GTA San Andreas Funny Quotes Thread

[Niko Montana]

The entirety of this mission:

 

[icecoldkilla1467]

''i see her shes beautiful HE is over there he's a guy!''

Edited May 28, 2015 by icecoldkilla1467

[CarlFromGroveSt]

"If you come back, you're a moron."

 

"Cluckity Cluck."

 

"It's all processed Chicken ass."

[Username.gta]

"The yay leaving San Fierro, right?"

"Right, but they're using bikes CJ. And they go cross country"

"Not right now, i gotta check into sone sh*t"

 

that stuupid phone call anoys me very often

 

I never got to experience this during my recent playthrough. I was heartbroken.

 

Also, while I'm here...

 

OG Loc - Are you dissin' my hoes, bitch?

Lazlow - No, no. I hear you, your hoes are bitches, your hoes are bitches. Just don't shoot me.

OG Loc - Man, you're a busta!

[Payne Killer]

"You like my asshole, always holdin up sh*t"

[Jacek_K]

A lot of funny quotes in San Andreas

 

Just some of the top of my head:

 

Parrot Tony: "Pay the women you fat f*ck!"

Salvatore: "You've heard the bird"

 

CJ: "Damn, that nigga's f*cked up!"

[DragonpokeZ]

Toreno: You see? What did I tell you? Child's play

CJ: f*ck YOU TORENO, I DON'T EVER WANNA GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! I think I'm gonna hurl...

Toreno: Ooh, what a big whiner, you want some cheese with that wine? Hey, you were spectacular. You know what, I'm beginning to think my little Carl is a double agent. Oooh.

CJ: Shut up, Toreno. Where you want this thing?

Toreno: What thing? I don't know what you're talking about - you stole it. Got nothing to do with me, I don't know what you're talking about. See ya 'round.

CJ: Toreno? TORENO?! sh*t!

(Actually, all the dialogs in this mission are hilarious, but this one is my favorite )

 

Ryder: Keep up, motherf*cker!

 

Man: Hey speak up, we can't hear you back here!

CJ: I appreciate yo' input, but please, f*ck off!

 

Paul: $10,000 for this Northerner prick...

 

Rosie: I think I need a tissue

Maccer: Here, I got one

Rosie: Eh... I think I'll pass

 

Maccer: I'm going to get breast implants!

 

CJ: I hate gravity!

 

Fat CJ picking up money: Lunch money!

 

CJ shooting: It's my constitutional right, bitch!

 

Gate Man @ airport: Anyone can get a pilot's license these days!

 

CJ: You do know I'm black and not chinese... right?

Woozie: I'm blind, Carl, not stupid

 

And many others. This game is hilarious xD

[Osho]

Carl Johnson: Eh, whassup?

Catalina: (Heavy breathing)

Carl Johnson: Hello?

Catalina: Yes, Claude, faster, harder, DEEPER! Oh, yes, yes, YES!

Carl Johnson: Catalina! You sick! Get help!

Catalina: And you, Carl, you are jealous!

 

haha.. 100% completion never felt so funny! Rockstar at their best, creative geniuses, ladies and gentlemen

[unicornace]

Don't hate on the little guy cos he's packin a six shooterrrrr ....NEXT!

[BlackSnow176]

"You know, if more people rode the bus in this city, maybe we'd be able to see the sky. Pollution is a metaphor for evolution. We made it, people!" - Tommy "Nightmare" Smith

 

"So, what're you doing all out there? You may remember a little band called "Crystal Ship" and you may remember a deviously handsome lead-singer who got all the chicks. Now I'm on the radio and loving every minute of it. Keeping the spirit of rock alive while some assholes in flannel shirts whine about how miserable they are. I could not agree more... You're very miserable. Go away - please." - Tommy "Nightmare" Smith

 

"I tell you what: Life is divided into two kinds of people: Those who like and those who can go to hell." - Tommy "Nightmare" Smith

 

"I just washed my sports car! Only kidding, it got repossessed... and I left seafood in the trunk." - Tommy "Nightmare" Smith

 

"Love that record, have made love to that record. Both alone and with others." - Tommy "Nightmare" Smith

 

"I remember singing this song on the way to put my wife down. Just joking, people, she survived, okay?" - Tommy "Nightmare" Smith

Edited June 21, 2015 by BlackSnow176

[truxton]

:DHere is some of my favourites!

 

''What can I say,I'm a bad man''

''Are you allowed to drive if your blind?''

''You okay, I hope not!''

''Remember,heros get killed''

 

Lol these literally make me cry when it hear it in game sometimes whats your best CJ quotes?

 

 

[_GTAFREAK_]

CJ has lots of funny little quotes for various situations... maybe one of the funniest quotes I've ever heard from him is this one:

 

"I don't want a nightstick up the ass!"

 

Obviously, CJ says it when he's being chased by cops, especially at high wanted levels.

 

Also, I've noticed something that's quite interesting, not sure if anyone else noticed this (probably yes). When we successfully complete a mission, CJ's dialogues change to different ones which can ONLY be heard by completing a mission, and only for a limited time (like 2-3 minutes real life time).

The quotes that CJ usually says when he punches someone, or when he collects cash from a dead person, change to totally different ones... I can't really find any good explanation for this or why does this happen, but it does happen at least in the PC version... I'm not sure about the PS2 version but I think it happens too.

 

I'll write down some of those quotes, or at least the ones I can remember:

 

"I'm sorry, I had a difficult childhood!" (not sure if when hitting someone or when collecting cash)

"Just a little money for CJ" (when collecting cash)

"I blame the society!" (when hitting someone)

"Hey, if you don't need it no more..." (when collecting cash)

"I try to be a good person!" (when hitting someone)

"I appreciate the opportunity" (when collecting cash)

"Even my brother don't call me a busta!" (when hitting someone)

 

There's some more I think, but right now that's all I can remember. Like I said, CJ will only say these quotes after completing a storyline mission and only for a limited time, 2 or 3 minutes later the game will return to "default" dialogues.

But one thing that's interesting about this is that CJ always says these quotes in a very specific way, it almost sounds like he is somehow excited or happy with something, as he speaks very loudly while saying most of these quotes.

Edited June 29, 2015 by _GTAFREAK_

[SuperGTFan]

"Drive-by!!!"

 

Sweet

[BlackSnow176]

"Who says rock is dead? No one in this morgue, that's for sure!" -- Tommy "Nightmare" Smith

 

 

Edited July 3, 2015 by BlackSnow176

[Y Λ N K X V]

All you had to do, was follow the damn train CJ

- Big Smoke

[MKKJ]

to me every police chopper's pilots talked to each other its literally legend

Copilot : "I see her, she's beautiful!"
Pilot : "He's over there, HE'S A GUY!"

Copilot : "Hey i can see my house from here!"
Pilot : "Dave will you just shut the hell up!"

Copilot : "Hey if i kill him do i get a medal?"
Pilot : "You get TWO!"

Pilot : "Shoot'em a**hole!"
Copilot : "I'M TRYING I'M TRYING!!"

dang it R*

[Brooklynzsmac]

Who the f*ck is Tommy "Nightmare" Smith?

[Haruko Haruhara]

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS FOLLOW THE DAMN TRAIN CJ

[SuperGTFan]

You're looking skinny, CJ.

[Bucybumkin]

Who the f*ck is Tommy "Nightmare" Smith?

The K-DST DJ, voiced by none other than Axl Rose.

[UptownRider]

Drive-Thru had some pretty funny quotes

 

Sweet: "So what you saying? You don't respect me?"

Big Smoke: "What I'm saying is..."

Sweet: "Speak up, nigga!"

Big Smoke: "I'm hungry!"

 

Big Smoke: "I can't stand cold food. unlike you, I ain't never ate from a trash can."

Carl Johnson: "Oh, sh*t - trash can bitch!"

 

Big Smoke: "Hey, I'm just finishing my fries! My Special!

Ryder: "Ahhh, sh*t! You got ketchup all over the seat!"

Big Smoke: "The business at hand motherf*cker, the business at hand!"

Ryder: "But these was clean pants! CJ watch the damn road!"

Big Smoke: "Chill motherf*cker! This ain't a Sunday drive situation!"

Ryder: "My soda! its all over the f*ckin' floor!"

Sweet: "Well you can suck it up once we're done! Now keep your eyes on the Ballas car!"

 

Big Smoke: "That's one up for the Grove!"

Ryder: "Say what, Smoke? All you managed to do was eat my damn food up!"

Big Smoke: "Yeah, it was gettin' cold!"

 

Smoke and Ryder were the best Its a shame what happened to them.

Edited July 15, 2015 by UptownRider

[Brooklynzsmac]

 

Who the f*ck is Tommy "Nightmare" Smith?

The K-DST DJ, voiced by none other than Axl Rose.

 

Well, I'm listening only to Julio G in RLS so I didn't knew him, my bad.

 

My favourite quote I remember was "I'll have two number nines, a number nine large, a number six with extra dip, a number seven, two number fortyfives, one with cheese, and a large soda."

[Nick1020]

Get off the road I'm trying to take a piss

[maoffense01]

My Favorite of All Times:

 

- This ped says "Punk-ass Bitch!".

[ToughGangsta]

CJ: After crashing his highjacked car,AH! You A**h**e my sh*t!

 

THAT MAKES ME LAUGH THAT MUCH THAT I START TOO CRY:P

[LL Cool L]

 

 

 

[VY C M]

"My mother's my sister"

... oops wrong game XD

 

(- GTA 3)

[Xing of Virtue]

Kifflom! XD

 

"You're an asshole to the end, punk motherf*cker!" *Face Stomp*

[Y Λ N K X V]

"I'll give up the water, if you give up being a busta"

- Ryder

[HackerDetected]

Catalina: Yes CLAUDE!!! faster harder DEEPER!!! yes!!! yes!!! yes!!! lol

Edited August 16, 2015 by HackerDetected