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Mascara & Paranoia


Oxidizer

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I loved it so far. The way you detail everything is incredible, you're an amazing writer. icon14.gif

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Thanks for the wicked feedback! I'm glad you're liking it. biggrin.gif

Edited by Oxidizer
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OG-LOC R360

Why do I get this feeling this is the rival to MY story? It's good but could be better. Why isn't anyone responding to both topics, like a lack of respect.

 

Click below, read, then respond there, while you're waiting, OK.

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Why do I get this feeling this is the rival to MY story? It's good but could be better. Why isn't anyone responding to both topics, like a lack of respect.

 

Click below, read, then respond there, while you're waiting, OK.

Your story is kinda boring, sorry.

 

And Oxidizer talked about doing this before you posted your story. So he isn't "rivaling" your story.

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Why do I get this feeling this is the rival to MY story?

I don't get it. What story am I supposed to be rivaling here? Could you maybe give me a link or something? confused.gif

 

Oxidizer talked about doing this before you posted your story. So he isn't "rivaling" your story.

Thank you, dude.

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Very nice, I like your writing style. Excellent description, very detailed; enjoyable to read. The composition of the whole thing is very neat - good start to the story. I like the title as well, unique! tounge.gif

 

It's quite an innocent start to what sounds like a very dark and sinister piece, so I'm eager to see how it progresses. Looking forward to the next chapter!

 

@ OG-LOC R360 - Rival to your story? Well, erm, this is absolutely nothing to do with your story, clearly. So I don't see what you're trying to achieve, except shamelessly advertise your own story in someone else's topic ... not cool. confused.gif

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Wow. Thank you. colgate.gif

 

I'm pleased you like it so far!

 

 

It's quite an innocent start to what sounds like a very dark and sinister piece, so I'm eager to see how it progresses. Looking forward to the next chapter!

 

The chapters are going to get darker and darker from here on. It'll be a slow burning story, so you won't get to "see" the actual murder(s) until the last part - but it'll have a sinister build up. ph34r.gif

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Which makes me like the sound of it even more! A slow, tense buildup is much better than just blazing into a random murder of some sort - I can imagine this being truly gripping stuff if we get to know the characters and it all leads into a huge climactic ending! It will definitely have much more effect, anyway. tounge.gif

 

It's very different in comparison to most other things on here as well, so that makes it even more enjoyable to read as it's a contrast to the constant fanfics and GTA. As I've said, looking forward to the next part! colgate.gif

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OG-LOC R360
Why do I get this feeling this is the rival to MY story?

I don't get it. What story am I supposed to be rivaling here? Could you maybe give me a link or something? confused.gif

 

Oxidizer talked about doing this before you posted your story. So he isn't "rivaling" your story.

Thank you, dude.

It's in my sig, below, and the reason I thought it was rivaling yours is because there are very similar ratings, and views per time, and such.

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Which makes me like the sound of it even more! A slow, tense buildup is much better than just blazing into a random murder of some sort - I can imagine this being truly gripping stuff if we get to know the characters and it all leads into a huge climactic ending!

That's what I'm hoping for anyway. tounge.gif

 

Kim's the main character, so it goes without saying her character developes a whole lot. Mickey and Leon have some dark stuff coming up too.

 

Each chapter from now on only consist of two scenes (mainly because I'm too lazy to write the stuff that happens 'off screen', so to speak) but I think it gives the story a nicer flow and style this way.

 

Nice f*ckin' story so far.

Amazing details, you're a great writer.

Keep it up, please.

Heh. Thanks, mate. I'm glad you're liking it! colgate.gif

 

It's in my sig, below, and the reason I thought it was rivaling yours is because there are very similar ratings, and views per time, and such.

Ah, I see. Uh, sorry? confused.gif

 

Anyway, the next chapter should be up Tuesday onwards. ph34r.gif Stay tuned...

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Cool story so far dude, very well detailed and interesting enough to follow and not get bored!

 

Ill definetly be on the look out for the next chapter!

 

icon14.gificon14.gif thumbs up smile.gif

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Hey, thanks! tounge.gif Pleased you're liking it.

 

It's taking a bit longer than I thought so here's a teaser until the next chapter - called Photographic - is complete:

 

 

From inside the dark Mercedes that was parked across the street, a man's voice ominously whispered to the other man present...

 

"That's the one."

 

A stark finger, darkened due to the lack of light in the car, pointed to Michelle as she leant back and laughed at something one of her friends said, setting her cappuccino back on the glass table.

 

The lens zoomed in and with a click of the camera, several snapshots were developed from the Polaroid; capturing Michelle's moments to perfection. Like a model on a photo shoot.

Edited by Oxidizer
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cool, this is definetly my favourite story at the moment.

 

keep it up man, cant wait for the next chapter... great detail and keeps me constantly interested! good job dude.

 

makes me want to start my own story... hmmm maybe i will tounge.gifbiggrin.gif

 

 

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Mister Zero

Very nice story, good grammar and easy to just open and read. icon14.gif

 

Rated good.

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cool, this is definetly my favourite story at the moment.

Heh. Sweet! biggrin.gif I'm glad you're enjoyin' it.

 

makes me want to start my own story... hmmm maybe i will

Now that's just awesome. You should! I'd read it.

 

Poor Michelle , wrong place wrong time

lol.gif My thoughts exactly when I was writing it.

 

Very nice story, good grammar and easy to just open and read

Thanks, man!

 

So pleased you guys like it.

 

Not sure when the next part will be up (probably either Friday or the weekend), but from here on you get a good idea of who's doing all the stalking/killing etc. ph34r.gif

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I just found a short live video of the tune used during the warehouse rave scenes. You can watch it

. And here's a small soundclip of the track mentioned in the first chapter. tounge.gif Enjoy!
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Red_Jacks&Purple_Nines

I'm really liking this story man! Very detailed and well written. Can't wait for more! icon14.gifrahkstar2.gif

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Thanks! colgate.gif I'm glad you like it.

 

Here's a tiny summary of the next chapter - called "8mm":

 

The gang are unable to cope with their loss - especially Leon. Kristy and Russell have a suspicious conversation.

 

Not sure when it'll be up but I'm hoping either before or during the weekend. ph34r.gif

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Tense ending, good work. As with the first chapter, very engaging to read, enjoying it so far! wink.gif

 

One thing that irked me a little, though, is the detail you constantly seem to focus in on to describe the characters - you always seem to be referring specifically to one aspect of them and then continually using it to describe them. For example, when describing Mickey, you constantly refer to him as having 'brown eyes' (read: 'chocolate-colored-eyed one' ... lol?), Courtney is constantly the 'platinum blonde' and Leon is always the 'film student' ... perhaps a little variation in the description, if not simply using their names? Dunno, maybe it's just me, it annoyed me a little to see the same description all the time, hehe. tounge.gif

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Thanks for the feedback and encouraging words! colgate.gif

 

lol. I know, I noticed that too. I was tired (here comes the excuses... tounge.gif ) and was determined to finish it before I went to bed, so it does get a little rushed during the last half.

 

I'm hell-bent on having the last 3 parts perfect though. This is where the story takes a more darker turning point.

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Yeah fair enough, it's nothing big really! When something is good though, only the little things are left to improve on! wink.gif

 

Looking forward to seeing how it all unravels.

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Awesome. I'm glad you're lookin' forward to it! colgate.gif

 

And I'm also pleased you pointed out the description thing too; I've fixed it up a little bit, and I think it makes more sense now. So thanks.

 

The next part should be up over the weekend. ph34r.gif Untl then, here's the remaining chapter titles [in order]:

 

8mm

Cinematography

Static

Edited by Oxidizer
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ph34r.gif Here's a small teaser until the next part is ready:

 

 

The synthesized and thumping baselines of PaniK? by Diary of Dreams blared out of the dark Mercedes as it pulled up outside Kristy's Klub. The driver's side opening, where a well-dressed man stepped out, rounding the jet-black vehicle and opening the rear door; allowing Russell to make his exit. The music now silenced.

 

He nodded his thanks before taking long strong strides up the steps leading to the nightclub's entrance. A bouncer held the door open for him and stood aside, making room for the athletic businessman to make his way inside. Russell held his gaze on the random bouncer for a second, frowning disappointedly. "Where's that other bloke who works the doors?" he clarified when he was met by a deadpanned response. "Mickey."

 

"He's got the week off following the murder of that girl." the bouncer dryly informed, clearing his throat and motioning his head as a way of telling the dark green-suited man to go in.

 

Russell chuckled humorlessly to himself as he looked up from the ground to stare the bouncer in the eye. The unnamed bloke in his mid-to-late 20s swallowed nervously when Mr. Wallace's eyes darkened.  "Where's Kristy?"

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God damn, very good stuff mate, tense, descriptive and well set out. This could probably be turned into a (short) film script.

 

You write professionally or something?

 

By the way, your a brit as well aint ya bruv? tounge.gif

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Excellent as usual, looking forward to it even more. Love the style!

 

The one thing I find a little gimmicky (this isn't a criticism, by the way ... there's nothing wrong with it, per se) is the way you mention the titles of these random songs. I just find it funny seeing them written amongst all the tense narrative. biggrin.gif

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Excellent as usual, looking forward to it even more. Love the style!

 

The one thing I find a little gimmicky (this isn't a criticism, by the way ... there's nothing wrong with it, per se) is the way you mention the titles of these random songs. I just find it funny seeing them written amongst all the tense narrative. biggrin.gif

hehehehe dayamn you complain a lot!

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