Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

Frey's Justice

10 replies to this topic
The Gardener
  • The Gardener

    jebeno isti

  • Members
  • Joined: 11 Jul 2012
  • None

#1

Posted 17 July 2014 - 10:35 PM Edited by The Gardener, 4 weeks ago.

This here is a 1,722 word medieval fantasy story. It's my first ever completed short story so I honestly don't know what to make of it. I've submitted it to a popular short-story publishing site today and awaiting a response. Is it one of them short stories that seems like it could fit well as a chapter or two in the middle of a novel?
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Frey
Frey Bethella sat on a small stool gazing blankly into space. The letter he had just read fell slowly from his grasp. He was in shock. There had been whispers and rumours among the other guards but Frey never believed it. Benson Foghearth, Captain of the Guard, was an honourable man Frey told himself. This couldnt be true. Surely Benson would never harm an innocent. Let alone newborn babies? He felt sick, wishing now he had returned the letter instead of letting his curiosity get the better of him.
 
Frey remained on the City wall of Malsor City on duty, confused and wondering. Hurt even. Ben wasnt just his captain but a friend. The hour finally came when Freys watch was over. The sun had departed and the moon introduced itself. Freys replacement, Liam, came up beside him. Frey didnt even notice. He was lost in his thoughts.
 
Liam stood there looking at Frey with a cheeky smile. Eventually he spoke.
 
"Frey," he said "Your watch is over. Ill take it from here."
 
Only then did Frey notice Liam. He looked up, trying to conceal his thoughts, but he knew his eyes gave something away.
 
"Are you alright Frey?" said Liam "You look like you've seen a ghost."
 
Frey stared at him for a moment before responding. Its nothing, Im just tired. he said silently.
 
"Go home to your wife and that little daughter of yours." said Liam.
 
Frey hoped up off the stool and hurried away frantically. Liam gave him a look of confusion.
 
Faster than he ever did before, Frey returned home. His home was tiny, it was only one room. It consisted of a large bed where he lay with his wife and a smaller one for his daughter. There was a small pot over a hearth where his wife cooked for her family. Lastly there was a small bath, large enough for only one adult.
 
Natalya, Frey's wife, was sitting up on her bed knitting. Frey's daughter Maria was his most prized possession. The eight year old was sleeping on her small bed, suckling her thumb as she always did with her year old puppy at her feet. Frey did not look at Natalya as he entered.
 
He rushed over to his sleeping daughter and kissed her on the forehead. "I love you." he whispered softly.
 
He turned to his wife. His face was that of a mad man. She was about to speak but Frey interrupted her.
 
"Liam is sick," he said "I have to cover his watch. I just came by to check on you"
 
Natalya frowned. "I was looking forward to your company." She said "Maria is a heavy sleeper; we could have had some fun." She said smiling.
 
"Another time." said Frey, fear still shrouding his face. Natalya didn't suspect a thing.
 
Natalya held up some small red gloves she had been knitting. "For Maria she said What do you-"
 
Frey interrupted her. "I'm sorry Nat," he said with despair. "Not now, I have to get back." Frey couldn't hold a stare into his wives face. He was growing nervous.
 
He burst through the door of his house out onto the street. The streets were empty. Only the sound of the light breeze on young birch trees made a noise. He felt the handle of his sword and gripped it tightly. I have to do this, he said quietly to himself with courage in his tone.
Frey marched through the narrow streets of Malsor City as fast and as natural as he could.
 
He stopped at a tall three story house and looked up. A window on the top floor shined with light. Frey knew that was the window of Benson's chambers. The front door of the building was unlocked. Frey quietly rose up the stairs step by step until he came to the third floor.
Standing at the door of Benson's chambers he stopped and gazed at the door, taking slow deep breaths. Courage finally possessed him and he knocked.
 
Benson answered wearing nothing but a silk blue robe lined with gold. His face all of a sudden seemed smug to Frey. Benson stood a few inches taller than Frey despite Benson being barefoot and Frey wearing his heeled iron boots.

 

Benson gave Frey a look of exasperation. "Frey," he said "What in the name of Aegius could you want me for at this hour?"
 
Frey gave him a bold stare. "I need a word captain. May I come in? Less ears the better."
 
"Come on in then." said Benson with a sigh.
 
Frey walked in and stood tall, taking a deep breath. When Benson closed the door and turned he was met with a bold gaze from Frey. Benson was about to say something but Frey interrupted.
 
"Is it true?" questioned Frey.
 
Benson tilted his head. "Is what true? Have you been drinking again?"
 
"You know what." said Frey with a raised voice. He began to somewhat shake with nerves.
 
"I do not have time for this nonsense." said Benson.
 
"The babies." said Frey, his voice clear and bold.
 
Benson's eyes widened, shocked.  "Where did you hear this?" he said, his tone was now one of fear.
 
"One of the counsels came by the cities front gate earlier, began Frey He was looking for you. He had a whole bag full of letters. This one must have fallen out. I was going to have it returned but I couldn't help but read it. I wish I hadn't now."
A lone tear fell from Frey's eyes. He continued. "How could you do such a thing. Having newborn babies taken from their mothers and put down."
 
Benson spoke up. "Their lives would have been suffering. There is not enough food in all of Arathorn too feed so many babies. The homeless and lowborn breed like f*cking rabbits in this city, it was becoming a problem. The king ordered-"
 
Frey stopped him; his voice was filled with anger. "Auroch-sh*t too that. f*ck the king. This is nothing but sick murder. My sisters baby was taken from her last month and killed. I know for a fact that she was well capable of raising that baby." Frey's heart was drowned in passion and anger.
 
Benson did not have a response.
 
Frey began the speech of arrest. "Ben Foghearth, Captain of the Guard of Malsor City. In the name of the King I am placing you under arrest for crimes against the people of Malsor."
 
Frey pulled a pair of iron handcuffs from his belt and shoved Benson face first against the door. He gathered Benson's hands and began placing the iron handcuffs around his wrists.
 
"You don't know what you're getting yourself into Frey," said Benson "You're an idiot. The killings were ordered by the king. Anyone who is important in this city knows all about it."
 
Frey turned Benson around and gave him a look of fury. The door Benson had his back up against suddenly smashed open, knocking him onto the ground hard. Three armed men entered the room. They were not guards, but knights, their faces concealed behind mighty plate helms. They each wielded huge shining, double-edged swords gripped tightly in both hands.
 
"About bloody time," moaned a bruised Benson. "Kill him, he knows everything. If this gets out well have a bloody riot on our hands."
 
Frey drew his long sword. It was dwarfed by the monsters the knights held. One of the knights stepped towards Frey and raised his sword before slamming it down. Frey stepped to a side dodging the blow. He raised his sword and struck down on the back of the knights neck. Blood sprayed out like a wild geyser and the knight fell flat on his face, dead.
 
A second knight came running at Frey, but this one was better prepared. Frey and the knight traded parry after parry. The knights sword was larger, lighter and unfortunately for Frey, the man using it clearly a better fighter. With a final heavy clash of steel, Freys sword was knocked from his hands. Now unarmed, the knight stalked Frey while the third knight watched on and Benson remained lying on the ground watching.
 
The knight finally raised his sword and brought it down, but Frey had stepped under it. The knight turned and growled before nodding at something over Frey's shoulder. The third knight stuck his double-edged sword through Frey's back. The knight twisted and shoved it further in before it burst out though his stomach. Blood filled Frey's mouth, but he did not make a sound. The knight withdrew his sword and with that Frey fell forward on his face, dead.
 
"Get the bodies out of here," howled Benson at the two remaining knights. "We'll have to cover this up."
 
Maria
 
The sun rose bright in the morning, not a cloud to be seen. Maria sat up in her bed sucking on her thumb. Sandor, her puppy lay asleep at her feet. She looked over at the bed where she would see her mother and father sleeping each morning. Her mother slept soundly, a pair of red gloves by her side. Her father was not there this morning.
 
A loud banging could be heard on the front door. Natalya sat up startled. She put on one of the robes she had knitted herself and walked over to the door. "Go back to sleep." she told Maria.
 
Natalya stepped outside. Maria could hear her mother talk to a man. Through the closed door she could only make out grumbling. A few minutes passed before Natalya returned. Tears filled her eyes but she did not cry. She looked over at Maria. Natalyas eyes told a story. She walked over to Maria and lay down on her bed which was far too small for the pair of them. After embracing Maria with a long kiss on the forehead she looked into her eyes.
 
"Fathers dead." said Natalya as she broke out in a gentle cry. "There was a fire during the night. Your daddy saved many people. He was brave. But the fire got him."
 
They sat on the tiny bed, hugging and crying together for a sad hour. Eventually Natalya stood up and spoke. "Get dressed honey. Well go to the House of Aegius and say a prayer."

  • Failure likes this

Failure
  • Failure

    My life has no meaning

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 11 Apr 2007
  • None

#2

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by Failure, 4 weeks ago.

Firstly, let me say well done on a very competent first attempt at writing a short story. That you managed to finish it is impressive (I don't mean that as a personal attack, just that finishing stories is notoriously difficult for most people. I have many uncompleted stories; some are unfinished whilst others remain in my mind).

 

I've quoted your post and will add any amendments therein. At the end I'll give my conclusive thoughts. 

 

 

 



This here is a 1,722 word medieval fantasy story. It's my first ever completed short story so I honestly don't know what to make of it. I've submitted it to a popular short-story publishing site today and awaiting a response. Is it one of them short stories that seems like it could fit well as a chapter or two in the middle of a novel?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Frey

Frey Bethella sat on a small stool gazing blankly into space. The letter he had just read fell slowly from his grasp. He was in shock. There had been whispers and rumours among the other guards but Frey [had] never believed it. Benson Foghearth, Captain of the Guard, was an honourable man[,or so] Frey told himself . This couldn’t be true. Surely Benson would never harm an innocent, let alone newborn babies? He felt sick, wishing now that he had returned the letter instead of letting his curiosity get the better of him. [I like the opening. You've introduced the protagonist, antagonist and driving force of the story in three lines. Succinct and makes me want to read more]

 

Frey remained on the City wall of Malsor City on duty, confused and wondering--hurt even.  Ben wasn't just his captain but a friend. The hour finally came when Frey’s watch was over. The sun had departed and the moon introduced itself. Frey’s replacement, Liam, came up beside him. Frey didn't even notice. He was lost in his thoughts. [I like the pathetic fallacy regarding the sun and the moon. It makes it clear that great change will befall Frey soon. I'm torn about whether more description would help build up this part. Then again, I like the elegance of the story and wouldn't want to spoil its homogeneity].

 

Liam stood there looking at Frey with a cheeky smile. Eventually he spoke.

 

“Frey,” he said, “your watch is over. I’ll take it from here.” 

 

Only then did Frey notice Liam. He looked up, trying to conceal his thoughts, but he knew his eyes gave something away.

 

“Are you alright Frey?” said Liam “You look like you've seen a ghost.”

 

Frey stared at him for a moment before responding. “It’s nothing, I’m just tired.” he said silently. [I like how you describe Frey's shock. It's not easy to describe something like this without overdoing it].

 

“Go home to your wife and that little daughter of yours.” said Liam.

 

Frey hoped up off the stool and walked away frantically [Maybe some better phrasing here? Just a difference in taste, but maybe "hurried away" would work better (not sure how you'd "walk frantically". Maybe this is just me]. Liam gave him a look of confusion.

 

Faster than he ever had before, Frey returned home. His home was tiny (it was only one room, in truth). It consisted of a large bed where he lay with his wife and a smaller one for his daughter. There was a small pot over a hearth where his wife cooked for her [Their? Again, this might just be me, but since it's from his POV, I'd use "their"] family. Lastly there was a small bath, large enough for only one adult.

 

Natalya, Frey’s wife, was sitting up on her bed knitting. Frey’s daughter Maria was his most prized possession. The eight year old was sleeping on her small bed, suckling her thumb as she always did with her year old puppy at her feet. Frey did not look at Natalya as he entered.

 

He rushed over to his sleeping daughter and kissed her on the forehead. “I love you” he whispered softly.

 

He turned to his wife. His face was that of a mad man. She was about to speak but Frey interrupted her.

 

“Liam is sick,” he said “I have to cover his watch. I just came by to check on you"

 

Natalya frowned. “I was looking forward to your company.” She said “Maria is a heavy sleeper; we could have had some fun.” She said smiling.

 

“Another time.” said Frey, fear still shrouding his face. Natalya didn’t suspect a thing.

 

Natalya held up some small red gloves she had been knitting. “For Maria” she said “What do you-”

 

Frey interrupted her. “I’m sorry Nat,” he said with despair “Not now, I have to get back.” Frey couldn't hold a stare at his wives face. He was growing nervous. [This is a good scene. It reveals a lot about Liam. That he doesn't give his family (in particular his wife) a proper goodbye supplements the tragedy of the piece]. 

 

He burst through the door of his house out onto the street. The streets were empty. Only the sound of the light breeze on young birch trees made a noise. He felt the handle of his sword and gripped it tightly. “I have to do this,” he said quietly to himself with courage in his tone.

Frey marched through the narrow streets of Malsor City as quickly and as naturally as he could.

 

He stopped at a tall, three-storey [I think this is the spelling. Don't take my word for it though] house and looked up. A window on the top floor shined shone with light. Frey knew that was the window of Benson’s chambers. The front door of the building was unlocked. Frey quietly rose up the stairs step by step until he came to the third floor.

Standing at the door of Benson’s chambers he stopped and gazed at the door, taking slow deep breaths. Courage finally possessed him and he knocked. [Given that the next scene is so pivotal, maybe a little more suspense wouldn't go amiss here. This might just be a question of style, though. I like how you really hammer home Frey's conviction but still allow his "everyman" nature to shine through]

 

Benson answered wearing nothing but a silk blue robe lined with gold. His face all of a sudden seemed smug to Frey. Even barefoot Benson stood a few inches taller than Frey in his heeled iron boots [I think that this flows a little better, but that's just my opinion]. Benson gave Frey a look of exasperation.

 

“Frey,” he said “What in the name of Aegius could you want of me at this hour?”

 

Frey gave him a bold stare. “I need a word captain. May I come in? Less ears the better.”

 

“Come on in then.” said Benson with a sigh.

 

Frey walked in and stood tall, taking a deep breath. When Benson closed the door and turned he was met with a bold gaze from Frey. Benson was about to say something but Frey interrupted.

 

“Is it true” questioned Frey.

 

Benson tilted his head “Is what true? Have you been drinking again?”

 

“You know what.” said Frey with a raised voice. He began to somewhat shake with nerves.

 

“I do not have time for this nonsense.” said Benson.

 

“The babies.” said Frey, his voice clear and bold.

 

Benson’s eyes widened, shocked.  “Where did you hear this from?” he said, his tone was now one of fear.

 

“One of the counsels came by the cities front gate earlier,” began Frey “He was looking for you. He had a whole bag full of letters. This one must have fallen out. I was going to have it returned but I couldn't help but read it. I wish I hadn't now.”

A lone tear fell from Frey’s eyes [This is consistent with everything about Frey--it exemplifies his nature: a steely resolve tempered with compassion]. He continued. “How could you do such a thing. Having newborn babies taken from their mothers and put down.”

 

Benson spoke up. “They would have lived in suffering. There is simply not enough food in all of Arathorn to feed so many babies. The homeless and lowborn breed like f*cking rabbits in this city. it was becoming a problem. The king ordered-“

 

Frey stopped him; his voice was filled with anger. “Auroch-sh*t to that. f*ck the king. This is nothing but sick murder. My sister’s baby was taken from her last month and killed. I know for a horse-f*cking fact that my sister was well capable of raising that baby.” Frey’s heart was drowned in passion and anger.

 

Benson did not have a response.

 

Frey began the speech of arrest. “Ben Foghearth, Captain of the Guard of Malsor City. In the name of the King I am placing you under arrest for crimes against the people of Malsor.”

 

Frey pulled a pair of iron handcuffs from his belt and shoved Benson face first against the door. He gathered Benson’s hands and began to place iron handcuffs around his wrists.

 

“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, Frey,” said Benson. “You’re an idiot. The killings were ordered by the king. Anyone who’s important in this city knows all about it.”

 

Frey turned Benson around and gave him a look of fury. The door Benson had his back up against suddenly burst open, knocking him onto the ground hard. Three armed men entered the room. They were not guards, but knights, their faces concealed behind mighty plate helms. They each wielded huge, shining, double-edged swords [Claymores, or greatswords?] gripped tightly in both hands .

 

“About bloody time,” moaned a bruised Benson. “Kill him, he knows everything. If this gets out we’ll have a bloody riot on our hands.”

 

Frey drew his long sword. It was dwarfed by the monsters the knights held. One of the knights stepped towards Frey and raised his sword before slamming it down. Frey stepped to a side, thus dodging the blow. He raised his sword and struck down on the back of the knight’s neck and blood sprayed out like water gushing forth from a wild geyser [Nice visual metaphor here. Action scenes are a bitch to write, but you've managed this admirably] The knight fell flat on his face, dead. 

 

A second knight came running at Frey, but this one was better prepared. Frey and the knight traded parry after parry. The knight’s sword was larger, lighter and, unfortunately for Frey, the man using it was clearly a better fighter. With a final heavy clash of steel, Frey’s sword was knocked from his hands. Now unarmed, the knight stalked Frey while the third knight watched the spectacle unfold. Benson remained on the ground, watching.

 

The knight finally raised his sword and brought it down, but Frey had stepped under it. The knight turned and growled before nodding at something over Frey’s shoulder. The third knight stuck his double-edged sword through Frey’s back [Good detail--keeps the action exciting and original]. The knight twisted and shoved it further in before it burst out though Frey's  stomach. Blood filled Frey’s mouth, but he did not make a sound. The knight withdrew his sword and with that Frey fell forward onto his face, dead. 

 

“Get the bodies out of here,” howled Benson at the two remaining knights. “We’ll have to cover this up.”

 

Maria

 

The sun rose bright in the morning; there was not a cloud to be seen. Maria sat up in her bed sucking on her thumb. Sandor, her puppy [Made my day] lay asleep at her feet. She looked over at the bed where she would see her mother and father sleeping each morning. Her mother slept soundly, a pair of red gloves by her side. Her father was not there this morning.

 

A loud banging could be heard on the front door. Natalya sat up, startled. She put on one of the robes she had knitted herself and walked over to the door. “Go back to sleep”, she told Maria.

 

Natalya stepped outside. Maria could hear her mother talk to a man. Through the closed door she could only make out grumbling. A few minutes passed before Natalya returned. Tears filled her eyes but she did not cry. She looked over at Maria. Natalya’s eyes told a story [Great phrasing. Elegant, and expresses how difficult death is for children to understand. Don't change this bit]. She walked over to Maria and lay down on her bed--which was much too small for the both of them. Natalya embraced Maria fiercely and kissed her on the forehead. Then she looked into her eyes.

 

“Fathers dead.” said Natalya as she broke out in a gentle cry. “There was a fire during the night. Your daddy saved many people. He was brave, but the fire got him.”

 

They sat on the tiny bed, hugging and crying together for a sad hour. Eventually Natalya stood up and spoke. “Get dressed honey. We’ll go to the House of Aegius and say a prayer.” [The resilience of your "common born" characters shines through once more. Good consistency].

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've made grammatical amendments wherever I've seen fit. Some of these are clear cut, but some are stylistic choices (some more proof reading on your part would've helped, but I know how eager one can be to post a newly-written story).

 

Ultimately, I like the story. Rather than get bogged down in the minutae or let your work become too verbose (as many people do when writing short stories--myself included), you've produced an elegant story with a clear protagonist, antagonist and narrative structure. As such, you've definitely got the mechanics in place to produce more stories. Your writing flows well but there were a few SPAG glitches in places (I don't fault you at all for this. My punctuation is hideous and my grammar's not much better--I work with numbers and write little, go figure. It seems that they just don't teach English language that well in schools). 

 

 

I like the depth with which you've endowed Frey. He's a humble, unassuming everyman, but, unlike so many others, he truly has it in him to do what's right. He's got fortitude and conviction, but is compassionate too. What matters about all this is that you've managed to make these qualities present themselves naturally throughout the story and without contradiction (I'm no writer, but I think that this is one of the key points to writing characters well). The other characters are well written too--I like the synergy between Natalya's strength and her maternal compassion. The final part (entitled "Maria") was probably the best thing about the story. It captures the innocence of childhood well and flows perfectly.

 

 

 

Anyway, I hope to read more from you soon. 

  • Ziggy455, Mokrie Dela and The Gardener like this

The Gardener
  • The Gardener

    jebeno isti

  • Members
  • Joined: 11 Jul 2012
  • None

#3

Posted 4 weeks ago

 

 

 

I am truly gracious for your input/review; Its the first I've ever received and I am glad that it's a positive one.

 

I understand well that my grammar, punctuation and writing style may have faults and this is something I'm confident will improve over time. As I said this the first short story I've completed and I was never any good at literature in school. 

 

For me, the number one thing in in story-telling is having great characters. It comes before plot and style for me. The same goes for life in general.

 

I have many more ideas for short stories, all of which take place within the same world as this story. (They're all medieval fantasy)

 

And did you really get that Sandor Easter egg? If so I'm delighted. I'll admit I'm not much of a reader but a Song of Ice and Fire really does amaze me.


Secura
  • Secura

    Fallen and Reborn

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 04 Dec 2010
  • United-Kingdom
  • Discussion Award [Gaming]
    Literary Prowess [General Chat]

#4

Posted 4 weeks ago

I have to wonder whether or not the name Frey is an Easter Egg in and of itself.


Failure
  • Failure

    My life has no meaning

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 11 Apr 2007
  • None

#5

Posted 4 weeks ago

 
And did you really get that Sandor Easter egg? If so I'm delighted. I'll admit I'm not much of a reader but a Song of Ice and Fire really does amaze me.

The Sandor Easter egg was what I was referring to. GRRM has many references to other works in his books, so he'd probably approve.

ASoIaF is a great series, I agree.

The Gardener
  • The Gardener

    jebeno isti

  • Members
  • Joined: 11 Jul 2012
  • None

#6

Posted 4 weeks ago

I have to wonder whether or not the name Frey is an Easter Egg in and of itself.

It's used as a first name here so surely you can let me away with it? :D I have habit of giving my main characters surnames as first names for some reason.

  • Secura likes this

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    I'm the writer.

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 May 2007
  • United-Kingdom
  • Contribution Award [Expression]

#7

Posted 4 weeks ago

I'm renowned for giving some half-decent feedback. I will actually break this down once I've had some shuteye. 

 

Welcome to WD. We're all mad here. 

 

Not really.

 

But seriously.

 

Really.

  • Mokrie Dela and The Gardener like this

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    I'm the writer.

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 May 2007
  • United-Kingdom
  • Contribution Award [Expression]

#8

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by Ziggy455, 4 weeks ago.

EDIT: I apologize for the double-post.

 

Welcome to Writers’ Discussion. I’m Ziggy, and I’m an alcoholic. When critiquing I like to give two forms of feedback, story and form. I’ll talk about your story and then we’ll dive into your writing itself. So let’s begin with the story and such:

 

You say this is a short story, and while there is an obvious resolution, there is so much more to be desired. Why were the children really being killed? What is this conspiracy? The action happens, and it’s powerful because Frey comes off as a real person, he is conflicted but straight-drove. He wants what is right, and suffers for it. The key word being conflict, we’re seeing the pain of it; internal and external. Frey doesn’t want to arrest his best friend, because he believes that it isn’t true. But his value of morals is greater than his friendship, and so he is willing to fight for it.

 

The story makes me want to read more. Benson’s got away with the murder, and we’re still dealing with the sh*t from Frey’s death. It’s a brilliant setup, story-wise. There’s much that can stem from this.

 

On a related note, I realized there was a lot of atmosphere quite close to GRRM’s Game of Throne series but I got more of a Eastern feel, as if the city was set in a desert at dusk, but I don’t know, that’s just me.

 

The story works as a whole though; you’ve set character, conflict, and resolution within two thousand words so it would definitely work. I feel like there’s more to come though, and as a short story, it would leave so much more to want to happen. A much greater resolution would need to be given for it to leave a more powerful end.

 

FORM

 

Form-wise there’s a few things I’ve noticed which I’ll address here.

 

Your lack of speechmarks, makes things a little harder to distinguish as to who is actually talking. When using speech within text, make sure to use quotation marks like so. Below I’ve edited some of your first conversation with proper use of them:

 

Liam stood there looking at Frey with a cheeky smile. Eventually he spoke.

 

“Frey,” he said, “your watch is over. I’ll take it from here.”

 

Only then did Frey notice Liam. He looked up, trying to conceal his thoughts, but he knew his eyes gave something away.

 

“Are you alright, Frey?” said Liam. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

 

It allows the reader to differentiate action and dialogue.

 

Also, don’t forget that you use apostrophes with you’re.

 

Repetition is another thing I see, like mostly names which makes the text come off blocky and it also stunts the flow. We get Benson did this and Benson then did that, then Benson moves, and Frey talks and Frey attacks Benson, and Benson falls.

 

Look over the story and think about how you can cut down the names, and repetition of certain words as it can kill the flow for your readers.

 

Besides these obvious things, the story and form is okay, and I’d definitely be up for reading more.


The Gardener
  • The Gardener

    jebeno isti

  • Members
  • Joined: 11 Jul 2012
  • None

#9

Posted 4 weeks ago

EDIT: I apologize for the double-post.

 

Welcome to Writers’ Discussion. I’m Ziggy, and I’m an alcoholic. When critiquing I like to give two forms of feedback, story and form. I’ll talk about your story and then we’ll dive into your writing itself. So let’s begin with the story and such:

 

You say this is a short story, and while there is an obvious resolution, there is so much more to be desired. Why were the children really being killed? What is this conspiracy? The action happens, and it’s powerful because Frey comes off as a real person, he is conflicted but straight-drove. He wants what is right, and suffers for it. The key word being conflict, we’re seeing the pain of it; internal and external. Frey doesn’t want to arrest his best friend, because he believes that it isn’t true. But his value of morals is greater than his friendship, and so he is willing to fight for it.

 

The story makes me want to read more. Benson’s got away with the murder, and we’re still dealing with the sh*t from Frey’s death. It’s a brilliant setup, story-wise. There’s much that can stem from this.

 

On a related note, I realized there was a lot of atmosphere quite close to GRRM’s Game of Throne series but I got more of a Eastern feel, as if the city was set in a desert at dusk, but I don’t know, that’s just me.

 

The story works as a whole though; you’ve set character, conflict, and resolution within two thousand words so it would definitely work. I feel like there’s more to come though, and as a short story, it would leave so much more to want to happen. A much greater resolution would need to be given for it to leave a more powerful end.

 

FORM

 

Form-wise there’s a few things I’ve noticed which I’ll address here.

 

Your lack of speechmarks, makes things a little harder to distinguish as to who is actually talking. When using speech within text, make sure to use quotation marks like so. Below I’ve edited some of your first conversation with proper use of them:

 

Liam stood there looking at Frey with a cheeky smile. Eventually he spoke.

 

“Frey,” he said, “your watch is over. I’ll take it from here.”

 

Only then did Frey notice Liam. He looked up, trying to conceal his thoughts, but he knew his eyes gave something away.

 

“Are you alright, Frey?” said Liam. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

 

It allows the reader to differentiate action and dialogue.

 

Also, don’t forget that you use apostrophes with you’re.

 

Repetition is another thing I see, like mostly names which makes the text come off blocky and it also stunts the flow. We get Benson did this and Benson then did that, then Benson moves, and Frey talks and Frey attacks Benson, and Benson falls.

 

Look over the story and think about how you can cut down the names, and repetition of certain words as it can kill the flow for your readers.

 

Besides these obvious things, the story and form is okay, and I’d definitely be up for reading more.

Thanks for the honest input and I agree with you on nearly everything you've said. Repetition is something important I should work on. Also describing scenery and setting could do with me more practice. The City in this story is supposed to be based on any generic medieval fantasy capital, think King's Landing and Minas Tirith. But I didn't do well to let the reader know.

 

The thing about the speech marks, that's a misunderstanding. I actually did use them but for some reason they don't show up in the OP. I copied and pasted the story from word. In word it has all the speech marks, I'll try sort that out.

 

I definitely plan on writing more. I have a few ideas. A follow up on this story is a possibility. 


Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#10

Posted 4 weeks ago

Copy and pasting from word can be disobesdiant at times. I've found that  you still have to read through it all when it's in the GTAF window, and I've also seen that in the process of copying and pasting, it can lose the paragraph breaks - i've had to edit a post and re-insert them all. Be on your toes.


The Gardener
  • The Gardener

    jebeno isti

  • Members
  • Joined: 11 Jul 2012
  • None

#11

Posted 3 days ago

This piece was recently published on a small short story website. http://www.short-sto...ys-justice.html

 

Nearly 1,000 people have viewed it so I'm happy with that. I've looked back over the story and honestly didn't expect it to get accepted. The story is missing so much and the website it's published on is must be really short on writers if this was chosen.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users