whole lives

[Canofceleri]

whole lives.

 

 

i couldn't have been older than seven at the time i went to jersey to see my mother's uncle die (i'm still in doubt as to whether he would be considered my 'great' or 'grand' uncle). i did end up crying a little bit at the wake, though i'm still not sure exactly why... my mind was elsewhere and under the strict disorient of scatterbrained childhood... most likely the church full of criers is what got me started. seeing another person cry has always made my eyes swell a bit.

 

he was a pastor over some pentacostal church for quite sometime, they even named the street it was on after him once he died. he was loved and his dying was a huge tragedy, at least that's what my pre-adolescent brain deduced. i stayed at the hospital where he was dying for a few days, the whole family did-- it was all some weird adventure for me. despite living in new york, new jersey was unchartered territory for me, even the people i met that were introduced to me as family i had never seen before. it was sort of strange. i just knew that all this was the cause of a man being sick. he had cancer. he didn't have a long time. but i had no concept of death, people die? damn, these seven years have been crawling on by... i bet he lived a loooong time. i was made to go to church, but i always just hid between pews and played with my action figures on the floor.

 

that particular night had been long, i was with some other kids in a waiting area, which looked over an entire city, next door to where great/grand uncle was dying. and then a woman with her eyes wet and red came in laugh-crying... he was dead... why was she laugh-crying? because he's in heaven now. look out there, you can see his soul drifting upward towards heaven. really? i see some stars, possibly an airplane. i want to see what a soul looks like!

 

people die. but i'm seven and that wont happen to me or my parents for almost eternity. like dad always says, i have my whoooole life ahead of me. my whole life.