my first story

[jake whitehead]

i dont know how this works so im gonna write a little story, i have written lots before but notr in the writers bit so here goes, please tell me what you think, bad or good!

 

 

 

 

5am-

Niko leaves a bar in the city, tipsy and staggering all over the place, he is new to the area and doesnt know where he is!

 

he busts the window of a nearby car and begins to hotwire the vehicle

 

5.30am-

after several minutes of fumbling with the wires the owner of the car, leaves the same bar as Niko left

 

"hey, f*ckface, what you doing to my car"

 

Niko turns to the guy and reaches for his gun

 

"i said hey f*ckface, WHAT YOU DOING TO MY CAR"

 

niko pulls his 8mm from his backpocket and raises above the car door before shooting the guy three times in the chest

 

Niko grins and says "whats it look like, f*ckface"

 

the guy lays there gasping for breath before stopping his attemps.

 

A women who turns the corner at this exact moment, holding a handbag screams "HELP, HELP, WE NEED AN AMBULANCE".

she then sees niko lurking in the dark car

 

she stops in her tracks and turns around to face the other direction, she begins walking, and slowly picks up the pace

 

Niko in his drunken state finally starts the car and begins his slow pursuit of the woman.

 

Niko-"hay baby, looking for a good time"

 

woman-"look man ive got a kid, hes only young, look please......"

 

Niko-"GET IN"

 

she enters the vehicle hastily, Niko looks with undressing eyes.

 

Niko-"ive had a long trip over here, im a little nervous around women, are you comfortable"

 

woman"look just let me go"

 

Niko" i said ARE YOU COMFORTABLE"

 

the women furiosly tries the handle to the door

 

Niko-"i wouldnt have done that"

 

he raises his pistol once again to the womans head, tension lumes ove rthe car before Niko says- "GET THE f*ck OUT OF MY CAR"

 

she exits and runs down the street as fast as she can only tohear the revving of Nikos engine

 

he speeds toward her and crashes into her with a thud, she flies over the bonnet and lays motionless on the other side of the car

 

Niko-"you really think im gonna mess up my f*cking interir, this cars new baby"

 

he drives of into the night with a smug grin!

 

[vicecitylover400]

You, know what, you are on to something, that is a good Intro, I hope you continue!

[jake whitehead]

erm. i wasnt going to but if you think i should then i will. cheers

[jake whitehead]

Niko wakes and begins to focus in on his alrm clock which appears to say 9.03

he stands up dry mouthed and surrounded by empty cans.

aside of him he sees a shadow of a woman on the wall!

 

he reaches for his gun, which quietly he cocks and heads towards the bathroom

 

upon reaching the bathroom he sees a women in the shower naked and dancing around.

 

he creeps up on the woman and places the gun firmly in her back,

 

Niko-"Who are you, and what are you doing here"?

 

lady-"hey, easy tiger, if only you were this fiesty last night"

 

Niko-"you did'nt answer my question"

 

lady-"i'm michelle, REMEMBER!?!"

 

Niko-"What are you doing here?"

 

michelle-"erm....ok, if you wanna play this game then well play"

 

Niko glance to the bed and pushes her towards it

 

Niko-"sit down"

 

michelle-"listen, i dont know how much you had to drink last night but if you don't start treating me better, your gonna be in a lot of trouble"

 

Niko-"what kind of trouble"

 

michelle-"WHAT? you dont know who my dad is?"

 

Niko-"ive got bigger things to worry about other than your stupid, dumbass father!"

 

michelle-"you know what Niko, f*ck YOU!, my father owns this city, you better wise up and pay me some respect"

 

Niko-"oh sh*t, my f*cking luck to caught up with some crazy dine strore hooker!"

 

michelle"dime store hooker!, my father is f*cking, tony capzani"

 

Niko-"WHAT"

 

michelle-"yeah you f*cking heard me, you scum, TONY CAPZANI"

 

Niko looks at the floor, glances out of the window and sighs.

[vicecitylover400]

Good, But, you may want to add beter dialogue, and maybe add something that Niko will do, like why he sighs when he looks out the window and, Maybe more depth of what he was gonna do to Michelle.

[Coral_City]

Er...

 

The script style ain't gonna work. There's very little description, numerous spelling errors and structure is a tad bit out of whack. I mean, you switch from some sort of a timeline to script. Also, your story seems to be going everywhere with no flow at all...

 

Overall: If you want to write a decent story, I suggest taking this back and make an actual story out of it...y'know? With ... a plot...

[vicecitylover400]

Good hint's so far i give it

[jake whitehead]

damn, i agree. it's hard, but my first part was good right.

[speekers]

the story is very stale.

[jake whitehead]

aw come on guys, the firswt part is great and i can defiantly see thuis being a proper opening for a game.

 

and i really want someone to continue the story,

i want it to go like this-

 

the girl that he killed was tony capanzi's daughter and she is a bit of a rebel and sells herself for money, but is kept under protection from her father.

 

Niko has picked her up had sex with her and now owes her money,

she doesnt realise that he has no money,

but shelikes Niko so she arranges for him to work for her father,

in order to pay off his debt.

 

the debt is quite large, the first mission goes balls up and Niko eventually owes tony capzani even more money.

 

END OF CHAPTER

 

 

could soemone write that and then well gather them together using my fist post as a starter and then other posts to create astory.

[Eminence]

Kay ...

 

The first part is far from great. I don't know why you keep referring back to it, as it's not a benchmark of any standard. It doesn't flow correctly, there are countless grammar mistakes (remember kids, when we start a new sentence, we use a capital letter), there is little to no actual narrative description, and you're using a script style to describe dialogue, as opposed to consistently using speechmarks.

 

As outlined in your latest post, you've got a good idea for a decent overall story arc - it's not a bad plot. But you're not executing it well in any way - try to formulate better description of the events around Niko, and also not make it so unrealistic (c'mon, he couldn't just shoot him three times in the chest then run an innocent woman over with no repercussions).

 

I wouldn't expect anyone to carry on your story. People generally won't do that, if they're going to write, they'll do something themselves, not carry on someone elses. Especially if it's already set at a poor quality.

 

Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh, but it has to be said. Keep at it though, look back over that plot you've thought up and try rewriting the intro - post it and then perhaps we'll be a little more impressed!