Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

Helmut's European Autos Official Gazette: Issue 1

12 replies to this topic
Prepsi
  • Prepsi

    Player Hater

  • Paleto Bay Mayor's Office
  • Joined: 21 Jan 2016
  • United-States

#1

Posted 4 weeks ago

Helmuts.png

 

HELMUT'S GAZZETE: ISSUE 1!

 

Hello friends, Paleto Bay Residents, loose acquaintances, and random forumers alike! We here at Helmut's have had a hard 2017. We kicked off the year with our CEO-in-chief, Fraplatte, being forcibly expelled from Paleto Bay and being sent to Bolingbroke on several federal charges. Shortly after, a protest-turned-riot regarding President Cranley resulted in our Paleto Bay showroom being vandalized, with it being rendered inoperable for the rest of the year. However, the Helmut's crew is now back and swinging, and over the past year we've acquired some new stock that we're sure you guys will like! But, first, let's go to our car of the year!

 

CAR OF THE YEAR: BENEFACTOR STREITER

 

Much more than just a Schafter Wagon that's been slightly raised and given some plastic body cladding, the Benefactor Streiter is a Helmut's exclusive special model that is every car to every man and woman. For the neurotic Vinewood trophy mom and housewife, there's more than enough room for little Kayden's baseball equipment and Jessie's ballet equipment, plus more than enough hidden cubbyholes to hide your recreational opiate stash. For the car hipsters among us, enjoy the fast acceleration provided by the Streiter's twin turbocharged V6 and the capacious back storage area that you will never use, because, let's face it, the only reason you buy a car like this over the faster and more aerodynamic sedan is to gain brownie points among the Jalopnik crowd. And for the second amendment enthusiasts, enjoy the layered storage space in back that allow you to hide any number of illegal automatic firearms. You could use this as a doomsday survival vehicle with ease, at least before the catastrophic air suspension malfunction leaves you stranded in the nuclear wasteland. She's also no slouch offroad too, with the test mule we were provided making it up Chilliad with ease and in supreme comfort. It's without a doubt the best car to come to our showroom in 2017, so what are you waiting for? Visit us at Helmut's today and put a down payment, we'll be waiting!

 

LRM_EXPORT_20180116_234302.jpg

 

LRM_EXPORT_20180116_235334.jpg

 

BRAND OF THE ISSUE: PFISTER

 

Pfister made their mark in the automotive world by making brutally fast, well engineered cars that were basically the same thing as your dad's old Injection. However, Pfister make much more than the Comet nowadays. Cars such as the Juarez grand touring sedan, the Guiana full size luxury SUV, and the Java crossover. However, Pfister also have many flavors of their traditional Comet sports car, plus the Antilles, a more stripped down sports car akin to the Comets of older times. 

 

PFISTER JAVA TURBO

 

Gsut6Oe.jpg

 

UWizamS.jpg

 

57RMajU.jpg

 

F7eakrU.jpg

 

DXpsKBU.jpg

 

From the moment you turned the key, you knew this wasn't your wife's kind of crossover: the Pfister Java takes the spirit of the Comet and distills it into a fast, sporty crossover that will get noticed on the road about as much as the Gresley your SO drives. Sure, you might just leave that beautifully engineered turbocharged V6 in Eco mode and eventually forget it even had a sport mode, sure, you might be better served with the base V6 model and use the money saved to buy some of the the ridiculously overpriced options packages: But that's okay, because whether it's the Chili-Con-Carnival the upper management of your firm is putting on or just another day at the office, the Pfister Turbo badge is a symbol from one depressed, broken hedge fund manager to all the others: You're the top dog. If you can't be happy about anything else in your dreary, repetitive corporate life, you can at least temporarily fake a smile for the Java.

 

PFISTER GUIANA TURBO

 

np4Moc8.jpg

 

0pcVFhS.jpg

 

7eGHy6X.jpg

 

Everyone laughed their asses off when Pfister first announced they would build a full-size SUV, but in a world of 4 cylinder Vapid Dominators and Coquettes with the engine in the middle, the Guiana is starting to make a lot of sense in comparison. The perfect fit to go along with your Pfister Sport watch, polo shirt, and smartphone, the Guiana is a collection of oxymorons: A SUV that corners like a sports car, a luxury vehicle with perfectly weighted, precise steering, a sports car for the whole family. And the only vehicle on the road that puts a deeper pit in the stomachs of other drivers is a Vapid Interceptor: When the peons in their Karin's see you right on their ass, Pfister badge on display, 4.0 Liter Twin Turbo V8 bellowing, you won't have to ask twice for them to pull over. 

 

PFISTER JUAREZ TURBO

 

YF1epd2.jpg

 

DAC5L4u.jpg

 

FYHAtuf.jpg

 

84VZ7fS.jpg

 

LPl0Q6c.jpg

 

You're a wealthy, intelligent, rational man. You look at the bloated, unreliable Schafter LWB's and Oracles of this world and shake your head. We at Helmut's feel your pain, and not only because we paid a marketing firm to target ads to you on LifeInvader. And we can tell you the Pfister Juarez is the car you need in your life. Conceived by Germany's finest engineers, tinkered with for maximum performance and reliability, the Pfister Juarez is in a class of it's own. A fast, grippy luxury sedan that is equally at home being flogged on the race track of your choice as it is in the parking lot of your local organic grocer. So, what are you waiting for? Put down a deposit and trade that "Back In Black" album CD in for a mint pressing of "Kid A", because when you buy a Juarez, you're joining a club of the brightest, most intelligent doctors, engineers, scientists, Rick and Morty fans, and other assorted Nobel Prize winners.

 

PFISTER ANTILLES GTO

 

a9k80V3.jpg

 

tRDazTx.jpg

 

wtoXkKT.jpg

 

nOKYHtS.jpg

 

The Antilles was initially laughed off as being a Comet for people who were too poor to own a Comet, however, after driving it, many auto journalists proclaimed it better than the Comet it came after, however bemoaned the lack of power. Pfister heard their cries, and created the GTO version of the Antilles to help. Start the engine and hear the naturally aspirated flat six roar to life, begging for more and more until you finally reach that 8000 RPM redline and grab hold of the sculpted, totally-not-phallic gear shifter and get ready to do it all over again. Leave the limp wristed executives to their base-model Comets: You've got something timeless.

 

PFISTER COMET GTO RS

 

9ouE98m.jpg

 

PPGSEZl.jpg

 

mg0xMdN.jpg

 

cwMigfF.jpg

 

This isn't your boss's Comet: This pristine example of the limited edition GTO RS is available for viewing at our Paleto Showroom now, and you'd best come before a Rothschild or Von Crastenburg scoops this one up first. This car is on a completely different mental plane compared to the plebian Comets below it: the lack of cabin sound deadening lets you hear the gorgeously piped flat six moan all the way up to it's 8000 RPM redline. The beautifully weighted mechanical steering is like a Trojan Vibrator for the hands. With the average example being priced at north of 2.5 million, this is the kind of Pfister that would make an 811 owner's jaw drop in jealousy. We'd be happy to schedule an appointment for you to come see it, but do it quick.

 

PONSONBY'S SEASONAL SHOW

 

This new section of the Helmut's Gazette will show off some of the best outfit combinations for the season, using clothing straight out of Ponsonby's great selection! The theme for this issue is winter outfits!

 

THE MAISONETTE 9

 

1516165304502.png

 

THE HERCULES

 

1516166359359.png

 

THE YANKTON

 

1516446886742.png

 

THE HELMUT'S GUIDE: HOTELS OF LOS SANTOS EDITION

 

In this expose, me and the Helmut's crew venture all around southern San Andreas to find the best spots to park your million-dollar hypercar, enjoy the scenery, or maybe just chill. In this issue, the theme is the great luxury hotels of Los Santos!

 

THE RICHMAN HOTEL

 

kffvfxZMpESiB9fRV-IQFA_0_0.jpg

 

FzrFuN7dWUOtjHapOg3zhQ_0_0.jpg

 

C0-TMfwvaUOH3VIgyHuK1g_0_0.jpg

 

THE GENTRY MANOR

 

BmkGE6vV90iEXsioR__-Hg_0_0.jpg

 

168uui50MUa2amjQ_PEKfg_0_0.jpg

 

THE PEGASUS CONCIERGE HOTEL

 

-UMkhcL4MUeCrgznadagng_0_0.jpg

 

SSBPXNffDEu71bZB_momXQ_0_0.jpg

 

I hope you guys enjoyed the first Helmut's Gazette! If there's anything you guys feel I should add, expand upon, or get rid of for our next issue in March, don't hesitate to let me know!

 

Special thanks to Maxxi

 

(PS: If the mods don't think this belongs in Vehicles, move it wherever you feel like)

  • FrikkenZz, Tupiz, Alex Francisco and 8 others like this

AlienTwo
  • AlienTwo

    Infinite Diversity, Infinite Combinations

  • Paleto Bay Mayor's Office
  • Joined: 16 Nov 2013
  • Mars
  • Best Poster in General Chat 2017
    Coolest Member 2017
    Best Post 2017 [Paul Walker]
    Best Poster [Gen Chat] 2016
    Contribution Award [Snapmatic Competition]
    Golden Trump Award 2016
    Funniest Member 2015
    Best Poster [Gen Chat] 2015
    Helpfulness Award
    Best Poster [Gen Chat] 2014
    Second Best Alien

#2

Posted 4 weeks ago

What can I say but:

WxA4D.gif
  • FrikkenZz, Local Crazy Man and kovaandr like this

Maxxi
  • Maxxi

    The One and Only

  • Paleto Bay Mayor's Office
  • Joined: 18 May 2014
  • United-States

#3

Posted 4 weeks ago

Special thanks to Maxxi


happy-oh-stop-it-you.jpg


Damn fine write up, my friend. HELMUTS IS BACK! WOO!
  • FrikkenZz and AlienTwo like this

FrikkenZz
  • FrikkenZz

    Deputy City Manager - PBMO

  • Paleto Bay Mayor's Office
  • Joined: 12 Jul 2005
  • Norway
  • Mister Los Santos 2016 Runner-Up
    Doggo-Chop Winner 2016
    Contribution Award [Snapmatic Competition]
    14K Doggo/Catto-Chop Winner 2017

#4

Posted 4 weeks ago

Great work Prepsi! :) Love it! Nice with a section aboit where to park your luxury car and enjoy the scenery. Those places makes for great backgrounds to take car pics. :)
  • AlienTwo and Maxxi like this

-RP-
  • -RP-

    YT Streamer

  • Members
  • Joined: 09 Feb 2017
  • None

#5

Posted 4 weeks ago

Sorry, but Forza7 shots shouldn't be in a GTA vehicle thread. Everything else is kewl tho

  • Hazzardtohimself, Mattoropael, EVOLUT7ON and 2 others like this

kovaandr
  • kovaandr

    If you gonna act like a bitch, you gonna die like a bitch

  • Members
  • Joined: 11 Nov 2016
  • Austria

#6

Posted 4 weeks ago

Sorry, but Forza7 shots shouldn't be in a GTA vehicle thread. Everything else is kewl tho

Agreed, he could have used any of the new Pfisters that came with this update...

  • Mattoropael and EVOLUT7ON like this

-RP-
  • -RP-

    YT Streamer

  • Members
  • Joined: 09 Feb 2017
  • None

#7

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by -RP-, 4 weeks ago.

Or at least use PC mod within GTA.  Don't know why people post shots from other games on a "GTA" forum. smh

  • Mattoropael and kovaandr like this

Prepsi
  • Prepsi

    Player Hater

  • Paleto Bay Mayor's Office
  • Joined: 21 Jan 2016
  • United-States

#8

Posted 4 weeks ago

Sorry, but Forza7 shots shouldn't be in a GTA vehicle thread. Everything else is kewl tho

Interesting, so you'd rather I use PC mods? I wouldn't mind that, I know there's a lot of good PC models you can't find in any other game. Only reason I used Forza shots is because when I used to do this in the PBMO thread, that's what I used. I'd totally be willing to do some PC shots for next issue though!

  • AlienTwo likes this

kovaandr
  • kovaandr

    If you gonna act like a bitch, you gonna die like a bitch

  • Members
  • Joined: 11 Nov 2016
  • Austria

#9

Posted 4 weeks ago

 

Sorry, but Forza7 shots shouldn't be in a GTA vehicle thread. Everything else is kewl tho

Interesting, so you'd rather I use PC mods? I wouldn't mind that, I know there's a lot of good PC models you can't find in any other game. Only reason I used Forza shots is because when I used to do this in the PBMO thread, that's what I used. I'd totally be willing to do some PC shots for next issue though!

 

Yeah, but if you use mods, I would prefer you to use those that use the ingame manufacturers and not just those that copy the real-life cars 1:1.


Prepsi
  • Prepsi

    Player Hater

  • Paleto Bay Mayor's Office
  • Joined: 21 Jan 2016
  • United-States

#10

Posted 4 weeks ago

 

 

Sorry, but Forza7 shots shouldn't be in a GTA vehicle thread. Everything else is kewl tho

Interesting, so you'd rather I use PC mods? I wouldn't mind that, I know there's a lot of good PC models you can't find in any other game. Only reason I used Forza shots is because when I used to do this in the PBMO thread, that's what I used. I'd totally be willing to do some PC shots for next issue though!

 

Yeah, but if you use mods, I would prefer you to use those that use the ingame manufacturers and not just those that copy the real-life cars 1:1.

 

If I do end up doing mods I'd ideally have it be a mix. There's a lot of awesome "lore" mods in that game, but there's also a lot of good real life cars that would be perfect for something like this.


M*A*R*I*N*A
  • M*A*R*I*N*A

    Darling Sweetheart

  • Members
  • Joined: 10 May 2014
  • Switzerland

#11

Posted 4 weeks ago

I'm confused, why are you talking about Forza cars? This is GTA...


Mach1bud
  • Mach1bud

    Gearhead

  • GTA Series Staff
  • Joined: 28 Jan 2014
  • United-States
  • Coolest GTA Member 2017
    Best GTA Photographer 2016
    Coolest Member 2016
    Best Character [Snap] 2016
    Mister Los Santos 2016 Winner
    [Snapmatic Awards 2015] Best Male Character

#12

Posted 4 weeks ago

Good work. I dig it.

Agreed that GTA shots would work way better.
  • EVOLUT7ON, psymin, M*A*R*I*N*A and 3 others like this

Prepsi
  • Prepsi

    Player Hater

  • Paleto Bay Mayor's Office
  • Joined: 21 Jan 2016
  • United-States

#13

Posted 2 weeks ago

Good work. I dig it.

Agreed that GTA shots would work way better.

Given the feedback I'll definitely be moving it over to all GTA shots this next issue. It'll probably be a mix of real and lore cars just because there are some great car mods for both aisles on PC.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users