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Between Life and Death

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Vercetti21
  • Vercetti21

    V21

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 12 Jul 2007

#1

Posted 30 July 2017 - 02:14 AM Edited by Vercetti21, 30 July 2017 - 02:42 AM.

They tried to kill me, but I didn't die.

 

I woke up in a dark and drizzling alleyway. A street gutter loudly gulped down the puddles of blood and water around my body. I could feel the stab wounds in my back, and my head still rang from the impact of a crowbar.

 

I used to kill people for a living, so believe me when I say this was a sh*t job. But I gave up that life. I tried to walk away. Even moved to another city and changed my name. But somehow, they still found me. They wouldn't let me live, and they failed to let me die. They stabbed me in the back, but they should have made sure I was dead.

 

I won't be turning the other cheek this time. There will be a reckoning.

 

I winced in pain as I turned on my side and waited for an ambulance. There was a deep, righteous anger flowing through me, keeping me alive. I stared into the abyss of the long dark night, and waited.


Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    Killed by drones.

  • Zaibatsu
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Creative [Writing] 2016
    Most Talented Writer 2015
    Most Talented Writer 2014
    Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#2

Posted 30 July 2017 - 11:48 AM

I liked the opening line, and there's a few nice sentences throughout this, but aside from a bit of shiny, I found this lacking. There's a story behind this, and I wanted to see at least a little. Instead this feels more like a synopsis

As an opening I liked it but without what comes next or even before, it just feels unfinished.

PicardsBong
  • PicardsBong

    Lazy Astronaut

  • Members
  • Joined: 11 Jul 2017
  • United-States

#3

Posted 03 August 2017 - 02:14 PM

Glad to see another writer playing with short pieces! Keep it up!

I like this, man, and I'm soooo happy you didn't fall into the trap so many on this forum do and make it into something about GTA. That woulda killed my vibe. I love the games as much as the next guy, but we're missing out on some good writing and good discussion by always setting our stories in this established universe. That's not to knock them all, of course there's some quality there. But I like stuff outside those lines.

Now, as to your piece. Whole thing could use a shine to the language, and maybe shorten your sentences up a bit to add to the gritty nature of this man's thinking. I'd like a little more info on his newfound meaningless job. It's a great scene to have him survive this rough past life, and get killed doing some stupid legal gig, but I think your story would be heavier and have a lot more oomph if you expanded on this or made it the focus.

My two cents, take it or leave it. Just keep writing!




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