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AutisticPsycho

The San Andreas Post

Recommended Posts

shaft121

The San Andreas Post

Top Cop Pot Shot Flops

 

Sources revealed yesterday that Andrew Mrsheen, one of the most decorated officers in the LVPD, was on trial yesterday as part of a new department clean-up installed by Commisioner Soundwave. Mrsheen, our sources reveal, was allegedly involved in a shootout with other officers last week, after joining a makeshift 'tribe' of citizens, led by a mystery African-American known as 'Homes'. This tribe proceeded to rampage around the streets of Las Venturas culminating in a bloody shootout with members of the LVPD.

 

When questioned by officers, Mrsheen stated "I saw this group of perps running through the streets armed to the teeth. I did my duty and stoodin the line of fire. When this 'Homes' lined his pistol up at me I felt like I was falling into his eyes. The next thing I know I was in hospital being treated for several gunshots". When confronted with CCTV footage of himself and the 'tribe' firing upon police, Mrsheen allegedly broke down in tears.

 

Commisioner Soundwave spoke out against this seeming trend of hypnosis within organised gangs at yesterdays court hearing. "We must all stand strong against the tyranny and terror perpetrated by these terror mongers. The terror that they give is something that shall be beaten by our freedom for we free people shall never succumb to terror".

Police are still looking for any sign of 'Homes' who, according to witnesses, escaped from the scene of the shootout after a car ran over most of the 'tribe'.

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superfantastiche

13 HOUR S.HOOTOUT ENDS IN TRAGEDY

 

A shootout between police and a mysterious gangste.r in Los Santos ended with tragedy in the early hours of this morning in a terrifying fire brawl, encompassing terrible loss of life.

Eyewitnesses say that before the fight began, a black man of about six foot, dressed in jeans and a white tank top was seen to run along the pavement in Vinewood before scaling to the roof of a Burger Shot and was seen to use a semi-auto.matic we.apon to take out bypassers.

"When them shawts began," drawled Nathan Hick (who was later proved by magistrated to have been four hours away on his own in a nearby field at the time), "I jus' threw mahself outta they way that maniac gun wieldin' nee.gro. I've got four pigs, one waaaf and nineteen children to support!" He wandred away, calling for someone named 'Daisy'.

Jesu.s C.hrist, 21, from England, filled in The Post on the rest of the story.

"The guy climbed up onto the top of the Burger joint and then it was like "Waaaaaa!" and "Tk-tk-tk-tk-tikka-tikka-tkkka!" and "Kak! Kak! Kak!" and "Guuuuugggh!" It was totally cool and the guy didn't even break a sweat. All the police drove up to the building and it looked like they were going to really fregging KI.LL HIM but they aimed their g.uns, and then just walked back to their cars and drove off."

According to other eyewitnesses, other odd things happened. Apparently the sky suddenly turned orange, and the mysterious assailant threw one or two m.olotov cocktail into the gathering crowd before making a lump of machinery resembling a diver's tank appear before flying away.

The Post questions the reliability of eyewitnesses in Los Santos and advises that if any Los Santonians see this mysterious stranger they shoud not antagonise him or even go within one hundred metres as it is rumoured he controls all the gang.s in San Andreas and even commands a gang over all of Los Santos. His ability to fly and stop time also shows that he is indeed a powerful wizard. Repent! Head to the desert and seek his forgiveness! ALL HAIL BLACK WIZARD! ALL HAIL THE KING OF SAN ANDREAS!

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Oddsock
ROFLMAO!!!

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The-King

Cops Are Not As Brave As You Think

 

http://www.gtasanandreas.net/screenshots/g...y.php?image=699

 

http://www.gtasanandreas.net/screenshots/g...y.php?image=698

 

During the robbery of a burgershot by a still unidentified African American male, police officers seen running and hiding while still clutching their guns. Local man eating at restauraunt had this to say "man we need some betta pigs in dis town I mean some crazy muthaf****r comes in here an starts poppin caps an da pigs jus run an hide I almost couldnt have kids cuz of that muthaf****r, an doz lazy pigs. I tried to cap him myself but got shot strait in da face luckily I only lost haf ma brain but we need betta pigs here". Search still on for suspect. Rumor has it that he is a member of local gang the Grove Street Families but nothing has been confirmed.

SAPD under investigation for sending improperly trained police offices to the scene just to cower in a corner when they should be taking care of the situation. SAPD has no comment.

 

 

The P.I.M.P. is out.

Edited by THE-G.T.A.-K.I.N.G.

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The-King

 

BUMP!!!!!!!!!! sorry for double post I just want this topic to continue.The P.I.M.P. is out.

 

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superfantastiche

Los Santos Lives In Fear Of Terrorist Gangster

 

LS residents have been advised by the chief of LSPD to stay in their homes to avoid a recent spate of burglaries, terrorism, murders and gang warfare. LSPD spokesman James MacDowell told The Post:

"We'd advise everyone to stay in their homes, and keep away from donut shops as . . . this is where . . . he's most likely to be. Yeah. keep well away from donut shops and . . . err . . . bars."

24-7 stores around the county have been overrun by residents stocking up for a long stay in their housesm and Ammu-Nation have been doing quadruple business. We spoke to Nathan Hick Jr., 19, as he left the Palomino Creek Ammu-Nation clutchng an armful of grenades and a sawn-off shotgun.

"Well, you see, the problem is that this fellow has untold powers with every single firing weapon known to man, and in that kind of position, whih of us men really stands a chance?" he asked eloquently. After being yelled at to 'get a fawkin' moove awn' he made his apologies and left in his father's pickup.

James MacDowell described the terrosrist to The Post:

"What we're looking at here is a black male, around 6 foot 1 and two hundred pounds. He has several markings that mark him out as not from this area; his tattoos are not on our Los Santos file, as he has some kind of cat on his left chest, and aztec cymbol on his right arm and the name of a city on his upper back - all of which could not have been done here in LS. He is proficient with every kind of weapon, and controls around 90% of the gangs of the city. I'd advise to stay well away from everyone."

More whimsical evidence givers claim he can also hypnotise bystanders, as reported last week, survive multiple gunshot wounds, command police to leave him alone with a wave of his hand, is in league with Yetis, and can even fly and stop, speed up and slow down time. Flocks of these 'believers' have been escaping to the desert to 'beg his forgiveness' or alternatley smoke pot and watch clouds. Rumours that popular DJ Sage and farmer The Truth have joined them 'for the experience' abound.

A woman was found standing in front of around 6000 people in the desert, clutching some kind of stringed weapon, and screaming at them to "REPENT! REPENT! REPENT!" but after it was discovered that the reporter had taken a wrong turn and ended up in Coachella, Ms Deal's comments were disregarded.

 

by Superfantastiche

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TheOneTheyCallRyan

San Andreas Times

 

 

 

It is estimated that 3 people are killed every day in the state of San Andreas. But, that 3 people has elevated to a terrifying 23 people. All due to one man. Police have yet to identify the identy of the man. All the public know is that he is a muscular Aferician Americian male, 5-6 feet in height,is in in his early 20's, and wears a black bandanna in front of his face. He is belived to drive a black bullet, that is usually damaged. The man is even belived to act in cahutes with another Aferician man that wears a red and white biker helmet. If you see this man DO NOT APPROACH HIM. Officer Tenpenny, a proud serving officer for the SAPD made this statment. " This man is obviously deranged or mentally sick. I am making it my duty to capture this mad man"

 

 

But, it seems that this mans mission is to clean up the state. For he only kills criminals or gang members. One local of the ganton area made this statment " This dude is a bad ass man, he like, drives up in his bullet, right. Then he hops out and starts blastin on some balla OG's. So im like, Oh SH*T!. So i run to my car... i mean my home and call my homie, CJ. But he wasent answerin. To bad, i wish he was able to see dat!" The SAPD is warning anyone who sees this man to call the police emediatly and get you and your fdamily to a safe distance.

 

 

- Steve Jones

 

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TheOneTheyCallRyan

BUMP\

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Cheatah

Criminal Uses Height To Escape Cops

 

Jefferson, Los Santos - A black man, in black pants, dark hoody, and a rag over his mouth was able to escape the cops in a Hydra after being caught brutally beating two white men.

 

According to witnesses the black man approached two men who were holding hands and beat them down with a bat, then proceeded to whip out a chainsaw and furthur mutilate the victims. When Paramedics came to the scene the black man threw a remote bomb onto the Ambulance, the driver paniced and turned around and tried to drive away but a few seconds later their Ambulance was blown to pieces when the remote bomb was set off.

 

A crowd quickly grew around the two victims. One witness says they heard the black man yell out "You think I'm a bitch because the way I dress?" as he continued the beat down with the bat on the knocked out bodies.

 

By that time cops had started to arrive on the scene. That's when things really got crazy! The black man whipped out a bazooka and proceeded to blow up 4 approaching cop cars, instantly killing 8 cops. More backup was called in. The SWAT team was notified and a cop chopper was sent to the scene.

 

The black man then quickly darted away. And turned the corner around the Jeffereson Motel. Cops didn't know where he went until he reappeard on the roof of the Jefferson Motel. The cops could not reach him. One cop said afterwards, "We became quickly became fatigued trying to get at the black man. We kept banging our heads against the walls and continually running in a straight line against the wall and it got us no where. We could not longer even see the black man on the roof anymore. The next thing we knew we heard a popping sound and then a loud plane noise. We continued to bang our heads against the wall but according to other witnesses the black man hopped into a special military jet known as the Hydra. He slowly asended into the air and then shifted into plane mode and took off like a ... uhh... plane! We tried to follow him but he was just too fast and before we knew it we no longer felt the need to go after him. I'm not going to say anything but money can be very persuasive."

 

Police say you should still keep your eye out for a black man in black pants, dark hoody, and possibly a rag covering his face. Police say with a description as well as that they expect no problems in locating this fugitive.

 

breadfish_by_Moto.gif

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Raptomex

 

user posted image

 

Information

The state of San Andreas does have news to report. But we really don't know what they are reporting. We do know for a fact that they do report news because throughout the state you will see a News Chopper and a Newsvan as shown below:

user posted image

 

News Chopper

user posted image

The news chopper usually will appear when Carl Johnson is on a crime spree with three or more stars. It accompanies the Police Maverick. The News Choppers that don't get blown up have a story to report.

 

Newsvan

user posted image

Newsvans will be roaming around the state of San Andreas looking for news. If they get blown up they won't be reporting much.

 

Articles

Since we don't know what is reported by either the News Chopper or Newsvan, this topic is for giving you the news in San Andreas. Create an article of your own. Screenshots would be helpful but if you cannot provide screenshots then give us all the details. Take your time in each article to make it realistic and interesting. Become the news reporter. Tell us what news the News Chopper and Newsvan will be reporting.

 

Signatures

Use one of our San Andreas News signatures.

user posted image

 

user posted image

 

user posted image

Edited by Raptomex

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Gta Master.

this seems like a good idea i might try this later tonight -GTA-MA$TA

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Kingjad

ANGEL PINE CATASTROPHE!

 

Cat stuck up tree.

 

 

I hate my job...erm, this is Bob Roberts reporting from Angel Pine, top news here is how a domestic housecat is stuck up this really big tree after a gunshot scared it. You'd think people would be more concerned about the gunshot, but they don't think that way in Angel Pine! Fluffy, the cat in question, has been up the tree for almost six hours, and fireman have not been able to get all the way from San Fierro to Angel Pine due to a plane crash on the left side of Mount Chiliad, which they had to deal with first.

 

Fluffy's owners are furious that their cat wasn't helped as soon as possible, as they asked for help before "that plane crashed in and stole the spotlight".

 

Yes, even a plane crash happened here - but NOOOO, they want me doing THIS kinda story while Greg gets the scoop! ANYWAY, let's hope this little kitty can hold on a little while longer before firemen arrive to save the day. I'm Bob Roberts, for channel 2 news.

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SanAndreas1829

Cool ieda

ill make one tommarow

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Raptomex

 

Officers Frank Tenpenny & Eddie Pulaski

Recently a riot broke out in Los Santos, San Andreas. The cause of this was the "not guilty" charge against Frank Tenpenny in court. During the riot many valuables were stolen, homes burned, and people killed. SWAT tanks flooded the streets. The end result of the riot was the death of officer Frank Tenpenny. He had stolen a firetruck and was being chased by a mystery gang member (which we now know, he is part of a gang in Los Santos). The firetruck had lost control and flew in the air off a bridge killing officer Tenpenny. Before the body was found, his clothes were ripped off, and graffiti had covered his body. Forensics have found traces of marijunana and cocaine in Tenpenny's blood. Since all of the clothes have not been recovered we do not know if Tenpenny was carrying any drugs. Soon after forensics found the traces of drugs, interviews with other police officers began revealing corruption involving officers Frank Tenpenny and Eddie Pulaski. The information revealed was that Tenpenny and Pulaski were involved in drug dealing with an Idlewood gang called the "Ballas". Also, Tenpenny helped in the production of a "Balla" crack palace located in Los Santos which was led by Melvin Harris. The crack palace was discovered shortly after the riot was over and bodies are still being found inside.

 

Crack Palace

user posted image

 

user posted image

 

user posted image

 

Two weeks after the death of officer Tenpenny, his partner Eddie Pulaski was found dead in Bone County, San Andreas. Forensics have announced the body had been dead for at least five weeks already. Pulaski was shot seven times in the chest. Most of skin was burnt and buzzards had eaten half of his body already. No evidence has been shown of who the killer was. No traces of drugs were found in Pulaski but over five-hundered dollars was found in the trunk of his car. We now know that money was earned by selling drugs, assuming he was helping his partner Tenpenny in the drug dealing.

Edited by Raptomex

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Raptomex

The Weather

 

Sunday

user posted image

Rain.

 

Monday

user posted image

Sunny with some clouds.

 

Tuesday

user posted image

Sunny.

 

Wednsday

user posted image

Thunderstorms.

 

Thursday

user posted image

Sunny with a chance of rain.

 

Friday

user posted image

Sunny with a chance of rain.

 

Saturday

user posted image

Sunny.

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superfantastiche

Look, I don't mean to be rude, but there are already several threads about this. Can we all just decide which one we're using, and stick to it, and not keep doing new ones? It's so confusing.

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Barguast
Look, I don't mean to be rude, but there are already several threads about this. Can we all just decide which one we're using, and stick to it, and not keep doing new ones? It's so confusing.

Agreed. I think this is the third topic on this subject - another one was posted just yesterday. I can see some effort has gone into this but you should know not to create duplicate topics.

 

I'll merge this with the original topic rather than lock it...

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superfantastiche

Ohh . . . I wondered why my sarcastic post on someone else who had dared to make an inferior thread's post was on here too!

 

It was a joke - it was a joke! I'll think up a new article later.

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The-King

 

bumpThe P.I.M.P. is out.

 

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The-King

 

BUMP!!!!!Sorry for double post. THIS TOPIC MUST LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The P.I.M.P. is out.

 

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GTABAG

Hahaha, yur bumping the topic but still, it falls off the 1st page. I found this using search becuz I wanted to post sumthing here.And also becuz I'm a few posts away from 200.

 

 

 

Tragedy in Las Venturas

Cluckin Bell employee goes on a violent rampage

 

Las Venturas, San Andreas. Hundreds of people are devastated after thousands have been killed in this glorious city. Earlier this morning, a Cluckin Bell employee went on a violent rampage killing thousands of people, stealing and destroying cars, starting fires, and robbing casinos, then, after all that was done, he stole a Shamal from the airport and flew far, far away from San Andreas. What started this sudden outburst of rage? We interviewed a survivor of the incident who was at Cluckin Bell when the rage started.

 

San Andreas Post: What started his rampage?

Witness: It was so sad... I just wanted some hot sauce and he gave me barbecue sauce! So when I told him he gave me bbq sauce, he got mad, and threw stuff at me! It was terrible!

SAP: Then what happened next?

Witness: He....He... He took out a combat shotgun!! He sed " u mother f*ckers are gonna die!"Then he shot everyone! There was no explanation, no talking, no nothing! And I just wanted hot sauce! I just wanted some f*cking hot sauce!!

SAP: and wat happened next?

Witness: Do I have to tell u everything bitch??

 

At this point, the witness stole a car and drove away. The cops said that the employee was a madman and had a troubled childhood.

"His dad raped him a lot", one officer said.

"His sister raped him a lot", his therapist said.

I hope he burns in hell!!!!! That f*cking dumbass had no f*cking sense in him!! DAMN!!! WTF???

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Mxyzptlk

"His sister raped him a lot", his therapist said.

Sounds like a set up to me.... "therapist".... insert a little space and... "the rapist!" wow.gif

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GTABAG

"His sister raped him a lot", his therapist said.

Sounds like a set up to me.... "therapist".... insert a little space and... "the rapist!" wow.gif

hahhahaha! omg! I never noticed that b4! put a space in therapist and u get the rapist!! That's cool

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GTABAG

o crap sorry 4 duble post.

 

HEY! At least i'm a punk ass bitch now!

Edited by GTABAG

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The-King

 

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the last time im gonna bump this topic.The P.I.M.P. is out.

 

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GTABAG

Gangs rule the streets

Everybody scared

 

 

Everyone is scared. Gangs are everywhere. Houses are being robbed. No one can go to sleep wuthout knowing sumthing bad's gonna happen. Last week, hundreds of people have been killed from drive-bys. We interviewed a cop and he said he would stop this crime all by himself. The next day we found him dead. Oh yea he was really dead. Blood and guts all over his body. Ugh. Gang members. They are very evil. Stay away from them. Whoo, I'm high. I shud get fired. Anyway, gang members suck. They're scary. It's like, Oh my god!! Gang members ! I better call the cops! But they won't do anything. When the cops come the gang will shoot 'em up like chicken. Tasty, sweeet chicken. Ahhh that's sum good chicken. Everyone is scared of them. Stay away.

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LP_Reanimator

-Indeed-Aircraft fuselage found near Linden Station

 

Authorities have recently uncovered new evidence of the identity of the pilot of a downed aircraft near Linden Station. Crime Scene Investigators have determined that the plane was abandoned mid-flight while the passenger was left behind in the passenger seat. The victim has been identified as Denise Robinson, a resident of Ganton, Los Santos. Police are not exactly sure how the pilot and passenger knew each other, but they have determined that this was not an accident.-Indeed-

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LP_Reanimator

-Indeed-Dodo's subject of experiment

 

In a statement released by the Dodo Co. yesterday, 15 or so Dodo's had their wings clipped to determine if a smaller model could be fabricated. Pilots have recently tested out these "new" Dodo's and claimed that the handling was significantly worse than previous models. They claim that there is no way that these models could be improved, but the Dodo Co. assures the public that they will get any bugs worked out. They have assured the press that this will be "the new generation" of flight throughout San Andreas. Several of these models were recently shipped out to Francis International Airport in Liberty City for further testing. The company says that "this is the only way to really know if the planes can be flyable someday."-Indeed-

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The Na Kun

Strange Object brought to Area 69

 

On monday the second, eyewitnesses claim that a strange glowing light apeared over White Wood Estates and went out towards the desert at amasing speeds and made no sound. A man near Fort Carson said, "At the time, I was outside pounding crystal meth and I looked to the left and here was this huge glowing light ball thingamabob. It came at me so fast, then all of a sudden, there was a huge explosion. Four Hydras came roaring from the sky and launched another missile at them again. It made a Massive explosion but it seemed to have done nothing to stop it. Then the ball of light turned around and came back over here, and the Hydras seemed to nose-dive towards the ground and they exploded. I really didn't know what to do, it was coming at me but then it stopped, it hit a streetlamp. I'm not too sure what happened next, but it like opened up...And a white blinding light flashed out, it is very hard to explain, and these weird 'creatures' came out and just disappeared. In about six seconds the military had come and took the glowing ball and took it away to Area 69. I'm not sure what it was, but I do know if I tell anyone about this, they said they would kill me. Oh, can you hold on a second, I need to get the door....*bang* *bang*," He was the only one in the area that saw that, and there is no word on it from the military.

Edited by The Na Kun

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The Na Kun

I'm sorry to double post, but....

*Bump*

Great topic, I won't let it die!

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