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AutisticPsycho

The San Andreas Post

Recommended Posts

AutisticPsycho

This is a little fun thing for all of us to do... write newspaper stories from a San Andreas Paper. I want to be apart of this just submit your story and I'll try to rate it if your own.

 

San Andreas Post

COCK-A-DOODLE-NO!

Cluckin Bell Corpration, owners of the fine dining establishment Cluckin' Bell are filing counter-suit after some fat bastard claimed that eating their prodcuts caused him to go bald, ruining his sex life which then caused his wife to move so he went to a prostitute and spent a few nights in LVPD jail were he claims he was horribly sodomized by the officers. Cluckin' Bell spokesman Cluckin' Bob responded "If you haven't noticed... this guy is a fat f*ck in a wifebeater with grease stains and boxer shorts. He's problay never worked a job in his life and using us a get-rich quick scheme. Cluckin Bell is being represented by Ken Rosenberg, a balding lawyer who used to work in Vice City in the 80s until suffering an addiction from cocaine after working with his former partner Tommy Vercetti until he was sent to rehab and became a misberable, misberable old dude with no life.

 

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Mxyzptlk

Let's see if you can beat the whole five posts the last newspaper topic got...

link

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AutisticPsycho

Hopefully... nervous.gif

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shaft121

San Andreas Post

 

Body Bags Found In Bone County

 

The Bone County Sheriff's Department is currently investigating the gruesome discovery of a mass grave in Bone County, LV. The grave, measuring 12 feet in depth, contained bodies of 6 people, wrapped in standard morgue-issue body bags. The bodies were discovered by Brian Hicks, the owner of a nearby Snake Ranch.

'I wuz huntin in tha nearby scrub for some o' dem repteels dat I got in my yonder snake house,' drawled Brian, 'when all of a sudden I gone dun nearly fell down that grave over dere!'.

 

Local Deputy Sheriff Barbara Schternvart told reporters 'We have no clues as yet to the identity of the bodies or as to the murderer or murderers. We have found a gold and red Bobcat nearby the scene and are currently working with the DMV to ascertain the identity of the car's owner.' When asked about the relevance of the gravesite with the rumoured nearby secret US Airforce base, Schternvart denied any link, 'There is no secret Airforce base in Bone County and therefore that line of questioning is going to get you nowhere.'

 

The investigation continues....

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superfantastiche

Mysterious Being 'Seen' In Woods

 

The San Andreas Post has received literally tens of calls from worried homeowners, understandably frightened for their cars, bikes, houses, planes, tractors, helicopters, shotguns, trees, dogs and families after a geeky twelve-year-old claimed he had seen something on The Panopticon, in Red County.

"i totally like saw sumfin there it wuz like fifteen foot tall and its walk was r3ally like a bigfoot or sumfin" said the witness without punctuation. Within hours of his dubious claims literally a couple of people also claimed to have seen something scary in the woods, including UFOs, balls of light, cars, roads, trees and other Gh0st Hunt3rs.

The San Andreas Post interviewed Nathan Hick, a father of ninteeen and farmer from Blueberry. He told us he was worried about potential effects the sightings could have.

"It ain't natural and it's Un-American." said Mr Hick, a celebrated expert on bestiality and incest. "This Sasquatch or whutevah can on'y bring bad fortune on the town. The pig that was expecting my children has already had two muiscarriages and-" here he broke down "-I just can't take another one."

The interview had to end there as Mr Hick, catching on to the reporter's San Fierro accent, repeatedly asked "Are you local?" and eventually the nephew-b*ggering redneck chased us out of town in his pickup, brandishing a banjo.

Rumours that the Sasquatch is keeping a popular rap trio hostage in its cave on Mount Chiliad have yet to be confirmed.

Regular columnist Piggsy comments on The Panopticon Bigfoot, pg. 16

 

Hope you liked it! I am a writer, but it's difficult doing one for a story that doesn't exist!

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Gonzales

Cluckin' Hell!

 

The Cluckin' Bell chicken fast food company were celebrating a tri-athelon win for them. A Cluckin' Bell spokesman won the local event at Santa Maria beach. Local hillbillies called it "A darn good purty thang ta see, it were" as they watched several overweight women cycling past their hovel. The spokesperson, when asked for an interview said this statement, "Are you gonna buy some chicken or not?"

 

 

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AutisticPsycho

Local Woman Delivers Baby

Bone County - Besty Hick, a 23-year old fatass member of the Hick family who looks more like 50 delivered a baby today at her family's Snake Farm in Verdant Medaows. "It's gosh darn gud sight... desite it cuming from that Engrish man who "got juggy" with it a few days and the bastard left me and went to claim sum rok."

 

Besty said while very very out of it from drinking boomshine "Then this ni**er and that Engrish guy and his other Engrish guy came by and shot us all caz we started shootin them for immmmpregggnatttinnn me" I just layed their dying on the front porch admiring my beautiful body and then my wa-wa broked so I drunk tis dere boomshine and out popped a young-un!"

 

When asked what she planned to do with her new child she responded "I plan to show him how to make love to mama." At that point... our reporter fled the scene while barfing out his window.

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AutisticPsycho

Good post guys. Good posts. I didn't laugh out loud but I rarely ever do but it's funny in my mind so. LOL.

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tenterhooks

PLANE CRASH KILLS 6

 

SAN FIERRO, LS. There was still no word Monday on what might have caused a twin-engine private jet plane to crash in Downtown San Fierro Friday. The Shamal went down on Friday killing all on board. The resulting explosion caused disruption to the city centre.

 

The crash came shortly after the plane took off from Las Venturas Airport. The airport's control tower had denied clearance and handed the matter to the LS military. Air traffic controllers heard nothing from the pilot.

 

An eyewitness told officials he saw the aircraft pass low overhead when a building "just kinda appeared outta thin air."

 

It was believed the rescue and cleanup efforts were complete within ten minutes of the crash. The nearby 24 hour Zip clothing store has reopened.

 

No terrorist group has claimed responsibility but authorities are believed to be investigating reports of a ‘suspicious looking black man’ who mysteriously appeared in the Santa Flora hospital shortly after the explosion.

 

MG

 

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homer908

drive-by's outrage mother of 6 children

 

lately drive-by shooting's have been going on in the ganton area.The people on the streets are frieghtend and stay in sise there homes.This mother of 6 children quotes"man all these shootin's 'n' sh*t is making my kids piss there pants i mean every time they go out to play one there little friends get shot by some balla". Also in the ganton area members of the eleged grove street families were in a cluckin bell when they were violently ripped apart by vagos.why cant we all just live in peace?

 

 

- Jenna Jameson

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JSAN ANDREAS

SUPERNATURAL BLACK MAN MAKING SAN ANDREAS A DANGEROUS PLACE TO LIVE?!?!

 

By JSAN ANDREAS

 

Criminal Ratings have gone way up in the past year in San Andreas according to SAPD. Local policeman(anonymous), says, "Civillians of SA have been reporting to us, that an unknown African American male has been killing many people and destroying tons of property.". Population of SA has dropped dramatically by 40% and property damage costs has went up by 35%. "I have lost many family members and also my fellow police partners," says the saddened policeman. "We are trying are best to capture this guy and execute him(death penalty) under the SA law!" Many survivors and other civilians say it is actually a group of black people doing the crime. John Doe, a Las Venturas homeowner, says "I think it's a group of N***ers doing these horrible killings! I see them alone in the streets, sometimes fat, sometimes skinny, wearing a variety of sports clothes, tuxedos, uniforms, hats, gang colors, you name it. They kill anybody they see!" Los Santos gang member, anonymous, says," Nah, man! I tell ya' dis 1 mothaF***a in dem green tees! Dat B***CH, i seen him starve himself to look different and he also wears different sh*t to hide himself! I saw em' once wearin' purple! Me n mah N*ccas try'd to pop dat N*ccas a$$! But he wouldn't f***in' die! He was movin in all different directions, and den all sudden, dat B**ch got some armor outta nowhere! Iz like he got some magic SH8t up in his sleeves! All my crewz got killed, and i ran away!" All we know about this guy/ or group is they always change their appearance, they're black, and they like going all around SA.

More information to come...

 

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shaft121

San Andreas Post

The Circus Invades!

 

Authorities were baffled today after a large number of clowns and fast-food workers invaded the streets and roads of San Fierro yesterday. The normally busy city was quiet on Friday as the circus and corporation employees took to the streets, either taking the place of normal business executives on the road or the standard cars on the road. No reason was determined for this action although authorities are investigating claims that a one 'Edison Carter' was behind the display.

 

Torrential Sandstorm Hits Las Venturas

A suffocating sandstorm hit Las Venturas yesterday and shows no signs of abating. Baffled Meteorologists are at a loss as to where the storm came from.

Ted Maul, Head Meteorologist at the Los Santos 'Centre of Clouds 'N' Stuff' stated 'This bloody thing came out of nowhere. One moment it was clear and sunny, the next you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. We'll be buggered if we can figure out when it's going to stop. For all we know, it's here to stay!'

 

Local flights are also being impaired by this extreme weather. Mary Changingrooms of the Las Venturas Air Traffic Control Centre told the Post 'All flights are grounded as of this time. It's impossible for our pilots to control their planes in this weather. Anyone who tries is sure to crash.'

 

The Post advises all of our readers to only go outside if it is completely necessary as reports of several crimes have given the sight obscuring storm as a main reason.

 

 

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Boomshine Bubba

Incest family massacre

 

Brian Hicks, the owner of the snake farm in Bone County, was taken into custody yesterday after confessing to the murder of his wife, sisters, uncle, daughter, mother-in-law, cousins and lover. All six bodies were found in a hole located nearby to Hick's snake farm.

Apparently, Hicks was about to bury his family when he heard a grunting noise coming from nearby bushes. Terrified, Hicks ran to his pick-up truck and tried to open the door, when he noticed he had locked his keys in the vehicle. So he ran to the snake farm and called the local Sheriff, claiming that he had just discovered a hole containing six bodybags that he knew nothing about.

 

Hicks had this to say, "When ah foun ma sister in bed with ma uncle an ma wife, ah was so furious that ah weren't invited so ah killed 'em, then ah killed ma cousin, ma other sister, ma momma-law an ma babby. They were the witnesses yah see! H'yuck! Hey you sure do got a purdy maouth."

Brian Hicks will go on trial in May.

 

 

In other Bone County related news, a couple driving through the back roads near to the snake farm have claimed to see a hairy man-like creature running through the bushes. Steve Scott and his wife Mary, who are taking a vacation in San Andreas, were on their way to Las Venturas when they spotted the creature. "I have never seen anything like it, I had always wanted to do a movie about bigfoot before I retired a few years back" Scott told us, "now I'm thinking about giving it a go."

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AutisticPsycho

LOL... the incest one was pure gold.

 

The sandstorm was funny too and the supernatural black man is also... nothin like crazy black man to get the rednecks going.

 

Plane crash one was good too.

 

The mother of six in nice true journalism piece, I wonder myself... sometimes.. why can't we live in peace.

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homer908

yes me to why terrorists why

heres the conclusion

 

mother of six goes on rage

 

Drive-by's are still occuring in the ganton area.If you remember the story from the last article this is a horrible horrible tradgety.It was bitter morning in the ganton area when the mother of six's house came under attack."There were people every where"said the neighbor of the mom.The children were aroused and looked out the window the mother yelled"get away from that window" it was to late for this mom.The children were on the ground blood and brains every where.In a low voice but angry she said"im gonna get you Grove Street Bitches".The next day the mother of six well none now drove to the nearest ammunation."I need a weapon now".

the worker awnserd"take this perfect for killin' pure and simple". The next day she had driven to the grove there she Big Smoke and Sweet playin a little b-ball.she got out of the car and yelled"take this grove street".She poped two capps in sweets bullet proof vest. And they reacted quickly turned and shot her square beetween the eyes. to this day sweet said i can still hear her scream.

 

- bob garment, damnit osama damn you

Edited by homer908

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Mattalac
Let's see if you can beat the whole five posts the last newspaper topic got...

link

or he could just use that topic considering it was made before this one!

and homer. change your sig.

-Die N00bs

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Boomshine Bubba

*bump*

Some good articles here, let's not let this topic vanish into the next topic pages and beyond. I for one find this topic amusing and want to see more stories. C'mon people!

 

Oh, and superfantastiche, cookie.gif for the Beasty Boys reference. biggrin.gif

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shaft121

San Andreas Post

Police Brutality Uncovered

Undercover reporters for the San Andreas Post have uncovered a brutal regime of police brutality within the Los Santos PD.

user posted image

Officers Richie & Tucker Beat An Innocent Victim

 

Our undercover reporter, codenamed Mxyzptlk, photographed these horrific scenes after anonymous reports of police brutality at the hands of Los Santos' finest. After a previous investigation, Commisioner Bellington stated at a press conference "There is no, I repeat, no acts of police brutality at the hands of our police officers". The investigation was dropped after lack of evidence. However, these photos now confirm that extreme measures are being taken against innocent civilians.

Officers Billy Richie and Mahatma Tucker (pictured above) are, according to an anonymous source, known to be 'drunk, aggressive, in-bred scum that aren't worth the cost of the nylon that their regulation underwear is made out of'.

The scenes were witnessed after Myxzptlk sneaked into the Los Santos Impound Lot after reports that the 'interrogations' occured there. After the beating, Officers Richie & Tucker took the victim back upstairs to the Station and released him. Our reporter, Fritz McGarrett, was on the scene to interview the victim, known as Nathaniel Set-topbox.

 

Set-top Box had this to say, "All I did was order the last box of Choco-Sprinkle Do-nuts at the local bakery when I felt a sharp blow to the back of my neck and lost consciousness. I awoke to find myself in the boot of a police car. The sirens were blazing and the car was drifting from side to side. The two ***** took me out of the boot and proceeded to beat the living bejesus out of me. The next thing I knew, I'd signed a confession to hijacking and crashing a passenger jet and was released on bail!".

Officials at the Los Santos Police Department had no comment.

 

 

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Mxyzptlk

Woo, I became a newspaper photographer without even trying!

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shaft121

I didn't think you'd mind a bit of creative fame. Especially being it was such a good picture.

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superfantastiche

Thank you for that lovely cookie. I know I'm great.

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shaft121

bump. Come on guys...let's keep this amusing stories coming in...especially ones that involve the Hicks'

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AutisticPsycho

ANOTHER UFO SPOTTED SAYS HICKS!

 

Bone County - Residents of Bone County (there really arent many and if so they live in trailer parks and thats who spotted them) have said to have seen more "UFOs." "U s33 dis h3r3 ti3m [email protected] knight we have these g0sh [email protected] 0rbs [email protected] just s33m3d t0 [email protected] fr0m t3h [email protected] it [email protected] m3 think n0w [email protected] its g0d [email protected]'s t3llin us sumthin" However, no one really believes these rednecks as they live in the Lil Ale Inn trailerpark located next to the Lil Ale Inn bar and were drunk and humping their sisters at the time. Marvin Trill, local UFOolgist says that the UFOs do exist. The rest of residents mostly driving-by tourists noted that the so-called "UFOs" were acutallye flares falling from a Hyrda jet in the area supposedly coming from an area of Bone County that has been said not to exist appearently.

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shaft121

bump

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JSAN ANDREAS

off-topic: what does 'bump' mean?

 

On-topic: Loving the cool articles guys. Very funny! Cookies for all! cookie.gifcookie.gifcookie.gifcookie.gifcookie.gifcookie.gifcookie.gifcookie.gifcookie.gifcookie.gif

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Boomshine Bubba
*bump* is what people do if they want to get the topic back to the top of the topics so that it won't move to the next page where no one goes.

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shaft121

bump is the action of writing the word bump in order to push the topic back up to the top of the list in the forum so that other people will see it and write in.

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homer908

black hick goes on hijacking rampage

 

 

This is Jame Jameson here on the case of the black hick.Here we are were the first hijacking occured.the strip is litterd with car parts and dead hooker's here at the strip.The man is dressed in black, in green suspenders,a piece of grass sticking out of his left tooth.If you have any info on this hick please call this number:

 

865- 4219

 

this has been a paid presentation of the San Andreas Post

 

 

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kinslay3r

Palomino Creek Bomber Dies in Restaurant Blaze

 

The terrorist that was bombing the Palomino Creek area of Los Santos burned to death while attempting to burn down the Well Stacked Pizza Co. last night. Police were looking for a suspect that was reported as throwing molotov cocktails at pedestrians from the roof of the library in Palomino Creek. Police tried to pursue the suspect but were unable to catch him as he fled the scene by rooftop.

 

He entered the Well Stack Pizza Co later that night and began assaulting the employees with a shovel and then started spraying the customers with a fire extenguisher. Police entered the scene as the suspect was attempting to burn down the restaurant with molotov cocktails. As the suspect tried to flee from the scene his clothes caught on fire and he burned to death.

 

 

 

The funny thing is I actually did this

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homer908

bump

 

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