He had always stranded himself from the militias of his childhood. He saw his friend's father, who worked along side the coal trains that stretched across the flat, isolated island with it's edges creased upwards - it's people, living only within. His friend's father's sidekick, always there but hobbling just to the left, as if trying to avoid the catastrophes the two would create, kept close and also worked the grimy and greasy gears of the trains that, as any average person, followed in it's same tracks every day to cease all work finally at dawn in the cold and rectangular structured stations - boxes, limits. He had wondered, if he had kept close with a friend of his, that maybe, just maybe, he would have followed in the same path to working a job passing illuminated highway signs, refuelling and pissing along the quiet walls outside the motel inns and straddling the lifeless and helpless bodies of women, wishing they had got that scholarship five years ago.
Posted 14 August 2014 - 08:12 AM Edited by Lexty., 15 August 2014 - 05:36 AM.
Posted 14 August 2014 - 09:00 AM
I think it's great how much you contribute to this forum, but I didn't quite get this piece. It didn't seem to actually say much. There's no questions raised that makes people want more, no real emotive connection, just saying something pretty bland, if I'm honest.
And there's fundamental mistakes such as missing/unneeded apostrophes. "his friend's father" for example. here is implied ownership, so an apostrophe's needed. The kicker is that "it's" is the abbreviated form of "it is" - using it and implying ownership is "its" (its people). The good news is that these are easily caught in a proof read, so there's no need for me to delve into it any more.
But the only thing I'm taking from this is the narrator's friend's father worked a job with some guy.. and, well tbh, there's just not much going on.
Your language is good, but this piece simply goes nowhere imo.
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Posted 14 August 2014 - 11:29 AM Edited by Lexty., 14 August 2014 - 11:31 AM.
It's a shame you didn't see anything in this piece. I actually thought it was different from some of the other stuff I have written. Thanks for the apostrophe correction - mind you, I actually didn't proof read it. I had it laying around on my computer files and just decided to post it because I kind of like the idea to it. It seems I have failed anyway to tell the story through my words, but, from what I got from the story, it speaks of how people can become trapped in this "flat, isolated island with it's edges creased upwards", expressing a visual image of fortification, and the people becoming totally absorbed my their town/city, "It's people, only living within." It also delves into the notion that people in tight bonds, such as friends, can be seen going through life and following an eerily same path. The character in this questions that if he stayed with a close friend, would he of ended up driving the solemn highways as a truckie, living a life of travelling the same roads, relating to the life's of people who become absorbed in their daily routines, "...followed in it's same tracks every day to cease all work finally at dawn in the cold and rectangular structured stations - boxes, limits. " I tried the relate the rectangular stations as the house of a person, limiting the persons boundaries. I hope that might have perhaps opened some more insight on this text. I was thinking of continuing it with going into more detail with the woman that was straddled by the truck driver. Anywho, I apologise if you are tired of seeing my material. I can admit, it isn't great.
Posted 14 August 2014 - 04:24 PM
I think, Mokrie, that you've only taken this at face value. You're way off the mark to say that "there's just not much going on", because there's a lot going on under the surface. At the same time though I think you've identified a flaw with it, although perhaps for different reasons: "this piece simply goes nowhere". But I'll come back to that.
For me this is a poem, and as such its language warrants repeated investigation to figure out exactly what the author is getting at. That it's formatted as prose can be deceiving, but to my eyes it's a poem nonetheless.
My first impression was that the protagonist is filled with regret for something he either did or didn't do; that due to the choices he's made, he's found himself trapped in a situation with no escape. This came mainly from the tone of the last line; "wishing they had got that scholarship" - there's clearly an undercurrent of someone ruing a missed opportunity, looking back from what is to what was.
To my own detriment I read ahead to the replies before trying to unravel the puzzle a little more, so before I've been able to solidify an interpretation beyond a vague first impression, I've been given Lexty's intention. Word of note, Lexty -- don't feel like you have to explain yourself so much! It's obviously not your fault that I've read your reply, haha, but still, be confident enough in the writing to let it stand for itself. It's all in there; you didn't need to explain it.
Anyway. So my first impression was kind of along the right lines, but I've obviously missed some stuff along the way; especially the notion of the close friends being on an eerily similar path. This is a mesmerising idea and a brilliant insight into how things can go in life, and so if anything, this is something very much worthy of being explored. It's a worthy story.
Now the issue for me, as Mokrie alluded to, is that it genuinely doesn't go anywhere -- it feels like we're missing a beat at the end. The entire last line is structured as a potential outcome - "he had wondered, if he had kept close with a friend of his" - but that this is a past tense wondering, "had wondered", means that this isn't how his story ended up. It's almost self-defeating; you're trying to convey a sense of being trapped, yet your ending implies that this outcome didn't happen, and thus the character wasn't trapped. The story is missing the beat at the end where you describe what actually did become of the character.
Of course, maybe you wanted to end on a glimmer of hope; for the audience to infer from the wording that the protagonist, thankfully, didn't end up trapped. In which case all bets are off.
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Posted 15 August 2014 - 08:22 AM
Well, i guess I need to go back to writing school!
Re reading it after what Em said, I can kind of see it, but still it doesn't do much for me. That's not always the writers' failure - sometimes the reader lacks knowledge or something as might be the case here. No question that Em has more expertise than I do, so while (to be blunt) this still does very little for me (which is subjective), I won't argue with what he said.
Oh and never apologize for showing your material. It's inevitable that someone might not like something or miss the feeling of it. We've all had that. You're a very good contributor to this section and, i praise you for that. I think this just went over my head. That's not the first time it's happened, much to my frustration. Keep writing. If i don't like it, then that's my problem.
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