GTA San Andreas Funny Quotes Thread

[timmy2004]

here's another one.

its on WCTR with mary and her husband (forgot his name)

 

Husband: mary will you please stop eyeing up the producer

Mary: ive already slept with him

Husband: me too

thats gross

lol

[Slamman]

Three pages, I looked at one. The funniest moments seem to be between the new peds conversations in game. Depending on where you are and if you are moved to one spot quickly from another... country folk can spawn in the city offering more variety... jokes about masturbation can be quite funny between a man and women. The orchestrated comebacks are done very nicely!

 

I agree the radio ones are sadly boring. The Jack Howitzer pokes fun at Rambo and Arnie...wHO ACCORDING TO aol'S OPening PAGE TODAY, IS BEING CONSIDERED FOR PRESIDENTIAL MATERIAL...i'D READ THIS BEFORE IN pLAYBOY MAGAZINE WITH THE oLIVER sTONE INTERVIEW...IF IT HAPPENS, i'LL BE GENUINLY SHOCKED!!

 

Caps lock hit..dammit!!!!!

[MAD man]

The entire "My 5 Uncles" commercial

[Joey.Leone]

Anything 'OG Loc' says.

[Dead At 4pm]

i was walking in grove st and this is what happened:

 

OGF dude: that car is do-do

 

i push

 

CJ: Well why dont you go join the line to bang yo momma? - SA

Edited November 15, 2004 by Dead At 4pm

[PhydeauxOne]

The first car i jacked was a taxi and the driver said something along the lines of "See? That's why i never pick you young thugs up!"

[Slamman]

My thinking is Green Sabre opens the San Fierro part, at that time, does the radio change? I'm not that far, but the radio references I don't recall..even going to the game menu and checking. The I say, You say bit referenced here.

Some seem familiar. The underwear joke mentioned... I'd done that but it didn't seem to illicit unusual response. With the original threads, you're not too popular yet. Seems CJ should be clean after swimming I'd think. ["Two words: soap, water"]

 

The joke about the gun in the studio with Billy Dexter is too familiar with Vice fans...it was a poor move on Rockstars' part. I'm hearing that now as the game menu audio plays

[wantfrieswithat9]

I guess I would have to go with the classic line from GTA3 "My mothers my sister!"

when I first heard that I spent like 10 minutes thinking about it, then I rigured it out

[fox09]

After karate kicking someone off their bike: Gravity's a bitch ain't it?

 

and in the studio with Madd Dogg, Kent Paul, and Maccer who is constantly jacking off

 

and Maccer's saying: Ooooohhhhhhh yes, yes, she was so hot!

And then Kent says: That was a man! Those were man tits!

 

[Slamman]

quote 1:

 

Caller: Dude your sh*ttin me!

Mike Thakery: Mike Thakery dont sh*t on no one!

 

lmao

 

quote 2:

 

Lazlow: Ogg Lock welcome to the show

OG LOC: Ogg Lock!!! you dissin me fool!

 

all the lazlow bits rule lol ...they all good

Mike?? You been smokin the chiba, chiba haha

 

-there are alot of gay jokes, but they're subtle. This thread made me chuckle but also shows some people have a very odd sense of humor...akin to the Rockstar folks I guess.

Thinking back to the radio, the He said part played by Paul Ames sounds like it was Kelsey Grammer of Cheers/Frasier to my ears at first. He would have made an excellent voice choice too.

The news portion of WCTR and The Wild Traveller are humorous as well. You have to love the obligatory "I just love your show man..."I love you" haha

+the in-station ads.. There is mention of the 'drunk driving cup'...should have been included in game!

[Grove St PIMP]

After karate kicking someone off their bike: Gravity's a bitch ain't it?

 

and in the studio with Madd Dogg, Kent Paul, and Maccer who is constantly jacking off

 

and Maccer's saying: Ooooohhhhhhh yes, yes, she was so hot!

And then Kent says: That was a man! Those were man tits!

 

ya that was nasty

[kevinddr]

i was in easter basin, and this ped walks up to me and says:

"do you orgasm before you defecate?"

[KANE79]

Ped after dropping his guts: "My ass is stinking."

 

Ped conversation: "You ever done a cat up the ***?"

 

Male ped talking to CJ: "I aint gay, but you smell gooood."

 

I obviously also like the one in my sig.

Edited November 26, 2004 by KANE79

[spike88]

When knocking someone off there bike,

Cj: Oops Did you fall off?

[AlexFSS]

Helicopter Pilot #1: If I shoot him do I get a medal?

Helicopter Pilot #2: You get two!

--

Ped: You don't mind if we don't shake hands, do you?

Same Ped: Stay clean!!!

--

CJ: Brilliant, absolutely brilliant driving!

--

Wuzi: *runs into wall*

Wuzi: sh*t! They changed the plans! (or something like that..)

 

There's so much but I can't remember for some reason..

[rottweilers_89]

ped-i got crabs the size of baseballs

[DualSawnoff]

Kent Paul: "That wasn't a groupie! That was a roadie!"

 

 

[Mocoball]

Rich Ped saying to a poor person: I hate poor people

Response by poor person: Yeah i think there gay

 

Ped: *farts* Hmmmmmm...stinky

 

Male Ped sayin to CJ: Ever heared of Deodrant

CJ: Hey go play with your momma

 

CJ falling of mt chilliad: F*** i hate gravity

 

Fat ped: My wife got ran over by a lawnmower

 

 

[Slamman]

Watch how you submit these, folks. People are repeating and using poor grammer, it doesn't help to impart the humor intended. This is a fun thread!

 

For the same line used when CJ takes a flying leap with no 'chute...there is more then the "I hate gravity"... I haven't heard them all so I leave that open for discovery.

[RMT]

Watch out for quotes being spoilers.

 

I think the best i can remember is "Does the pope sh*t in the woods?"

Yet I love the "Do Polor Bears sh*t in the woods?" - Can't remember who said it though.

 

Also, the Hampshire Nanny's advert is funny as hell.

 

English guy: "Say it with me..."

Woman : "I need a Nanny!"

Guy: "I'll bang the Nanny!"

 

Priceless stuff

[audiopimp]

a couple of random ped comments i cracked up at were:

"when death came, did you orgasim?" &...

"i trimmed that basketball players pubes"

there's not much in this game that isn't funny

[Tommy_vercetti12]

the people in the helicopter are funny

like when they say

 

''i can see my house up here''

also

''man1- why do i have to shoot

man2 - coz im driving!''

 

when the cop says im gonna get laid

[CrazyCraigy]

grove street member "You look like a male model or some she-it!" ped

"I've got crabs the size of baseballs"

[highfighter]

when you first meet paul and the other person with white had

 

white hat guy: whoa i think im a rasberry

paul: for the last time you are not a fuc*ing rasberry

[SaintGeorge1]

This quote cracked me up when I was doing this mission where you kill this priest who was trying to turn Jizzy's ho's against him. I was trying to take down his limo when I rear-ended the limo and I heard him scream:

 

"WAAH-OOW! Watch those teeth, girl!"

 

 

[Rudde the Man]

My favorite throughout GTA is in GTA3 in Chatterbox, when Lazlow gets all kinds of stupid callers and then he gets pissed off and when the next caller is on the line he asks him: Hello caller, you are on the air are u in sane??

And the caller answers: -Absolutely Lazlow, killer bees!!!

Lazlow: -Killer bees??

Caller: -Did you know that there r over 5 million killer bees in Liberty City, they have to be stopped!!!!(Something like that)

Lazlow: Well if its such a big problem then why hasnt anyone mentioned it before?

Caller: Aaaahh but they are nothing compared to the ants! They are like sheep they are going to take over!!!

 

[JagerX2]

Ped Male: "Hey lady!"

Ped Female: "Hey there."

Ped Male: "Have you ever sh*t your pants during a job interview?"

Ped Female: "I hate it when that happens."

Ped Male: "Later!"

 

I just about died laughing.

And the Ped Male sounded like Norm MacDonald!

 

 

 

Also, on the radio for the one cough syrup commercial:

 

*Man coughing*

Woman: "That cough sounds pretty bad."

Man: (bluntly) "No sh*t."

Edited November 19, 2004 by JagerX2

[Tank2495]

These are all after you kill someone and you are picking up $ off of them:

 

"Hey, pay a nigga!"

 

"Aw...look at all this paper!"

 

"Thank you. I like to share to."

 

This is going in my retirement fund."

 

"Aw sh*t, I got a gat."

 

[Enemy of the State]

Funniest quotes in the game:

 

Wu Zi: Carl, I have something to tell you. I'm blind.

CJ: NO sh*t!!

 

CJ: You know I'm black, right?

 

Maurice: Tobacco is a plant, people! And if it comes out of the ground, we should be able to smoke it! Like......coal. And opium!

 

Hans: I'M COMMUNING WITH YOU THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF DANCE!

 

Lazlow: I never understood gang-banging, I mean other guys in the room while you....ugh!!

 

Maurice: Oh, you're a lovely person! f*cking imbecile....

 

Kent Paul: f*cking Northerners.

 

Tommy Smith: I think you'll like this next record, if you've got any balls.

 

 

[BigPapaSmurf]

guy in SF

"You should invest in virtual reality!"

classic