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Mosselquest 2014

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  • universetwisters

    brb sitting in my 85 Skylark as it idles in the garage

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Posted 14 May 2014 - 10:19 PM Edited by universetwisters, 14 May 2014 - 10:19 PM.



One fine day in a small fishing village in North Holland, all the villagers went out to catch some clams and fish and other fine meals from the sea. The only place on the mainland that wasn't busy was the inn. All the fishermen had been at sea for many days now, and as such, the inn was empty for many days. Then, out of the blue, a mysterious man hopped into town. He wore a black suit with a striped shirt, he wore wooden clogs and had a bald head with big, bushy eyebrows. He was known throughout all of North Holland as Mosselman, and he was on a Mosselquest for some of the finest mossels in all of the Netherlands. As he waltzed into the inn and sat down at a table, a waitress walked up to him.


"What'll you have?" the waitress asked.
"BRBRBRBRBRBRBR" wailed the Mosselman before slamming the menu on the table.

"A pot of mossels, coming right up!" said the waitress.

A few moments later, the waitress brought a pot of mossels to Mosselman. She also brought out a pot of the inn's special "mossel sauce" and a tall glass of wine because Mosselman requested it. As Mosselman stuffed his big, hairy hand into the pot of mossels and ate them like potato chips, he reflected on his life leading up to now. What once was a seargant of the 82nd Armored Airborne Infantry Calvary division of the Dutch Army has now been stripped of his uniform, his medals, his title, his house, his car, his family, and most importantly, his job as a marketing analyst for Nedlloyd. Now, he is damned to walk for eternity in nothing but a suit, a very tacky shirt, and uncomfortable clogs. "Sir..." a voice in his head called out. "Sir..."

Mosselman was pulled out of his self loathing and back into reality by the waitress, who noticed that he had finished his mossels a long time ago and has been rubbing the mossel sauce all over his face and his bald head for the past half hour. The waitress gave Mosselman a bill for all the food he ate, but Mosselman wouldn't pay any of it. Not because he was broke, but because he was crazy. Did you hear about how he lost everything? He set his hometown of Sliedrecht on fire after the voices in the head told him to.

"They're onto you," said the man in his head, "you'd better get out while you still can".

"BRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBR" agreed Mosselman.


Mosselman flipped over the table and sprinted out the door. The waitress chased after him, angrily cussing in Dutch and shaking a rolling pin at him, but he was too quick for her to catch up. Nevertheless, the waitress finally found him up a tree, scanning the ground for a clear escape. There was no escape for him either way, as the waitress put her hands on her hips and spoke up to Mosselman.

"Mosselman, what are you doing up in that tree?" The waitress asked.

"BRBRBRBRBRBRBRBR" retorted Mosselman.

And then the tree fell, crushing Mosselman underneath it's trunk and killing him instantly.

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