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The California Crew [Script]

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Xl anthrax lX
  • Xl anthrax lX

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#1

Posted 18 June 2014 - 02:03 AM Edited by Xl anthrax lX, A week ago.

This will be my script for a movie I'm making called "The California Crew". I will post only scene one for now. More will come soon. Please post feedback

 

EDIT: I have revised both scenes one and two. Here are the results. I will post more scenes as I make progress.

 

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT


A car slowly makes its way into a vacant lot. It stops in a parking space and stays running for a few seconds before it is killed. JACK, 20, slim with Parted  black hair sits in the passenger seat. TINO, 32, large and built sits behind the wheel. Jack takes a beretta 9mm. pistol from the glove box and screws a silencer on to the barrel. Tino looks to Jack.

©TINO

It’s gotta be done Jacky boy. Orders came straight down. You can do this no sweat. Ya hear me?


JACK

Yea…… I know.

They both proceed to get out of the car. Jack lifts his jacket in the back to slip the pistol in his waist band. They begin to make their way to the middle of the lot where they see JIMMY, 27, heavy set with slicked back hair leaning over the trunk of his car snorting what they assume to be cocaine. He turns and wipes his nose, greeting them with a quiet sort of yell.

JIMMY

Ay! There they are! Whats goin on Jack?! Tino!

Jack shakes Jimmys cocaine covered hand as Jimmy at the same time looks over and nods at Tino with a smile.

JACK

Oh ya know its the same old. Work like a dog and live like the average.

Tino pats Jimmy on the back and grips his shoulder giving it a reassuring friendly shake while smiling at Jimmy.

JIMMY

Good good. So whats the latest boss man?

Jimmy is noticeably jittery.

TINO

Well it just so happens that things are looking pretty good for you.

JACK

(Nodding)

Yea you’re in a good spot right now Jimmy.

TINO

(Nodding in agreement)

As a matter of fact we brought something for you. It’s in the trunk.

Jimmy

(Smiling with excitement)

Oh really? Is that so?

Jack thinks that Jimmy is nervous so he keeps his hands behind his back in case Jimmy tries to run.

JACK

(Nodding with a wink)

Yea come take a look see huh Jim.

JIMMY

(Smiling with excitement)

I can’t thank you guys enough for the things you’ve done for me. Really I can’t.

They all make there way to Jack and Tinos car. Jimmy completely unaware of what’s going on, Jack and Tino making sure he is as comfortable as possible so as to not alert him. A train can be heard in the distance as they make their way to the trunk. Jack looks to Jimmy with a friendly grin.

JACK

(Pointing to Jimmy)

You’re gonna love this Jimmy I know it.

Jimmy chuckles lightly

TINO

Go ahead take a look!

JIMMY

You two are gonna be the death of me I swear! This suspense is killer!

Jimmy opens the trunk and looks in only to find a recorder and a dead canary. He is confused and frightened.

JIMMY

What the f*ck?

JACK

Here you go you rat!

Blood covers the back of the trunk and gets on Tinos suit. Tino smiles as Jimmy falls lifelessly forward, the front half of his body in the trunk and the other half sitting on the pavement. Jack fires two more shots into the back of each of Jimmy’s ears to make sure the job is finished.

 

                                           END

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT


Jack and Tino have just killed Jimmy and they are trying to wrap his body with a big rug and duct tape so they can dispose of it. Tino has just laid the carpet on the pavement before Jimmy’s body.


©TINO

Ok lets get this canary wrapped up.

Tino would seem unphased and quite comfortable with the situation as he puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.

JACK

Yea…

Jack and Tino grab Jimmy’s body and crudely drop it onto the rug making a muffled thud as Jimmy’s lifeless head rolls from left to right.

TINO

Heavy motherf*cker he is…

JACK

Yea you got that right.

Jack and Tino would roll the carpet wrapping Jimmy’s body with it and finishing by duct taping each end. They lift his body into the trunk struggling but getting it done. Tino firmly closes the trunk and looks to Jack.

TINO

Ight now lets take out the garbage.

Jack and Tino get into the car and drive to a cliff over looking the ocean. They each step out of the car and start towards the trunk. Tino notices that Jack looks disturbed.

TINO

No sweat Jacky boy the first one always gets to you. Next one will be easier.

JACK

Lets take care of this before we think about the next one eh?

TINO

Cheers to that.

Jack and Tino would lift Jimmy’s body and carry it to the edge of the cliff sitting it down just before the drop off. They then roll it off with their feet.

TINO

Bye bye Jimmy.

                                            END


Ziggy455
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#2

Posted 01 July 2014 - 04:57 AM Edited by Ziggy455, 01 July 2014 - 05:04 AM.

Ah, a script. Not bad. I’ll throw in my two cents. The more you stick about, the more you’ll learn. My criticism comes in the form of STORY/STORY FORM. I’ll talk to you about the story, the character, etc etc. And then I’ll discuss format, presentation, and the writing aspect. So let’s begin!
 
STORY
 
There’s not really much here in the way of story. There’s a mafia-hit, and then we meet some characters. Alright, there’s some action but it doesn’t have much. There’s no shown dynamic between characters or insight to whom they are as people, no evidential examples of plot. You’ve got Jack who I’m assuming is our protagonist and a few other characters. I’d need to see more to give you more.
 
STORY FORM
 
You’re writing a script, but you’re not doing it properly right now. You have a very odd style, and it’s not necessarily wrong, just—primitive. Also, I notice you’ve made a few mistakes generally so let me help:
 
1.     It’s, is short, for it is. Not its.
2.     There’s, is short for there is. Not theres.
3.      New Courier is the font for screenplays.
 
Format is key when it comes to screenplays, so I’ll help you with this. A screenplay is comprised of many things, including dialogue, action, and character. But the way you’ve presented it seems tacky.
 
Names and dialogue should be centered on a script.
Action should be on its own.
 
Tino:(Shakes Jimmys hand nodding his head.)
 
This is not how a screenplay is formatted. Below I’ll show you my re-format of one of your scenes, and from there, I’ll explain each point.
 
Also, this?
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don’t you ever do this again, ever. I swear.
 
Below is scene one, formatted like a real script. I will explain each change afterwards. I’ll add in some of my style, for effect and examples too.

(A)EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
 
(B)A car drifts into the parking lot. It comes to a halt. Inside, JACK, 20, sits in the passenger side. TINO, 45, large and with thinning hair on his head, sits in the driver’s seat. Jack pulls out his 9MM Colt 45. He looks downtrodden as he begins screwing a silencer onto it. Tino looks to Jack.
 
©TINO
It’s gotta be done, Jacky—you can do it, no sweat, yeah?
 
JACK
Yeah, I know…
 
Jack and Tino get out the car. Jack slips the silenced pistol into the waist of his jeans. Both of them stroll across the vacant lot. They notice JIMMY, 34, thin and gaunt with an Italian slickback, leaning over his bonnet, snorting most likely cocaine. He snorts and turns with a cheerful yell.
 
Jimmy
Eh! There he is! Howzit, Jacky Boy? Tino?
 
Tino shakes Jimmy’s coke-powdered hand. Jack taps him on the shoulder.
 
Jack
Doin’ good—Doin’ good.
 
Jimmy pats Jack back playfully.
 
Jimmy
So what’s the word, big man?
 
Jack
Pretty slick for you, considerin’.
 
Tino
(Nodding)
Yeah, you’re definitely in a good spot.
 
Jack
(Nodding along)
Yeah,  in fact we put sommat together—to celebrate the occasion, y’know?
 
Jack doesn’t want to tense up. Jimmy looks like he’s thinking something over. Does he know it’s a done deal? Maybe he knows it all.
 
Jimmy
(Smiling)
Is that so? Well—Gee, sh*t, man. Let’s see what it is!
 
Jack turns with Tino, he nods his head back to their car with a smile.
 
Jack
S’in the car.
 
They all walk over back to the car like old friends, nudging and laughing as they do. Jack keeps his hand close to the pistol. Tino keeps laughing, prodding and keeping Jimmy busy. Distant sirens echo away. They walk to the trunk. Jack taps the trunk lightly with a smile.
 
Jack
(Winking)
Wait til you see what’s inside!
 
Jimmy laughs.
 
Jimmy
(Rubbing his hands excitedly)
Aww, the suspense is killin’ me!
 
Jimmy opens the trunk quickly. He peeks in, and looks confused. The trunk is empty except for a large dirty rag. He looks to Tino.
 
Tino
Yo man—
 
Blood sprays over Tino as the bullet flies from the Colt 45, firmly tightened in Jacky Boy’s gloved hand. Tino recoils from the spray, with yells. He spits on the floor as Jimmy’s limp body lands with a sickening crack. He is dead, his eyes looking upwards as if to accuse Jack. He aims the pistol and fires two more rounds, just to make sure.
 
(D)END

 

 
 
(A) This is what we like to call the slug-line, and it sets the scene. It is comprised of three things. 1, is it set inside and INTerior? (INT) or outside? An EXTerior (EXT).
 
WHERE is the scene set? We’ve set it in a Parking Lot.
 
Finally, what time of day is it? It’s night! Hence. EXT. Parking Lot – Night
 
These must be the FIRST line of ANY scene.
 
(B) Actions lines! These are descriptive paragraphs that explain action unfolding. Never use somebody’s name and replace dialogue with parentheticals to show action. It is wrong. It is also tacky.
 
© Dialogue! It’s in the centre! Names and talking are in the middle, action to the side. This is simple, and keeps the formatting clear and concise!
 
(D) END means END OF SCENE. You can end it with any kind of end you want, like CUT, FADE, FLASH, WIPE Etc, etc.
 
ALSO! Key tip: Never mention the word camera when relaying how you want a scene to look e.g. The camera pans over the Cliffside to show the steep fall. Leave those kind of shots out!
 
Look over what I’ve shown you for now, and get back to me.
 
Ziggy.
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Bandalamente
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#3

Posted 05 August 2014 - 03:00 PM

So yeah, wow. Learnt something today, nice one Ziggy. 

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Pacificruz
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#4

Posted 18 August 2014 - 01:07 AM

Wow indeed! Perfect example of constructive criticism. Probably the first on these forums.

Mokrie Dela
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#5

Posted 18 August 2014 - 10:06 AM

Wow indeed! Perfect example of constructive criticism. Probably the first on these forums.

Not at all. You'll find a lot of such in this section. We're not spammers or GTA Online kids. We have brains and will use them. Ziggy goes into superb depth with his feedback (as do a few others). If you're into writing, stick around because you won't find much mindless meme replies here (and I certainly won't tolerate such a thing here :p)

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Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

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#6

Posted 18 August 2014 - 03:04 PM

mentors-dodgeball-590x350.jpg

I'm Ziggy O'Houlihan...I'm your new coach. 

 

 

On topic, yes, we like to go in-depth with the feedback. It means you take away a lot more then you came in with. It's what makes WD the small, tight-knight community it always has been, and probably will be for some time more. 

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Xl anthrax lX
  • Xl anthrax lX

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#7

Posted A week ago Edited by Xl anthrax lX, A week ago.

I revised scene one to meet the criteria which you posted above. Here is the result.

 

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

A car slowly makes its way into a vacant lot. It stops in a parking space and stays running for a few seconds before it is killed. JACK, 20, slim with Parted  black hair sits in the passenger seat. TINO, 32, large and built sits behind the wheel. Jack takes a beretta 9mm. pistol from the glove box and screws a silencer on to the barrel. Tino looks to Jack.

©TINO

It’s gotta be done Jacky boy. Orders came straight down. You can do this no sweat. Ya hear me?


JACK

Yea…… I know.

They both proceed to get out of the car. Jack lifts his jacket in the back to slip the pistol in his waist band. They begin to make their way to the middle of the lot where they see JIMMY, 27, heavy set with slicked back hair leaning over the trunk of his car snorting what they assume to be cocaine. He turns and wipes his nose, greeting them with a quiet sort of yell.

JIMMY

Ay! There they are! Whats goin on Jack?! Tino!

Jack shakes Jimmys cocaine covered hand as Jimmy at the same time looks over and nods at Tino with a smile.

JACK

Oh ya know its the same old. Work like a dog and live like the average.

Tino pats Jimmy on the back and grips his shoulder giving it a reassuring friendly shake while smiling at Jimmy.

JIMMY

Good good. So whats the latest boss man?

Jimmy is noticeably jittery.

TINO

Well it just so happens that things are looking pretty good for you.

JACK

(Nodding)

Yea you’re in a good spot right now Jimmy.

TINO

(Nodding in agreement)

As a matter of fact we brought something for you. It’s in the trunk.

Jimmy

(Smiling with excitement)

Oh really? Is that so?

Jack thinks that Jimmy is nervous so he keeps his hands behind his back in case Jimmy tries to run.

JACK

(Nodding with a wink)

Yea come take a look see huh Jim.

JIMMY

(Smiling with excitement)

I can’t thank you guys enough for the things you’ve done for me. Really I can’t.

They all make there way to Jack and Tinos car. Jimmy completely unaware of what’s going on, Jack and Tino making sure he is as comfortable as possible so as to not alert him. A train can be heard in the distance as they make their way to the trunk. Jack looks to Jimmy with a friendly grin.

JACK

(Pointing to Jimmy)

You’re gonna love this Jimmy I know it.

Jimmy chuckles lightly

TINO

Go ahead take a look!

JIMMY

You two are gonna be the death of me I swear! This suspense is killer!

Jimmy opens the trunk and looks in only to find a recorder and a dead canary. He is confused and frightened.

JIMMY

What the f*ck?

JACK

Here you go you rat!

Blood covers the back of the trunk and gets on Tinos suit. Tino smiles as Jimmy falls lifelessly forward, the front half of his body in the trunk and the other half sitting on the pavement. Jack fires two more shots into the back of each of Jimmy’s ears to make sure the job is finished.

 

                                           END


Docfaustino
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#8

Posted A week ago

Keep up the good work! 


Xl anthrax lX
  • Xl anthrax lX

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#9

Posted A week ago

Thanks Doc I appreciate it.





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