Blackadder. Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 (edited) Supporter Userbar: Part 1 Synopsis:The year is 2000,Tim Vercetti, a young adult tired of the constant gang wars fought with his father, Tim is looking to settle into a peaceful life. But after his father is attacked and left on the brim of death, Tim gets thrown back in looking for the people that tried to kill his father. Tim will travel through Liberty City, Vice City and San Andreas to find and kill the pursuers of his father. Its time for Revenge. It's time for Tim to show what he has got. Quick Links Part 1 Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 & 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Part 2 Chapter 1,2 & 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Flashback Series Flashback 1 Flashback 2 Flashback 3 Flashback 4 Flashback 5 Flashback 6 Flashback 7 Flashback 8 Chapter 1: In The Beginning Tim is driving slowly down the streets of Starfish Island, Vice City in his Syno. He pulls into his dads place to see an ambulance and two medics there. He rushes out his car and over to the medics. Tim: What's going on? Medic: The man is suffering from severe gunshot wounds, and is in a critical state. Tim: Who are you talking about? Medic: Your father, Tommy Vercetti Tim: I can't believe this, WHO DID THIS? (Starts to get angry) Medic: Calm down Sir, we haven't got any idea, we aren't the police, but they did leave a brand new Blade at your father's driveway. Tim: Thanks, so what hospital are you taking him to? Medic: That one over there (points at the one in Little Havana) Tim hops in his Syno and rushes there ahead of the ambulance. 30 minutes later Tim: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG? Nurse: He has 10 bullet wounds we are on his 3rd, please remain calm. Tim: CALM? MY DAD MIGHT DIE, AND YOU WANT ME TO STAY CALM? Nurse: Sorry. We have bad news also, we need you to sign this form. Tim Reads form Tim: Medical Coma? Nurse: Yes it's the only way we can keep him alive Tim signs it and hands it back Nurse: Thanks Tim: (to himself) now it's my time to shine Enjoy Edited June 10, 2008 by Blackadder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaon, Lord of End Times Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Not bad. The chapters are too short, though. If you continue it, I'll be sure to follow along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 2, 2006 Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 (edited) Yes the chapters get longer as it go's on, Chapter 5 is very long, I will edit this post with Chapter 2 soon. EDIT: Chapter 2 Chapter 2: The Discovery Tim is walking to his father’s mansion when a blade drives past Tim: Interesting All of a sudden the blade pulls a 180 and starts heading for Tim Tim: Hey what are you doing! Tim pulls out his Colt Python and aims it at the drivers head Tim: Take this Tim shoots as the driver jumps out and Tim dives out of way just in time. Tim: WHO SENT YOU! Driver: I was sent by... As he is about to say, Tim hears a gunshot and sees the driver fall onto the floor into his own blood. Tim: f*ck He looks up just in time to see a rifle drop from the tree where the assassin was hiding. He walks over and picks up the gun. Tim: Phil’s Fully Cocked 1998, Liberty City. f*ck this thing is old. Tim hops into the blade and heads to Escobar International Airport. When he gets there he notices two men dressed in dark suits Tim: This doesn’t look too good. I need a diversion. Just as Tim says that a woman bumps into one of the men and knocks her drink on him Woman: I’m so sorry Man: Just go The man rushes into the bathroom to clean up Tim: Score Tim slips past the other man and onto the plane. Now to Phil’s… Trust me they do get longer! Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaon, Lord of End Times Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 I like the story, needs a little more detail, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 (edited) Chapter 3: The Truth Tim walks off the plane at Francis International Airport. Tim looks for a car. Tim: Ah a Sentinel, I’ll take that one Tim breaks the lock and the alarm goes off Tim: sh*t He hops in and try’s to hotwire the car, but everything is different to Vice Tim: Damn piece of Then the engine starts, Tim drives off quickly He arrives at the Staunton/Shoreside Lift Bridge. He is waiting when two black sentinels come and start ramming him towards the ocean Tim: Who the f*ck? He looks in his rear view mirror to see two people hop out of both sentinels Tim: sh*t Tim hops out of car with his Sawn-off. He sneaks around the taxi and grabs one of the men. Man: No not you! He uses the man as a human shield and walks around the silver Stinger Man 2: Hey there he is! The other men open fire as Tim aims his Sawn-off at their heads Tim: Only two shots… He blows the head off one of them and shoots the other in the leg. The last man is cowering behind the taxi. Tim knocks out his human shield and picks up the cowering man. Tim: Who sent you! And no games this time! Tim shoves him into his sentinel and rushes away in fear of another person assassinating him. Tim: What’s your name? Man: My name…. is John Tim: John who? John: John Wilson Tim: Your related to that Ryder person I heard about? John: Yeh, I’m his brother Tim: Well why are you after me? John: You killed my brother Tim: I never even saw him! Now Tell me who sent you John: Carl Johnso… Tim: sh*t! Tim swerves at last minute to avoid hitting another Taxi, but loses control and hits the wall. Tim: Carl who? CARL WHO? Looks back Tim: sh*t, he’s dead. I’ve heard of a Carl Johnson in San Andreas, he did mention something about Johnson, guess that is where I’m heading, but not before I find Phil… I will try and put more detail in. Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaon, Lord of End Times Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Ah, you're getting better, just a little more detail and you're good. Keep 'em coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 7, 2006 Author Share Posted October 7, 2006 (edited) We are the only people posting Chapter 4: The Mexican After consulting a LC citizen Tim finds his way to Phil’s Fully Cocked. Tim: sh*t, this hasn’t been open for years, maybe there is someone in here Walks inside looking around Tim: Hello anyone there? Hello? Notices a note on the desk You have 30 seconds Tim, 30 seconds….. Tim: What’s that supposed to mean? Just as Tim reads the note a beeping noise starts Tim: Crap a bomb! That’s what the note meant! Timer on Bomb reaches 20 seconds Tim: sh*t! Runs to door, he finds it locked Tim: Who the hell? Smashes door down as a cop walks by Cop: Hey you hold it right there Tim: There’s a bomb! You have to go! Cop: I’m afraid I have to take you to the st… The Bomb blows the cop into bits. Tim gets in his car and heads for Portland Tim: sh*t the police! Cop: Give up now asshole, we know you put that bomb at that old shop Tim: Crap! They think I put it there. I remember dad telling me about 8ball, the person who helped him massacre all those people, in Harwood. I’ll go find him, but first I need to lose this tail. Cop: We have a sharpshooter in the Helicopter above you! He can and will shoot you if required Tim drifts around the corner, only to see a roadblock Tim: OH sh*t! Tim crashes through the roadblock and smashes his head on the dashboard Tim: f*ck, I’ve gotta shake the tail Tim drives on to the boat at Portland Docks Tim: I just need a change of clothes and a new car Tim rushes inside the hull and finds some overalls he then runs back on top of the deck and finds a manana. Tim: This will have to do Tim arrives at 8balls. He notices the sign says something, in a different language. He knocks on the door. Tim: Hello? 8Ball? A man opens the door Man: Who are you Tim: I’m looking for 8ball Man: 8Ball don’t live here man, The name’s Cesar Vialpando Tim: I’m Tim Vercetti They shake hands and Cesar invites him into his house Cesar: So what you doing here in Liberty eh? Tim: Someone is trying to kill my father, I’m looking for the people that put him in hospital Cesar: ok you uh need any help? Tim: The more the merrier Cesar: Cool, where we go? Tim: San Andreas Cesar: Woah pal, I don’t like Andreas no more, not after Carl took over, he become all mean and crazy Tim: You knew him? Cesar: Yeah, I helped him take over SA, but then 3 months later, he got really mad, at his brother at his sister and at me. Tim: You know why? Cesar: He said we weren’t good business associates Tim: Well I’m heading there because I think Carl is trying to kill me. Cesar: Really? Wow, Let’s go then EDIT: Fixed numerous typo's Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 cool dude! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rashon. Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 Yeah, great chapter and story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spenc938 Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 (edited) I like it too, keep them coming. Topic also rated as good. Edited October 7, 2006 by spenc938 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 (edited) Thanks everyone and here is chapter 5 Chapter 5: Welcome to San Andreas Cesar: We here hurray! Tim: You know a good place to stay? Cesar: Yeh, but its right next to Carl’s house Tim: It will have to do for now, how are we going to get there? Cesar: My girlfriend can drive my car over or we can catch a taxi to pick it up. Tim: Taxi would be best Cesar: Ok, pass me your phone Rings up Kendl Cesar: Hey Babe, me and a mate are swinging by to pick up my old car ok? Kendl: Ok honey, don’t be too long Cesar: I won’t (Hangs up) Lets go Tim! The Taxi pulls up at Kendl’s house. Cesar knocks on door Cesar: Hey babe we here we will just get car and go, ok? Babe? Tim: Something is wrong, I’ll get the car, you check inside Cesar: Keep the engine running Cesar unlocks door Cesar: Holy sh*t! Tim! We got company Kendl Is lying on the floor blood dripping from her head. Cesar check for pulse Cesar: She’s dead bro! Tim: How the f*ck did they know? Cesar: They must have tapped your mobile or something Tim: sh*t!, grab those guns, were gonna need them Cesar: sh*t someone’s here!, out the back! They run outside and stash the guns in the boot of Cesar’s car. They hear the door smash down Cesar: sh*t they inside! Tim: we don’t have long, I’ll drive you ride shotgun Cesar: Here’s the keys Tim: Lets roll They drive away just as the men run out the backdoor. Cesar pulls out a Desert Eagle. Cesar: Here they come! Keep it steady holmes! Cesar fires a shot into the tire of the pursuing Blade. It spins out and the Slamvan narrowly misses it. Cesar fires another shot, but it bounces of the tire Cesar: They got bullet proof tires!, your going to have to shake them yourself Tim: Perfect Cesar sits back down into seat Cesar: So where are we going? Tim: Los Santos International Cesar: Why there? Tim: I got my pilots license a few years back in VC, I doubt they will have one. Cesar: Nice idea They rush through the gates at Los Santos International Cesar: That plane over there! Tim: The dodo? Cesar: No, the Shamal! Tim: Nice choice They get out and rush into the Shamal. They see the pursuers hop out of there vehicle and into rustlers. Tim: Why are there rustlers here? Cesar: CJ’s request Tim: f*ck, this is gonna be one hell of a ride. Cesar: Where we going? Tim looks at GPS Tim: San Fierro… Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rashon. Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I liked that chapter. Too bad about Kendl. I want more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaon, Lord of End Times Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Excellent so far, man. Continue to 6. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spenc938 Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 You're gettin getter. Keep going and even more people will catch on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 (edited) Thanks everyone, and here is Chapter 6 Chapter 6: The Hunter A rustler shoots the left engine of the Shamal Tim: sh*t our left engine is out, they must have hit it good Cesar: Turn off the other engine then, we can glide down into the ocean Tim: Then we will just get sprayed with lead! Cesar: It’s our only choice holmes Tim: There? (points at part of ocean) Cesar: Yeh They fly straight into ocean Tim: Now what? Cesar: We swim! Tim: Oh great They swim to the shore Tim: Where are we? Cesar: Angel Pine ese Tim: We need a car Cesar: That sabre over there pal, lets get it They run over and hotwire it Tim: So you have to give me directions, where is Carl usually? Cesar: Well every week he drives around SA, today he’s heading to San Fierro to check out his garage, in Doherty At that moment a Limo with a Black Huntley at the front and back pulls up Man: Hey Cesar what’s happening? Cesar: Hey Carl not much just heading to San Fierro you know Carl: Who is in the car? Cesar: Oh no one big, just my friend Tim Vercet… Carl: YOU BROUGHT HIM HERE! I WANT HIM DEAD! A Hunter then fly’s over Mt Chilliad and heads toward Cesar and Tim Carl: Oh and Cesar, you’re fired Cesar: I TOLD YOU HE WAS CRAZY! Tim: Calm down, I’m a good driver Cesar: WELL FLOOR IT! Tim: You try and shoot the pilot of the hunter, I’ll get us out of here They drive off as the hunter gets closer. Tim heads under the tunnel and forces the Hunter to fly over. Tim: Sucker He heads for San Fierro as the Hunter proceeds following them Carl: Open fire nigga Pilot: Ok The Hunter fires bullets and hits other cars as the Sabre swerves narrowly avoiding the bullets Tim: sh*t I’m hit! Cesar: Over there through the tunnel then we safe! The Hunter then prepares to fire a rocket Cesar: sh*t he’s ready to fire rocket! Tim: Take him down! Cesar fires bullet just as the Pilot fires the rocket Cesar: Just make it in tunnel! Tim: Nearly… There He makes it into tunnel as rocket hits ground, the force blowing there car forward Tim: BAIL! BAIL! They jump out as the car flips and smashes into a pillar Cesar: That was too close holmes The Hunter smashes into the ground. Tim: Nice Shot! They run over to the Hunter and open the cockpit (what remains of it) Cesar: Holy Crap! Tim: You know them too? Cesar: He used to live in Grove Street! Tim: Who is it! Cesar passes out Tim: Bloody hell…. Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 bring it on dude.... i want mooooore! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spenc938 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Well, I am really starting to get in to this. Can't wait to see the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 (edited) Two Chapters back to back! Chapter 7: Dealing Revenge Cesar wakes up in a hotel in San Fierro Cesar: What happened? Tim: You passed out, now who was in the Hunter? Cesar: It was, it was Sweet Tim: who is Sweet? Cesar: Carl’s brother Tim: sh*t! Cesar: Your in deep sh*t now holmes Tim: I’ve got to explain this to him somehow, wait he thinks were dead right? Cesar: Guess so Tim: We have to kill him then Cesar: Now how we gonna take down Carl? Tim: Were going to need a big gang Rings up Vercetti Mansion Tim: Yeh I’m gonna need a load of men with lots of guns……… I don’t care how hard it is to get them here just do it! (hangs up) Cesar: What’s the plan now? Tim: Ok so my men attack his gang, he should drive there to help out and then we kill him Cesar: You want any of my men? Tim: Yeh that will help a lot Cesar: So when we start the plan? Tim: As soon as my men get here Chapter 8: Gang Warfare All of Tim’s men walk in Tim: Finally you’re here Men: Yeh whatever Cesar: Here’s my men Tim: Ok lets go everyone in the Sultan’s Cesar: We use the Sabre holmes Tim: So when I say execute all of you drive in and attack Gang Member: Why? Tim: It’s a diversion so Shut up and sit down! Lets go The Gang members are sitting in there cars at Doherty waiting for the signal from Tim Tim: Wait for it, wait for it EXECUTE! The Gang drives in and unleashes bullets Cesar: Here’s our chance Cesar drives around the block and in front of the garage window Carl: Who the f*ck? Tim: Surprise Carl grabs his Desert Eagle and Tec-9 Tim: I have a surprise for you! Carl: So do I Carl jump around corner and shoots Tim in leg, and then the chest. Tim falls on ground unconscious. Carl walks up to Tim Carl: Maybe I should murder you now, or maybe kill you while your in hospital! Cesar: Hey Carl over here Carl pulls out his Tec-9 and pumps Cesar in the chest with a full clip Carl: I knew I couldn’t trust you…. Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rashon. Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Great chapter. Can't wait for the next one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 (edited) Thanks, I am working on having all the chapters in the first post so you click and it takes you to my post that has that chapter Enough of my rambling here is Chapter 9 Chapter 9: The Hospital Tim: Ah f*ck my stomach… Where the hell am I? Nurse: You are in a Hospital Tim: What hospital? Nurse: Bone County Mental Institution Tim: GET ME OUT OF HERE! I AM NOT MENTAL Nurse: SECURITY! Security: Is there a problem Ms? Nurse: He just went psycho at me Tim: I AM NOT MENTAL The Security Officer tazers Tim Tim: Motherfuc…… Tim wakes up again Tim: I have to get out of here He notices a few extra pillows by the door Tim: Perfect He stuffs them under his bed and notices a scalpel near his bed Tim: What the? Tim stuffs it in his pocket and sneaks out the door. A guard is patrolling. Tim: Boo! Tim hides around a corner Guard: Who said that? Tim rushes around the corner and grabs the guard Tim: Where’s the exit? Guard: I’ll never tell you! Tim pulls out the scalpel and holds it to guards neck Tim: This is your last chance, where is the exit? Guard: It’s around that corner and then make a right, just please don’t kill me! Tim knocks the guard out and hides him in his room. He then heads for the exit. A guard notices him Guard: Hey you’re supposed to be in your room get back there! Before the guard can call backup Tim walks up to him and stabs him in the neck Tim: Was a pleasure knowing you Just that moment he hears a familiar voice Man: Hey where is Tim Vercetti? Receptionist: He is down there (points at Tim) Tim: sh*t its Carl Carl: Get the f*ck back here! Tim: sh*t He runs into his room and locks the door Tim: Now what The guard in his room slowly wakes up Carl: Open this door! Tim hits the guard over the head again. Tim quickly changes into the guard’s uniform and hides him in the closet. He puts the guards hat and shades on and walks out the door Tim: Sir he is in the closet Carl: Thankyou, what’s your name again? Tim: John, John Hadda Carl: Go have a beer, here’s $15 Tim: Thankyou Sir Tim walks off out the Institution Tim: Now I have to find Cesar… Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rashon. Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Haha, Tim got tazered. Kinda short but sweet chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spenc938 Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I need to buy San Andreas. I am lost, can't keep everyone straight. Maybe I'll read them all again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 Lol, yeh I'll organize the chapters tonight, it's messy as it is Next chapter tonight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-/TNT\- Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 (edited) Okay critic systems up and working. Testing 1 2 1 2. Begin: The story albeit weird is gripping. You use short sentences in the conversations giving the story a liveliness and the reader feels the action. The chapters are a bit too short which although is no bad thing, it makes the action stop sudennly. I found some mistakes though: Tim shoves him into his sentinel and rushes away in fear of another person assassinating him. How many times can someone be assasinated? Cesar unlocks door Cesar: Holy sh*t! Tim! We got company Kendl Is lying on the floor blood dripping from her head. Cesar check for pulse Cesar: She�s dead bro! Tim: How the f*ck did they know? Cesar: They must have tapped your mobile or something Tim: sh*t!, grab those guns, were gonna need them When Cesar and Kendl call each other "baby" and "honey", you expect Cesar to show some sorrow or relief or any feelings when he finds Kendl dead. I really like the story though. Don't take this post as me trying to make you look stupid or anything. I'm just a total a-hole when it comes to criticism. Of course I have no problem when people criticise me. As spenc938 says you are gettin getter Edited October 13, 2006 by -/TNT\- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 (edited) I will try and improve further chapters Here is the next chapter, alittle short, but leads up to a big chapter, I'm basing the chapter on one of my SAMP experiences Chapter 10: The Reunion Tim arrives at the old house next to Carl’s Tim: Cesar! Cesar! Come out! Cesar? Tim opens the door and sees Cesar on the table Tim: Wake up you idiot! He rolls Cesar over and sees blood on him Tim: Cesar No! Tim’s phone rings Tim: Hello, who is this? Tommy: It’s your old man! Tim: You’re out? Tommy: Yeh now where are you? Tim: I’m in San Andreas Tommy: I’ll be there ASAP Tim: Bye Tommy arrives Tommy: So who is this? Tim: It was Cesar, he helped me kill Carl’s Brother Tommy: Who the f*ck is Carl? Tim: The man that tried to kill you Tommy: Lets get the f*cker Tim: He’s dangerous, he almost killed me, and killed Cesar Tommy: Well I’ll call all my men… Tim: That won’t work! That’s what I tried! Tommy: Got any suggestions? Tim: Let’s go over to LV, I’ve heard of some Triad, who helps Carl run a casino Tommy: Let’s go Enjoy (there is also a twist in further chapters ) Edited October 21, 2006 by blackadder18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-/TNT\- Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 (edited) Yeah I like this chapter. Will the story have Toreno by any means? PS: In Greece everything is unorganised so I do not have school today nor Monday. 4 days off. Paradise regained...and close monitoring of your chapters Edited October 13, 2006 by -/TNT\- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 I might put Toreno in, or maybe a relative Oh no told too much, now to make off lik the ninja Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spenc938 Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Yeah I like this chapter. Will the story have Toreno by any means? PS: In Greece everything is unorganised so I do not have school today nor Monday. 4 days off. Paradise regained...and close monitoring of your chapters That's wierd, I don't have school either, and I live in the US. On topic: I wasn't trying to say that it is unorganized, I said that since I have never played the game I don't know who any of these people are which makes it hard to remember what is going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackadder. Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 I was planning to fix it up anyway, only now I am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-/TNT\- Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 I was planning to fix it up anyway, only now I am ... caught off guard, kicked while down you name it @spenc938: What no school Friday and Monday? Here we have local elections that's my reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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