speekers Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 (edited) Grand Theft Auto: Carcer City Chapter I: The Job A Diablo pulls up to the curb and the door opens. A man and a woman exit the car and shut the doors. They walk down the street and look up at the snowflakes, lightly falling from the sky. They take a sharp turn into an alleyway and see a man next to garbage cans petting a cat. "Are you Starkweather?" The woman asks. "Maybe..." The man with the cat replies. "Are you?!" The man who owned the Diablo took out an 9mm and aimed it at the man near the garbage. "Okay, I am." Starkweather claims. "Then don't give us bullsh*t next time." The woman says. "What do you need?" The man asks. "Help with an.... associate..." Starkweather trails off... "Hmmm? And what?" The man asks. "I want every gang in this godforsaken town to kill him." Starkweather tells them. "Deal." The man and woman say in unison. Like? P.S. How can I get links for all my chapters? Edited May 24, 2007 by speekers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlOoDStReAm101 Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 Click on the "Posted" link above the dates. It is shown to the top of your post. Good story so far. It was short, but it was better than your other one. Keep this story going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speekers Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 My "POSTED" isn't working. eh.. Chapter II: The Smilies The man and the woman shoot a bullet into the air, scaring off the cat and making people close their windows in fear. Starkweather whimpered. "NO BULLsh*t!" The man says. They leave the alley and enter the Diablo. They kissed and drove off. "First let's tell the Smilies about this. But we have to lie. They are physcopaths. They wear skirts and prance around like pansies." said the man as he scanned his rear view mirror. When he looked back he saw a man run into the street. He braked and a terrible screeching nosie echoed. He opened the door and saw who he hit. A Smilie member. The woman got out of the car and heard faint whispering. "Please kill me" "slit my wrists" "hang me" Then it stopped. The man took out his gun and sneaked into alleys. He felt a sharp pain in his back. He took out a syringe and fainted infront of the woman. "Harry!" She called aloud. "May!" He yelled back. But she too, fell forward and got a last look at the Smilie member they had ran over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlOoDStReAm101 Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 Again it's short. But it's not bad. I like where this is going, but I just don't get why one of them wants all the gangs in Carcer for. Still a good read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speekers Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 Again it's short. But it's not bad. I like where this is going, but I just don't get why one of them wants all the gangs in Carcer for. Still a good read. If you've plated Manhunt you would know My chapters will be getting longer but for now, I'm still trying to think. Thanks for the constructive crictisism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speekers Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 Sorry to Double-Post, but I have an urge to type something. Chapter III: The Lab Harry woke up in an asylum covered in tin-foil, unable to move. He looked forward to see a group of Smilies conversing. He looked for May, but had no luck. Then he noticed a Smilie pulling a lever next to his sound-proof glass cage. He looked up and saw a mechanical arm reaching for his throat. It entered his mouth and ripped his tounge out. He grunted and screamed. The Smilies just stood there laughing. And laughing...... May woke up in a dark room, and tryed to move around. She saw a crack of light and dug here way through. He jumped out of whatever she was in and laned into the back of a Bobcat. The truck started driving so she stayed down and stayed quiet. When the truck stopped at a red-light she hopped out and started to run. To her luck, she found their Diablo. She hopped in and hotwired it. She tailed the Bobcat until it led to the asylum where a body was put into the back of the truck. She kept following. They stopped at a car crusher and left the truck with the body in back. She heard and saw whoever it was grunting and wiggling around. She got out and ran after it. When she unwrapped the tin-foil she found Harry his mouth covered in blood, grunting with pain. She carried the body into the Diablo and took off to the Smilies Hide-Out. She looked back at Harry and knew he was dead. She took out the body and burned it, along with their car. She kicked open the door for the hide-out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlOoDStReAm101 Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 Well sadly I didn't play Manhunt. Thanks for sharing that to me. =] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speekers Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 Chapter IV: The Shootout in the hide-out May took out a 9mm and shot the nearest Smilie member sitting on a dirty couch. Others rushed in with knifes and SPAZ 12 shotguns. They fired them at her, but she ducked from the bullets and shot at the shotgun. It exploded, knocking her backwards killing the rest of the Smilies. She soon regained concessneous and heard a Smilie member. She opened a rusty door and saw the Smilie Leader, curled up into a ball. "Do what I say, or I'll kill you." The next day.... "Is it done?" Starkweather asks "No. They killed Harry. I'm gonna fu..." May said inraged "You have more gangs. I'm not paying you for nothing." Starkweather chuckled. "You're not paying me anything." May slapped Starkweather and strolled off. She walked down the street and saw an upcoming Rump van. She pretended to be hitch hiker. When she got in the back, she noticed the smell of Booze, Weed and posters that say "Skinz will kill you." And "Hide you sh*t!" She looked in the front seat and saw a topless fat white guy. She realised that this was the van for the white supremacist gang, The Skinz. She found a baseball club under a blanket and whacked the driver. He was knocked out but not killed. She threw the body out of the van, and stole it. As she drove down the desolate streets, she saw a nearby construction site.... Stay tuned for the next chapter! Chapter V: The Skinz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vicecitylover400 Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 This sucks Literraly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speekers Posted May 25, 2007 Author Share Posted May 25, 2007 (edited) Ok, nevermind. No more Flame Wars for me. That's what happened last time. Banned 4 life! (not on GTAF) Chapter V: The Skinz May walked into the craneyard and saw Skinz sitting around. She noticed a small crowbar near one of them. She snuck over and picked it up and whacked a member over the head. She dragged his body into the dark and took off the clothes and mask. She put them on and continued. She walked a little bit further and reached a metal gate. No way she was getting in there. Inside the Skinz club: Skinz #1: Pass me that bourbon. Skinz #2: f*ck you! *Crane crashes through the gate and slams into the club. May steps out still in her outift and walks downstairs, sneakily. She saw a few more Skinz hanging around their leader. She took out her gun and shot them all. More came rushing in. One fired a bullet from a revolver and it hit May in the arm. She fell to the ground, but shot the other members in the kneecaps. She saw the Skinz leader rush out and take a car. She followed him, in "her" van and started a chase. She turned sharply over a mountian curve still tailing the car, she crashed into and performed the P.I.T. manuver. The car spun out and it fell off the mountain. She stepped out and said: "Follow my orders dipsh*t. Tell your pussy gang to go see Starkweather. She threw down a lighter and walked away from the scene. Stay tuned for Chapter 6! Chapter 6: The Hoodz Edited May 25, 2007 by speekers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vicecitylover400 Posted May 27, 2007 Share Posted May 27, 2007 We wish you will please STOP!!!!!! Making this J UNK! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted May 27, 2007 Share Posted May 27, 2007 We wish you will please STOP!!!!!! Making this J UNK! It's better than your f*ckin garbage, you suck. Keep writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coral_City Posted May 27, 2007 Share Posted May 27, 2007 The chapters are just way to short to be even called "chapters" -- unless I'm mistaken, this doesn't look like some sort of a 'diary-esque' account of what happened to May. The description is simple, leaving certain parts bland and just tasteless. There are numerous grammar and spelling errors. And is it just me, or is this starting to lean towards a script-style fan-fic? There's not much depth in this story -- leaving me with nothing positive to write about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speekers Posted May 28, 2007 Author Share Posted May 28, 2007 The chapters are just way to short to be even called "chapters" -- unless I'm mistaken, this doesn't look like some sort of a 'diary-esque' account of what happened to May. The description is simple, leaving certain parts bland and just tasteless. There are numerous grammar and spelling errors. And is it just me, or is this starting to lean towards a script-style fan-fic? There's not much depth in this story -- leaving me with nothing positive to write about Yeah, most of the time my chapters are short. But there will be alot of them (hopefully) P.S. I'm working on Chapter 6 now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted May 28, 2007 Share Posted May 28, 2007 I agree with Coral on the chapters being short, the multitude of grammatical errors, and the way it's gone from correct dialouge to a script ... as well as the description being extremely simple. I would also like to add that the story doesn't flow well, and is very hard to follow. I sometimes get lost in the point you're trying to put forward ... it seems very fragmented at times and it seems to skip through things without truly describing what just happened. And remember, there may be a lot of chapters, but that doesn't make them better. It's quality, not quantity. You could make 100 poor chapters and nobody would bother reading them because it's not enjoyable. Work carefully on crafting a good 10 chapters, and you will receive praise. You don't always have to write something and post it straight away. Write it out, read over it again later - check over all of these mistakes for yourself. See if you can truly understand what the narrative is saying. Perhaps edit it a little - improve. Then post it, and see the difference! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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