Grand Theft Auto: Ludendorff
CHAPTER 1: Give me Ludendorff I'm not sure what the meaning of this is. A play on "Give me Liberty" perhaps?
Rick sat up in his bed. His eyelids felt heavier than usual. He doesn't feel like standing up to get out of bed so he just rolls off of the bed. He hit the floor face first, then he quickly stumbled to his feet. Impatiently, Rick rushed to the bathroom and grabbed an empty cup that was sitting on the lid of his toilet. Rick turns the cold water faucet on. Dark, murky water pours into his cup. Rick doesn't care that the water is filthy. He gulped the water quickly and walked back into the bedroom.
A few things here. Firstly, "his eyelids felt heavier than usual" - the implication here is that his eyes always feel heavy, but there's no elaboration. Does he struggle to sleep often? Or is this a one off - his eyes simply feel heavy?
The next thing is tense. You start with "Rick sat up in his bed." then "He doesn't feel like.." The first one is past tense and the second present tense. You should revise everything you write to make sure it's all in the same tense.
"Rick sat up in his bed. His eyelids felt heavy. He didn't feel like standing up to get out of bed, so he just rolled off of the bed. He hit the floor face first and quickly stumbled to his feet."
The third thing is this whole process. He doesn't feel like standing up to get out of bed so he just rolls out of bed, flat on his face then stands up. It's like saying "Bob didn't feel like eating, so he had a drink then ate a steak". It just doesn't work for me. I think you may be trying to show he's a bit of a wildcard, but instead he's coming off as an idiot.
Finally, where's the scene setting here? He's in bed, then standing up. Where? When? Is it early morning? Is the sun up? Are birds chirping outside his window? Are his curtains drawn, does light seep through the gap? Can the TV be heard through the floor? You're just telling us what happens, when i want to be shown. Paint the scene, put my in it!
Rick sat up in bed, his eyes bleary and his head sore. Yet another night had passed, with little sleep. He barely had the energy to get out of bed, but he managed to roll his feet out and onto the rough carpet. Birds mocked him with chirpy songs outside in the too-bright daytime, the light pouring through his torn curtains like a burst water main. He blinked at the blinding light as he stood and flung open the curtain.
"Shut the f*ck up!" he yelled, and for a second, the birds obeyed. As soon as he turned away, though, their songs were sung again, only this time louder.
"f*ckers!" Rick padded across the carpet which had born too many food spills over the years and gone hard and flat. His feet pattered on the linoleum of the bathroom and he slammed his hand into the faucet. The pipes clanged and a dirty-looking stream of water tricked out. He cupped his hand and scooped the water up to his mouth, sipping at it, uncaring how dirty it was.
Something with a bit more detail and dynamic, like that, i think.
He looked around in the numerous piles of clothes that he had. "There. This looks the part." Rick said as he tried on a dark blue sports jacket. Rick quickly slipped into some black cargo pants and standard 1960s army boots.
Firstly, if he has clothes all over his bedroom floor, perhaps consider showing us that when he gets out of bed - we'd see them at that point, so show them then.
Second, each time there is new speech, it has it's own line. "There. This looks the part." should be on a new line, and also, not ending in a period but a comma.
"There. This looks the part," Rick said...
Rick walks out of his house and continues down the lonesome road heading to Ludendorff.
Why's it lonesome? Is his the only house on it? If so, show us that. We've had nothing to imply it's lonesome so far, and suddenly stating so is a little... well it's not very effective. Refering to the road as lonesome is better after establishing that it is so. Show us that there is nothing else.
Once Rick had finally reached the outter parts of the town, Rick No need to say Rick again here, just use "he" encountered an old man walking with a warm cup of coffee.
Again, show us. The coffee is warm - how does Rick know? perhaps a steaming cup of coffee?
"Mornin'" the elderly man said, smiling at Rick as his passed him by. Rick quickly turns around comma steals the mans up of coffee, takes the lid off, and pours it on the owner's head. The man screams in pain as Rick yells out to him. Now this is a problem because you've stated the coffee is warm. Warm wouldnt hurt the man. Hot would.
"That's what you get for waking down my street, cocksucker!". Rick continues to walk down the street till he arrives at the Gulp 'n' Purge diner.
Now in my eyes, there's a huge crack here. There is absolutely no reason for Rick to do this. There's nothing that's pissed him off or caused trauma. His street? That's pretty arrogant of him. This is just unprecedented and feels like its here for shock factor alone. Gulp 'n' Purge - that made me chuckle though, nice.
Rick walks into the diner and sits down at the bar. While he waits, he picks up a salt shaker and pours it all over the bar. While he's doing this, the waitress walks over to him. "Ugh, what do YOU want, Rick?" Speech on new line, remember? Rick notices the waitress and stops pouring the salt on the bar. Rick throws the saltshaker over his shoulder, which hits an old man eating soup. The old man gets knocked out and falls into his soup as Rick talks to the waitress. haha, what's the shaker made out of?! Seems a little extreme - unless Rick really threw it. Tossing it haphazardly would likely just hurt the man...
"Oh, you know why I'm here, amigo. You known goddamn well why I'm here-" Rick said before getting interruped. Check your spelling. And, again, new speacker=new line! "Let me guess, you're gonna try to get us into paying protection money for you-" "You're goddamn right! I mean... f*ck, man! You've got all these dangers and sh*t out there, and who've you got protecting you from them?" The waitress looks at Rick with disgust. "I've got the cops, who're gonna come right now if you don't get out of here!" Suddenly, the chef walks up next to the waitress. The chef has a heavy Italian accent. "Alright, what is-a going on here?" The chef asks the waitress. "Rick's back, trying to get us to pay protection over nothing-" Rick begins to talk over the waitress at this point. "I'm trying to collect the dues I rightfully earned by-Shut up, shut the f*ck up, you f*cking c*nt!" The chef's face glows red with anger. "Hey! Don't you talk-a to my wife like-a that!" I'd recommend you go on youtube and listen to some english-speaking italians. I've never actually heard someone-a speak-a like-a this and it seems a little stereotypical.
The chef stares Rick down, as if he's about to throw him into a piping hot soup. "Oh, yeah!? Well, f*ck you too, you stupid f*cking Italian cock! You big, veiny, black, italian-" Right as Rick speaks the last sentence, the Chef jumps over the bar and tackles Rick. Rick screams as he is taken down, but quickly recovers and picks himself back up, as does the chef.
Rick grabs the chef by his apron and brings him to the floor. The chef hits Rick in the chest multiple times in a struggle to break free. Just before the chef has a chance at pushing him off, Rick grabs a sugar glass and beats the chef in the head with it. Each hit makes the chef a darker shade of purple. Blood drops and teeth are scattered across the floor. Rick stands up and fixes his hair. "Wanna look good when I do this, ya know?" Rick says to the waitress, smiling. "What the f*ck is your problem, you stupid f*ck!? You can't just beat up people like that, for f*ck's sake! Don't you ever have any common sense-" Rick then headbutts the waitress and calmy walks out the door as the patrons of the diner watch him. Rick picks up a nearby chair and throws it in a random direction as he walks out of the diner.
I can't say I enjoyed this senseless violence too much. Rick seems like a copy of Trevor Phillips - right down to the word "amigo" which Trevor uses a little. There is little to the character I like, no redeeming quality so far, no real need for him to beat people up and kill for no reason. The attack on the chef seemed a little harsh, but i can go with that. him saying about the money he rightfully earned? That made me laugh and not in a good way.
Rick seems like a pretty one sided, violent for violence's sake character. The man with the coffee, for example - I'm finding it hard to like and identify with a character who attacks a man for just being friendly.
I think some more character development is needed here, and something to explain and justify why he want's to seemingly kill the world. Anger? Over what? Pain? From what?
The biggest problem, however, is tense - you keep going from past (he did) to present (he does) - and you need to keep it in one. Probably not worth rewriting this entire thing - you can if you want, of course - but for your next chapter, think about it. I'll check that out when I can.