The Possible Trinity
Posted 07 August 2014 - 03:42 AM
Posted 07 August 2014 - 11:35 AM
Interesting concept, but i can see a lot of problems if all three characters are written in first person. You're going to have to put a lot of character into the narration and speech. Using words those characters would use - spanish for Luis for example, and even then there's going to be a risk of people being confused - and you don't want clear labeled segregation between them (because then there'd be no point!)
Personally, I would have all three as third person, but hey.
Reading this, I'm just not feeling the characters. Niko's almost there - a lot of sorrow and regret really - and i like the implication that things might be on the up for him.
Also, of these three passages, none actually do anything. They establish each character's stasis, okay that's important - we see Luis in in VC (will he meet Mallorie then?). I like the club names and the premise that he's "on the run"
But i think you're giving us too much information. Take Luis for example. You've told us the Ancellottis are after him and why. I'm wondering if it'd be better to not tell us that, and have Luis hint at it, just subtly, and him eventually adding to it, so we learn as we progress.
A couple of tiny errors in the writing but nothing I'll go into. For me personally, I think it needs a bit more work and an approach from a different angle - I don't think (personally) that 3 first person perspectives will work. I've tried it and could not get it to work. Perhaps you will, though, so if you stick to it, good luck.
Only Luis's passage offered me any kind of interest tbh. The premise is good, but apart from that, there's little that's pulling me on. Maybe starting with a form of conflict or a hint of it or something would be better, but what's here looks to me like a blurb more than an actual story.
Don't take this all as a putdown though, whether you act on my advice or stand by your own ideas, I'll be watching this
Posted 07 August 2014 - 12:21 PM
The people I've killed out of anger and ignorance somehow appear in my nightmares each night. I see Vlads face before I pulled the trigger, killing him instantly. I see Dimitri's face, I see Mr. Faustin, I even see Darden. They have come back to haunt me but it won't work, my memories haunt me everyday and there's nothing I can do. When will my time come, to leave this corrupt world and be with my cousin again? I do not know... but I do know this, After years of looking after Roman, he is looking after me from up there. Do not worry cousin, the light will shine on me soon.
This part was written rich. Keep the good work.
Posted 07 August 2014 - 03:54 PM
Thanks for the advice Mokrie, really appreciated. It took me a while to find a build up for this and this was the result but as I progress with my writing, it will become better. Luis was a difficult to write because his personality in TBoGT is just dull. I didn't feel much so I had to give him a fear factor. With Luis being targeted by the Mafia, more specifically, The Ancelotti Family, it's pretty much self explanatory when you complete the second to last mission in TBoGT. I thought adding that might give a little spice to the concept.
Johnny was another difficult. For those who played GTA V already knew his fate so I'm trying to get the audience attached to him in a way that after they read this, they would feel sadness when they replay "Trevor Philips".
Niko as you could imagine is torn up by his life in America. It takes place after he does the "Deal".
I'll put in more on this and post the first official chapter probably sometime next week.
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