Niko's first night

[jake whitehead]

PART 1

 

5.50am in a dark street just off the BOABO overpass

 

Niko leaves a bar, tipsy and staggering all over the place; he is new to the area and doesn’t know where he is!

 

He busts the window of a nearby car and begins to hotwire the vehicle

 

 

after several minutes of fumbling with the wires, the owner of the car, a tall muscular man, bearing tattoos with the letters “LCGB” leaves the same bar as Niko left

 

"hey, f*ckface, what you doing to my car"

 

Niko turns to the guy and slowly but surely reaches for his gun

 

"I said hey f*ckface, WHAT YOU DOING TO MY CAR"!

 

Niko pulls his 8mm from his back pocket and raises above the car door before shooting the guy three times in the chest

 

Niko grins and says "What’s it look like, f*ckface"

 

The guy lays there gasping for breath before eventually stopping his attempts.

 

A woman who happens to turn the corner at this exact moment, who seems to be dressed most inappropriately for this neighbourhood and time. She is ill lit though she seems to be wearing a red dress with a strapped back and beautiful draping jewellery.

 

She stops in her tracks and turns around to face the other direction, she begins walking, and slowly picks up the pace

 

Niko in his drunken state finally starts the car and begins his slow pursuit of the woman.

 

Niko-"hey baby, looking for a good time"

 

woman-"look man I’ve got a kid, he’s only young, look please..."

 

Niko-"GET IN"

 

she enters the vehicle hastily, Niko looks with undressing eyes.

 

Niko-"I’ve had a long trip over here, I’m a little tired and get quite nervous around women, are you comfortable"

 

Woman-"look just let me go"

 

Niko" I said ARE YOU COMFORTABLE"

 

The women furiously tries the handle to the door

 

Niko-"I wouldn’t have done that, if I was you"

 

He raises his pistol once again to the woman’s head, tension looms over the car before Niko says- "GET THE f*ck OUT OF MY CAR"

 

She exits and runs down the street as fast as she can, only to hear the revving of Niko’s engine

 

He speeds toward her and crashes into her with a thud, she flies over the bonnet and lays motionless on the other side of the car

 

Niko-"you really think I’m gonna mess up my f*cking interior, this cars new baby"

 

He drives of into the night with a smug grin!

 

 

PART 2

 

Niko wakes in a dirty room and begins to focus in on his alarm clock, which appears to say 9.03

 

He stands up dry mouthed and surrounded by empty cans.

Aside of him he sees a shadow of a woman on the wall!

 

He reaches for his gun, which quietly he cocks and heads towards the bathroom

 

upon reaching the bathroom he sees a women in the shower naked and dancing around.

 

He creeps up on the woman, opens the shower door and places the gun firmly in her back,

 

Niko-"Who are you, and what are you doing here"?

 

Lady-"hey, easy tiger, if only you were this feisty last night"

 

Niko-"you didn’t answer my question"

 

lady-"I’m Michelle, REMEMBER?"

 

Niko-"What are you doing here?"

 

Michelle-"erm.... ok, if you wanna play this game then well play"

 

Niko glance to the bed and pushes her towards it

 

Niko-"sit down"

She sits down, just on the edge of the bed

 

Michelle-"listen, I don’t know how much you had to drink last night but if you don't start treating me better, your gonna be in a lot of trouble"

 

Niko stares deep into the eyes of Michelle for several minutes. He begins to see why he has picked her up, she is wrapped in a small towel, which emphasises her cleavage, She also has long brown hair and pouting lips with big brown eyes.

Michelle reaches for a glass at the side of the bed

 

She hands Niko the glass that appears to be fizzing

 

Niko-“what’s in this”?

Michelle-“don’t worry is only aspirin”

 

Niko drinks the water slowly and passes Michelle the glass back.

As Michelle places the empty glass back on the side, Niko realises there is a breakfast menu with the words “LIBERTY CITY HOTEL WELCOMES OUR PRESTIGIOUS GUESTS”

 

Niko-“look, I think we both know that I can’t afford this hotel, and a hooker, call girl whatever you are surely expect me to pay for the room.

 

Michelle-“hey, I’m not gonna charge you, and I am hoping that you’ll allow me to explain who I am”

 

Niko sits on the chair, which is positioned opposite the bed where Michelle lay, and prepares himself for the worst.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Eminence]

Okay ... so this is the exact same story as your other one, only with some changed description?

 

You've added some little bits of description in, but it's mostly still very simple - describing him as a tall, muscular man for example. As well as this, you're still writing in a script form, as opposed to using correct speech.

 

There's a lot of places where it's the exact same as your other story, and then you just add a new sentence or two here and there ... not really an improvement.

 

I'd go back and totally rewrite it from scratch, and try to include different ways of describing it - as opposed to just adding one or two lines to the same story.

 

Moreover ... I don't see why you posted a new topic. Couldn't you have just added this to the other topic in a new reply?

[jake whitehead]

THATS IT, COME ON THEN WRITE YOUR OWN STORY!

[saltinespike]

THATS IT, COME ON THEN WRITE YOUR OWN STORY!

Now, now, let's not be immature. All he's saying is you could've edited the other thread. Instead of making a new one.

[Oxidizer]

 

THATS IT, COME ON THEN WRITE YOUR OWN STORY!

LOL!

[rugbyrules]

LMAO