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Grand Theft Auto: Delta City


Nikofan112

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Nikofan112

Delta City. The second worst city in America. Cold steel and dirty water. Aside from the Roundatian, the only upscale neighborhood in Delta City, nothing is good. The Mafia control the city. Mainly, the Reldesi family, led by Don Antonio Reldesi, and his Capo lapdog Jeremy Corsia. Smaller gangs vie for control of Reldesi Family turf. Only 1 has ever gained ground. The Syndicate, an illegal street racing ring. Our story begins with Andre Callahan, one of the fastest rank climbers in Syndicate history, until his life makes a U-turn.

 

Charactors

 

Andre Callahan-Main Protagonist

Antonio Reldesi-Main Antagonist

Geoff Bishop-Major Protagonist

Jeremy Corsia-Major Antagonist

 

Gangs

 

Name-Type-Leader

 

Syndicate-Street Racing-???

Reldesi Family-Sicilian Mafia-Don Antonio Reldesi

Guerillas-Multi-Geoff Bishop

Sereras-Hispanic Gang-Luis Menendez

Kings-African American-Marcus Clapton

Yakuza-Japanese-Rejin Kurasai

 

Be sure to vote good!

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Not a bad teaser, but we can't really pass judgement until you actually post some of it. wink.gif

 

Vote good? What's the point.... yet.

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Nikofan112

Here we go, Next Chapter.

 

Midnight. Perfect. No traffic, police or any "Unwanted interference" As me and my new WRX STI pulled up to the starting line, i asw my opponent in his Evo VIII. Nick Paulson. Pushover. As the starter came between us, we made eye contact. He gave me evil eye, i played it cool. The race started. It vas close all down Truman Blvd. until i gave it some NOS. Easy win. No pink, but 5k. Things were perfect, until I saw them. Antonio Reldesi and Corsia, must have been on their way to hell, and stopped by. Corsia was talking to Jared, the orchistrator of this little drag. Corsia then approached me. I kept my P229 close by. "The Don wants to meet you in person. Said he wanted to meet the prodigy himself." He was full of sh*t. But I played along. I followed the Don's 300c , and i was followed by Corsia in his Ferrari Testarosa. I still don't understand how the hell he can afford that. We approached the Dons house in the Roundation. I followed him into his home. 'nice place.' " Sit." "Mr. Reldesi,"

"Please, call me Toni."

"Ok, Toni. What do you want me for."

" You are a very good racer. I saw you today. We could use a guy like you. With you, we could retake the Racing scene in this city.

"Sorry, but im with the Syndicate. I wouldnt betray my onw kind. No one in the Syndicate would."

" Really. Check outside."

I bolted to the front door. I got there in time to see that damn Paulson tearing off with my car, picking up cash from a Reldesi wise guy.

"F*uk" As i ran toward Corsia's Testarosa, I felt a blunt pain in the back of my head as everything went black.....

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Nikofan112

New Chapter. (And Andre is telling the story in the first person.)

 

I woke up about, god, i dont know. Could have been an hour, could ave been a week. My watch was missing, so was my class ring. Damn, these homeless work fast. My wallet was gone. Sh*t, no money either. But i didnt care about any of those. I just wanted my car back from that Syndicate turncoat Paulson. And get my hands on those Reldesi mobsters. Especially the Don. He realy deserves to get popped. I checked my coats inner pocket. My P229 was still there. I left the ally i was dumped in, and checked my surroundings. Looks like i am in the Ironworks. More specificly on Carson Island. I think the Ironworks was Guerrila territory. But they are at war with the Kings. Better be sure to watch out for Blue GTOs. Might get caught in a DB. I wasnt sure where exactly in the Ironworks i was. I wasnt there too much. I think i have a safehouse on Carson Isl. In the Fort Setre area. fort Setre was the home turf of the Serera gang, a fierce latino gang. I am on good terms with their leader, Luis Menendez. Maby he can provide me with some work. I also have a car in the garage of my safehouse. My first car, a Mitsubishi Eclipse. I guess i have to walk. This could take a while.

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Nikofan112

Sorry, I was in Charlotte the past 2 days. Heres a new chapter!

 

As I drove the streets of Fort Setre in my old black Mitsubishi Eclipse, I wondered how he could get back at the Reldesi Family, the biggest crime family in the south east. I would need alot of both firepower and manpower. I approached the residents of Luis Menendez, leader if the Fort Setre Sereras. They are centered around car theft, repair and modification. I saw an 64' Chevy Impala, parked beside an old 49' Chevy Fleetline. Both Luis and his brother Alberto were home. I saw several Sereras hanging outside his house. As i approached the door, one of them shot me a nod. I went in to his house, and i saw Luis and Alberto sitting around with some Sereras.

"Hey, Andre, long time, eh, long time."

"Yeah," I faintly responded.

"Well, what you need?"

"The Reldesi's took everything from me. I need to get it all back."

"Well, I cant really help right now. These damn Guerillas wont stop."

"How did this war start?"

"I don't know. One day, the Guerillas just launched an attack on our turf. They didnt take the area, but they killed almost everyone there."

"I think i'll check into this."

 

 

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biggrin.gif Nice biggrin.gif

cant wait for a new chapter cool.gif

intresting whats going to happen with the main hero , and will the Serera gang help the main hero... (voted good)

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Coral_City

Okay...

 

A couple of things:

- spelling errors

- punctuation

- grammar

 

Three basic things and you've already missed out on most of them. Although, nobody's perfect...this is why we reread things and use a spell checker smile.gif

 

I can understand the usage of car names, as your fanfic seems to be surrounding the whole illegal race idea (e.g. Fast and the Furious). But really things such as:

 

 

As me and my new WRX STI pulled up to the starting line, i asw my opponent in his Evo VIII. Nick Paulson.

 

Ask a person if they care about the car names all that much. I suffered this problem in my fanfic for a little bit and realized it really does detract from reading experience.

 

 

I think i have a safehouse on Carson Isl. In the Fort Setre area. fort Setre was the home turf of the Serera gang, a fierce latino gang. I am on good terms with their leader, Luis Menendez. Maby he can provide me with some work. I also have a car in the garage of my safehouse. My first car, a Mitsubishi Eclipse. I guess i have to walk. This could take a while.

 

Here, it sounds like the protagonist is simply dictating to the reader. You have to make sure things flow smoothly. Example:

 

 

I think I have a safehouse out in Fort Setre. Good thing the Serera gang lays on that turf. Gotta talk to Luis Menendez, maybe he can get me some work. Damn...this is gonna be one long walk

 

That's how I would've wrote it...something like that, a rough example.

 

Also, you could make the chapters a bit more longer, that way you can add in dialouge/action. Other than those major things, if you can fix 'em up, this could turn into a decent story.

 

Edit: If you're looking for some good examples, check out Life and Death in the Grove, Mascara & Paranoia and Grand Theft Auto: Gran Aroca

Edited by Coral_City
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Nikofan112

Ok dude, thanks Coral. I see what your talking about. But short chapters are quinticential in building suspense. Anyway, Here's a new chapter.(Its shorter than normal. I too tired to write that much.)

 

"Why would the Guerrilas randomly attack the Sereras. Last time i checked, the Sereras were buying guns off the Guerrilas. Must have missed a payment or something." As i drove to the Ironworks, i saw a Guerrila squad attack a group of Sereras, so I gave chase. But, they didn't return to the Ironworks. They went... to the Roundation! "The Reldesi's are trying to provoke a gang war? This is big. Better call Luis, make sure he doesn't launch a counter-attack on the Guerrilas. They would massacre them." I called him immediatly. "Yo man, whats with you?"

"The Reldesi's, its the Reldesi's."

"What are you talking about, holmes.?"

"The Reldesi's are trying to provoke a gang war between the two of you by framing the Guerrilas."

"Oh, SH*T, I gotta call back Alberto. I sent him with some homies to send a message to Geoff."

Edited by Nikofan112
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Well, there's two ways I can look at this.

 

Number one would be to look at it in the same way I look at any narrative-driven fanfic, and I would state that the chapters are rediculously short (one paragraph? come on, please), the description is extremely flawed and that the story has pretty much no flow at all.

 

However, as I started reading it, I started looking at it in a second way. It reminds me of a personal diary written by the protagonist, and by thinking of it this way, I actually started enjoying to read it. What Coral was saying about the story only dictating to the reader - if you look at it like it's a diary, it fits really well, and it's how I'd expect it to be written. It also explains why the chapters are so short - diary entries don't usually take up pages and pages! wink.gif

 

Well, just some thoughts I have on it. If you do aim for it to be a serious narrative piece, then I think there's a long way to go to improve it to the level of other pieces. If you're happy with it being more of a personal account of events in the story, well, I think you're doing a good job.

 

You're choice, I guess. I look forward to the next installment to see what you choose! tounge.gif

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Nikofan112

Thanks. You know what i was goin' for

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