Gouveia Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 (edited) Hey people! I'm new to the area... So, I'll try to do my best to post the chapters... Well, I'm thinking on making the story or not, but anyways, here's the things that I've already defined... Tell me what you think, them I post the other things ----------- The city will be called San Pablo, and it'll be based off São Paulo, in Brazil(a.k.a. where I live). The main character will be Marty, and he's a cop. I don't wanna spoil it all, but he get's in trouble, then it goes to a second part of the story. The year is circa 1990. ----------- CHAPTER HISTORY: Chapter 1:The Rookie Chapter 2:Rumble at the Stadium Thanks for reading it! -Gouveia- Edited March 11, 2007 by vinnygouveia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinful Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 (edited) O cara é policial? E é brasileiro e chama Marty? Ou a cidade é nos EUA e é só baseada em SP? oO Nada disso importa se você conseguir escrever bem. Boa sorte ;D PS: hehehe que legal isso, ninguém vai entender acima da linha ----------------------------------- I just don't like the fact that the guy's named 'Marty' (huh??) and that he's a cop. But, hey, what the hell, if you can write well, none of that matters. Write a chapter so 'we can see what you're made of'. xD Edited March 7, 2007 by Sinful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spenc938 Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Sounds OK. When are you actually going to write it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 @Sinful:Só é baseada... Marty em SP? Nem sonhando lol. E eu escrevi um capítulo beeeem nas coxas e depois eu posto @spenc:Yes, I'm gonna write it... I just wanted some coments on that first Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Well... This is the time for the truth ====================================================== Chapter 1 : The Rookie In the downtown distrcit of San Pablo, a strange guy came in the P.D. Officer:Welcome to SPPD. Can I help you? Marty:My name’s Marty, and I’m here as a recruit sir. Officer:Marty...Marty...Marty! Found... So, you’re supposed to go training, right? Marty:Yes sir. Officer:Good, your team will be Alpha for now, room 5. OK? Marty salutes the officer in a military way and heads to room 5. As soon as he enters the room, everybody’s messing around. When they norice that he’s in the room, they stop Greg:So, You’re the recruit that want to come in the team? Marty:Yes. Henry:Hey recruit. Joe:Yeah, hey there. Greg was the commander of the team. Marty could see that... Greg:So, you know how to shoot? Marty:A little... Greg:I mean, can you shoot with a REAL weapon? Like a .357? Marty:Well, I can try... Only shot with daddy’s old rifles... Greg:OK, this is loaded, so pack it and let’s go to the training area. Greg and Marty goes to the training area, and Marty gets a pretty respectable score... When all the training sections where ended, he was fully capable of answering any crime with the team. When they’re back in the room, they hear the radio calling. Central:Dispatch, we have a 10-12 on Paulistan Avenue near Paradise Station. Barricaded Armed suspect with hostage situation. The guy can be dangerous, he’s pyromaniach. Greg:Dispatch, Team Alpha answering the 10-12. Will report when in the location. Central:Roger that Alpha. Greg(to the team):Let’s go... Don’t forget the heat rookie. Henry:Literally! When they’re all in the car, they squeeze through the traffic to get in the store. When they get there, there is a burnt body on the front of the store. Greg:Dispatch, we’re in the store. Requesting the Paramedics. Central:Roger, ERV on route. Any more status? Greg:HOLY sh*t! There’s a fire here! Call the fire engines! Central:Copy, be careful alpha. Greg goes in. He finds the suspect with some bottles and a lot of fire sticks. Greg assume it’s all volatile liquids. Greg:Team, the guys have a lot of things that may go BOOM, so proceed with care. Marty goes in too, and he finds a hostage. He helps the hostag and takes it to the front of the store. In the exact moment, the paramedics come and the fire engines are hosing all the fires. All the alpha team is rescuing the hostages, but Marty goes in and trys to find a good position to hit the suspect. Marty:Greg, I’ll try to nail him. Greg:No, rookie, don’t do that. Too late, a loud BANG is heard. The suspect starts bleeding in the middle of the head. He’s dead. Greg:WHAT THE f*ck HAPPENED ROOKIE? Marty:Chill sir, he’s dead. Henry:A rookie killed him? Imposible! Joe:Come on! The guy can be lucky! Greg:Well, good job. Now take those guys outta here. Marty killed the guy and was being treated like a king. Nobody remembered he was a rookie anymore, he was a normal officer for them... ===================================================== C&C please... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinful Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 I like it. Although the way he became a cop so easy sounded a little strange, I like it. "Paulistan Avenue near Paradise Station." meh, loved this line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 @Sinful: I jumped some parts, let's say the story will have flashbacks And yes, It was on purpose on that line Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cawlyeah Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Nice dramatic artwork. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-/TNT\- Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 @Kolji: What artwork? @Vinny: That was pretty good, but it all hapenned a bit too fast. Keep going though /rated good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cawlyeah Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 TNT: Sorry, wrong word used. I wanted to say "Nice piece of work" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spenc938 Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Pretty good. Try to get future chapters longer though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 @ TNT and Spenc: Thanks! I'll get better though(I hope) @Kolji:Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 A bit unrealistic and stuff, but here it comes! ============================== Chapter 2: Rumble at the Stadium Marty is in the station playing poker with his team. Then, the radio is calling them: Central:Dispatch, there’s going to be a soccer match, and it’s better to be ready. Greg:Roger that. Alpha Team is going there. (To the team) Ok ladies, let’s go. Marty knew how disastrous could be that match, as all of the others. When them all jump in the van, they all went through the River way untill they got to the stadium. As they waited, when there were 5 minutes for the end of the match, all the hell broke loose in there. Greg:Dispatch! We need ERVs and backup here! Central:Roger that. Greg(to team):GO GO GO GO! Henry:sh*t, we should wait for the backup man! Marty:Anyways, f*ck that. I’m going in. Joe:Hehe... The rookie thinks he’s though. Marty:So why don’t you go in there though guy? Joe:OK,OK,OK... Let’s go. Marty and Joe grabs some equipment from the van and some non-lethal ammo. As soon as they get in the stadium, some angry guy trys to knock both out. Marty gets the pistol and shoots the guy with pellets. When he comes down, he puts handcuffs in him. Marty:Busted, sucker! Joe:Nice one! And look... the backup is here! The other teams come in the stadium, arresting everyone that came in their way. But then, a shot is heard and then an explosion. Marty:HOLY f*ck! Joe:THERE, THAT ASSHOLE HAS A GUN! TAKE COVER! The guy shoots again. But then another shot is heard, but it wasn’t the same type of bullet, because it was like a whistle. Then they saw a group of people, wearing black. They were armed with submachine guns. The cops were frightened, as they only took non-lethal ammo and no armor. Joe:We’re f*cked... Marty:NO! Let’s bounce man! Joe:EVERYBODY GET OUT OF THE STADIUM. They got out from another door. Then, it looked like a f*cking war. Explosions and machinegun whistles. Joe:Now let’s kill those motherf*ckers! Joe gets some S.W.A.T. equipment and give a weapon to Marty. Marty:What the f*ck is this? Joe:What? Never heard of Scarface? Marty:No sh*t... Joe:Yes sh*t! Marty and Joe goes in with those heavy weapons. When they spotted the group, they were not seeing the cops. Marty and Joe:SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRAGGIN’ FRIEND! They both shoot the grenades and the they unload all the bullets on the group. All but one is dead. That guy shots Joe in the leg and in the arm. Then Marty aims at the guy and... Marty: DIE MOTHEf*ckER! The guy goes BOOM! Marty calls the paramedics to the stadium and helps to take Joe to the ambulance. After some hours, Marty explainhs what happened to Greg and to Henry. Greg:Dudes with sub-machine guns wearing black? Marty: Yes, We could go to the morgue to try to find out who the hell are they... Henry: Good Idea... I have an idea on who they are though... Greg: So, who you think they are? Henry: Yakuza... ================ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinful Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Nice chap, tho I think maybe you should improve your english. No big deal, tho... Not like aaron's story, lol. PS: if you don't know who is aaron, do a little research on this or page 2 on this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spenc938 Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 A few spelling and grammar errors, but otherwise pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 i know who B18 is... And Yes, I'll improve my grammar, don't worry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serafim Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 i know who B18 is... And Yes, I'll improve my grammar, don't worry He's not talking about b18, he's talking about a random (coughs) brazilian guy whose msn is aaronlindu LOL. After that, you know what he is...b I haven't seen much of the history btw. I don't like much stories about cops, but anyways, I'm looking forward into it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 13, 2007 Author Share Posted March 13, 2007 aaronlindu? LOOOOL! And if you have any requests on the crime and that stuff, tell me and I'll try to d oit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinful Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Make him a 'corrupto' cop. lmao. Lack of words in english sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 I lack in grammar, you lack in words! By the way, you mean a bent cop... Não, minha idéia era que os outros fossem corruptos e traissem ele... aí ele é preso e volta em outro ano, querendo vingança(tipo Driver:Parallel Lines) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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