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AutisticPsycho

The San Andreas Post

Recommended Posts

GTABAG

Woah, I found this really old San Andreas Post article from 1987!

 

10 Year Old Murdered

Brian Johnson killed by gang members

 

Los Santos,SA. 10 year old Brian Johnson was killed earlier today by a group of gang members known as the Ballas. Apparently, they shot him because his ignorant, stupid brother convinced him to throw tomatoes at them. What a stupid guy. And his name's Carl. What a gay name. Sources reveal that he fled the state immediately after Brian was killed. Dumbass coward. We interviewed his brother Sean "Sweet" Johnson and this is what he said. "Dumbass Carl". It's probably all Carl's fault that Brian died. We hope he burns in hell.

 

 

 

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Lady_GTA
Bump

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The Schmoo

Torrential rain now continuing for eight straight days

Mordred Haidar, San Andreas Post-SAN News

 

Rains have pounded the streets, fields, buildings, and citizens of San Andreas for eight straight days now, and many residents are tired of it.

 

"Ah heard this sound, like Gawd was yellin' 'AhToo, Ex, El 'un, El 'un, Elta, Elta, Elta, Circull!' and all these clouds appeared outta nowhere and it started t' pour buckets!" claimed Angel Pine resident Ima "Hoss" Ray Pist. Pist was angry, since his(?) Walton was swept away by rising floodwaters. It was spotted soon after by a SAN News chopper, near a sand-covered bridge in Flint County, barely running.

 

Other residents are indifferent.

 

William Long and James Wang of Queens, San Fierro, enjoy watching the rain from their fourth-floor apartment. "It's relaxing," James claimed in what this reporter believes may have been intended as a Snagglepuss imitation, since we at SAN News believe in giving the people the benefit of the doubt. William agreed in a similar tone: "Highly so."

 

©2005 San Andreas Post-SAN News, Mordred Haidar reporting.

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arnoldlcl

INCREASED FLIGHT ACTIVITY OVER BONE COUNTY

 

Residents of Las Payasadas, a small desert town famous for the World's Largest Cock, have been complaining lately of an irregular number of airplanes flying over the vicinity of Bone County, just south of Las Payasadas.

 

According to residents, the planes are most noticeable because they "make a loud racket that disturbs our fair community".

 

The local sheriff swears he even saw a fighter jet and an Apache helicopter once.

 

The army, as always, was unavailable for comment, owing to the fact that there are (supposedly) no army bases in San Andreas. The navy based at Easter Basin denied everything.

 

In related news, four Hydra military fighter jets reportedly took off from Easter Basin Naval Base last night. A few minutes later, Las Payasadas residents alleged that a fighter jet reportedly descended in Bone County.

 

Whether this is related to the explosions that rocked boats north of the Sherman Dam area is still unknown.

 

TRAFFIC ACCIDENT SHUTS DOWN DESERT HIGHWAY

 

Earlier this morning, a semi overturned on the south highway in Bone County connecting Tierra Robada and Las Venturas. According to eyewitnesses, a taxi tried to overtake the semi at 80 kph. The semi lost control and overturned, crushing the front end of the taxi. The taxi driver, Raul Hadji, was unavailable for comment as he had previously been transported to the Las Venturas hospital for treatment. The driver of the semi was nowhere to be found.

 

Due to the suddenness of the traffic accident, several cars crashed into the wreck, completely blocking the highway. Alternate routes are advised until the wreckage can be cleared.

 

CARELESSNESS IN BANK SECURITY COSTS DEPOSITORS THOUSANDS

 

An armored bank car awaiting transfer from a depot in south-eastern Las Venturas was, allegedly, lifted right off the ground by a magnetic sky crane attached to a helicopter.

 

The armored car was already loaded up with thousands of dollars worth of cash from a Las Venturas bank and was to be transferred to its subsidiary in Fort Carson. According to eyewitnesses, no one was guarding the car.

 

Sam Houser, the person in charge of driving the car, denies that he was absent from the depot and that he chased and fired at the helicopter in vain.

 

But his partner, Leroy Lopez, admits that he and Houser were at a nearby hotdog stand "chillling" until they got the go signal from the bank. "I was carrying the GPS tracer with me. It didn't occur to me at the time to attach it to the armored car since we hadn't left yet."

 

Eyewitnesses say that the helicopter, flying northwest, "disappeared up in the clouds and was never seen again."

Edited by arnoldlcl

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LP_Reanimator

-Indeed-Missing Bodies Found

 

Forensic investigators have uncovered the bodies of a plane crash 40 years ago just recently. They were found near an abandoned airstrip, although some people are not quite sure if it's really abandoned or not. A Bobcat was parked near the body bags, but no sign of the suspect could be found.-Indeed-

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bigsimbr

Plane crash kill campers

 

Yesterday at 7:00 one shamal has crashed mount chiliad,killing a both of campers that were making one vacation there.The strange on all is:The dog of the campers survived.

The largest cock has destructed one car

The largest cock in San Andreas has destructed one car.One guy has stopped his car there and the cock has simple smashed it.The clucking bell owner says that is fault of the guy.The guy says that the cock was a little bit more short than usually. in that day.

Criminals escape of the police

Some criminals tried to steal one suitcase from the baggage of the airport.The cops tried to get the criminals but they failed.

They were driving one very fast car.The cop say.The criminals escaped driving the baggage.

Edited by bigsimbr

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arnoldlcl

FASTFOOD SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE

 

The city of Las Venturas was terrorized yesterday by a black man in a black suit and pants with matching hat and shades. He reportedly visited the Burger Shot fastfood chain at the Spinybed district early this morning, ordered a Moo Kids meal and sat down to eat. After he finished eating, he went to do his business. However, upon exiting the loo, he pulled out a 9mm pistol and allegedly shot everybody in the head in short order.

 

He then made a getaway in his black Cheetah sportscar and proceeded to "raid" the fastfood chains in Las Venturas. An anonymous witness and the sole survivor of these attacks claimed that he was eating at the Burger Shot in Redsands West when a "black guy in a suit walked in, pulled out a Spaz shotgun and went to town on everybody. I got away by hiding under the table". Other fastfood chains, including the well known Cluckin' Bell Corp. and the Well-Stacked Pizza corp. were also victims of attack. Outside witnesses say that the Cluckin' Bell on Old Venturas Strip was blown apart and that a "dude in some tuxedo thing" escaped in a black Cheetah. The Well-Stacked Pizza at the Emerald Isle also burned down, taking several clothing establishments and a 24-7 with it. Police say that molotov cocktails were used in this act of arson.

 

When asked why police did not successfully apprehend him, the Chief of Police said that his men were "too reluctant to enter the fast food stores. They're a bunch of wimps. Hell, a security camera on the Burger Shot in Old Venturas Strip shows the cops raiding the place with the guy still inside and suddenly they all just get down with their hands over their heads begging for mercy. The guy practically kicked them to the ground and they offered no resistance. What a group of pussy f*cks."

 

The city is currently on a manhunt for this man, whose car was last seen driving along the Pilson Intersection. If you spot this man or anyone affliated with him, call the San Andreas Post now so we can get a good story. Don't call the cops, they're sh*t anyway.

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The-King
Plane crash kill campers

 

Yesterday at 7:00 one shamal has crashed mount chiliad,killing a both of campers that were making one vacation there.The strange on all is:The dog of the campers survived.

The largest cock has destructed one car

The largest cock in San Andreas has destructed one car.One guy has stopped his car there and the cock has simple smashed it.The clucking bell owner says that is fault of the guy.The guy says that the cock was a little bit more short than usually. in that day.

Criminals escape of the police

Some criminals tried to steal one suitcase from the baggage of the airport.The cops tried to get the criminals but they failed.

They were driving one very fast car.The cop say.The criminals escaped driving the baggage.

Your english SUCKS!!!! I could'nt understand any of that.

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Mxyzptlk
Your english SUCKS!!!! I could'nt understand any of that.

You insult his English, but how fluent are you in Portuguese? Don't be so rude....

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The-King

Good point Mxyzptlk.

 

Sorry cryani.gif bigsimbr.

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OG4LIFE

bump

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Mxyzptlk
bump

You could have at least written an article to do that. bored.gif

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joeyjoshabadoo

LAS VENTURAS MASSACRE KILLS OVER 110

Las Venturas-Some say that on that dreadful Saturday, Sin City USA got what was coming to them. Whatever came on that Saturday took more than 110 civilians and police along with it. It was reported that a male black, possibly in his 20s, started this rampage with a helicopter parked on top of the Emerald Isle parking structure. The black male reportedly stole the chopper from the top of the garage and took it away. The EI garage security guard was present, but he was sleeping inside a Buffalo in the garage with whiskey bottles all over the interior. The suspect took the helicopter to the 4 Dragons Casino on the Strip, then landed it. He then took out, what was reported to be, a military issue Desert Eagle handgun. The man started shooting at innocent tourists and civilians along the sidewalks of LV Blvd. It wasn't soon until the LVPD arrived, but 5 civilians were already down. The LVPD, scattered across the strip made a shooting line at the suspect. But apparently, the barrage of 9mm and shotgun bullets were ineffective against the suspect. LVPD Officer Hicks recalled, "that man was like the Terminator. There was no way to bring him down." It wasn't until air support was called in, but it arrived when 8 officers were down and the shooting line was nearly gone. Confused civilians and traffic tried to charge through the violence. Some just turned around LV Blvd. Amazingly, the police never closed down the Strip. The man then brought out a rocket launcher and an M4. The man shot down the police chopper with his rocket launcher. Nevertheless, more air support and ground units arrived, still proving uneffective. The man shot down one more police chopper and shot 15 more officers and 9 more civilians. The LVPD SWAT was soon called in, but their Ingram Mac 10s were no match for a man with heavy armor, an M4, and a rocket launcher. The man was able to destroy 4 SWAT Vans, shot 20 SWAT officers and 19 civilians. It wasn't soon until the FBI Las Venturas Branch and the Army from Area 69 were called in. The army, with their M4s were able to make little effect because of the suspects heavy armor. The man was able to kill about 12 soldiers until he got control of an unmanned tank. The man took the tank and went to the Julius Thruway head on into oncoming traffic. It was reported that about 27 cars were destroyed by the tank and 57 civilians died. The suspect was able to make it into Verdant Meadows, outside the city. The suspect then reappeared in an Army Hunter and headed back for the city. Amazingly, LVPD and army ground units were still called out to try to shoot down the chopper from the ground. The Hunter made it back to the strip, but not without taking 11 more cars with it and about 20 civilians. When the chopper got to the strip, shooting lines were made to try to shoot the chopper down, but the chopper easily destroyed about 5 shooting lines. The air force was soon called in. The Hunter then spent its time trying to shoot down the Hydras that were after it. The chopper shot down 3 Hydras until one shot him down. Even though the suspect was still alive after the Hunter crashed to the ground, the police and paramedics didn't even bother rescuing him and left him in his now burning death machine. Damage is said to be in the billions. LV Mayor Kent Paul had this to say: "I am mayor now? That was some night (throws up)." LV Police Chief Wiggum, recently fired from the Springfield PD, is now in hot water for not closing down the strip and trying to shoot down the chopper with ground units. He had this to say: "Ohmigod! There was a guy on a rampage? Someone call the police!" As you can imagine, the is a tourism disaster for LV and SA. Governor Rainier Wolffcastle is now releasing a new SA tourism campaign: "Visit SA or I will go McBain on you." This campaign is said to probably draw back tourism even more. This crisis has touched every one of us leaving about 110 dead and damage in the billions.

San Andreas Times- copyright 2005

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Oddsock

Nice, but I don't know if the Desert Eagle is used in our forces...

 

Special Forces, quite possibly, but the Israeli military uses it the most

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DAVEY007
don't know if the Desert Eagle is used in our forces...

 

 

Nope, Berreta's mabye but not the Desert Eagle. BFM MEMBER

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blindsk8er6d9

FIRST COCK IN SPACE

 

As most of you may know, Cluckin' Bell is trying to get the first cock in space. The opperation was finally ready to go after a long time of getiing a space suit for the cock. "It was very hard to push the cock into the suit." Said one man. "There was so much pushing and pulling, we finally just lubed it up with official Cluckin' Bell mayonaise." The shuttle took off and almost had a run in with a strange ball of light zipping through the night sky. They continued the mission and after about 3 altitude bars, the sahuttle just stopped and pummled twords the ground. The members of the flight ejected out tightly clutching the cock so it wouldn't fall. The shuttle hit a black man who has been identified as Carl Johnson. It killed him, but was later released from a near by hospital. Another happy ending. The doctors of San Andreas have done it again.

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Brown Streak RR

 

Train Crash Kills Twenty Two

 

Yesterday, the 1:04 P.M. Brown Bullet, which departed Los Santo's Unity Station on-time, had a major derailment on the outskirts of the city a few minutes later. The Brown Streak Railroad's crack passenger train, which has never once been late, jumped the tracks, according to sources. Witnesses, including those on board the Bullet, claim they were "going too fast" and it "didn't seem right". The train apparently left the tracks right next to the RS Haul Depot outside the city. No harm was inflicted on this facility, but the railroad cars came awfully close. The train, which had a consist of one F40PH and four Bombardier, double-deck passenger coaches, had not appeared to have been sabotaged. The engineer, assistant engineer, and all those in the first car perished instantly when the front end slammed into a concrete pilling on the nearby overpass. The 'telescoping effect' is what specifically damaged the first car--crushing it to smitherins. Luckily, all those remaining passengers in the other three cars were mildly injured. The rail line was shut down for the rest of the day, causing nightmares for nighttime commuters, and severly congesting the roads and highways. Railroad operations, including freight, resumed operations today. The damaged equipment is being transported to a secure BSRR facility outside Unity Station. No cause has been found for the accident, but S.H.I.T. is currently investigating. (S.an Andreas H.onorary I.nvestigators of T.ransportation)

Well, what do you think, eh? biggrin.gif

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Oddsock
don't know if the Desert Eagle is used in our forces...

 

 

Nope, Berreta's mabye but not the Desert Eagle. BFM MEMBER

Ya see, that's what I was thinking.

 

92FS, Glock, and Mk. 23.

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joeyjoshabadoo

 

don't know if the Desert Eagle is used in our forces...

 

 

Nope, Berreta's mabye but not the Desert Eagle. BFM MEMBER

yeah, you're right, I just researched this, the military usually does use Berettas. Sorry, my friend told me that the military uses Desert Eagles, thinks he knows so much about the military....

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JDHJJ

Mysterious aircraft seen over Navy Base

 

Witnesses from ground control at the San Feirro Navy base said, "It looks kind of like those Harreir Jump Jets like we have ordered from Japan.." Local cops say they have a missing fellon under the name Carl Johnson, former Double-Oh agent of Englands jets. Could this "Carl Johnson" be under this? Has he taken rage over his mother being murdered? When we find out, we'll report.

 

 

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Stefan 'Jizzy' Cvetkovic
Train Crash Kills Twenty Two

 

Yesterday, the 1:04 P.M. Brown Bullet, which departed Los Santo's Unity Station on-time, had a major derailment on the outskirts of the city a few minutes later. The Brown Streak Railroad's crack passenger train, which has never once been late, jumped the tracks, according to sources. Witnesses, including those on board the Bullet, claim they were "going too fast" and it "didn't seem right". The train apparently left the tracks right next to the RS Haul Depot outside the city. No harm was inflicted on this facility, but the railroad cars came awfully close. The train, which had a consist of one F40PH and four Bombardier, double-deck passenger coaches, had not appeared to have been sabotaged. The engineer, assistant engineer, and all those in the first car perished instantly when the front end slammed into a concrete pilling on the nearby overpass. The 'telescoping effect' is what specifically damaged the first car--crushing it to smitherins. Luckily, all those remaining passengers in the other three cars were mildly injured. The rail line was shut down for the rest of the day, causing nightmares for nighttime commuters, and severly congesting the roads and highways. Railroad operations, including freight, resumed operations today. The damaged equipment is being transported to a secure BSRR facility outside Unity Station. No cause has been found for the accident, but S.H.I.T. is currently investigating. (S.an Andreas H.onorary I.nvestigators of T.ransportation)

Well, what do you think, eh? biggrin.gif

I think that's very good.

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Taste Of Chaos

mysterios plane crashes in the desert

 

residents of fort carson were shocked last night by a string of hydra jet crashes, no one knows what caused these strange happenings, but the residents of a snake farm in verdant meadows heard a plane taking off and landing just before and after the plane crashes occoured, but the lane they heard was not jet of any sort, it was a proppellor propelled aircraft, most probably a rustler, could this be the culprit of these deadly attacks on the us air force? or was it just a coincidental pleasure flight? forensic detectives are syudying the wreckages of the downed hydra's and IDing the bodies as we speak,

 

more updates soon.

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