figurines in the wall.


He walked back and tripped on the destruction he had created, he was a little calmer and few tears returned as words came…


Leon: Why? WHY? WHY? (As the tears came faster and quicker, he had lost one of the reasons he had been alive, a part of him had been lost. A part of him was gone, torn from him like ripping wound on his heart.)


He picked himself up and realised what he had done to his hand as it bled to the floor like a tap running hot water into a sink. Pain came and it came strong. He inspected his hand and saw that he still had full mobility in it. In his mind ten seconds had past but he saw that the news programme has already move onto less serious matters concerning Liberty City ordinances concerning motorbikes and cycle paths.


He knew no more than David was dead, but a denial crept in as he thought. How would they know and if he’s dead then how come money was taken. For sure none of the gang would of come forward and identified any bodies that was for sure. He sat their with a puppy dog look trying to look for something in his mind that proved it all wrong, and he stopped.


Leon: What the f*ck happened? Who do I call?


He didn’t know who we should call first. His brother seemed like the obvious choice but for the first time since his adolescence he was scared. He was scared that when he called no one would pick up. Scared that if his brother didn’t pick up then the TV would be correct. He didn’t want to take that chance.


Leon thought now visibly hurting with the vicious cut on his hand picked up the phone and decided that Santorro was the best person to call if someone knew what was going on it would be him. The phone rang and rang but nobody picked up. Leon was surprising pleased perhaps Santorro was in hiding with the money and David was there waiting and somehow they swindled the cops into thinking that the robbers were dead, but wait what about the missing money, the police already knew………Leon was working himself up, until he focussed and moved down in his phonebook. He saw Louis’ number and it rang and rang but there was no answer. He put the phone down losing some hope and feeling helpless, when his phone rang. He read the name on the front hoping it would say Dave, but no, it was Louis.


Leon: f*ck Louis, I saw the news what the f*ck has happened (it came out like verbal train running on max down the line as, all mispronounced and slightly to quick for his mouth


Louis: sh*t Leon, I don’t know everything is f*cked man! I don’t know what to do!


Leon took a deep breath now knowing that the worst would follow


Louis: David is…..gone….he’s dead Leon, Patrick is f*cking dead too. We got f*cked!


Leon: No, no , no, f*ck!!!!!!!!!! Louis what the f*ck happened!!!!!! f*ck!!!!


Louis: Calm down Leon, I don’t know…….sh*t happened so quick…..I didn’t even know what had happened until I was a mile away from the place.


Leon: Tell me what happened (Leon trying hard to calm himself). Tell me every f*cking detail!


Louis: Look man, we got in the van and pulled up to the bank at 3 am just like the plan. I disable the door and we went in. The alarm was on Leon! That’s what I don’t get. We all went inside and while Patrick and David checked the place out a released pressure sensor on the vault door and unlocked the combination. I stepped away from the vault and walked away to put all the stuff back in the van. Seriously I was gone for like 20 seconds. When I come back David dead on the vault floor and Patrick is hit hitched up against the vault. The I sh*t myself and Patrick get shot in the back of the head and this guy comes out dressed all in black. He points his gun at me and he hits me in the arm. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I was dead. I got the gun and squeezed the triggered and the guy dropped to the floor. Then…….well what could I do Leon, I ran I didn’t know what was going on!


Leon: I can’t f*cking believe this, we were set up. I knew it. It was f*cking Santorro, when I’m done with the bastard he…


Louis interrupted Leon


Louis: That’s the thing Leon, Santorro is dead too. Someone set him alight in his car out twenty miles outside Liberty, By the times the police arrived, there was nothing left. They even pulled his f*cking teeth out. The only way they could tell it was him was by the size of the bones and a f*cking burnt out golden ring they found in the car. Someone f*cked us all!


Leon: But…….It was perfect, no one knew apart from us five…………..wait a minute. Louis it’s a bit f*cking coincidental that your ass is sitting there when everyone else is dead! You f*cking rat! (Leon shouted in anger)


Louis: Hey Leon! I got a f*cking hole in my arm. You know that I would of f*cking died for David man!. I f*cking loved the kid! Hey look man. I would of said it was Patrick, but he’s f*cking dead. I don’t know who the f*ck it is. All I know is I got to get out of here (Louis said frantically). I need to pick up some stuff from this guy and then coming there and we’re going to the Bahamas. I had it all set out, sure I don’t have the money but we can hide away there!


Leon bellowed a clear moan of disapproval


Leon: My f*cking brother is dead and someone set us up! I am going to get the next f*cking flight to Liberty and I am going to find the bastards who done this to David!


Louis: You can’t come back, listen the guys who set us up are probably coming to get me and I need to get out of here, If you come they’ll kill you. These guys were pro’s you could f*cking tell


Leon grunted as he roared down the phone


Leon: I DON’ f*ckING CARE! I have to deal with this and If I die so be it!


Louis: Listen LEON! You need to control yourself. You need to hang low! Police are probably looking for you and me too, since everyone is f*cking dead. They knew our set and they’re probably f*cking licking their lips. How you going to help your brother banged up!


Leon: So what do you want me to do? (Leon asked aggressively)


Louis: Look Leon! I say f*ck this deal, dump the suitcase and stay low. I will be in Vandenburg in a week and then we get our asses to the Bahamas where at least we know it’s safe.


Leon: Look nowhere is safe. You want to leave, you leave but I am going to find these assholes and I am going to rip their f*cking hearts out for what they did to David.


Louis sighed.


Just then Leon had a thought one which would have probably been his first thought if the event of the last day had not happened. This was the small matter of his daughter still in Liberty City with Nancy the nanny and Leon knew nothing about her. Surely no one would of done anything to her, but he needed to know what had happened to her. He remembered that the phone line had been cut off the week before by the phone line for work to it and that it was probably still not working and he felt that feeling again when he was thinking of ringing David.


Leon: Louis I need you to do me a favour! I need you to get Anne for me and get Nancy safe somewhere. Listen as a friend please do this! (Leon said this full of need, like it was his own life he was begging for)


Louis: Yeah okay Leon, I’ll pick her up and send them to you! Listen Leon take down this guys number he is kind of a friend, kind of an associate. He looks after my house in Vandenburg. He has the key. I will phone him to tell him you’re going to be staying round. He should help Leon!


Leon: Okay, listen Louis get me back my daughter, she is all I have left!


Louis: I will see what I can do!


Louis hung up the phone and instantly that feeling of helplessness came over Leon again he was powerless and he was relying on other people. The shock of David washed over him again and he did nothing but look at the telephone anxiously and remembered the last time he had seen David at the airport before he went to Vandenburg, now he would never see him again and his head was a just a mess of whats and hows?


His salvation came an hour later. It was now 10 am and the phone sparked up like an angel’s voice to Leon’s ears.


Leon: Louis!


Louis: Hey Leon, look things are complicated, and you need to understand what I am about to tell you. Nancy is dead. The f*cking police are all over the house. At the time I thought sh*t the police have Annie! But then it f*cking happened. My phone went off and I answered it, at first I thought it was you, but it wasn’t, I don’t know who it was, all it said was that “If Leon wants to see his daughter again, he better steer clear of Liberty City”. I’m sorry man! Listen I am packing now and I am coming now to Vandenberg. This is f*cking me up!


Leon: sh*t!! f*ck!! What am I going to do? (Leon rhetorically proposed in frantic tone). sh*t!


Louis: Listen! I also heard something else…… I asked the guy by the grocery store if he saw who went into Santorro’s and he said………………………………………..


The phoned seemed to fall to the ground as muffles droned down the line.


Leon: Louis? LOUIS? You f*cking there?


Just then two thuds could be heard and the muffles stopped. The unmistakeable whoosh of a telephone receiver being raised to lips cast an air of suspense across Leon


The voice coming from the phone was instantly not Louis. Its menacing tone with no hint as to its owner cast a clear message to Leon


“You come back to Liberty City and I will be sending bits of her for weeks……(dial tone)”





Please leave feedback!

Chapter hopefully following tomorrow!

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Nice introductory chapter! Guess we're gonna see murder and plight, huh? tounge.gif


Couple of things though: MAP SIZE - bloomin' huge. Could you link it or maybe reduce the size? It's a tad bit annoying having to scroll a bit to the side and back, rather than up and down. It's totally up to, just a suggestion.


In terms of story -- why the script style dialouge? I don't understand it...you've done very well in describing the story, then it cuts to this "script"-like dialogue. It's a tad bit difficult to read if you mix the two together and does hinder the flow of the story.


Leon: Yeah, you got it! (He said trying to speed things along)

Could be:


"Yeah, you got it!" replied Leon, as he was trying to speed things along


Structure seems a tad bit strange because of the times you've added:


Leon awoke at 8am...

Ask yourself: "Would I care if he awoke at 8am?" -- however, stating that he awoke the next morning connects the previous paragraph and the next, a helluva lot better.


Another dialouge thing:


Leon: Argggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

A simple, "Leon screamed his lungs out" (or something similar) would've fit well, instead of..."Arghh!!!" Reminds me of zombies though...which is why I laughed at it, just a tiny bit tounge.gif


Other then those items...especially, the issue with script-style dialouge you really do have a well written piece. I absolutely love the description (e.g. when Leon was screaming his lungs out) and the dialouge is pretty illuminating - the final sentence was pretty magnificent for some reason. And I like how the plot took a slight twist too. Very nice work man. Keep at it.



You come back to Liberty City and I will be sending bits of her for weeks
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Not bad, but there's a number of flaws that make it a little less enjoyable to read. There's some really good description, but quite a few mistakes as well.


Firstly, there's a number of grammatical errors - just a few small things. Added to them there's these, which are a little more noticeable:



The slight wince in his face like a dagger through his heart!


You don't want to be putting an exclamation mark in the narrative - it kind of gives it emotion, which you don't want to do. The narrative is just telling the story, so it's unneeded and ruins the look of it.



Leon: Argggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.


Don't make it a comic.



For sure none of the gang would of come forward and identified any bodies that was for sure.


This is a good line, for sure!


(repetition - no no wink.gif)


Now, there's a few lines where commas are missing, so the line doesn't flow well because you should pause at some point in it, but instead it's just a continuous sentence. This one is an example:



He remembered that the phone line had been cut off the week before by the phone line for work to it and that it was probably still not working and he felt that feeling again when he was thinking of ringing David.


A really long line like that ... not ONE comma? C'mon, there has to be some form of pausing in there. In truth, it doesn't need a comma - it would work best as two separate sentences. As well as that, the first part is a little confusing - it should be phone company, not line. Something like this would be much better:



He remembered that the phone line had been cut off the week before by the phone company for work to it and that it was probably still not working. He felt that feeling again, the same as when he was thinking of ringing David.


The next thing concerns the use of an ellipsis. They're good to use, but they don't need to be so long:



I asked the guy by the grocery store if he saw who went into Santorro’s and he said………………………………………..


You only need three. That's all.



So again, good description, and it's coming along nicely. Now, for the main problem, which you absolutely must fix to improve this.


Why the script? Why, oh why? I can't stand seeing fanfics that are basically just script pieces that have hardly any description in - this story is at the moment a script piece that has a lot of description in. Seriously, to improve the overall look, feel and tone of the story - use proper dialogue. Speech marks, all that jazz. What's really annoying to me about the way you've done your dialogue is after some of them you've put what are almost like stage directions in brackets afterwards ... seriously, it's not pretty. confused.gif



Aside from the dialogue, it's a good piece. The little grammatical errors and whatnot - while they can be improved - don't have an overall bearing on how good the narrative is. But the dialogue - please, please, please don't continue it as a script. Please.



EDIT: I see Coral posted while I was drumming this reply up, hehe. I may have said some similar things, so... bear that in mind. I wasn't copying biggrin.gif

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Yeah I agree with what you say about the dialogue it is a bit poorly structured and I was thinking of downsizing the map or providing a link cos it was annoying me too!


Anyway new chapter will be up when I get home from work and I have already implemented the changes to the dialogue. I'm glad that apart from my crappy dialogue structure your enjoying it.


Yeah the argh's perhaps were a bit much but Leon was going mental so I all I could do to convey was go crazy on the keyboard, your suggestion does seem a little better and I will keep it in mind for future chapters.


Thanks very much for the review of things so far Coral_City and Eminence, here's hoping ya stay tuned!


To be honest I didn't like it too much but I thought that submitting it in full book style may not hold people attention, and I think it ended up being a mismatch. Anyway as mentioned above the dialogue has been sorted for the next installment


Eminence: Yeah grammar is never my strong point, and I expected there to be a few mistakes. I will make sure that future chapters are more gramitcally correct!

Edited by TerminalGTA
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Hehe, looks like I squeezed in just before ya. I took too long writing my reply so Coral sneaked in before me, too! tounge.gif

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Chapter Two – The Deal


Leon maintained his shock as he dropped the telephone. He knew that he wouldn’t be seeing Louis again. Leon knew that he couldn’t play games with these people; he knew that returning to Liberty City would probably see the people who pulled this stunt do exactly what they said they were going to do.


The group had been caught unawares on the heist. At no point did any think that anyone else knew and Leon was out of ideas as to who could have informed whoever was behind this about the group’s plans. One thing was for sure he didn’t have time to grieve and he didn’t have to time to wait around feeling sorry himself. He needed action, with that thought, came the searing pain of his hand which had just about stopped bleeding. Without the mist of anger he looked around to see the shell of a room that remained, he was surprised no one had come in to check what was going on. Then again in this kind of place he thought to himself it must be a common occurrence. Bumps and smashes here and there. He looked down to see a pool of blood that had smeared all over the floor into gloopy mess and it had begun to congeal on his trousers and boots. The room was a mess and no amount of money would fix it. Soon, the chamber maids would enter and see his room and no doubt suspect some sort of murder scene.


The only option Leon had was to accept Louis’ last gift to him in the shape of the phone number of a certain Alex Hart. He looked at the number and stuck it in his pocket and started packing his stuff. He picked up the suitcase of drugs and the gun which he took out of the rucksack and put it in his back pocket. He still hadn’t decided what he was going to do about the deal. His mind told him that these people could be behind what happened in Liberty City but Leon resigned himself to the possibility that showing up not only could end his life but may not be healthy for young little Anne.


He took a pace, and picked up his mobile phone from the floor and was about to ring Alex when he thought against doing that. He couldn’t trust anyone much less someone he didn’t know and giving Alex his number was not the ideal start to keep trust at a minimum. It was when he was about to leave that he made the decision he would go to the deal and meet these guys. But he would check the place out first, and make sure there was no funny business. Regardless if Leon was going to make any progress on the whereabouts of his daughter he was going to need some money to start and the money from a drugs deal would be perfect to begin with. It was a risky option but he had to take it.


Leon had grown up with criminals all his life and he knew that somewhere along the line no matter how high up or low down, there would be people in Vandenburg that would have the answers that would lead him to Annie. He was sure of it, it brought a new complexion on what had happened. He knew that someone out of heist group had to be the rat, even if they were all dead. A sure thing between criminals is that there is always someone with a mouth too big to keep a secret.


Leon walked down the steps and walked over to the front desk of the hotel and this time an older lady was behind the desk. Leon walked over as if nothing were wrong covered his hurt hand with a pocket. He grimaced as he put the hand in.


“Hey, I have had a change of plans and I want to check out now! Everything should be paid so I hope it’s no problem”, Leon said


“None at all! You just need to sign here and you’re free to go. I hope you enjoyed your stay” the Hotelier affirmed


Leon was in no mood for pleasantries and quickly and firmly walked out of the hotel where he saw Vandenburg in the light for the first time. He pulled a small map out of his back pocket and quickly made his way towards a public map on an information hoarding. He was in what was called Olympius, on 4th Street. He looked around and could see a few shops around and people going about their daily business on a bustling Monday morning, most people were at work or going to work, but not Leon his work only started later when the thugs came out to play.


He went through in his mind when the deal was and where it was to be. The deal was supposed to take place in Bellevue in a small park by the harbour at 10 pm. Santorro had crossed it on the map before Leon had got the plane to go Vandenburg.


Without wasting anymore time looking at the information board, he turned round and scouted the area out looking for a phone box. It did not take long to find one hidden round the corner, just next to an Italian restaurant. Leon picked up the phone and pushed a few coins in, and dialled the number on the paper that he had taken from Louis. After a ring or two, a voice which pierced Leon came to the phone, his accent clearly British and after that clearly from London. Leon’s solitary visit to great English capital had given him enough information to identify this man as true Londoner, or at least he thought so.


“Hello” said answered Alex in his Cockney accent


“Hey, Louis gave me your number, I’m not sure whether he ta...”


“Leon, yeah Louis told me about your situation. Where are ya? I’ll come and pick you up!” said Alex in a cordial tone


“Errrr…..” Leon groaned oblivious as he looked around for a sign and when didn’t find one he went back on the road he came from and spotted it plastered on the side of building


"4th Street, Olympius!”


“Yeah, know it well. Be there in ten minutes!”


The phone went dead and Leon took a moment to take it all in. All kinds of thoughts raced through his mind in what had been a life changing morning and he imagined Alex differently, not that he had seen him, so he expected more surprises when he actually turned up. Louis had never got round to telling Leon about Alex, only that he knew him and he had the key to his house. Leon quickly also grasped that Alex was unlikely to know that Louis was likely dead by now and he told himself that it was best not to give anything away in case Alex became quickly uncooperative.


Leon made his way back round the corner, but steered clear of the Vandenburg Inn just in case the destruction in his hotel room had been discovered and they were looking for the culprit. Across the road he spotted an old guy with a gloomy expression selling newspapers. Leon walked over, crossing the road and taking care not to be another statistic of the US Road Death Report. As he approached he could see that the man looked to be Eastern European and he stuck out a paper expectantly


“You want paper?” said the old man looking at Leon with an apparent smile




Leon pulled out a dollar note passing it to the old man and took the newspaper from the old man as he turned it over to look at the headline, which read “$70 million dollar heist in Liberty City”. It seemed to be the top news across America. It didn’t surprise him this was no doubt the biggest amount of money ever stolen from an American bank. The newspapers would have a field day and report on this story would last well into next week. He had a quick and sad thought. David would forever be remembered as a thief and thug. Someone who most people would say “Well, he probably deserved it”. Those people didn’t know what Leon and his family had been through…. And then almost like a lightning strike, Leon focused on the old man who seemed to be commenting on it to himself and noticing the added attention of Leon turned to look at Leon and kept on talking his slow drone.


“It is a crazy world we live in, eh? People have no respect, they just do what they want and they end up dead. I mean throw your life away like that! What the hell are people on nowadays?” exclaimed the old man still looking at a slightly uninterested Leon


“Yeah I guess”, Leon said trying to keep anger back


Leon thought to himself that in some respects the old man was right. People had no respect. There was no honour amongst upstanding people let alone amongst thieves.


Leon turned round and walked 20 metres up the road to a bench where he waited for Alex to arrive. He made sure he didn’t look at the front pages that concerned the heist. He didn’t want to know, maybe in the coming days he could get to terms with it all. He knew that he needed to get to terms with it and start planning how he was going to get his daughter back. Perhaps this Alex guy would have few pointers. Alex might know a few people who might know the gossip of the criminal underworld. No doubt this single event already had chins wagging, and it was precisely too much money for no one to know nothing about it. He knew that somewhere in this city there were answers, his answers. It was all a matter of finding them.


For the next 15 minutes Leon tried to keep his brother and his daughter out of his head, but it was hard, he didn’t know anything about her, but the fact that the voice seemed to insinuate that she would be alright as long as he played ball, told him there was still a chance that he would find her. Alex was late already and Leon was beginning to get nervous. He didn’t know this guy and all kinds of crazy things went through his mind, most of which he shook away, and just when he was going down the paranoia path again, a car pulled up next to him. As Leon looked up he noted it. An old white Audi Quattro that encompassed the shady figure. It might have looked the part in the mid eighties but now it just looked haggard and rust along the metallic edges was beginning to make this car look like it should have never made it to 1999. Leon looked into the window and a somewhat weedy looking guy was sitting inside, sweating like a pig.


“You must be Alex!”


“Yeah, your Leon right! Look get in, there’s a few thing I need to do before I get you Louis’ place”, Alex responded.


“Right okay” said Leon a little unsure of himself


Leon got in the car rather hesitantly, not sure of whether this guy came as friend or foe, but either way this guy was all he had. Alex didn’t wait long after Leon was in, and was on throttle and down the road at a fast pace.


“How you doing son?” asked Alex in his brash Cockney accent


“I’ve been better” said Leon trying to keep his voice under control.


“Listen, Louis told me about what happened. It’s crazy! Apparently they reckon that the police are going to close off the street next to the bank for the coming days to perform tests inside and outside the bank. They’re combing the place with a fine tooth comb.” Alex said with an almost incomprehensible accent.


“Who said that” inquired Leon


“The radio just said it a moment ago; apparently they think that there were two different groups of people now involved. There not sure who though!”


Leon responded brashly “Tell me something I don’t f*cking know!”


“Alright governor calm down, I was just saying what the said on the radio. Look mate sorry If it came out disrespectful. I thought you might like to know about what they were saying” responded Alex as if trying to calm a sieving Leon sitting next to him


“Listen I know someone screwed me and my brother over and everyone else that mattered to me. In one morning I had everything I had left taken from me and what’s more there is nothing I can do. I can’t even try and find the only thing I have left” boomed Leon in a sour voice


“Oh yeah! What’s happening?” asked Alex, looking for more information


“Let’s just say someone has me my the balls and is squeezing it like a stress ball”


“Sounds painful” Alex said giving a little yelp of laughter


Leon looked round to Alex ready to do some damage to his face. Alex new he had to diffuse the situation quickly.


“Sorry mate! Look, how about after we get my stuff, I drop you home and you tell me about it. I may know something about it or maybe someone on the street might know someone” said Alex looking for a bit of forgiveness


Leon’s face turned from the angry warrior stare to a more relaxed face and he spoke


“Okay, anyway what the hell are we going to do? You said you’re picking something up? What is it? Something dangerous?


Alex looked concentrated on the road trying not to look at Leon.


“I’m not sure whether it’s dangerous or not but it’s just round the corner. Well that is if I’m not getting the wool pulled over my eyes.”


Leon rolled his eyes trying to figure Alex’s codified response. Alex could sense that Leon glaring at him and any moment was going to ask more questions and so decided to break the tension with a better explanation


“Look there should be a package, which I need to pick up for my boss. Should only take a minute, you can stay in the car, Listen to the stereo or something.”


“It sounds like your keeping something from me. Who do you work for anyway?” asked Leon delving deeper


“Look when we get back to the Louis’ flat, I’ll tell you everything, but now I got to pick this thing up” Alex said firmly.”


Leon looked around as Alex began to pull the car up. It seemed that they had arrived and Alex jumped and quickly made his way up the road slamming his door on the way out of the car. Leon took up his offer of the stereo pushed the button in. It instantly went to mid song which he recognised as “Foreigner – I’ve Been Waiting for a Girl like You”. He sat there relaxing remembering times when he was younger and chilled with friends as they drove around town listening to this song. He remarked at how comfortable life was then.


Leon was in a dream like state and didn’t even notice Alex get back into the car.


“You alright mate?” asked Alex


Leon snapped out of the last remnants of his day dream and responded in a monotone voice


“Yeah, fine. You got what you need?”


“Yeah right here in this bag”, Alex reaffirmed his answer with a sturdy shake of the plastic bag that was dirty with mud


“You pick that out the trash?” mused Leon


“Close might behind one up there!” Alex pointed out the window up the road.


“What is it?” asked Leon observing the bag closely


“Well I’ll tell you what it’s not. It’s not my laundry. Look man, I’m just playing with you. It’s some coke that this dealer owed my boss and the deal was he put it behind the trash cans, and I come and pick up. That way police don’t see us together and we get this white gold”.


Alex tapped the bag as if he were holding a small puppy dog and he continued.


“Speaking of bags, you’ve been holding onto that suitcase there”. Alex pointed at the metal suitcase that Leon was holding


“What the hell is in that thing? Wait don’t tell me…laundry? Ha-ha….” Alex continued his laugh and even Leon had a little smile on his face.


Leon looked round and opened his mouth to speak


“Look Alex, when I hear your story I will tell you mine!” exclaimed Leon


Alex looked at him and smirked.


“Fair enough, Leon, mate! Better get out of here anyway before we attract any unwanted attention.”


Alex turned the key to Audi and the engine roared into place as Alex turned back into the road and sped away from the area. He turned the corner and silence spread out within the car. Only the noise of the outer world and the engine could be heard. Leon was sure that the engine timing was out on the old white speed mobile. The very thought brought a slight laugh to him. Alex turned in surprised curiosity.


“What you laughing at?” Alex asked


“This hunk of junk you’re driving!” exclaimed Leon laughing a bit more


Alex looked at him in surprise once more and then frowned.


“What you talking about this car is great, wouldn’t trade it for the world. Had it since 1988 and I am damn sure keeping it until I crash it or it gives up on me.”


“Well you better hope that it doesn’t breakdown for the final time when you need to get away quick!” as another rush of laughter came to Leon.


“Funny story actually about that. Back in 1997, we did a job in Langley.” Alex paused


Leon looked at him with interest etched on his face.


“Yeah we were in Langley to do a job and the Ruskey’s weren’t too happy about it and it was time to get the hell going. I get in the old lass and I turn the key and nothing. I start panicking and sh*t and all of sudden I’m thinking that’s it I’m dead. I mean seriously there were about 20 of these Cossacks and every one packing major heat. So there I am starting to see the pretty lights of heaven and bam, she explodes a plume of smoke out the back of her blinding half these guys and I’m off. Ever since then I new that this car was lucky.” Alex tapped the dashboard like he was comforting her from Leon previously harsh words.


Leon looked at Alex and said,


“You know I like you already but you damn sure missing brain cells. If anything the cars unlucky. If she did what she was supposed to, you wouldn’t of nearly had your ass blown off,


Alex looked at Leon with a little smile on his face


“You don’t get it man; it’s a sign that this car is lucky.”


“If you say so!” responded Leon dismissively.


Alex pulled out of the street and into a new one that looked a lot more homely


“Where are we?” Leon asked


“This is Park Green, nice neighbourhood. Not top dollar, but nice. Never knew why Louis left this place. Well actually I know why he left but I don’t know why he stayed in Liberty City.”


“So did you know him before he went to county?” asked Leon


“Yeah, believe it or not we used to work at the Vandenburg Bank. After Louis got sent to prison they sacked a sh*t load of people and I was one of those people. Hey it worked out well for me. I make three times what I did at the bank.”


“But you always got the risk that you might end up dead or in prison” added Leon


“That is true, but I guess you take the same risks as I do so you understand the attractions.”


“I didn’t have the opportunities. I wish I didn’t have to do what I do!” Leon remarked looking out the window


“But you enjoy it, nobody holding a gun to your headed, making you do this”.


Leon looked round at Alex


“Yeah I guess I do enjoy it”


They pulled up to a high rise flat in the middle of Park Green and Alex turned off the engine. The flat looked nice and well kept but you could see that the local criminals had been in action from the night before. Leon spotted two syringes strewn across the grass outside the apartments. Clearly drugs seemed to be a big problem in Vandenburg.


“We’re here man, this Casa Louis!” said Alex


“Hmmm…not bad, I thought he’d have a little shack round the corner from a brothel so I guess it is better than I thought it would be”.


Alex looked round to face Leon


“Yeah it ain’t bad, but at night it gets a bit rough especially around this area. f*cking Yardies everywhere pushing smack around and whores on every street corner” exclaimed Alex.


“Shall we go inside; I want to check where I am going to be staying for the foreseeable future.”


“Louis said you were only staying for a week, before you skip town?” responded Alex


“Change of plan, I’m staying for a while. I guess you will find out more about it all later.”


“You still going tell me all about your adventures, sunshine? Responded Alex cheekily.


“Guess so!” responded Leon nonchalantly.


The pair went up the stairs and Alex stopped outside a door that was poorly painted and had clearly seen a bit of wear and tear. Alex took the key from his pocket and opened the door. He swung the door open and Leon was struck by the mess that was in the house. Alex saw the reaction of shock in Leon’s face and interrupted his thought process.


“Hey man, I meant to clean this sh*t up. Last Thursday things got a bit crazy.”


“Looks like a f*cking bomb hit it!”


“It just needs a little clean, governor” exclaimed Alex


“Well you’re f*cking doing it; hey you can do it while I’m gone.”


“Where you going?” asked Alex


“I got things to do later on.” Leon shifted his posture and looked at Alex and thought that it was time to come clean. They sat down in the kitchen and for the next hour Leon proceeded to tell Alex all that had happened from the past and what happened at the heist. The only part he left out was that something had happened to Louis, he wasn’t sure how Alex would react. He did however tell Alex all about his brother’s death, his missing daughter and the drug deal later that day.”


Alex was aghast. His face told a story of stunned surprise at what he had just heard, as he pushed out some words.


“So what you going to do now?”


“I don’t know. I figure this deal later on could be important. I got a feeling they know something.”


“Yeah but it could be a set up to f*cking waste you” said Alex firmly.


“Yeah but either way I need to do it. Plus I need the money” responded Leon


Alex looked at Leon


“Hey man, you know I don’t know you that well, but I reckon you’re okay. I got a few things coming up and I can use someone to help out.” Alex said hoping for a positive response.


“I don’t know man; I will have to see what happens with this” said Leon firmly


“Hey about this deal today. You need backup?”


“Nah, man if they see someone else it may spook them. Probably best I do this myself. “


“Fair enough! Well I had better be going!” Alex began making a move for the door.


Leon put an arm on his shoulder and stopped him


“Hey you never told me who you worked for?”


Alex turned round to face Leon, “Oh yeah! I work for Franky Lucelli.”


Leon twisted his face thinking the name sounded familiar but he couldn’t remember any person by that name clearly.


“Who’s he?” asked Leon


“He’s connected man, Alcamo family! Anyway man I got to fly. Hey phone me when you’re out of the deal and I will come and see you. Be interesting to hear all about these guys. Oh and…try to stay alive.”


Leon tapped him on the shoulder


“Okay, man…and thanks for all you done!”


“No probs! A friend of Louis is friend of mine”.


With that Alex exited the apartment leaving the key on the desk as he left. Leon started thinking to himself once more about the matter at hand. The deal was later and he needed to be ready for anything.


9.55 pm Bellevue Park


Leon had been cowering behind a wall just inside the park. He had still not seen anyone come in or out. But he doubted he would. The Park was secluded and trees covered most of it. It was hard to spot people with only the light of the moon to help. Leon decided it was time to meet these guys. He walked along the path, suitcase in hand and saw the fountain that Santorro had expressly told him he would meet the persona incognita. His mind was going through the emotions. He was nervous but not scared, if anything the chief emotion was excitement. He wanted to meet these people and question them. He was prepared to put a bullet between their eyes if there answers weren’t the right ones.


Several hours passed and Leon’s excitement soon turned to anxious waiting to see if they would show. Most people would have left by 11 pm fearing a police sting but not Leon, he desperately wanted to meet these people but even he at 2 am had to concede that no one was going to show.


It made no sense to him and as he walked back to the apartment he thought about where this fitted in with the rest of what had happened. He went through the possibilities and the most plausible one was that the days events had frightened them away, but he couldn’t be sure and knew that he needed to get rid of the cocaine inside the suitcase.


Just as he got outside the apartment and he was thinking about what to do, he noticed that Alex was waiting outside and when he saw him he started walking over.


“Hey, so how it go?”


“Didn’t happen at all” Leon responded angrily


“Did you change your mind?” Alex asked


“Nah, they never showed”


“Weird sh*t man” said Alex bamboozled by the whole thing.


Alex followed Leon up the stairs and into the apartment and they started talking about what had happened. They both agreed that most likely explanation was that they had been spooked by it all. Alex then grabbed the case from the table where Leon had placed it and tried to open it, but couldn’t


“So what you going to do with this then?”


“I need to get rid of it somehow. I’m going to throw the suitcase into the sea and hope that the feds don’t find it.” Leon said without much conviction


“That’s a bad idea man, with the tide it’ll come right back. Why don’t you open it and put it down the drain then you know that whatever happens they can’t trace it back to you” said Alex.


Leon got up and went over to the window.


“I ain’t got the key for it!”


“You ain’t got the key for your own briefcase?” exclaimed Alex


“No, it’s Santorro’s case and when I asked him he said that the guy would have the key for the case. Santorro said that’s how they wanted it.”


Alex looked around and then his eyes lit up


“Listen, I got a tool kit in the back of my car. It should have a drill and crowbar. We can open this! Seriously throwing it into the sea is as good as handing it in at a police station.”


Leon looked round and nodded


“Okay let’s open this then.


Alex ran down to the car and brought up enough tools to fix a formula 1 car right there and then and they went to work on the case. It took well over an hour but one of Leon’s crowbar shots seemed to break the latch. Leon dropped the crowbar and knelt to open the case.


He opened the case and his heart froze like ice, there were no drugs, only a couple of Liberty City yellow pages…




Please leave feedback!

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Good chapter! Long, but a nice read! wink.gif


I enjoyed Alex's story about what happened to him in Langley - that was a very nice touch.


Good twist at the end, too. So, it seems Santorro must have been behind it all?

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Glad you enjoyed the second chapter Eminence,


I have the story set, so I won't be saying to much about the future but you can expect many more twists and turns as Leon tries to find his daughter and gets to terms with Vandenburg


user posted image


Chapter Three

An Offer You Can’t Refuse


The previous nights events had taken their toll on Leon, and when he awoke around noon he was still tired. The overwhelming day that he had to endure had worn him out mentally. He lost so much in one day, that part of him was lost too.


Leon got up from his bed and walked over to the window and recalled the night’s events. Alex Hart had left reasonably soon after the metal suitcase had been open. There was no more need for him and he had concluded that Leon probably needed to be alone.


Leon could not understand it it, things didn't make sense in his mind. If Santorro hadn’t been killed on the same day of the heist, then he could have believed that he had been set along with the others, but he was dead, his body still hot from the flames that licked round his Porsche, in which he took his last ride. It was obvious that someone else was involved all along. The only hypothesis that Leon could surmise was that Santorro knew that something wasn’t right before the heist and so he made up this drug deal to keep Leon away from any danger.


Leon thought some more and he remembered that Santorro had always been there for him in the past and perhaps the deal was the last act of a desperate man trying to save an adopted son. But it didn’t make sense, why didn’t Santorro just call of the deal if he suspected that something wasn’t right. That was the part that Leon didn’t get. Santorro seemed to have basically sacrificed everyone and eventually himself. Perhaps he couldn’t pull out, someone wouldn’t let him, Leon thought. It had long occurred to him that behind the scenes Santorro had a lot of associates, that not only were never introduced to Leon, but were hardly ever seen. It was anyone's guess who might have been pulling the strings behind Mike Santorro.


Leon shook his head trying to shake out the cobwebs as he spotted Alex outside walking down the street. Leon turned round and hastily made his way downstairs to meet him.


“f*ck me Leon, still in the same clothes. You not turning into a bum are you?” Said Alex laughing


“What do you expect? This whole f*cking thing left me with nothing. All I have is a couple of tops and this pair of jeans. I wasn’t supposed to be here past today” responded Leon trying to diffuse Alex’s laughter.


Alex’s laughter seemed to be dissipating as he turned round to look at the road, trying to spot someone.


“Where’s that f*cking newspaper guy, he’s normally around” said Alex


“Why you want him? What you need a paper for?”


“Seen the news today?


Leon shook his head


“Police are looking for the people who took the money at the bank in the Vandenburg area apparantley. They had to reveal it because of the freedom of information crap. They had to say where they were focusing their investigations.”


Leon’s eyes opened in amazement. He was sure that it had to be a goon from Liberty City. Maybe even one of the mafia families in the city. For someone to tell him that the culprits could be in Vandenburg was certainly shocking news, but not bad news. At least he knew that he could continue searching for them if they were in Vandenburg, rather than Liberty City where he couldn’t even go near.


“How do they know where the hell these guys come from or where they operate?”


“Seems like a witness came forward, said the plates were Vandenburg plates, but the asshole couldn’t identify the make of van or anyone in it…and some of the money appeared here, nothing big. It was like $500 but the serial numbers on the cash matched up to the stolen ones.”


“So those bastards can’t even spend the money” proclaimed Leon


“Well no, the police are fearful that the money has already been exchanged in the Vandenburg areas. They reckon that it’s all be filtered through thousands of different bank accounts. Real high end sh*t.”


“What was this money doing around then?”


“They’re not sure; they say they found it in an abandoned car. Must have been one they used, but because they have no witnesses they can’t be sure that it has anything to do with it. They think that the money may have been passed on and since it was such a small sum it could have passed as legit.”


“I understand less and less every time. It just keeps getting more and more complicated… I get the feeling that this drug deal is connected to all this sh*t. I don’t know how but if Santorro weren’t dead. I would have been at his door asking him why?” Leon said


“Yeah but you know he’s dead, so even if he did set you up on this drug deal. He got his!” Alex responded


Leon scratched his head


“Yeah, I’m not sure he set me up. Maybe he did it because he knew something was up.” Leon said probing Alex for his opinion


“Who knows? I doubt you will ever find out. Just forget about it.” Alex said conservatively.


Leon looked at Alex with a gleam of anger


“What am I supposed to do forget about it all and move on? Forget about my daughter and my bro?”


Alex took a step back


“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying what use is it going through it all constantly. Just forget about it for now and get your head straight, governor.”


“I f*cking can’t” bellowed Leon


Leon turned away from Alex and started walking back towards the apartment.


“Hey man. Chill out! Listen I will call you later or something. Yeah?”


Leon turned round for a second


“Look I need a few hours to myself. I know your trying to help but your f*cking getting in my way.”


Alex looked at Leon with a face of disgust


“Listen, you f*cking prick! I f*cking did a little more than help you out! I don’t even f*cking know you and on the say so of a guy ,I ain’t seen for years I saved your f*cking starving ass and kept it off the streets. So show me a little f*cking respect.” Alex shouted back at Leon.


Leon walked over and grabbed Alex by the shirt and lifted him up so that it was uncomfortable. Leon’s six foot two frame dominating Alex, and menacing him.


“You better get the f*ck out of here before I start kicking your ass” threatened Leon.


Alex pulled himself away from Leon


“Shut up, you c*nt” Alex’s response cockney personified.


Alex began walking away down the street a little quicker than normal just in case Leon was following. Leon was fuming and walked back to his apartment, with an idea to break a few things once more. He quickly calmed down. Almost like his conscience kicked in, he realised that Alex was trying to help. It wasn’t so much remorse but annoyance that the whole incident had occurred.


Leon walked into the kitchen and contemplated opening the fridge to have a look at what he could eat, but something dragged him away telling him he wasn’t really hungry. There was nothing else to do but sleep and zone out of this world that had punished him so.


Several hours passed and a shocked Leon awoke spinning round to look at the alarm clock. It was almost six o’clock and he wondered how he had slept so long. Then he realised that he had not woken by a half chance but it was a strange muffled sound coming from the lounge. He got up, still in his briefs and walked into the lounge letting his hearing take dominance over his eyes and was looking for that persistant repetitive sound. It sounded like a phone ringing at the bottom of the ocean. His gaze looked over at the dormant remnant of the suitcase that had taken so much punishment just a day before. Leon walked over and the ringing got louder, it was clearly coming from inside the suitcase. Leon turned it round from it’s position strewn open upside down and the two yellow pages dropped out.


Leon brought the briefcase closer to his ear but the volume did not increase. His broad figure looked down and crouched as the ringing got louder again. The ringing was coming from the books.


Leon took a moment of quiet contemplation and open the nearest book. As he opened it. He cursed himself for not spotting this before. The yellow pages had been carved open to conceal something, the expected object…a mobile phone.


Leon lifted it out and looked at it. The number was disguised and told nothing of the caller. The suspense made his heart jump as he brought it to his ear and pressed the button that he predicted would release the trapped voice inside.


And for a moment there was nothing…it shattered Leon’s nerves and he had to brake it.




A muffle or two came back and Leon was greeted by what he could only describe as a metallic sounding voice that clearly had a menace about it, it seemed to echo inside Leon's ear.


“Mr.Adams, consider my next words very carefully, as I have an offer, I’m sure you won’t refuse…”


(I felt the chapter needed to end here. I reckon making smaller chapters may help people follow the story better. Please leave feedback. As I'm not sure anyone apart from Eminance is even reading. Thanks a lot for Eminance for always giving your two cents' it really helps and your fair and give advice that is always useful.)

Edited by TerminalGTA
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This looks real interesting. I'ma bookmark it and catch up on it when I have free time.

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Another great chapter. One of my favourite things about it so far is that it's all actually building somewhere - I can tell that it's been planned out beforehand and I can see that everything is building up... very nicely, too.


Nothing wrong with this one really, it's a solid chapter to advance the story a little more. Good job, keep it up! smile.gif





- and, with regards to other people not reading it. It's a shame if they don't, because this truly is one of the higher quality pieces here. Anyone who has yet to read it truly should - it's a good piece. Smaller chapters may help for now before the whole thing gets too advanced, but they need to get started! tounge.gif

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Definitely one of the best GTA fics on here! wow.gif


I've read it all but kind of quickly though, so I'll have to go back and re-read it properly sometime.


Can't wait for the next part though!

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I'd like to thank everyone who commented on this story. I'm glad that your enjoying the story and I look forward to trying to captivate your minds further.


user posted image


Chapter Four

A Nice Little Game


The voice continued to be continued harshly without after a pause for Leon to acclimatise to this new situation


“Leon we’re going to play a little game. A little game of I tell you to do something and you do it, or little girls get shot.”


Leon couldn’t keep himself calm and exploded


“You f*cking son of a bitch. Where the f*ck is my daughter? You sick f*ck!”


The voice gave a little laugh clearly basking in it’s dominance of the situation.


“Leon, Leon, Leon…your not asking the write question. You should be asking what can I do for you so you don’t put a 9 mm gun to my daughter’s head and blow her brains all over the floor.”


Leon grimaced that at least what he said was part true.


“Now let me tell you the rules of the game” said the voice wanting to move on.


“If you don’t do what I say, when I say to do it, or deviate in any way from what I said, I kill her. If you try and find me and I think you get close, I kill her. You call the cops, I kill her, in fact if you tell anyone about our little game, you can consider her in the past tense. Are we clear?”


Leon could not make up his mind whether the voice he heard now was the same as the previous one on Louis phone but it was clear that they were linked.


“Crystal clear…how long does this last and when do I see my daughter.”


“Until I say so. You don’t call the shots here Leon, I do!”


Leon was trying to recall from memory if the voice gave anything away, but it was so monotone that he wouldn’t have been amazed if it was someone automated from a computer or voice distortion device


“You see Leon, you and your f*cking friends thought you were so f*cking clever. You planned for months but you with that planning came complacency. You never saw it coming Leon. You dumb f*ck! Leon your brother is dead because you were too stupid.”


Leon could see that he was getting antagonised, and the voice laughed before continuing


“Ha, I thought you would bite!”


“Enough of this sh*t. You want to play this game then tell me what I need to do. All I want to know is how I get back my daughter.”


The voice gave a short laugh.


“The question is how long can you work for me before getting dead. Leon I suggest you start getting words like when, can’t, and won't out of your system. You do what I tell you to do, when I say to do it. That is all you need to know.”


Leon was clearly frustrated by it all. He saw a scenario where he did all this crap and his daughter still wound up dead but he couldn’t call his bluff it was too risky and plus he had already killed four people that he knew of, so this would be no different. Leon knew that for now he would have to do what he asked.


“Okay! I will do what you want” Leon said with some reluctance


There was a clear pause as Leon thought what to say.


“Phone me you need whatever you need done.”


“I am phoning you Leon and I need you now. There is a cop arriving in Vandenburg today. I want you to kill him.”


Leon was shocked he expected some dangerous job, but dangerous to himself like a drug deal or something of that sort. He didn’t expect he would have to kill anyone much less a police officer.


“What the f*ck? Kill a cop, that’s suicide. I can’t do that.”


“Well Leon, someone has to die, either it’s a bent cop, or a little girl. Which one is it? You got five second Leon…I ain’t taking no more of your sh*t.”


Leon was pressed into a corner. If he accepted he would be a wanted man for sure. You couldn’t kill a cop and get away with it, but if he didn’t accept then the game would be over and little Annie…killed.


“Tick…tock…tick…tock, which one Leon? Come on my trigger finger is getting very anxious.


Leon’s decision was made for him


“Okay, okay I will do it”


The voice laughed at the clear difference distress in Leon


“I knew you’d come through. Little Annie seems to be happy too. ..f*ck this I’ll kill her anyway…


Leon’s heart jumped out his mouth


“No!” bellowed Leon down the phone.


The voice was clearly amused by all of this


“Ha…ha. I’m just f*cking with Leon, if you play ball Annie gets to keep her brains inside her skull.”


Leon’s anger was rising and his face screwed up to reveal the demon inside waiting to burst and destroy everything.


“You f*cking bastard. I’m going to f*cking kill you” shouted Leon


“Sure ya are?!” the voice laughed off.


“Hey Leon, the cop is going to be in Vandenburg at 8pm today. Get there waste him and anyone with him. No witnesses! Remember Leon I can see you all the time so don’t do anything stupid.”




This Chapter is shorter because I did not want to go past the conversation to give you a little bit of writer's insight. It is supposed to be sharp and sweet as Leon moves from confusion to a clear mission/trial.


As always this story lives on people leaving feedback and telling me where I can improve and your thought. Even you just want to say your theory on the conspiracy. Thank you to everyone who reads.

Edited by TerminalGTA
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Decent chapter. It's a little dialogue heavy, but I guess that can be explained by the fact that it's intentionally just the telephone conversation to bridge it to the next installment.


Anyway, a couple things:



The voice continued to be continued harshly without after a pause for Leon to acclimatise to this new situation


Honestly, I don't think I need to tell you what's wrong here. wink.gif



“Leon, Leon, Leon…your not asking the write question.


'Write' should be 'right' - watch out for those little mixups! tounge.gif


Now, with regards to a few other things - there's a couple lines where you're missing the final piece of punctuation off the end, for example the full stop or the closing speech marks - it just seems a little weird the way it's missing in a few places - so watch out for that!


Also, regarding speech:



“Sure ya are?!” the voice laughed off.


“Hey Leon, the cop is going to be in Vandenburg at 8pm today. Get there waste him and anyone with him. No witnesses! Remember Leon I can see you all the time so don’t do anything stupid.”


This sort of thing happened twice, I think. If it's the same person speaking, keep it in the same paragraph, so you'd just put "Hey Leon..." after "the voice laughed off" - there's no need for a new line. smile.gif


Good, anyway. The best thing so far is how the story is progressing - it's great to see that it genuinely is leading somewhere, which leads me into saying I can't wait for the next chapter!

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Cheers for the heads up eminance, I see what you mean and will take it on board. I keep doing that repeated word sh*t, my mind seems to just not see it LOL! Will have to be more vigilant


user posted image


Chapter Five

To Kill a Conscience


Leon’s blood was boiling, but he knew he needed to focus and do what had been asked of him. It was all he could do. Leon dropped the phone and went into the bedroom to grab his gun. He would need the sordid tool to do the sordid deed. There was a moment halfway between Leon entering the room and finding the gun that he thought what If I just don’t do it. How would he know? His mind instantly told him that the risk was too great. It had also occurred to him that mysteriously in the heat of the moment he had forgotten the most important thing. He had never asked to speak to his daughter or any proof that his daughter was with this malicious voice. The owner of the voice had been so convincing that Leon had believed everything he said without having to hear proof, but he wished he had heard her voice just appease his worried mind.


Leon put the gun in the back of his pants and grabbed his coat. He now had less than an hour and half to get there and time was still progressing in its infinite course forward something he could not change, however much he wished. He would have to find transportation, he thought to himself that taking the bus or any other form of public transport would be as good as crawling back after killing the cop. He needed a car, but the problem that he, no car and no one to drive him. He would need to “borrow” one for a while.


Leon rushed down the stairs of the apartment and burst out the doors as if the building were about to explode and then it dawned on him, he had no clue what this guy looked like and no idea where he was getting in. At the time he assumed it was by plane but he could just easily be arriving in a car or a ferry. Now it was too late to ask for direction from the mystery man but just at that point, some salvation was granted to Leon as his right trouser pocket beeped and he knew that he was being contacted. He pulled the phone from the pocket and he could see that it was not a call but a text message. It read


“Leon, plane lands at 8, don’t be late”.


Leon was glad that it cleared up where he had to be, but it didn’t confirm anything else. Through Stamford Airport came over 10 million people a year and there would be thousands there today. To find one person would be hard enough with their flight details and best laid plans but with nothing it was going to be even harder. But Leon could not fail and he felt a little flutter in his heart with the thought that he might fail the job that meant so much.


Leon walked around for a bit before scouting a nice new Pontiac Firebird parked in the small car park of a store. It gleamed it the falling sun ,an orange glow on its shiny black exterior. Just like its name the light mimicked flames licking at side of the car as if she had just rode in from hell herself.


Leon approached looking round and making sure that no one was looking his way. As he approached ,the gleam on the car changed and he could see himself in it, the sight of himself slowly approaching the car, gave him a spook, almost as if he had spotted himself even if no one else had.


The car was secluded to a degree, the car park was on no main road and a simple glance outside the store would not indicate much. Leon grabbed him gun from his trousers and held it by the barrel. Looking round Leon, could see no one looking at him. He brought down the gun handle on the glass window and it shattered into a thousand pieces. It seemed a shame to Leon that he had effectively spoilt such a beautiful object but he needed this car over hell or high water. Leon opened the door from the inside and was thankful that no alarm had gone off. He had anticipated one but none came. As Leon climbed in he instantly reached under the steering wheel and pulled the plastic covering that encased the ignition wires. With the touch of a mechanic he had the Firebird purring, when a frantic woman came running out of the store clearly incensed. It was her car and she was not about to let anyone take it.


Leon locked the car into reverse and floored the throttle as the car screeched backwards over the raised pavement and into the open street, as Leon changed gears into first and punched the throttle again he was gone, leaving the woman to search frantically for her phone to call the robbery in.


It had not been a new experience for Leon, he’d stolen cars before in his younger years, but purely for pleasure and within an hour he would be out of it, dumping the vehicle wherever he could.


As Leon began moving further away from the store he began to calm down and drive with less speed. He was on time to make it to the airport, but at this time, traffic could be bad coming from that area as people left the airport to go home. The last thing Leon wanted was to have to dump the car and make his way on foot, for now all was good on the streets and Leon could think of the person who was behind this.


Leon thought about why this cop needed to die. Why had he been picked for extermination? Certainly the answer was not going to come without first hand information that the requester of the sordid action would have to supply, but Leon could speculate. Was this guy connected to the robbery somehow, or was he simply a cop getting close to the truth. Leon even contemplated that if the later were true maybe telling him about his case may help.


Leon knew however for now he had to obey what he had been asked to do. The mere thought that he could have caused his daughter’s death chilled his soul. He was sure that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t do everything for his daughter. He put his hand on his gun and brought it back out again, placing it on the passenger seat. Now it was time for action, Leon was leaving his feelings behind, this was business.


After a few traffic problems Leon arrived at the airport terminal and waited in his car, still on time. Even at this time of the night the airport was still a bustling centre of movement. People dragging luggage in and out of the terminal. There were people on their phones, perhaps telling loved ones that they had arrived or were about to leave. In front of Leon was a long line of taxi’s and the drivers had got out and congregated. They were laughing and talking amongst each other perhaps sharing the gossip of the day and telling friend’s who they had had in their cabs. None of this concerned Leon, all he was looking out for was a police man, accompanied by two other people. He wasn’t sure how he would know who it was


Then a shocking sickening thought came into his brain, what if it was all a lie, just a madman messing with him before he murdered his daughter. Leon looked at himself in the car mirror and told himself that he needed to stop thinking up scenarios. He needed to focus.


The clock in the car had reached 8 pm, and Leon got out of the car putting the gun back in his trousers making sure that it was well concealed. He knew he couldn’t go in and if he was loitering around someone would come and ask him what he was doing eventually. He realised he had not planned this at well, he hadn’t the time to plan it. He looked around and spotted four CCTV cameras seeing the front of the Terminal and as he walked around he spotted at least another fifteen or so, for sure he could do nothing here at the airport. There were too many cameras and too many people. He would need to follow them as they left, the question was could he spot them in the first place.


As time went by and Leon was growing in nervousness, it seemed that no one would come. Just when Leon was losing heart he spotted inside the terminal, a group of men in suits, but the interesting observation was the badges that they wore clearly displayed on their belts. He had his men. He was sure. Leon could also spot the main target, he was carrying a case, and the others were carrying nothing, he surmised that the short fat man on the left was the man that was the true target. The other two men were much larger and thinner. One had greying hair showing his advancing years but Leon conceeded he would still be a force to be reckoned with a fight. The other was much younger with dark hair. He was wearing sunglasses and seemed to be enjoying the conversation going on.


All three men exited the terminal and walked by Leon, unknowing of his sinister intentions. As they walked past Leon, they stopped by what looked like a cab driver and barked some indistinguishable orders and the man quickly loaded the luggage into the boot and then everyone got into the taxi, not before the two associates got their guns out and held them in their hands.


Leon for a moment thought that they suspected his presence but as the taxi started to move he knew that this was not true. Leon walked briskly back to the Firebird and began following leaving a good margin between the cars.


The taxi went across town until they were in the downtown area, Leon had not had a chance to see it yet but it was full of large department stores and what looked like office buildings, it was all very clean and a few parks could be seen on side streets. The whole ambience was busy but well kept. Suddenly the cab stopped near a store and all the occupants got out including the taxi driver. After unloading the bag, he was paid and was quickly off back the way he came, no doubt back to the taxi queue at the airport.


Leon stopped in front of where the men were, stopping his car round the corner. He quickly jumped out and the men were walking his way. Leon began walking that way too but making sure that his pace was much slower. The men passed Leon, but as they did that they cut across him to walk down a small alley that led to another main road, perpendicular to the one they left. The alley cut directly through the buildings, which cast a shadow down on the whole area. Leon followed and knew instantly that the strike had to happen now.


Leon holstered his gun silently but almost as if the men had eyes in the back of their heads they turned and began drawing their guns. Leon fired the first shot as he moved towards the right hand wall that constricted the men from diving out of the way. Almost instantaneously the old man was down and bleeding from the chest. The younger man fired a bullet which missed Leon by a whisker and continued onwards into the main road, as people began noticing the sounds of gunfire around the area. Leon’s trigger finger quivered as he pushed another bullet out his gun, which lodged itself right into the younger man’s head. The main target had began running dropping his case, but his run was futile and his motion cut short as Leon fired another bullet which penetrated the man’s back. Leon walked over calmly and finished the job with a bullet that perforated the man’s head, the hollow look in his eyes reflecting his now dead state.


Adrenaline pulsed through Leon as he tried to act calm and walk back to his car through the main road, all his legs wanted to do was run, but he knew this would attract attention to himself. As Leon approached the car he began a small jog, that he could not control and within a second he had sped away. He felt empowered a little by what had happened, he was surprised, but assumed that it would not be the last time he would have to kill especially in his current situation.


When he got far enough away he stopped the car by a set of dingy houses well out of the downtown area. He looked at the phonebook in the phone and there was nothing, all he could do was wait for a call, then after about five minutes it came. The monotone voice arrived and Leon’s anger flared almost instantly, like an allergic reaction to the voice.


“Have you done it?”


“Yes” Leon barked back


“Good, you will here from me soon, until then try to stay alive…oh and don’t worry about little Annie, she’s just fine…for now.”


“Wait a minute that was f*cking stupid tonight. I didn’t even know who the guy was; you didn’t give me any f*cking information. You gave me jacksh*t. Remember that if I hadn’t killed him then he’d still be alive now and no doubt he would be causing you problems. If you want a job done well, give me what I need” proclaimed Leon


“Well Leon, that all depends on how much time you waste with your bullsh*t. You keep your mouth shut and just say yeah, and then you might find I give you a little help, next time. Now shut up and f*ck off, you’re pissing me off and I go a little crazy when I’m pissed off. You know Leon…wouldn’t want to shoot anyone because you made me angry”.


The phone dial tone came and Leon was back on his own, the job was done but it was clear it would not be the last one he would have to do. The mystery man had convinced Leon that it was best to just do what he asked and hope that eventually he would give back Annie…but could he trust such a person…

Edited by TerminalGTA
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He would need the sordid tool to do the sordid deed.


I think this may be intentional ... but it just jumped out at me regardless. tounge.gif



and it shattered into a thousand pieces.


This, too, jumped out at me. Into 'a thousand pieces'? C'mon, you can think of something better to say than that - it's a little cliche! wink.gif


A little further on, I noticed this:



taxi's / friend’s


Little grammatical mistake, but it really annoyed me! Watch out for it - just because it ends in 's', it doesn't necessitate an apostrophe.



Anyway, that aside, great chapter. I got a little lost in the description of him tailing the cops - it seemed to drag out a little longer than necessary - but overall good. I especially liked the way you're delving into Leon's mind, revealing his personality - it adds a lot to the story.


Good job! smile.gif

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Thanks once again mate for your critique, always useful.


The first two are actually intentional, but I see what you mean that it is cliche, but I guess in my mind when the glass shattered it was a thousand pieces I saw, but I will keep in mind that it is overused


The last one...well every English teacher I ever had always use to say that I shouldn't do it but I still do...it's like the repeated word thing, I can't get it out of my system.


Glad your still reading and that you think the plot is good, that means a lot.

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Lilley Hill

Just want to say that I really enjoy reading what you write - it's keeping me gripped and can't wait for the next installment. Chapter 5 was was exciting and apart from the small grammatical errors that Emminence mentioned, it was suspense-filled and exciting. I liked the way the scene where Leon was chasing the 3 cops didn't drag on - there was a quick pace which meant the excitement wasn't lost.


In this and in previous chapters the way we're given an insight into Leon's character is really good. I think we have a fairly good idea what he's like and that makes us more attached the character and thus the story. We could perhaps have a little more info on Anne and what she's like. This would make Leon's relationship with Anne more real and engaging - so far in the story he obviously loves her and wants her back, but she sometimes gets forgotten and i don't get the feeling that he is as upset as he should be. He seems more angry at her kidnappers than upset that she has been taken. Just my thoughts!!


Apart from that, I love reading it and keep it coming!

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Thanks for all the comments guys and I will try and get some of the advice into my next chapter, for now I am taking a break from this project. Just for a few weeks, which should also allow me to better understand what I already have as the plot and to expand on that.


Cheers for all the comments!



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Aww, shame to hear, I've been looking forward to the next installment of this! Still, I'd much rather you analysed it a little and made it as good as possible as opposed to rushing it, so take all the time you need. smile.gif

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