The Funfair

[Kippers]

I wrote this a few weeks back for an English homework and got an A+ for it and 1 pound of the English teacher.

 

Don't read this expecting the roller coaster to break down or anyone to die coz that's not what happens. It's a descriptive piece so it focuses mainly on sight, sound, taste etc.

 

Hopefully anyone who reads this wont find it boring and appreciates it.. or whatever

 

May not look like it, but this is 1 and a half pages of size 12 arial writing, so, even though it doesn't look like, it is actually quite a lot.

 

Please note that i suck with paragraphing.

 

 

The Funfair

 

Trucking up the steady incline, oily clogs and cranks chugging away, moving the carriage ever so slowly further away from the ground, a sense of vertigo mixed in with the excitement and fear of being so high in the air came together to give a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, my heart thudding away deep inside my chest, still calming down from the last drop. I took a deep breath in, and felt relaxed, still clutching tight on to the metallic, warm, sweaty bars trapping my legs inside, a look of surprise remaining on my face, jaw aching from my gawping mouth. Coming to my senses again as we neared the top, I could hear nothing but the faint laughter of girls a few seats behind me, giggling amongst themselves and fearing the next plunge and the loud chug, chug chug, chug of the chain pulling the carriage up with all its might, gluing everyone with sweat to the back of the seats. I lifted my hand from the bar in front of me and wiped my forehead as I felt the slight tickle of sweat forming and falling like raindrops on windows from the heavy setting sun beating down on all the bodies high up above everyone else. We neared the motor box at the top of the incline running the motor, the sudden stench of oil stayed with me for a few second as we passed by, soon to be overwhelmed by the smell of clean, fresh air clearing my nose and relaxing me somewhat before the inevitable fall.

I peered over the edge of the carriage sheepishly, not taking well to great heights. Everything below the massive structure of intertwining green poles and mechanics making up the rollercoaster was nothing more than a small dot on the ground, like ants running around in no organized fashion, a confusion of reds, yellows, greens and blues, queues for rides stretching out nearly as far as the theme park entrance, the silly looking man in the yellow duck costume prancing around, welcoming people to the park, pestering them to have a photo taken with him, following them until they give in to their children jumping up and down admiring the amusing costume.

From so high in the bright blue sky everything was visible, from the row upon row of mini game stores in the far corners of the park, to the bored parents waiting patiently for their children to get off rides and the lights flashing on the Ferris Wheel as it spun round slowly, allowing everyone to get a wonderful view of the rest of the park.

The carriage turned a corner violently, throwing everyone off guard and tossing me against the side of the carriage, a sudden rush of pain in my arm as it was crushed under my weight and force of the turn.

As I opened my eyes, we had turned away from the main face of the theme park now and looked out upon the red topped houses surrounding the park on all sides, parked cars overcrowding the streets below and horns from those who just wanted to get through the holiday slackers who had parked on the sides of the roads. I could also make out the brightly coloured buckets and spades, neatly lined up outside shop fronts, and mums and dads in bathing suits relaxing on the sandy white beaches below, the edge of the waves lapping over their toes as the tide came in, quickly filling up the holes and washing away sandcastles made by the little ones with not even a pardon or sorry.

With the new direction of the carriage came a change in wind direction, now blowing directly into my face all I could smell was the faint whiff of salty sea air and sweetness of the candyfloss machine down on the ground, whirring away in the tranquillity of the moment.

I averted my gaze for a split second and peered ahead of me, past the slick black hair of the man blocking my view to the couple at the very front, looking down and starting to get giddy and excited, smiling at each other as we neared the final drop of the rollercoaster. I found my self automatically grasping tightly onto the metal bar, still warm, unable to get a good grip because of my sweaty palms. I felt a shiver of pure excitement and adrenaline run down the tip of my back as all my weight was thrusted onto my arms as the carriage started to dip down in suspense, I shifted my weight slightly as I started preparing myself for the drop. Gazing down over the side for one last time, I could see people stopping in the middle of the paths, staring up at us on the ride, waiting for it to fall, some even waving up to us and screaming words of encouragement for the track to drop us. I licked my lips as the wind made my mouth dry, I could only just taste the toffee apple I had eaten earlier that day and hoped that that taste wouldn’t be replaced with that of vomit.

All of a sudden the breaks were released with a loud squeak and a quick clunk of the metal, the carriage hurtled down the track in a free fall, nothing to stop it as it we fell vertically downwards, the blistering wind cracking my dry lips and G forces, pulling my mouth and face backwards as I screamed, sucking everyone up to the back of their seats. An overpowering sound of delayed screams and laughter drowned anything coming from below, the rumble and bumps from the tracks knocking everybody about in their seats, bums flying off seats and hands losing grip over the metal bars, leaving you almost floating in midair for a second or two, waiting for you to land, welcomed by a scream as you landed back in the seat. Everything that could previously be seen and heard from above was now just a huge blur of colours rolled into one, from the balloons at the balloons stall to the horn that started and ended the bumper cars, all of which seem to just disappear over the rush of blood to the head, excitement to the stomach and the amount attention being focused on just staying in your seat long enough to survive the fall.

 

[Greene]

More Paragraphs, my eyes hurt

 

As for the essay, it was very good. It's very detailed and well written. Alot better than I could write.

Good Work

[Kippers]

Hehe yeah, sorry

 

glad someone likes it

[Ottae]

It's good, better than my descriptive piece was. But you were right, your paragraphing is terrible and you'vr got sentances 3 and 4 lines long! Try ending a sentance instead of adding a comma, it sometimes emphasises a certain point and it's ok to have short sentances.

 

Good piece though Kips

[Kippers]

Thanks Otts

 

there are more paragraphs there than there were in the original

[Greene]

 

there are more paragraphs there than there were in the original 

Did you're teacher go blind by any chance?

[XxDarkxPsychicxX]

Nice essay, kippers.

 

It's well-written and very descriptive, but short sentences are better than run-on sentences. The paragraphing could be better, also. Not sure if you originally did, but when I write essays, I double-space it so that it can be read easily.

 

Now excuse me while I go check my eyesight.

[beanmachine43]

*Rubs eyes*

 

Nice piece of work you got there, kippers. It's defintely in-depth and pays attention to detail. Though, like DarkPsychic noted, the sentences were a bit on the long side. I have that same problem too, but I see it as giving my writing more personality, honestly. Liked the ending especially, literally a "rollercoaster".

 

Wow, I just killed it.

[Kippers]

lol,you can talk about rubbing your eyes. That red text on the Christmas skin is a killer

 

Glad you guys like it I guess I've gotta improve on my paragraphing then.