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Failure
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#1

Posted 01 August 2014 - 11:23 PM Edited by Failure, 02 August 2014 - 09:27 AM.

The streets are dark, the hour is late, 
apparitions are visited upon him,
he who wanders with worrisome haste.
 
A man stands tall amid curdling screams, surrounded by soldiers. His eyes shine with conviction, his eyes shine with strength. Together they beat back the darkness; together they prove their worth and earn their place in the land; they are unafraid.
 
He dips his head in shame, does he who wanders.
 
A man returns from war, but war has not left him. Unkempt are his clothes, dishevelled is his hair and heavy is his heart. She comes to him, does she who consoles, and they embrace. He is relieved, for he has done his part. The fear leaves his eyes, but something implacable remains.
 
He clenches his jaw, does he who wanders.
 
The man sits at the head of the table, and she is at his side, she who consoled. Several children sit at the table, and he who wanders knows their names. Man and wife share a smile, and the man's eyes survey his family with contentment. The man sees past the mist for a moment and stares at the wanderer. His is a stern gaze, full of judgement--all of it deserved. The patriarch returns to his family. The family join hands and bow their heads. Their eyes are closed and their hearts beat with reverence; hearts of those who will never be.
 
It has begun to rain, and a lone raindrop carsses the wanderer's cheek. The raindrop falls to the ground.
  • Ziggy455, Tyler, universetwisters and 1 other like this

Ziggy455
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    Mahogany den writer, between the ashtrays and nuts.

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#2

Posted 08 November 2014 - 12:40 AM

Quality versus quantity, this is pretty f*cking rad. It paints such a vivid image, of perhaps regret, or what I think is the warrior syndrome. We see a man who has returned from war, and wanders now, lost without a purpose and we have him superimposed against the family. I think the wanderer is the physical manifestation of his want, to return to a place which he seems to be revered and acknowledged. I don't know as it's a very abstract piece, but little tidbits like this make me wish people like you would upload more work, because it's of a very high quality. 

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Failure
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#3

Posted 09 November 2014 - 12:40 AM Edited by Failure, 09 November 2014 - 12:42 AM.

Thanks a lot for the feedback, Ziggy.

 

 

This was one of those pieces that sort of fermented in my mind before I just typed it up quickly. Your analysis is interesting--the beauty of poetry lies in how it makes you feel rather than the exact intent of the poet. Your comments about purposelessness and regret are absolutely spot on though I have to say. 

 

I think I've lost a lot of my ability as I haven't had a lot of time to practice my writing. I have ideas in my head and have a few synopses of stories written down. I think that this poem was meant to be part of one of those stories in fact. When I find the time and my mood is right I'll type one of these stories and see where I stand with my writing. I need to try and regain the discipline needed for extended writing, but I also need to refine my knowledge of the basics. 

 

 

Thanks again for the kind words and analysis mate. 


Ziggy455
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#4

Posted 09 November 2014 - 12:46 AM

There's only one simple line of advice I can give you, which should make perfect sense.

 

You're only a writer when you're writing. 

 

Just writing on the page for the first thousand words or so can give you a solid direction of your story. Of course from there, you can plot, plan, change, and create/remove characters but there's a kind of magic in letting your mind work, if only for little segments. 

 

Writing is a muscle, and it gets stronger the more you do it. If you need a help with basics, plot-sh*t, character-sh*t, sh*t-sh*t, then I'm only a PM away.

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Failure
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#5

Posted 09 November 2014 - 12:51 AM

Thanks for the advice. The frustrating thing for me is that I tend to plot out my stories in my head when I'm out and about. I even go as far as to conjure up lines of prose at these times. However when it comes to actually writing anything I don't seem to get that far. More time spent writing will no doubt improve this situation as you say. 

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Ziggy455
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#6

Posted 09 November 2014 - 12:55 AM

Thanks for the advice. The frustrating thing for me is that I tend to plot out my stories in my head when I'm out and about. I even go as far as to conjure up lines of prose at these times. However when it comes to actually writing anything I don't seem to get that far. More time spent writing will no doubt improve this situation as you say. 

 

Oh I do the same all the time. I think of tidbits, atmosphere, style, chunks of dialogue, or what I want my characters to become, who they are etc, etc. When I get a chance, I pretty much just churn out a big chunk of my story and from that I begin to plot and create a certain path. That creativity of always thinking in your mind is good, because subconsciously, you'll implement that stuff into your work without realizing. I'd like to see some actual narrative work of yours in the future. I love GTA Fanfics as much as the next guy but it's good to see some people with real talent, with original content. 


Mokrie Dela
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#7

Posted 09 November 2014 - 08:58 AM

I am not a writer, except when I write - Juan carlos Onetti

Seems to be a lot of people in this 'not writing' boat. Ziggy's right though, writing does act like a muscle and you have to work it to improve it - even if it's writing absolute garbage. (I'm not referring to this piece btw). I found myself narrating a sorry-fied monologue of my life in my head at one point, just to get my brain thinking that way.

Lately though I've found the best place to write: at the gym. It's not that convenient but there's something in working out. Raising the heart rate, sweating, releasing endorphins, I don't know but I've written so many little passages in between reps. Perhaps setting aside time for an Intense run or if you have weights, working out then, while you've got your pump on, write - maybe that will help, I dunno.

Aside from that it's a real mental battle. You could set yourself an hour a day, set a daily alarm, shut yourself in a quiet room and write - something, anything. I've head the following suggestions:

Write a narrative of your day; write a letter to yourself; randomly pick a topic and write it...

This is what I love about the One Shots topic - a theme is set set you gotta pick it up and run with it. I also put upon myself a rule of not editing the one shot after I've written it - kind of brute forcing myself to write well; there is no redeeming proof read (although this should not be done with most works)
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