Story for Driver: Parallel Lines

[manofpeace]

Hey all. before I write my story, I want to know if it needs to be about GTA before I write it. I want it to be about Driver: Parallel Lines. Just tell me and I'll get it up soon. Thanks.

 

MOP

[Pat.]

Your story can be about anything you want it to be.

 

Plus, I'm acctually a little anxious to see this, I'm quite a fan of Driver: PL.

[manofpeace]

New York City, 1978. January 28. 8:20 PM.

 

The Funky Rabbit was jumping with activity as another crisp, windy day ended in New York. As usual, Slink had called in TK to help out if anything “unfly” was to occur. The waitress would frequently give TK a free drink while he stood by the door with the bouncers. After several shots, TK was nodding and his eyes were bloodshot. Just as he was about to doze off, Slink came running into him from the crowd.

“Wake up, kid; there’s trouble!”

“Wuh? What happened?”

“Some fool from my debt list is sendin’ some guys over to cap us! He’s hidin’ out in Bronx. I need you to go... persuade him to call it off and to pay up. Get goin!”

“Ugh. What do you keep getting into, man?”

“That aint’ important! Go!”

“Fine! I’m goin’!”

TK rushed out the door and got in his blue Cerrano. He started up the V8 and peeled out down the crowded Manhattan street. He drifted on to a large Boulevard and sped past several expensive sports cars. As he flew up past Times Square, a police car radared him at 104 MPH. The police car turned on its lights and siren and sped off toward TK. Swerving in and out of heavy traffic, TK checked his rearview mirror.

“sh*t. Damn cops.”

He quickly slowed down and turned into a narrow alley. He bumped recklessly through garbage bags and chain fences. He emerged in a pile of trash, chains, and other objects into an oncoming bus. TK slammed the gas and skidded past the bus by inches. Quickly regaining his composure, he sped down towards Central Park. TK noticed that the tail was gone, so he slowed his pace slightly. Still slightly drunk, everything was a slight blur. Luckily, the chase from the cop had shaken some of those shots out of his system, so it wasn’t too bad. He turned on the radio and listened to One Way or Another to keep him awake. Once TK was past Central Park, he turned to the short bridge into Bronx. It was quieter here, but not much.

It took a while before TK was able to find the address of the debted dude he had memorized last week. It was his job to find and “persuade” anyone who had a debt to the Funky Rabbit. At last, he found the address and slowed to a stop in the parking space on the edge of the street. TK checked his watch. 8:31. Pretty good time for getting across town. He checked his heater for ammo; fully loaded. He opened the door to the four story apartment and looked at the list of names that occupied rooms. Henford, Porneilli, Johnson, Wesley, NEWMAN. Oxford Newman was the owner of a $6047 dept to the Funky Rabbit, and a nice car. TK slowly walked up to the third floor and knocked on Newman’s door. A rustling, then heavy footsteps were heard before a deep voice asked,

“Who is it?”

“Someone that needs to talk to you.”

“Who are you for? PD? Debts?”

“The second one.”

“Well... alright, come in.”

Strange, they normally tell me to f*ck off, thought TK as he entered the cramped living room. It was actually quite tidy for a room in the Bronx. Usual impressions would be trash strewn on the floor, the couch torn up, a mildew that emitted a foul stench on the ceiling, and faulty electricity. Oxford offered TK a seat, but he rejected it. Oxford waddled into the kitchen and got out a Coca Cola. He offered one to TK, but he denied once again. Oxford was an obese man with long hair. He had wide, short feet and was only 5’ 3”. He always had a slight fragrance of citrus, but very few people knew why. Oxford sprawled out on the sofa and took a sip of his Coke.

‘So, what’s your name, kid?”

“Tony”

“Cool. So, how much do I owe?

“Just over 6k.”

“Damn! Didn’t realize I was that far in. Which place was it?”

“Funky Rabbit. I suggest you get it payed today so we can avoid any trouble.”

“Alright. I’ll get dressed and we’ll drop by the bank, eh?”

“Be quick. I’ve gotta be back by 9:30.”

Oxford got up and shuffled into his room. He put on a Polo shirt and Jeans. His old Tennis shoes were falling apart, but still wearable. TK was waiting in the living room with the door open, tapping his foot. Oxford shut the door and they headed down the stairs and out the door. TK’s Ceranno was still rumbling in the parking space. They got in and drove off down the road to the bank.

 

 

This isn't much, but I want to keep the excitement held out for as long as possible before this part of the story ends.

 

@Pat. I'm also a diehard PL fan. If you want, we could team up by PM and co-write it.

 

[Coral_City]

It's actually pretty decent...though there are a few things I wanna point out:

 

Spelling errors! "Paid" not "Payed" -- there were similar ones in the story, but they were minor. Just make sure you watch out for them.

 

Background... -- who are these guys? TK? Slink? Are you gonna tell us more about them in the future...? Just a bit curious about this.

 

 

so he slowed his pace slightly. Still slightly drunk,

 

Another minor error -- repetition. Can be easily fixed!

 

That's pretty much all I have to write -- it's definitely something I'll check up on in the future. People may point out other faux-pas...but it is something you can improve upon. Keep it up!

[speekers]

Awesome! Keep up the good work!

[Blackadder.]

Good job, I'll probably follow this

[Eminence]

Good start. I like quite a lot of the description, it's done well where you describe what the stereotypical apartment would be like, as an example. There's some good dialouge in there to break it up as well, though - there's not too much of either, it's balanced out quite well.

 

So, again, nice start. I look forward to the second chapter - I'll definitely follow along!

[manofpeace]

Just to let ya'll know. Me and speekers have teamed on this. You may/may not notice a difference in style, but we're trying to keep it going smooth.

 

I'll edit in the second part to this later. MOP.

 

EDIT: Here is the moment of grandness or... whatever:

 

New York City, 1978. January 28. 8:47.

 

TK and Oxford arrived at the bank on the other side of the Bronx and stopped at the Teller’s window. The Teller was busy with another customer at the counter. Oxford got out his wallet from his pant pocket and shuffled through his credit cards and cash. He pulled out a gold and red credit card from the back and put his wallet back in his pocket. The Teller was done with the customer at the counter and began to lean on the counter and chew gum. TK honked the horn furiously. The Teller turned around and walked to the window.

‘What can I do for you, gentlemen?”

“We’d like to make a withdrawal,” said TK, taking Oxford’s credit card and handing it to the Teller through the small gap in the window.

The Teller picked up the card and wrote down the number. Then he consulted a long list of names and numbers and marked the one that was Oxford’s. He went to another counter and took out a different list. The Teller ran through it and found the one matching Oxford’s account. He brought the list over to the window and said,

“Alright.... Oxford Newman, correct?”

“Yes,” said Oxford.

“You have $76.98 in your account.”

“Damn! Are you sure?” asked Oxford.

“Yep. Is that enough?”

“Forget it,” TK said roughly.

TK drove away quickly and headed back to the Funky Rabbit. If Oxford didn’t have enough money, he was supposed to bring him back to Slink for a talking to. He sped down the road in a huff, cursing every few seconds. Oxford stayed quiet, which was probably the best thing to do at the moment. Terribly angry, TK accidentally over-took a cop car (the same one from earlier), and continued to speed. The cop’s light’s flashed and it’s siren wailed back on. TK gunned the gas as hard as he could and raced past Central Park. He burned into Time’s Square and avoided oncoming traffic between cursing. The police car was gaining, and TK could hear a second siren in the distance. On the brink of insanity in pressure, he swerved into a small pathway packed with people. As he slammed the gas, he could feel a large bump and another on the back wheels. A homeless-looking man flew into TK’s windshield and cracked the glass as he rolled over the car. Someone jumped out of the way and broke through a fence as the blue flash of the Cerrano roared by. TK drove into a heavily congested road and turned left to Broadway.

He swerved past taxis and passengers entering buses. Oxford looked around nervously and said:

"The cops are right behind us!"

Still a bit tipsy, TK replied to him: "Stop your bitching and fight back." He opened the glove compartment and handed Oxford a small Uzi.

"Where'd you get this?!" He yelled.

"Just shoot, goddamnit!" TK threatened him.

Oxford leaned back outside the window and pulled the trigger. He jumped back a little bit and whimpered. He leaned back out the window and shot the front glass of the police car. The squad car's sirens went of out control and the car crashed into a tree. Oxford sighed and wiped his forehead. TK looked back and turned on the jams.

 

They soon got to the Funky Rabbit. Oxford walked in and took a seat next to Slink.

"How ya doin', Slink?" Oxford said quietly.

"Good. But yo' punk ass is gettin' me all in trouble!" "Now, everybody wants a peice of me! Even gang leaders!" "At least my man over here, knows how to handle things!" He then pointed to TK. He got up from his seat and aimed a gun at Oxford's head.

"I'll get you your money!"

"You better or your gonna be eating through a tube for the rest of your life!"

Oxford walked off with Slink's angry look still in his face.

When he returned home, he saw his apartment on fire, along with his now destroyed car. He sat down on the ground and sighed, his fat flubbering.

“Darrien will hear about this.”

 

 

There you go, have a nice day. For now.

 

Edited May 29, 2007 by manofpeace

[Eminence]

The first thing I noticed in the first paragraph is that it's composed of several different quick sentences with nothing really splitting them up - there's not one comma. It just seems to be dictating numerous different things to the reader, without actually describing anything:

 

 

They arrive. The teller was busy. They get a wallet out. They pull a credit card out. The teller is finished.

 

I know that's not exactly what is said, but that's the general direction of the paragraph, and it doesn't really flow very well because of the manner in which it's composed. This happens again a little later, but to be fair it's rectified quite a bit in the paragraph describing the chase with the police car - that scene flows much more easily. So, in the future, just try to look back over the way it's written and see if it seems to be dictating event after event to the reader - if it is, try to find ways to make it flow better.

 

The second thing I thought was regarding Oxford - would he be willing to just shoot an Uzi at cops? I don't know much about his character but he doesn't seem to be a simple thug, and it's not totally realistic to just shoot guns off at cops (unless it's GTA ) ... I don't know, wouldn't he be adversely affected by doing that?

 

The next thing I saw was this, an error in the speech:

 

 

"Good. But yo' punk ass is gettin' me all in trouble!" "Now, everybody wants a peice of me! Even gang leaders!" "At least my man over here, knows how to handle things!" He then pointed to TK.

 

If this is all the same person talking, which I think it is, there's no need to have numerous different speech marks. Instead, it should simply be like this:

 

 

"Good. But yo' punk ass is gettin' me all in trouble! Now, everybody wants a peice of me! Even gang leaders! At least my man over here, knows how to handle things!" He then pointed to TK.

 

Still, however, this quote seems to not flow too well, similarly to before - plus it's overwhelmed by an abundance of exclamation marks. Something more like this, I feel, would suffice:

 

 

"Good. But yo' punk ass is gettin' me all in trouble! Now, everybody wants a peice of me, even gang leaders. At least my man over here, knows how to handle things!" He then pointed to TK.

 

Just a few thoughts - it's good writing overall though, and the dialogue, for the most part, is solid. I liked the description of the chase scene, as well.

 

I look forward to the next chapter, and I hope you take what I've said on board to help to improve it!

[manofpeace]

The first thing I noticed in the first paragraph is that it's composed of several different quick sentences with nothing really splitting them up - there's not one comma. It just seems to be dictating numerous different things to the reader, without actually describing anything:

 

 

They arrive. The teller was busy. They get a wallet out. They pull a credit card out. The teller is finished.

 

I know that's not exactly what is said, but that's the general direction of the paragraph, and it doesn't really flow very well because of the manner in which it's composed. This happens again a little later, but to be fair it's rectified quite a bit in the paragraph describing the chase with the police car - that scene flows much more easily. So, in the future, just try to look back over the way it's written and see if it seems to be dictating event after event to the reader - if it is, try to find ways to make it flow better.

 

The second thing I thought was regarding Oxford - would he be willing to just shoot an Uzi at cops? I don't know much about his character but he doesn't seem to be a simple thug, and it's not totally realistic to just shoot guns off at cops (unless it's GTA ) ... I don't know, wouldn't he be adversely affected by doing that?

 

The next thing I saw was this, an error in the speech:

 

 

"Good. But yo' punk ass is gettin' me all in trouble!" "Now, everybody wants a peice of me! Even gang leaders!" "At least my man over here, knows how to handle things!" He then pointed to TK.

 

If this is all the same person talking, which I think it is, there's no need to have numerous different speech marks. Instead, it should simply be like this:

 

 

"Good. But yo' punk ass is gettin' me all in trouble! Now, everybody wants a peice of me! Even gang leaders! At least my man over here, knows how to handle things!" He then pointed to TK.

 

Still, however, this quote seems to not flow too well, similarly to before - plus it's overwhelmed by an abundance of exclamation marks. Something more like this, I feel, would suffice:

 

 

"Good. But yo' punk ass is gettin' me all in trouble! Now, everybody wants a peice of me, even gang leaders. At least my man over here, knows how to handle things!" He then pointed to TK.

 

Just a few thoughts - it's good writing overall though, and the dialogue, for the most part, is solid. I liked the description of the chase scene, as well.

 

I look forward to the next chapter, and I hope you take what I've said on board to help to improve it!

Yeah, I just started out and stuff. Thanks for pointing those out; I needed someone to be a cridic. More later. MOP

[Eminence]

Yeah, no probs. I'll always be here to offer some constructive criticism!

[Shutttlecock?]

Nice Job Dude!

rated good buddy.

[speekers]

w00t! new chapter!!

 

New Jersey, 1978. January 29. 7:42 PM.

 

Zoom in on a smelly, abandoned warehouse. It has been at least 45 years since it was last used for its original purpose. Inside, there is a muscular Filipino man in a suit at a desk counting money one Benjamin at a time. He has an eye patch on his left eye from a gun wound during his younger years. Darrien finishes counting his money and sets it in a silver briefcase.

“$8200. Not bad for a newbie.”

Darrien chuckled as he opened the desk drawer and took out a Cuban Cigar and lit it with his Zippo lighter. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eye. A great end to a perfect day. Suddenly, the make-shift wooden door burst open and Oxford came panting in. He was sweating and looked worried.

“What is it, Oxford?” Darrien asked impatiently.

“I need someone taken care of. He’s David Mason; goes by “Slink”.”

“Man, this is your sixth problem since you got all that dept at the strip club in Brooklyn. Which place is it now?”

“It’s the Funky Rabbit in Manhattan and that strip club was over priced! $60 for a lap dance? That’s more than a trip to the market!”

“Whatever. I’ll take care of him. Just... go home.”

“I can’t; they burned it down, and my car!”

“Uuuggghhh! Fine, here’s some cash for a hotel nearby. Go away and let me handle this before I lose it!”

Darrien shoved Oxford out the door with difficulty and slammed it shut. He went to his desk and relit his Cigar that was put out by his spitting in his rage. This was not a perfect day, and it was about to get worse. Never before had he had to deal with a more needy client than Oxford. He walked over to a filing cabinet and opened the bottom drawer. Inside was an MP5. Rare on the market, he obtained by bribing a corrupt SWAT team in Miami. This gun had settled many debts over the years and never missed its target yet.

 

Darrien went to his Melizzano and drove off to the Funky Rabbit. It was time to "solve a problem."

 

 

 

Brooklyn, 1978. January 29. 8:00 PM.

 

A blue Melizzano pulled up the curb, next to the Funky Rabbit. Darrien turned off the car and waited.

 

The Funky Rabbit 11:00 PM.

 

Darrien soon heard a clutter of trashcans as he turned around to see Slink walking out from the alleyway, drunk as a skunk. Slink walked up to Darrien's car and leaned against the window.

"Get off my damn car!!" Darrien shouted at him. Slink chuckled and burped a little. "This suit... is more than... car..." Slink said. "By the way... do you have some ching-a-ling for a few bucks?" Slink questioned, awkwardly.

"Ching-a-ling?" Darrien answered, confused.

"Change! Lame bastard...!" Slink mumbled.

Darrien rolled down his window. "Wanna ride?" he whispered. "Say it louder..." Slink said as he came closer to him. Darrien grasped his fingers together and slammed Slink in the face. Slink ran off into the Funky Rabbit, exclaiming: "What's your problem?!" Darrien just laughed. He looked back to see a man walking towards his car. As he came closer he started to shoot at Darrien's car. "OH sh*t!" Darrien yelled. "Aw, man." He reached down and grabbed his MP5. He kicked open his door and shot back at the stranger. But he was gone. Now Darrien was pissed.

 

Inside the Funky Rabbit, 11:30 PM.

 

Darrien walked into the Funky Rabbit with his gun at his side. He fired a gunshot into the air. "Get me Slink!!!!!" He bursts out. A man

points his hand towards a door that reads: "Private Dances: $60" Darrien shot the bartender and the pointing man. He walked straight into the private room and shot Slink's girl. Slink jumped back from the chair and into another door in the room.

 

Dark Room, 11:38 PM.

 

Darrien rubbed his hand all over the wall until he reached a switch. He lifted the switch and saw that he was in an explosive room. He had to watch where he fired. There was no sign of Slink. Darrien looked down and saw an air vent grate lieing on floor. He looked up and saw Slink trying to escape. Darrien's long arm reached Slink's leg and pulled him down. He pushed Slink over and aimed the MP5 at him.

 

[Eminence]

OK ... I feel the story has taken a turn for the worse in this latest chapter.

 

Similar to what I was saying before, this chapter seems to be dictating numerous different things quickly to the reader, without stopping to describe what's going on in any true detail. It starts off well by describing numerous things, the detail about the MP5 for one, but by the end it's just going through numerous different actions:

 

 

Darrien rubbed his hand all over the wall until he reached a switch. He lifted the switch and saw that he was in an explosive room. He had to watch where he fired. There was no sign of Slink. Darrien looked down and saw an air vent grate lieing on floor. He looked up and saw Slink trying to escape. Darrien's long arm reached Slink's leg and pulled him down. He pushed Slink over and aimed the MP5 at him.

 

No commas - nothing's broken up. It's just a constant bombardment of short sentences, each one describing no more than the next sequence in a short change of events. Not particularly gripping writing.

 

As well as that, the first line:

 

 

Zoom in on a smelly, abandoned warehouse.

 

This just seems like a stage direction. It doesn't seem like narrative - you're saying zoom in as though you're describing what the camera should be doing. In addition, smelly is perhaps one of the least truly fitting adjectives you could use to describe this - you're saying to zoom in, implying you're looking at it - then you're describing how the warehouse smells. To add more effect to this line, it would be much better to describe a physical aspect of the warehouse... what does it look like?

 

 

Now, however, onto the main negative aspect of this latest chapter ... maaaaaan, you're tenses are all over the place. The first paragraph is in the present tense:

 

 

Zoom in / It has been / Inside, there is / Darrien finishes

 

etc... Now, fast forward to the next part:

 

 

Slink walked up to Darrien's car and leaned against the window.

"Get off my damn car!!" Darrien shouted at him.

 

etc... This has switched to the past tense - you are now describing things that have happened, as opposed to things that are happening. The story continues in this manner, except for a few occasions, such as this:

 

 

But he was gone. Now Darrien was pissed.

 

Here you've mixed the two together within two sentences. First he was gone, and then now he was pissed. Even using was again - switching back to the past tense.

 

 

It's not bad, but it's not an improvement - and you always want your story to be moving in a positive direction. You don't want to be taking steps backward. These mistakes seriously hinder the flow of the story and make it harder to read and follow, so before you post the next chapter I would advise that you proofread it in order to check that the tense is constant throughout, and that the paragraphs aren't simply dictating actions to the reader.

 

 

Also, before I finish, I would like to ask - if this is being written cooperatively, how in fact is it being done? Are you taking turns to write chapters, or is each chapter a joint effort between the two of you?

[manofpeace]

I am writing it with speekers through PM. Each chapter is a collaboration between us.

[Eminence]

I see. Well, there's no excuse then!

 

You should take it upon each other to make sure you both proofread each bit well, to try to ensure that these silly little errors get corrected. It's an interesting piece, so it could become very good with time.