akdealer Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Many of you think he is dead,but you will be proven wrong with this story. Tommy wakes up in a hospital bed and looks around the room. There are tubes up his nose and he notices the bandaid on his head. He is in immense pain and is deeply swallowed by confusion. -How the f*ck did I end up in this place? A nurse enters the room. -Good morning mr.Vercetti,here is your breakfast. Tommy stares at the tray which contains a sandwich and a glass of orangejuice. He eats his breakfast ande when he is about to finish,two young and goodlooking ladies come in. -Good morning Tommy,we will be your psychologists during your stay here. You need to start taking these pills,they will make you feel better -Pills!?I dont need no motherf*cking pills! Chapter 2 "Here yo go,5000 dollars" The next day Tommy was sent home to his uncle who lives in the north side of Miami. -Hey Tommy! Are you okay? Let me carry your bags. -Im not okay,this whole sh*t is f*cked up,I dont remember anything. -Dont worry about it. I went to the drugstore and got your pills. You know Tommy,you need to calm your nerves and these pills will help you do that. -What the f*ck happened to me? I want answers! -Look Tommy...ok I´ll tell you straight up what happened. You jumped off a bridge. -Well that explains it,your telling me I tried to take my life!? Uncle nods. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I guees I was wrong, but you need to lengthen your chapters, for two chapters, that is incredibly short Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akdealer Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 Sure thing blackadder,long post next time,that was just an hour-douvre for ya... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 That took you an hour to write? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akdealer Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 nah man 20 mins,30 tops,but if u want longer you will get longer...stay tuned! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Ok, just make sure they are longer, and fix the structure alittle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinful Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Looking nice, but it desperatly needs longer chapters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted November 23, 2006 Share Posted November 23, 2006 I started reading, then like 10 seconds later I saw "Chapter 2" and laughed out loud They need SERIOUS lengthening, a few lines about Tommy getting some breakfast really isn't a chapter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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