Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

The Possible Trinity

3 replies to this topic
Dr-Mayhem111
  • Dr-Mayhem111

    4th Generation Corsino Capo Crimini

  • Members
  • Joined: 10 Oct 2011

#1

Posted 07 August 2014 - 03:42 AM

Please be advised that this is my second attempt on this but with more. This will take place in both IV and V universe but five years after the IV story line and before the V story line but it will gradually be synced with it. Please feel free to state your opinion on this. 
 
2qn39cn.png
 
Prologue
 
Colony Island Cemetary, Liberty City
 
"... Roman, I'm so sorry Cousin." Something I repeat in my mind constantly. It was all my fault; since day, I've been the center of attention and Roman has always been the target. Because of my stupidity he was shot, kidnapped, he lost everything, and he died. Why must my loved ones pay for my sins when I'm the one to blame? During the war back home, I thought I would be killed right away but instead, I'm given another day. For what? To see others pay the consequences for my actions? Or to suffer? Either way, it doesn't matter now. Roman's gone, Packie left, Mallorie left to Vice City with her son, Kevin, and Jacob's arrested for life possibly. I am alone in this world.
 
The people I've killed out of anger and ignorance somehow appear in my nightmares each night. I see Vlads face before I pulled the trigger, killing him instantly. I see Dimitri's face, I see Mr. Faustin, I even see Darden. They have come back to haunt me but it won't work, my memories haunt me everyday and there's nothing I can do. When will my time come, to leave this corrupt world and be with my cousin again? I do not know... but I do know this, After years of looking after Roman, he is looking after me from up there. Do not worry cousin, the light will shine on me soon.
 
My life is similar to a dog running across a battlefield where it is forced to choose a side or it would be killed. I choose the side where I know Roman would be safe even thought he was never around. The side I chose after his death, is my own. I lost everything. The pent house in Algonquin, Roman's old company, and all of my cars. I'm nothing now. Almost homeless with no way to go and all I keep thinking about is the money I made back then, but I fail to realize the amount of damage it has caused me and my family. Would I ever go back? I don't know.
 
Stab City, Blaine County, San Andreas
 
"Brother's for life..." it used to mean something to us. Sticking by each other no matter what and always willing to take a bullet for your brother. What a f*cking joke. A Brotherhood is where the young and stupid try to be free from authority but in the long run they realize, it ain't worth it. I dedicated my life to The Brotherhood, for twenty years. Now I'm tired and weak. Fourty-two years old and still pretending to be a pissed off twenty-one year old breaking sh*t and riding hard, but that ain't me no more. My life is nothing but a mistake, which only makes sense because I've done so many.
 
I love the wrong women. Ashley, the love of my life. What the f*ck is wrong with me? It's so obvious she's gonna be the death of me sooner or later. She still smoking the ice and go me doing it too. Still f*cking the Brothers, even that creepy bald-headed f*ck Trevor. And still says she loves me...and I'm dumb enough to believe her. I'm tempted to get on my bike and ride far away from this bullsh*t, but where will I go? I don't exactly have a home or anybody for that fact. Damn, why me? Out of all of the mentally sick people in this world, I'm the target. If someone were to put a gun to me... I'd tell em to shoot already. This is too much.
 
Billy was the man I looked up to once upon a time, now I think of him as a back stabbing sh*t who always looked out for himself and not his Brothers. Killing him took a lot outta me, as it would anybody who had to kill a friend who was like an actual blood brother. f*ck it, that sh*t's over. I'm the President of The Lost Brotherhood and will die for any of my Brothers, no matter what. I'll kick the ice at some point, my journey starts now.
 
Washington Beach, Vice City
 
"I wanted to make something outta myself. Maybe go to Central Algonquin and become a businessman. Get outta Northwood and the drugs, become a somebody before I die on a corner I don't belong to." f*ck Bro, I said that when I was twenty years old tired of the streets. It took a while but my wish came true, I just didn't expect things to get so complicated once I got there. Diablo... to think that just five years ago, I was caught in the crosshairs of Russians, short and greasy Italians, even my own peoples in Northwood. I don't even wanna think about it, it wasn't a good time for me.
 
T's still the pill-popping old queen running clubs, now in Vice City. He's calm down now and ain't in debt no more, about f*cking time. I'm an official businessman running my own clubs, Tropical 100 and Crystal. The hottest clubs in Vice City affiliated with Tony Prince and... I'm not having the best time in my life. I still getting T outta bullsh*t, still dealing with my Mom, still dealing with H and A, and I'm barely getting any sleep. I don't know what to do anymore, pero I gotta keep going down this path until I find something 'cause at the moment...I keep running into the same bullsh*t as I continue.
 
Vice City, a place where people come to party and shove half of Bolivia up their nose everday.  I ran from L.C. and came here to start new but I realize, you can't run away from your problems. The Ancelotti's wanna kill me 'cause I killed Rocco's Uncle or whoever the f*ck he was. Looking over my shoulders all the time, not going out, keeping my life here discreet from everyone. I admit it, I'm scared, The Mob wants me dead and they can find me anywhere but I ain't an easy target.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • Members
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#2

Posted 07 August 2014 - 11:35 AM

Interesting concept, but i can see a lot of problems if all three characters are written in first person. You're going to have to put a lot of character into the narration and speech. Using words those characters would use - spanish for Luis for example, and even then there's going to be a risk of people being confused - and you don't want clear labeled segregation between them (because then there'd be no point!)

 

Personally, I would have all three as third person, but hey.

 

Reading this, I'm just not feeling the characters. Niko's almost there - a lot of sorrow and regret really - and i like the implication that things might be on the up for him.

 

Also, of these three passages, none actually do anything. They establish each character's stasis, okay that's important - we see Luis in in VC (will he meet Mallorie then?). I like the club names and the premise that he's "on the run"

 

But i think you're giving us too much information. Take Luis for example. You've told us the Ancellottis are after him and why. I'm wondering if it'd be better to not tell us that, and have Luis hint at it, just subtly, and him eventually adding to it, so we learn as we progress.

 

A couple of tiny errors in the writing but nothing I'll go into. For me personally, I think it needs a bit more work and an approach from a different angle - I don't think (personally) that 3 first person perspectives will work. I've tried it and could not get it to work. Perhaps you will, though, so if you stick to it, good luck.

 

Only Luis's passage offered me any kind of interest tbh. The premise is good, but apart from that, there's little that's pulling me on. Maybe starting with a form of conflict or a hint of it or something would be better, but what's here looks to me like a blurb more than an actual story.

Don't take this all as a putdown though, whether you act on my advice or stand by your own ideas, I'll be watching this :)


PooyanCyrus
  • PooyanCyrus

    iFruit fanboys are idiots

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Apr 2013
  • Mars
  • Best Concept Story 2013 "Grand Theft Auto: Ultimate"

#3

Posted 07 August 2014 - 12:21 PM

The people I've killed out of anger and ignorance somehow appear in my nightmares each night. I see Vlads face before I pulled the trigger, killing him instantly. I see Dimitri's face, I see Mr. Faustin, I even see Darden. They have come back to haunt me but it won't work, my memories haunt me everyday and there's nothing I can do. When will my time come, to leave this corrupt world and be with my cousin again? I do not know... but I do know this, After years of looking after Roman, he is looking after me from up there. Do not worry cousin, the light will shine on me soon.

 

This part was written rich. Keep the good work.


Dr-Mayhem111
  • Dr-Mayhem111

    4th Generation Corsino Capo Crimini

  • Members
  • Joined: 10 Oct 2011

#4

Posted 07 August 2014 - 03:54 PM

Thanks for the advice Mokrie, really appreciated. It took me a while to find a build up for this and this was the result but as I progress with my writing, it will become better. Luis was a difficult to write because his personality in TBoGT is just dull. I didn't feel much so I had to give him a fear factor. With Luis being targeted by the Mafia, more specifically, The Ancelotti Family, it's pretty much self explanatory when you complete the second to last mission in TBoGT. I thought adding that might give a little spice to the concept.

 

Johnny was another difficult. For those who played GTA V already knew his fate so I'm trying to get the audience attached to him in a way that after they read this, they would feel sadness when they replay "Trevor Philips".

 

Niko as you could imagine is torn up by his life in America. It takes place after he does the "Deal". 

 

I'll put in more on this and post the first official chapter probably sometime next week.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users