RearEndCollision Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 The alarm begins to go off; it’s 5:30 in the morning. Her eyes are already open and she has begun thinking that this will only get earlier and earlier. Tired, cracked and sore hands stretch across a face that has long ago begun to always be worn out; she’s losing herself and loving it. Feet hit the floor below and the next day begins the same as the last, by that same morning routine; it’s the only routine left because all others have failed, but not this one. Foot before foot she travels out of her tiny, vacuum of a room, and into the kitchen; a breakfast of nothing but cold water and cold reality is on the bill. It’s refreshing as it goes down, but like most things it has that side of reality to it which is as it always will be, hard to swallow. Today is different; there is a change in the pressure outside her apartment, and a changing of the tide. She moves to the open space she leaves in the only other corner in her chaos, she calls it her studio, or in more lost moments her catch-22 of life. It is the corner of her life that allows her to be free from herself, to let it go, but the whole while it is causing her to feel a little more empty every day from it’s never ending plague for more. The paint is already out and waiting for her. The light above flickers to exist and shines down upon a work in progress and a painting. It begins where it was left off, taking sips of her soul with every stroke of every line. For the next few hours that may as well be days from her, she does not stop. It envelopes her completely, and only when the straw has nothing left to sip does she draw to a halt. Hands shaking, body restless and altogether worn out she somehow manages to step out of her corner and back to her now emptied self. She sits in a chair against that wall for moments just like this; she’s already crying. Unsure of whether it is her working stealing her essence, or if it’s being in that now all too familiar state of lost, or if it just that she doesn’t know how to coexist in her own mind, but she needs a fix. She reaches for a pack that even for its failings can still bring with it a drag of calm. Smoke escapes her fiery lips billowing over the bite marks from an exhausted nervous habit. Drag by drag she collects what she can; she’s scared. © William Yager circa 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Thoughts? Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/268598-the-alarn-begins-to-go-off/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canofceleri Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 You need to read more prose. You compose very awkward sentences often and you make a lot of grammatical and spelling mistakes. Beyond that, the piece lacks a general purpose and the things you choose to reveal about the character don't make her easy to relate to or care for. You describe certain elements of her life, but you are never really specific which makes her even less sympathetic. The more you write and read, the better you'll get. Time helps too. Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/268598-the-alarn-begins-to-go-off/#findComment-4079423 Share on other sites More sharing options...
RearEndCollision Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 You need to read more prose. You compose very awkward sentences often and you make a lot of grammatical and spelling mistakes. Beyond that, the piece lacks a general purpose and the things you choose to reveal about the character don't make her easy to relate to or care for. You describe certain elements of her life, but you are never really specific which makes her even less sympathetic. The more you write and read, the better you'll get. Time helps too. I read lots of prose, and poetry. I understand the critique, but in my own defense I wrote in that style on purpose. I write lengthy, wordy, and awkward phrases because that's just one of my favorite styles. With this, I shoot for an image, and like many post-modern writers let the meaning be filled in by the reader; I do think that this one needs work because I'm not sure that there is enough for someone to get anywhere with this. Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/268598-the-alarn-begins-to-go-off/#findComment-4085216 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rown Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Overall: I like it. Though there were (what appeared to me) comma use errors... that might just be part of the style. Speaking of style: it flowed nicely but the ending, as you said, didn't really do anything. It feels incomplete to me... but I do enjoy it. Rown Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/268598-the-alarn-begins-to-go-off/#findComment-4085321 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forelli_Boy Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 That's...pretty deep, man. Groovy. Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/268598-the-alarn-begins-to-go-off/#findComment-4085407 Share on other sites More sharing options...
RearEndCollision Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 Overall: I like it. Though there were (what appeared to me) comma use errors... that might just be part of the style. Speaking of style: it flowed nicely but the ending, as you said, didn't really do anything. It feels incomplete to me... but I do enjoy it. Rown I am a comma whore, admittedly. I use them more so that I can have people need to take a break where I want them; although sometimes I do go astray with them. I agree that it does feel incomplete, I just cannot get back to where I started this so I haven't added to it or anything. Link to comment https://gtaforums.com/topic/268598-the-alarn-begins-to-go-off/#findComment-4086431 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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