A Vice City Robbery

[GentlemanSquid]

this is my first story

 

A Vice City Robbery

 

Its january 22nd 1986 20:58 , at a corner shop some were in Vice City, a tall man wereing a ballaclaver busts into the corner shop with a gun, shoots all the cameras he shouts "get down", he puts the gun to the cashiers head, he says to the cashier "give all your money if not i will blow your fu*king brains out, the man stops and says "whats that sound", " what sound" says the cashier "you called the fu*king cops", he puts the gun to the cashiers head and fires,he grabs the money from the till and runs through the back door, two cops bust through the door, a scared old women says " he went through the back",the man runs through the alley jumps in to a car waiting for him, he speeds off, the cops are too late, in the getaway car the man takes off his ballaclaver to reveal its

 

to be continued.

 

tell me what you think

Edited October 21, 2006 by gta_talk

[Blackadder.]

Is that Chapter 1 or what? The Intro? You need alot of work in sentence structure but if you can fix that up you should be good. If that is your first chapter then you need to make them longer

Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18

[GentlemanSquid]

its an intro, im gonna make it long as i go along

[Blackadder.]

Ok, but you need work on your grammar, and it seems a bit rushed, use full stops more often

[GentlemanSquid]

ok