Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

red dead rebel

2 replies to this topic
confederatestatesgta
  • confederatestatesgta

    garou the badass hero hunter from one punch man.

  • Members
  • Joined: 31 May 2013
  • United-States

#1

Posted 02 March 2017 - 08:14 PM

hi everyone im back at it again trying a new fan fiction. this one is about the civil war and the old west. it is set in the red dead universe and the protagonist will come in contact with other characters in the universe. enjoy and please dont kill me if i make a few mistakes. also please dont take offense to any insults said in this. i might write yankee or have racial slurs but this is only to keep thngs accurate. please do not be offended this is set in the 19th century.

 

 

 

chapter 1

 

hi my name is mathew this is the story of my life and journey throughout the old west. i suppose it starts when i was 15 during the civil war in 1863. my pa was a confederate soldier. he was an artilleryman and very good at it. i lived on our little farm in tennessee with my mom and older sister jessica. we did not have a lot of money. my moms sister on the other hand was rich. they had a plantation with slaves and a big house. they helped us sometimes but they were pretty mean and greedy. things were going ok for the most part. my pa would send us letters often and tell us how he was doing. we had not seen the war yet until one day in late 1863 the yankees came to our farm.

 

 

 

 

chapter 2

 

I was feeding the animals when they came. There was about fifteen of them and I ran straight to our cabin to tell ma and Jessica. "mom the yankees are coming here what do we do"? "go tell jessica to hide and you too i will talk to them". "ok mom be careful i love you." "you too son." i ran to jessica she was watering our crops. "Jess we have to hide the yankees are coming mom is going to distract them". "follow me lets hide in the shed". i followed her in the shed and we saw the yankees ride in on horseback. they were cavalrymen. mom was standing in front of our house looking fearless. she was a strong woman. the leader of their group a sargent told them to halt and he spoke to my mom. "hello ma'am i am sargent brian calloway of the united states cavalry". "we are here to take anything you have for our army food, tools, horses or anything else we need". " i aint supplying the yankee army anything". "well unfortunately for you we can take whatever we want". "men go search for what we need come back in ten minutes". as the yankees moved around our house and stole most of our supplies i grabbed my gun that my pa gave me out of the shed and started loading it. jessica spoke with a whisper. "what are you going to do"? "im gonna stop them from stealing our stuff". "your going to get yourself killed i wont allow that". "ok your right but im going to load it just in case", as this was happening the sargent was getting close to my mom and i could tell he was up to no good. "your very pretty miss i haven't had a woman in a long time". GET OFF ME CREEP"! just then my mom punched him hard and he was mad. she was running from him towards the shed but he tackled her. "come on lady your just making this harder on yourself." he pulled down his pants and started raping her i couldn't take it. so i opened the shed door and lined up my gun just right and pulled the trigger. the man dropped and had a red hole in his chest. what happened next was even more horrifying. 

 

 

ok that was my first two chapters of red dead rebel. i know it started off pretty bad but it will get better eventually. please tell me what you thought i know the grammer is probably bad but im still working on it.


confederatestatesgta
  • confederatestatesgta

    garou the badass hero hunter from one punch man.

  • Members
  • Joined: 31 May 2013
  • United-States

#2

Posted 02 March 2017 - 11:36 PM

Chapter 3

 

 

 

Immediately after I shot the man my mom got up and hugged me. “I am so proud of you son thank you”.

“ Your father would be proud”.

 

 Just then the soldiers came back after hearing the gunshot.

“ Which one of you assholes killed our sergeant”? I took a shot at him but I missed. “ Put the gun down kid “! They all had their guns on me so I dropped it. They surrounded us and we put our hands up.

 

 “Looks like we got a young jonny reb here.”

 “The second highest rank here is corporal Haines.”

  “What should we do with them corporal?”

   “Is there anybody else at this farm?”

   

 

I didn’t speak Jessica was still in the shed and I was not going to tell them another woman was here especially since jess was very good looking.

 

“Two of you check the shed the rest cover these two.” Said corporal Haines.

The two soldiers opened the door and saw Jessica. They grabbed her and she started screaming. I was very scared I couldn’t help her now with all these men and their guns on us.

 

“Leave her alone she didn’t do anything let her go.”

“Kid you are in a lot of trouble as it is so shut your mouth.”

During all of this my mom noticed my gun lying next to her. Time suddenly went very slow and I saw her pick up the gun and shoot five soldiers in the head perfectly. She got up and took us behind the shed.

 

“Matt give me your ammo im gonna teach these Yankee pigs not to mess with the confederate states of America.”

“That was amazing how did you do that?”

“You weren’t supposed to find out until you became an adult Ill tell you later.”

 

She shot at the soldiers and one by one they fell. One man was left the corporal. He kept firing but I could guess he was scared. As my mom got out of cover corporal Haines shot her in the chest. She fell but was still alive barely.

 

“Jessica take the gun kill that bastard just like I taught you.”

“Ok mom Ill tortures that piece of sh*t.”

 

Time slowed down again and jess shot him straight in the head. After we saw he was dead we tried to help mom but it was futile. Tears in our eyes we talked to mom.

 

“Mom what was that how did you slow down time?”

“It is a gift very few people have you two are lucky to have it.”

“How do I use it?”

“You usually get it around 18 that’s when me and Jessica got it.”

“Will you teach me mom please?”

“I would love to son but it seems god is calling me home.”

“Go to aunt Judy’s plantation she has the gift too she can teach you.”

“Mom please doesn’t go I need you.”

“I love you so much Mathew im so proud of you.”

“And Jessica you did great im very proud of you too.”

“Help guide your brother please and teach him what I taught you.”

“ I will I love you so much mother.”

“Goodbye children I love you both so much.”

 

My mother was dead jess and me were crying. Jess got the shovel out of the shed and buried her. We said some prayers for her. After that we gathered our stuff and got on our horses. We were going to aunt Judy’s. that was a very sad day but it was also the day I became a man and killed for the first time. it was also when i learned about the gift i would eventually get. the gift known as dead eye.

 

 

ok so that was chapter three very intense. what do you think? i did chapter 3 on microsoft word was that better than the first two chapters? let me know and also let me know what you think of the story so far. thanks i hope you enjoyed.


Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    Killed by drones.

  • Zaibatsu
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Creative [Writing] 2016
    Most Talented Writer 2015
    Most Talented Writer 2014
    Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#3

Posted 09 March 2017 - 07:37 PM

A lot of grammar errors in this - missing capitals and such. From the very first sentence, it's very evident, and to be blunt, seems like it's rushed; an edit/proof read should have caught 95% of these. I do love red dead, and ive found it's biggest strength is the atmosphere - of which I found nothing in here. Chapter one is empty - just a list of an uninteresting character's background. There is no scene to be set and the pattern of language doesn't feel very western-y, either.
The opening sentence of chapter 2 would actually be a far stronger start - BAM, straight into action, intrigue and implied familiarity (which in a fan of): "I was feeding the animals when they came" - it makes me ask "who," and also "where". But it's coming too late in the story to pull me in.

That old saying, about judging a book by its cover? That concept about first impressions when meeting people applies to stories; the opening is so important you've got to get it right. Paint a vivid and involving scene, introduce us (gradually) to an interesting and developed character. Most of this can be achieved with time effort and patience - of which it feels there is little applied here.

Here's how I would open it:

I was feeding the animals when they came. From inside the paddocks I could see the cloud of dust rise from over the hills. At first I thought a sandstorm was approaching, but then I heard the rumbling of dozens of hoofs over the gentler grunting of our horses. Through the dust, atop shadowy mounts, I saw the drab uniforms of the cavelry.

I dropped the pitchfork and ran for the house.

"Pa!" I yelled. "They a-coming!"


Doesn't that offer much more? You need to show us and not tell us.

I hope that you don't find this too critical and don't be too discouraged. Take a bit more time and care to craft something more layered and you'll be churning out triple-a standard works in no time




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users