May as well join the fun.

[saltinespike]

None of this is planned, I am just writing as I go, so just keep that in mind.

 

------------------------------------

 

Niko Bellic slums on a dirty seat on the Liberty City Subway, he is nearly alone. He could pass as a bum in his rags. He eats some peanuts from a bag. The automated voice interrupts his vague thoughts: "We are now approaching Station 41 in Downtown Broker." Niko lifts himself up and exits when the doors open. He looks around the dirty station, listening to the subway train continue behind him. He litters his bag onto the floor and climbs up the steps into "The City of Dreams" as his cousin had put it.

 

The environment seemed very depressing, very hostile, but this was nothing new to Niko. He continues walking down the street, bumping shoulders with a few careless pedestrians. He scans every alley, looking for a working car.

 

Niko smashes a window of a somewhat-decent car. He unlocks the door, enters, and starts hotwiring. As the car starts, he makes a small complaint about the structure of the car and takes off.

 

Niko pushes Roman's, his arrogant cousin, apartment door open, only to find Roman watching TV and drinking a beer. "Cousin!" He shouts, happy.

 

"Why did you not contact me?" Niko demands, his accent heavy.

 

"Well America's Next Top Hooker is on!" Roman grabs Niko's coat. "This whore named 'Danny' made it into the finals. Danny is a man's name."

 

"What happened to your 'great American life'?" Niko questions.

 

"This is it!"

 

"You must be joking. You claimed you had 5 cars. You claimed you own mansions!" Niko grows more irritated. "You claimed you had women sucking on you rotten toes!!"

 

"I can have women doing that, for the right price, eh?" Roman laughs and places his hand on Niko's shoulder. "I may have exaggerated my lifestyle, but that was so you could be here!"

 

"I cannot believe you have done this to me!"

 

"You're life will be better here, I promise you. Let us go down to the bar and speak of your travels. You deserve a f*cking beer!"

 

------------------------------------

 

If people like it, I will continue. Need feedback, though.

Edited May 28, 2007 by saltinespike

[jake whitehead]

it's intersting so far, i would like to see where it goes, please continue.

[Oblivionz]

I enjoy it. I'ma be following this, so keep it up. :]

[Eminence]

Not bad so far, not good either. Promising is the best word I can use to describe it so far.

 

That opening is still a little short, so I'm not sure just exactly how it will be continued or what the plot will be like. But so far, you've made a, here's that word again, promising start. There's a little bit of good description at the start, and it's being told with correct dialouge and not just a script - already better than a lot of other things here.

 

So, good work I say, and I look forward to seeing the continuation of this piece - stick at it! Just remember to try to use some good description of the environment around Niko, and it'll surely turn out good!

[saltinespike]

I purposely made it an introduction just to find some common ground. Introduce my writing a little bit, see if people liked it, and not go into the plot yet. But since you do, I shall continue and find a plot that sticks! Here is my next section of writing (not gonna go into chapters):

 

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Roman is gleefully drunk telling outrageous stories of all the hookers he had slept with. Niko was half-listening, not really interested, and still sober, only finishing half a beer. He interrupts Roman's story to ask what has been troubling him the most: "What am I supposed to do here?"

 

 

"What do you mean?" Roman asks, stupidly.

 

"Am I just going to sit around here, drinking my life away? I came here to stop doing that. I came here for a better life."

 

"You want job?"

 

"Yes."

 

"I know people. People that could use a handy man like yourself. Crime is the name of the game. I will introduce you to my friend, Jakur. He will surely have a job for you. Let us leave this place and search for him. After one more beer!" Roman laughs obnoxiously and orders one more.

 

-----------------------

 

You start the game off by getting a feel for the driving controls, supposing you did not driving to Roman's apartment. He tells you where to turn (best route) and you also have a blip on your radar.

 

You drive down towards the docks. The environment seems to have no color, emotionless, and cold. Niko sees a group of men, wearing red jumpsuits. Workers... or a gang. When parked, Niko and Roman head inside a factory, possibly a fish processing plant, Roman intentionally speeding up when a black car cuts the corner.

 

-----------------------

 

"Jakur!" Roman yells, still somewhat drunk.

 

Jakur approaches the men in a black jumpsuit, he was a worker. Niko made note of the red-suited men.

 

"Greetings, comrade," Jakur's accent confirmed his Eastern European descent. "What can I do for you?"

 

"My cousin, Niko, needs a job. I figured that you could use someone with a gun to clean up your sh*t."

 

"Yes! I knew you could be trusted, Roman! Has he cleaned up your sh*t?"

 

"Let's not speak of that. I just got you a collector, my cousin a job, and me out of some debt! I must be leaving now, friends, I have a whore to meet!"

 

-----------------------

 

"So, Niko, are you good with guns?"

 

"Yes, I am good with crime, also. I know that you are used to that, I've observed your actions.

 

"You are quite the observer. Perhaps it will do good. For now, I would like you to collect some money for me. There is a Jamaican man, goes by Lamar, that owes me some money. Take as much as you can. Consider this you application."

 

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I will continue later. Still somewhat of an introduction, since the action is still pending. Still, you like it?

[TubbyJ]

I'm lovin' the dialouge. I like how well you set the atmosphere, I know how the setting is, you really know how to set that feeling of a run-down type of place. The only thing I can really critiscize you on is your pacing. In one sentence you describe Niko walking down the street, then he just hotwires a car. Next second, he's sitting in Roman's apartment, having a chat. For the most part, awesome writing. I'll follow this one.

[Eminence]

I like the dialogue, it's structured well and it sounds convincing. However, I don't like the turn you've taken by changing it from a standard dialouge to breaking the fourth wall and involving the reader - the whole "you start the game" aspect. I prefer to read about detailed narratives, as opposed to ones that skimp out on all the detail and simply describe it as a game.

 

However, if that is the effect you're after, you've done it in a better way than most. Despite doing this, you've still included description of the environment you're passing through (and done it well, I might add - I like the way you describe the docks as emotionless and cold, for example) - as opposed to just saying "you drive to the docks, you get out" or something along those lines.

 

Good writing, nonetheless. I'll follow.

[jake whitehead]

keep it coming dude

[saltinespike]

 

keep it coming dude

Trying, but the next scene I keep trying to fit together, keeps turning out sappy. Like I was thinking an action scene, but that might be jumping into the deep end before you get used to the water. The next scene is not missing for lack of effort, but lack of rock-hard interesting storyline. Just trying to exclude the heavy action for now, but still make the scene long and interesting. Also, I am not sure how I am going to put the missions (or storylines) side by side (because I can't really include pony farm, otherwise it wouldn't be pony farm (the hell is pony farm?), now would it?).

 

Eminence, I thank you for your constructive criticism, but that was for lack of better words. Like you said, I am not just going to put "he drove to the docks". What I probably would have done now is possibly make a conversation between Niko and Roman, possibly revealing a bit about Niko's past. Oh well.

 

I will try to get the next scene to you all when I hit the nail on the head. I would rather make you guys wait than disappoint you. By the way, if any readers have suggestions, feel free to PM me or something. It would be appreciated.

Edited May 30, 2007 by saltinespike

[saltinespike]

Niko pulls a heavy door open to a dim-lit bar, Jamaican music can be heard, softly.

 

"Hello? Is anyone here?" No answer. He searches for a clue on where things of value would lie. "Ah," he finds a door leading to a basement. He is cautious once again. "Is anyone here?"

 

Silence once again. Niko continues down the stairs and finds a pile of ecstacy pills. "f*cking Jamaicans."

 

He spots a duffle bag and approaches it. The man smiles to himself when he figures out there are actually two duffle bags. He opens them up to make sure the contents are money. Niko smiles and starts to climb up the stairs, but goes back down to grab a few pills, an added bonus for Jakur.

 

"What the f*ck are you doing, mon?" The bartender was back. When the man figures it out, he pulls out a shotgun. Niko pulls out his pistol and kills the man. He grabs the two bags and runs outside and to his car.

 

-----------------------

 

"This is f*cking incredible; you are f*cking incredible! You will definitely be working for me in the future! Call me any time, day or night, and I have job for you. Now please, let count my f*cking money!"

 

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Kinda short, I know, but future scenes/chapters will be longer. This was all I could think of without doing a heavy action scene. Hope it's still acceptable.

[WWE_vs_TNA]

Nice Story man! Keep it up!

[Eminence]

Again, not bad. At the start you use the phrase "once again" twice in quick succession, though - this hinders the flow as you're simply repeating the same phrases. Also, when Niko kills the man, there's very little description of it - you simply just say that he kills him. It'd be much better to describe what happened here, otherwise it seems like you're just going through what happens as though it's an outline of the plot.

 

Keep it up, and just remember to describe things in a little more detail!

[saltinespike]

“Niko. Nikooo. NIKO!”

 

Niko awoke to a shadowy figure. He had fallen asleep in someone’s living room. As his eyes adjusted, he realized that it was Jakur. “Jakur… where am I?”

 

“Good morning, my friend. You are in my apartment. Would you like some f*cking pancakes?!” Jakur laughed loud and hard at his joke. “Joking, man.”

 

I need you for more collection. Lonely man has not paid my cousin sex money. He thinks he can get free sh*t. Not from my hookers! I need you to find him and collect at least $400. Go on!”

 

Niko slowly climbs off of the couch. He notices a still-lit cigarette and two open beer bottles on the coffee table. He grabs his pistol off of the floor and starts to head toward the door.

 

“Niko!” He pauses in the doorway, concealing his gun with his jacket. “Grab a bigger f*cking gun.”

 

-----------------------

 

An apartment door opens; a greasy, fat man grasping French fries appears.

 

“Do you live in this apartment?” Niko questions. The man shoves the French fries into his mouth, nods, and pounds his chest as if he were a gorilla.

 

“Do you remember Galina? A Russian hooker? You have yet to pay up.”

 

The man tries to slam the door on Niko, but Niko had slid his foot into place to stop the door. He shoves the door open and approaches the man aggressively. He pulls a gun out and points at Niko’s head, only to be laughed at.

 

Niko lifts his jacket, revealing his gun. “Please…” Niko laughs again. “Drop your fries, fatty, and give me $500. Or I could grab my gun and blow your brains all over this lovely F*CKING apartment.”

 

“I wouldn’t do that, man. I have people. You will be dead before you wake up tomorrow morning.”

 

“Give me the money. You don’t have to die, I don’t have to die, we are both winners!”

 

“I’ll give you three hundred, because she sucked. And I don’t mean she sucked.”

 

“Four hundred or I blow your f*cking brains out.” The man hesitated and pulled out his wallet. “Good to see you’ve come around. Pay next time you get lonely. Or I will come back.”

 

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Stupid ending, I know, but I am making this all up as I go.

[Eminence]

Well, the dialogue/description and everything is solid - no real mistakes, but there's nothing special. There's nothing taking it to that next level, nothing making it truly gripping or interesting to read.

 

The key to doing that is thinking of what you're going to write. If you're making it up as you go along - go ahead, write it. But just save it to your computer, and come back a little later - start thinking about where this thing is going. Set a target for what you're writing about, write a plot outline - once you've done this the whole story will start going alogng better and it'll become much more interesting.

 

If you're just making up random scenarios as you go along, it's bound to be a little dull.