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Alien: Covenant: If The Crew Weren't Complete Morons

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PicardsBong
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#1

Posted A week ago

I wrote this for you guys because I hated this movie and love GTAF. This website and this community has seen me through some tough times. If this is in the wrong place, I am very sorry. New to the forums. Please enjoy or eviscerate. I'll be happy either way.

Alien: Covenant: If The Crew Weren't Completely f*cking Stupid

INTRO, DEEP SPACE. The colony ship, USS COVENANT, hurtles through the dark, silent and imposing. The CREW sleeps peacefully in their stasis pods. We see WALTER, the ship's android, go about his routine. Focus in on one of the pods, and we see the soft face of DANIELS, wife of the CAPTAIN. Her dreams are interrupted by a message from WALTER, alerting the crew to a stellar ignition within close range.

THE CREW has assembled, and THE CAPTAIN was not turned into barbecue, saving JAMES FRANCO from getting a check for doing nothing. This is almost the year 2100. Why the f*ck would a stasis pod randomly fry your ass while you're sleeping? DANIELS is speaking, stupidly: "Water, organics, and a signal playing a song from Earth? How could we not investigate?" She was whiny, desperate almost.
"Uh, doy, cuz we have our orders and we have 2000 civilians who are counting on us NOT to expose them to some sort of horrible unknown strain of space AIDS?" THE CAPTAIN was incredulous and doubted their marriage every single day.
TENNESSEE: "But come on man, it's f*ckin' Jon Denver!"
THE CREW stares at Tennessee, all simultaneously wondering the same thing: how the f*ck did you get picked to fly a spaceship?
THE CAPTAIN breaks the silence.
"TENNESSEE, shut the f*ck up. Putting his dumbassery aside, the order stands. We will proceed to Origae-6 and log this planet. These people paid to get there, and we will get them there. Understood?"
THE CREW nods, and returns to their pods. WALTER congratulates THE CAPTAIN on taking the most prudent course of action and displaying logic unseen in his comrades. TENNESSEE pouts and drinks Jack Daniels. THE COVENANT speeds onwards, unthreatened. Down on THE PLANET, DAVID stares longingly into the distance, awaiting a stupid plot point that will never come.

FADE TO BLACK

CREDITS

THE END
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PicardsBong
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#2

Posted 2 days ago

I didn't realize this forum was so dead. Damn. Sorry for the promotional bump. I'll take a warning. Just a shame the GTAF Writer's Crew ain't more active.
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Carbonox
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#3

Posted 2 days ago

I didn't realize this forum was so dead. Damn. Sorry for the promotional bump. I'll take a warning. Just a shame the GTAF Writer's Crew ain't more active.

We have our phases. They just keep getting increasingly few and far between.

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PicardsBong
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#4

Posted 2 days ago

Thanks Carbonox. If you get a chance to read it, please lemme know your opinion. Via PM or public reply. Idk either way. Just need some feedback.
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Carbonox
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#5

Posted 2 days ago

My main issue is I've never seen this movie, so I don't have any particular knowledge about the characters or the plot for that matter.

 

In TV Tropes speak, though, I see a decent Take That to the far-too-common Idiot Plot trope. Bit short, of course, but maybe that's the point - taking the idiocy out of the characters does result in quick conclusions surprisingly often. :p

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saintsrow
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#6

Posted 2 days ago

My main issue is I've never seen this movie, so I don't have any particular knowledge about the characters or the plot for that matter.

 

In TV Tropes speak, though, I see a decent Take That to the far-too-common Idiot Plot trope. Bit short, of course, but maybe that's the point - taking the idiocy out of the characters does result in quick conclusions surprisingly often. :p

I haven't seen it either, but I like the idea of a snarky take on what it should have been.  Now, *that's* creativity.  Perhaps there is room for a thread here, where we rewrite these bigscreen failures in a vein of biting sarcasm, which is both entertaining and satisfying, like the OP.  

 

I'm not at all surprised to hear that another big-name sequel has taken the cheap, easy way out.  Having watched movies for decades, it has often amazed me that these professional storytellers, directors, and producers commit $100M to make a movie, with all of its moving parts and hardworking artists, that has a clichéd, cheaply manipulative, unrealistic, choppy story, and plot pivots that wouldn't even make through a 30 minute TV sitcom.  

 

The beating heart of a creative work should be a coherent story, with appropriate emotions and motivations, that feel right, a story with verisimilitude and continuity, plausibility, and characters that actually fit the environment of the story.  

 

I've realized that very few movies, especially in past 20 years, actually feel right and coherent, that really make me say, wow, that was done right.  Why is this so hard, with so many pros in Hollywood?    

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PicardsBong
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#7

Posted A day ago

My main issue is I've never seen this movie, so I don't have any particular knowledge about the characters or the plot for that matter.
 
In TV Tropes speak, though, I see a decent Take That to the far-too-common Idiot Plot trope. Bit short, of course, but maybe that's the point - taking the idiocy out of the characters does result in quick conclusions surprisingly often. :p

I haven't seen it either, but I like the idea of a snarky take on what it should have been.  Now, *that's* creativity.  Perhaps there is room for a thread here, where we rewrite these bigscreen failures in a vein of biting sarcasm, which is both entertaining and satisfying, like the OP.  
 
I'm not at all surprised to hear that another big-name sequel has taken the cheap, easy way out.  Having watched movies for decades, it has often amazed me that these professional storytellers, directors, and producers commit $100M to make a movie, with all of its moving parts and hardworking artists, that has a clichéd, cheaply manipulative, unrealistic, choppy story, and plot pivots that wouldn't even make through a 30 minute TV sitcom.  
 
The beating heart of a creative work should be a coherent story, with appropriate emotions and motivations, that feel right, a story with verisimilitude and continuity, plausibility, and characters that actually fit the environment of the story.  
 
I've realized that very few movies, especially in past 20 years, actually feel right and coherent, that really make me say, wow, that was done right.  Why is this so hard, with so many pros in Hollywood?    

Thank you Carbonox! It's worth a watch if you're a fan of the franchise, but otherwise don't waste your time. And isn't that amazing, saintsrow? All this money, all these people. And they still f*ck up. I've read from some critics that the main reason for the decline of cinema is the rise of franchising, and the fact you can't get a movie made unless you show a studio a plan for 6 more. This just does not lend itself to quality story telling. Take The Mummy movies, if you will. The originals were fun, light hearted, pretty cheesy adventure flicks. Why the hell did Hollywood see the need to remake them into a 'dark and gritty' (ugh) new series? Franchising, that's why. It's sucking the creativity from movies.
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Mokrie Dela
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#8

Posted A day ago

Movies are definitely of lower quality than they used to. Some attribute this to lack of ideas but the ideas are out there, just get ignored in favour of half assed reboots. Take the mummy, Spider-Man or James Bond; why not just have it as the next chapter? Instead they reboot. Why not create a new, original movie, maybe take a few cues from another but make it unique?

Let's say I release a new story called The just and the vengeful. Might get a few views. Now let's call it "grand theft auto: the just and the vengeful" - it'll get more views. Attaching it to a familiar franchise instantly makes people think 'oooh' b cause they know the franchise and it's a new one! They almost know what it'll be.

To be even more cynical, I could say that producers don't WANT new films or anything (even though there are new films), because it's more profitable to have a new chapter of a franchise.

I don't know much about the film industry but most of my favourite films are pre-millennial. Whether it's the first Matrix, or the original Rio Bravo or Johnny Guitar.

This is where I think the independent market has potential (until it too get saturated by corporate)
Look at the original mad max. Spawned a franchise but started humbly.

As for this piece - and let's get back on track - I can't offer much feedback because there's little to go on. The movie plot may be idiotic but it leads to conflict and tension, resolution and quests etc (check the pinned topic). This is little more than a synopsis, and really there's no story to be told here. Better yet would be to identify the root problem of the movie ( seems to e that initial decision) and address it while still trying to develop a plot. That would make interesting reading for the fans

And also bear in mind that such a work would falter on anyone who isn't a fan or who hasn't seen it. With COL and JIF I tried to create something that was based on GTA iv but if you'd never played the game you'd at least be able to follow it. The endless arguement is: does it have to be fan fiction or could you convert it into an original work. A spin off maybe but a loose one?
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PicardsBong
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#9

Posted A day ago

Movies are definitely of lower quality than they used to. Some attribute this to lack of ideas but the ideas are out there, just get ignored in favour of half assed reboots. Take the mummy, Spider-Man or James Bond; why not just have it as the next chapter? Instead they reboot. Why not create a new, original movie, maybe take a few cues from another but make it unique?

Let's say I release a new story called The just and the vengeful. Might get a few views. Now let's call it "grand theft auto: the just and the vengeful" - it'll get more views. Attaching it to a familiar franchise instantly makes people think 'oooh' b cause they know the franchise and it's a new one! They almost know what it'll be.

To be even more cynical, I could say that producers don't WANT new films or anything (even though there are new films), because it's more profitable to have a new chapter of a franchise.

I don't know much about the film industry but most of my favourite films are pre-millennial. Whether it's the first Matrix, or the original Rio Bravo or Johnny Guitar.

This is where I think the independent market has potential (until it too get saturated by corporate)
Look at the original mad max. Spawned a franchise but started humbly.

As for this piece - and let's get back on track - I can't offer much feedback because there's little to go on. The movie plot may be idiotic but it leads to conflict and tension, resolution and quests etc (check the pinned topic). This is little more than a synopsis, and really there's no story to be told here. Better yet would be to identify the root problem of the movie ( seems to e that initial decision) and address it while still trying to develop a plot. That would make interesting reading for the fans

And also bear in mind that such a work would falter on anyone who isn't a fan or who hasn't seen it. With COL and JIF I tried to create something that was based on GTA iv but if you'd never played the game you'd at least be able to follow it. The endless arguement is: does it have to be fan fiction or could you convert it into an original work. A spin off maybe but a loose one?



Sorry to quote your whole long, quality post Mokrie but I'm on mobile and couldn't be arsed to scroll back up and delete it lol, lazy I know. To be honest, not to diminish the quality of my own work lol, but I thought this up on the toilet at work and fleshed it out that evening when I got home. I hated this movie, and I've been chuckling at the multiple folks who have replied and said simply they haven't seen it, it really wasn't worth anyone's time, hahaha. I just wanted to write a short little scene to rake its poor writing over the coals a bit. Thank you for replying so thoroughly to a post about a movie you haven't seen, I appreciate your thoughts regardless. From what I've seen your quite active on here and we need as many active writers as we can get nowadays. So thank you! I'm new to the forums, I look forward to future discussions and criticism from you, and please PM me if you ever wanna talk offboard!

Mokrie Dela
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#10

Posted A day ago Edited by Mokrie Dela, A day ago.

Welcome man! Defo welcome any new writers to this section. I've been inactive lately but trying to rectify that. Haven't written for months!

You're defo welcome to post more works here. Want to have a crack at a full story? (I don't mean a 400 page, 300,000 word behemoth, but a short or something) go for it! This section is quiet but those that are active here are solid people and will help you out a lot! We need more people like carbonox, saintsrow, albanyave and a couple of others. Also here's a tip:

When quoting a large post (or a quote train) on mobile, find where it says and immediately after that (before the first letter of that users actual post) type in:
[spoiler]

Then go to the very end and just before [/quote], type in [/spoiler] (note the '/']  - this will hide the entire quote (or anything in between the spoiler tags) in a clickable spoiler button and save the long post.

If you're replying to the most recent post, you don't need to quote. In a slow topic with few posters, you can just say someone's name instead of quoting (unless quoting a specific part)

That will help you across these entire boards 👍🏻




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