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Grand Theft Auto: Ludendorff

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theNGclan
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#1

Posted 22 April 2014 - 01:04 AM Edited by theNGclan, 22 April 2014 - 01:04 AM.

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Now, before we can get anywhere with the story, I have to inform every reader that this story will need a lot of revising. It won't be perfect as it's my first big fanfiction. I've done smaller work before, but this is bigger simply because once the story is done, it WILL be added to a modification to Grand Theft Auto IV. This is simply the written version of the story for those who can't/don't want to play the mod. Plus I figured I should improve my writing skill.

 

The story is based on the North Yankton DLC hoax. So there is a variety of new and returning characters, including Niko Bellic and Gay Tony to Rick Chance and Eric Adailson.


 

Grand Theft Auto: Ludendorff

 

CHAPTER 1: Give me Ludendorff

 

Rick sat up in his bed. His eyelids felt heavier than usual. He doesn't feel like standing up to get out of bed so he just rolls off of the bed. He hit the floor face first, then he quickly stumbled to his feet. Impatiently, Rick rushed to the bathroom and grabbed an empty cup that was sitting on the lid of his toilet. Rick turns the cold water faucet on. Dark, murky water pours into his cup. Rick doesn't care that the water is filthy. He gulped the water quickly and walked back into the bedroom. He looked around in the numerous piles of clothes that he had. "There. This looks the part." Rick said as he tried on a dark blue sports jacket. Rick quickly slipped into some black cargo pants and standard 1960s army boots.

 
Rick walks out of his house and continues down the lonesome road heading to Ludendorff. Once Rick had finally reached the outter parts of the town, Rick encountered an old man walking with a warm cup of coffee. "Mornin'" the elderly man said, smiling at Rick as his passed him by. Rick quickly turns around steals the mans up of coffee, takes the lid off, and pours it on the owner's head. The man screams in pain as Rick yells out to him. "That's what you get for waking down my street, cocksucker!". Rick continues to walk down the street till he arrives at the  Gulp 'n' Purge diner.
 
Rick walks into the diner and sits down at the bar. While he waits, he picks up a salt shaker and pours it all over the bar. While he's doing this, the waitress walks over to him. "Ugh, what do YOU want, Rick?" Rick notices the waitress and stops pouring the salt on the bar. Rick throws the saltshaker over his shoulder, which hits an old man eating soup. The old man gets knocked out and falls into his soup as Rick talks to the waitress. "Oh, you know why I'm here, amigo. You known goddamn well why I'm here-" Rick said before getting interruped. "Let me guess, you're gonna try to get us into paying protection money for you-" "You're goddamn right! I mean... f*ck, man! You've got all these dangers and sh*t out there, and who've you got protecting you from them?" The waitress looks at Rick with disgust. "I've got the cops, who're gonna come right now if you don't get out of here!" Suddenly, the chef walks up next to the waitress. The chef has a heavy Italian accent. "Alright, what is-a going on here?" The chef asks the waitress. "Rick's back, trying to get us to pay protection over nothing-" Rick begins to talk over the waitress at this point. "I'm trying to collect the dues I rightfully earned by-Shut up, shut the f*ck up, you f*cking c*nt!" The chef's face glows red with anger. "Hey! Don't you talk-a to my wife like-a that!" The chef stares Rick down, as if he's about to throw him into a piping hot soup. "Oh, yeah!? Well, f*ck you too, you stupid f*cking Italian cock! You big, veiny, black, italian-" Right as Rick speaks the last sentence, the Chef jumps over the bar and tackles Rick. Rick screams as he is taken down, but quickly recovers and picks himself back up, as does the chef.
 
Rick grabs the chef by his apron and brings him to the floor. The chef hits Rick in the chest multiple times in a struggle to break free. Just before the chef has a chance at pushing him off, Rick grabs a sugar glass and beats the chef in the head with it. Each hit makes the chef a darker shade of purple. Blood drops and teeth are scattered across the floor. Rick stands up and fixes his hair. "Wanna look good when I do this, ya know?" Rick says to the waitress, smiling. "What the f*ck is your problem, you stupid f*ck!? You can't just beat up people like that, for f*ck's sake! Don't you ever have any common sense-" Rick then headbutts the waitress and calmy walks out the door as the patrons of the diner watch him. Rick picks up a nearby chair and throws it in a random direction as he walks out of the diner.
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theNGclan
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#2

Posted 22 April 2014 - 11:01 PM

 

Grand Theft Auto: Ludendorff

 

Chapter 2: Kuruma Karnage

 

It is a new day. The sun is beaming through the snow covered trees. The snow on the road is melting ever so slowly. Rick is sitting on the floor of his apartment drawing a picture of a penis. He adds shading by licking his thumb and smearing the ink. Constant thoughts of the shape, size, and direction of the reproductive orgran are dancing around in Rick's head. The sound of a door opening and then slamming such startles Rick, forcing him to mess up a line. Dear lord, the picture is ruined. "And there goes my strike of artistic genious." Rick mumbles as he stands up and walks into the living room. "And what do I owe this pleasant disturbance to?" Rick asks Jessica, his sour mouthed girlfriend. Jessica looks at Rick in complete amazement. "Where've you been? You were gone all day and all night yesterday." Jessica asks Rick while she strings out a piece of chewing gum, then slowly pulls it back in with her mouth. "Hehe, where have I been, eh? Where have YOU been? Out scurrying about in the night, probably contracting a sexual disease... or two." Jessica closes her eyes and sighs loudly while talking. The smacking of her lips while chewing intensifies. "You're such a dick. Everything that comes out of your mouth is either slander or a childish joke." Rick folds his arms and chuckles. "Ohoho, but the only things that come out of your mouth are not only the dicks you're slobbing on at night, but they're also statements against me. Slander, like you said just a second ago. Now sweetheart, tell me what the problem is."

 
Jessica reaches for her phone, skimming through pictures. "Uh.. er... found 'em! This guy said he isn't gonna pay you protection no more. The junk yard guy. Something about there being no threats or somethin'." Rick grabs the nearest Pißwasser bottle and thros it at the wall. The shards hit the ground before most of the drink does. The liquid will likely stain the wall. "So... that guy... won't pay me for my valuable work? What is his problem? I'm a great worker. I support what he wants to do and makes sure nobody interferes. Jes, you stay here and don't you dare touch my cock drawing. Its worth a helluva lot more than you." Rick walks out of the apartment and rushes down the steps. Since the apartment building is abandonned despite Rick and a few of his associates living there, making a show won't lead to noise complaints. As he walks into the garage, Rick picks up his keys from the meth table. Rick sits in his lime green Opis Mantis and turned the key in the ignition. The car fires up and he's on his way.
 
About seventeen or so minutes pass before Rick is even close to the junk yard. Once Rick is close enough, Rick parks his car on top of a stop sign. "Hey big guy! Why aren't you gonna pay me anymore? Is there something wrong with my service? Why didn't you notify me earlier?" The junk yard guy is working on a 2001 Blue Kuruma that was imported from Liberty City several years ago. The junk yard guy shuts the hood before saying anything to Rick. "Ain't nobody comin' around here to mess with me. Only you." Rick is agitated by the remark. He quickly looks around for something to kill the man with. Suddenly, Rick notices the crowbar on the workbench next to him. "I can wreck your car pretty bad, buddy. I can do a lot more than just slash the tires." The junk yard guy takes a few steps away from the Kuruma, panicking. "H-.. Haha... like w-what?" Rick bashes in the windshield with the crowbar, then hops on the hood and kicks the rest of it in. His hits the steering wheel, knocking it out of place. Rick then shoves the crowbar into the metal exterior, creating several jagged holes. "f*ck man just stop I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Rick notices a gas can on the other side of the Kuruma. He opens it up and pours it inside of the Kuruma. The junk yard guy jumps at Rick and tries to stop him from igniting the vehicles. "This is strictly business, amigo! Back the f*ck up!" Rick says as he forces the man away from him. The man stumbles and falls on his back, frantically trying to get up. Rick pours the remiaing bit of gasoline on the man. There is a thick trail leading from the car to the junk yard guy. Rick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small lighter that he got from a gas station just a few days before. He starts the fire, burning both teh vehicle and the man. The man screams in pain as his flesh bubbles and his lungs get filled with smoke. "Just shut up already!" Rick says before he makes the final move. He stomps on the man's head. The body continues burning, but the head has been stomped out.
 
Rick drives home and listens to the news report on the radio. "More gore in our lovely little town is tearing us apart. Quite literally. A Mr. Westley Willison was found dead after a pire report was submitted to the LPD. Westley will be buried in the Ludendorff cemetary along with the rest of the people who die horrible, agonizing deaths around here." Rick did it. He successfully handled a business operation properly. He liquidized an asset that was hurting the body of his organization.
 
Rick pulls into the garage of his apartment. He sits in his seat for a moment, thinking about life. He opens his door and shuts it, leaving his keys on the meth table like the once were. Its been a stressful day and its time to wind down. Little did Rick know what his future had in store for him real soon.

theNGclan
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#3

Posted 24 April 2014 - 09:26 PM

 

Grand Theft Auto: Ludendorff

 
CHAPTER 3: Stuck in the past
 
It's Wednesday. Rick's good friend Eric Adailson always has a large shipment of drugs ready on every Wednesday. Rick has been awake for about two or three hours. He isn't even sure. Rick walks into his garage to find Eric mixing several chemicals. "Hey buddy, what're you cookin' today?" Eric whipes a fine mist of sweat from his forehead. "I uh, made more Spank. I figured we could sell it to the Nazi camp, get 'em high and get 'em when they least expect it." Rick chuckles and leans against his Opis Mantis. "Cookin' with Eric. Hell, maybe if this drug running thing doesn't work out, you could be a cookin' show host. Showing stay at home moms how to make meth or  cupcakes. Maybe a weird combination of the two." Eric rolls his eyes and pour hot battery acid into a scrappy looking metal pan. "But we uh... do have a teeny tiny problem." Eric says to Rick without looking at him. "And what might that teeny tiny problem be?" Eric starts pouring a thick white powder into the mix, creating a blue-ish flame from the pot. "That Tony guy from the rain ain't paid up. We sold him several boxes of acid and we ain't getin' any cash in return." Rick puts his hands on his hips, looks at the ground, and sighs. "People just don't feel like paying this month, do they? Maybe it has somethin' to do ith the economy. Locally, not nationally anyway. Winter really kills the crops and sh*t, so there is a lesser money flow in the end. I'll go hit him up. Quite literally." Rick waves at Eric as he walks out. Eric sneezes and some of the burning concoction lands on his legs. Eric isn't even phased.
 
Thirteen minutes later...
 
Niko Bellic has been in a deep depression since he lost something very dear to him in Liberty City. He made several bad choices in his life, but the ones he made in 2008 will leave him with deeper wounds than any others. It was either work for the man who had nearly killed him and his cousin once more, or take him out once and for all. He decided it would best to take him out. In the end, the love of Niko's life was taken from him. Her body was in his hands. He has never been the same since.
 
"Niko, you need to relax. It wasn't your fault. Not to mention it has been, I don't know, five years?" Roman, Niko's cousin, said while scratching his head. Niko rested his face in his hands. "Five years ago, I let someone die. Someone who did nothing bad to anyone, Roman. Do you know how it feels? The amount of guilt I have for this is getting too heavy." Just at that exact moment Rick opens the door to their apartment. "Hey." Niko says coldy when Rick walks in without even looking at him. Rick sits down on the bed next to Niko. "Hey, I know this is probably a bad time, but I need you to come with me. I'm gonna need help tearing a new ass for a client of mine." Niko looks dreadfully at Rick. "What client is it this time?" Niko asks with a sound in his voice that signifies that he needs to cough. He then coughs into his arm. Rick signals for Niko to follow him, leading to Niko doing so. Niko waves at Roman while leaving. "Rick is nothing but a kurvo." Roman mumbles as he takes a seat on the couch.
 
Rick opens the door to his Opis Mantis and sits inside. Niko gets in the passenger seat and reaches into the pocket of his track pants and pulls out a container of pills. Niko has been taking anti-depressants since he moved to North Yankton. Due to the fact he isn't a legal citizen, Niko relies on Rick for his medication. "So..." Niko says when swallowing his pill. "Who're we killing today, Rick? A banker? A lumberjack? An entire mafia?" Rick looks at Niko  and rolls his eyes while he starts the car. Rick backs out into the road and heads off back to the outter parts of Ludendorff. "Nah, not today. There is this guy I've been dealing drugs to. He goes by the name of Homosexual Antonio or somesh*t. He was like this uh... accountant or bartender or something like that back in Liberty City." Niko rubs his chin for a second, thinking if he knows of any Homo-Antonios. "You mean Gay Tony? Right?" Rick shakes his head. "Yeah, that bumrusher." Niko relaxes a bit in his seat and looks out the window. "So what's our plan of action this time?" Niko asks Rick curiously. "Well, it IS a rave. And its at a barn. So I figured that we strike at night, when the party is at its climax. Then I bust through the walls of the barn with a tractor. The walls collapse causing people to panic and run out. Then we can find Ton-o-rino." Niko's meds are starting to kick in. His mood is improving for what it's worth. "Lets get something to eat at the diner. We've gotta lot of time to kill." Niko says, scratching the back of his hand.
Several hours later...
 
The party is going crazy. So many drunk and high people are letting the music flow through there bodies. Some are good at dancing while others are... questionable. The song, "I'm blue", is playing in a jumpstyle form. One young man attempts to shake his bottocks in a violent manner. As the beat gets more intense, his man-tush shakes violently. It is definitely close to twerking, but not close enough. He is thrown out of the bar for being a "jerkoff". This gave Niko the perfect chance to sneak into the rave while Rick ran off and steal a tractor.
 
Niko moved over to a darker part of the rave and a waited. The music was getting louder. "He better get here soon..." Niko mumbles to himself. Rick was at another farm not too far from the other. He climbed ontop of the tractor and placed two SCAR MK22s between his legs so they wouldn't fall. Only problem was that Rick had to ride the tractor down the hill. Niko was getting tired of waiting. He had been waiting for about thirteen minutes now. Eventually he reached into his pocket to call Rick to ask what the problem is. As soon as he was searching through his contacts, Rick blows through the side of the barn. The tractor goes at such a high speed that it goes half way through the wall on the other side. The ravers attempt to escape and stumble over eachother while others get killed as collateral by the trator. Rick tosses a SCAR MK22 to Niko. "You take the outside, I'll take out his guys inside!".
 
Niko rushed outside only to be greeted by shotgun wielding guards. They had him surrounded. He quickly rushed behind one and shot out the back of his shins. Niko had the man by his neck. The bleeding guard was begging for his life. He didn't want to be a human shield. "Calm down buddy, we don't want anyone to hurt." One of the guards exclaimed. "Too late for that. Your boss should've thought of that before not paying his boss." Niko says coldly. He fires several scatter shots at the group of guards, killing most of them. Niko drop the human shield to the ground. He isn't dead yet, but the weather will definitely kill him before the night is out.
Rick was taking cover behind the tractor. The guards were firing several shots at him. He had to move before the bullets finally pushed through every sheet of metal and got him. "Eat my crotch cheese you f*cks!" Rick yelled, confusing the guards. "The f*ck did he say? This f*cker is-" a guard says right before he gets shot. Rick clears out the guards with a bullet for each. The fall off of the high ledge they were standing on, and crack there heads on the ground during impact. Niko runs inside and follows Rick. They run up the stairs to the highest part of the barn.
 
Niko punches through the glass window on the dor to the office and then reaches in to turn the knob. Niko and Rick then run in with their SCARs pointed at the desk. "Get up! Get the f*ck up you butt-f*ckin' nooglin!" Rick shouts loudly.  The once popular Tony Prince fumbles to his feet. Both of his hands are in the air. Sweat running down the side of his face. "It has been quieeete a long time hasn't it? Do you remember me?" Niko says while pacing closer to Tony. "I c-cant... can't say I do." Tony says, tring to hold back tears. "Liberty City. 2008. The Charge Island Sewage Works? Handing over the diamonds to me and a coworker for Gracie Ancelotti?" "Yeah... I- I remember you. You and that Irish mother f*ck." Tony replies while stuttering. Niko gets closer to Tony. "Why haven't you paid?" Tony looks at Niko and then to Rick. "I'm... I... I'm making some business changes. I'll have some money by the end of the month! I swear this time." Rick grabs the lamp off of Ton'y sdesk and bashes it against Tony's head. "I'm expecting my cash soon." Rick says before walking off. Niko helps Tony when Rick walks out the door. "Just have the money soon. I don't want to see you get killed." Niko says, patting Tony on the back.
 
Niko walks down the stairs following Rick. Rick turns around and walks backwards while talking to Niko. "When you get the time tomorrow, go and speak to the crew. I've got some things to take care of with Jessica. Ttyl amigo." Niko stops walking and looks at Rick with confusion. "Uhhh... T-T-Y-L?" Rick keaps walking backwards and says "...Talk-To-You-Later A-mi-go." Rick turns around and walks back to his house. Niko walks to his apartment. On his way, he reaches for his phone. The wind and the snow were getting heavier so he might not get too good of reception at the moment. Niko searched for Roman's contact. Niko puts his cellphone up to his ear and waits for Roman to pick up. He was going to need to tell Roman about what just happened.
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#4

Posted 30 April 2014 - 10:25 AM

 

Grand Theft Auto: Ludendorff

 

CHAPTER 1: Give me Ludendorff I'm not sure what the meaning of this is. A play on "Give me Liberty" perhaps?

 

Rick sat up in his bed. His eyelids felt heavier than usual. He doesn't feel like standing up to get out of bed so he just rolls off of the bed. He hit the floor face first, then he quickly stumbled to his feet. Impatiently, Rick rushed to the bathroom and grabbed an empty cup that was sitting on the lid of his toilet. Rick turns the cold water faucet on. Dark, murky water pours into his cup. Rick doesn't care that the water is filthy. He gulped the water quickly and walked back into the bedroom.

 

A few things here. Firstly, "his eyelids felt heavier than usual" - the implication here is that his eyes always feel heavy, but there's no elaboration. Does he struggle to sleep often? Or is this a one off - his eyes simply feel heavy?

The next thing is tense. You start with "Rick sat up in his bed." then "He doesn't feel like.."  The first one is past tense and the second present tense. You should revise everything you write to make sure it's all in the same tense.
"Rick sat up in his bed. His eyelids felt heavy. He didn't feel like standing up to get out of bed, so he just rolled off of the bed. He hit the floor face first and quickly stumbled to his feet."

The third thing is this whole process. He doesn't feel like standing up to get out of bed so he just rolls out of bed, flat on his face then stands up. It's like saying "Bob didn't feel like eating, so he had a drink then ate a steak". It just doesn't work for me. I think you may be trying to show he's a bit of a wildcard, but instead he's coming off as an idiot.

Finally, where's the scene setting here? He's in bed, then standing up. Where? When? Is it early morning? Is the sun up? Are birds chirping outside his window? Are his curtains drawn, does light seep through the gap? Can the TV be heard through the floor? You're just telling us what happens, when i want to be shown. Paint the scene, put my in it!

Rick sat up in bed, his eyes bleary and his head sore. Yet another night had passed, with little sleep. He barely had the energy to get out of bed, but he managed to roll his feet out and onto the rough carpet. Birds mocked him with chirpy songs outside in the too-bright daytime, the light pouring through his torn curtains like a burst water main. He blinked at the blinding light as he stood and flung open the curtain.
"Shut the f*ck up!" he yelled, and for a second, the birds obeyed. As soon as he turned away, though, their songs were sung again, only this time louder.
"f*ckers!" Rick padded across the carpet which had born too many food spills over the years and gone hard and flat. His feet pattered on the linoleum of the bathroom and he slammed his hand into the faucet. The pipes clanged and a dirty-looking stream of water tricked out. He cupped his hand and scooped the water up to his mouth, sipping at it, uncaring how dirty it was.

Something with a bit more detail and dynamic, like that, i think.

 

He looked around in the numerous piles of clothes that he had. "There. This looks the part." Rick said as he tried on a dark blue sports jacket. Rick quickly slipped into some black cargo pants and standard 1960s army boots.

Firstly, if he has clothes all over his bedroom floor, perhaps consider showing us that when he gets out of bed - we'd see them at that point, so show them then.
Second, each time there is new speech, it has it's own line. "There. This looks the part." should be on a new line, and also, not ending in a period but a comma.
"There. This looks the part," Rick said...

 

 
Rick walks out of his house and continues down the lonesome road heading to Ludendorff.
 
Why's it lonesome? Is his the only house on it? If so, show us that. We've had nothing to imply it's lonesome so far, and suddenly stating so is a little... well it's not very effective. Refering to the road as lonesome is better after establishing that it is so. Show us that there is nothing else.
 
Once Rick had finally reached the outter parts of the town, Rick No need to say Rick again here, just use "he" encountered an old man walking with a warm cup of coffee.

Again, show us. The coffee is warm - how does Rick know? perhaps a steaming cup of coffee?
 
"Mornin'" the elderly man said, smiling at Rick as his passed him by. Rick quickly turns around comma steals the mans up of coffee, takes the lid off, and pours it on the owner's head. The man screams in pain as Rick yells out to him. Now this is a problem because you've stated the coffee is warm. Warm wouldnt hurt the man. Hot would.

 
"That's what you get for waking down my street, cocksucker!". Rick continues to walk down the street till he arrives at the  Gulp 'n' Purge diner.

Now in my eyes, there's a huge crack here. There is absolutely no reason for Rick to do this. There's nothing that's pissed him off or caused trauma. His street? That's pretty arrogant of him. This is just unprecedented and feels like its here for shock factor alone. Gulp 'n' Purge - that made me chuckle though, nice.
 
 
Rick walks into the diner and sits down at the bar. While he waits, he picks up a salt shaker and pours it all over the bar. While he's doing this, the waitress walks over to him. "Ugh, what do YOU want, Rick?" Speech on new line, remember? Rick notices the waitress and stops pouring the salt on the bar. Rick throws the saltshaker over his shoulder, which hits an old man eating soup. The old man gets knocked out and falls into his soup as Rick talks to the waitress. haha, what's the shaker made out of?! Seems a little extreme - unless Rick really threw it. Tossing it haphazardly would likely just hurt the man...

"Oh, you know why I'm here, amigo. You known goddamn well why I'm here-" Rick said before getting interruped. Check your spelling. And, again, new speacker=new line! "Let me guess, you're gonna try to get us into paying protection money for you-" "You're goddamn right! I mean... f*ck, man! You've got all these dangers and sh*t out there, and who've you got protecting you from them?" The waitress looks at Rick with disgust. "I've got the cops, who're gonna come right now if you don't get out of here!" Suddenly, the chef walks up next to the waitress. The chef has a heavy Italian accent. "Alright, what is-a going on here?" The chef asks the waitress. "Rick's back, trying to get us to pay protection over nothing-" Rick begins to talk over the waitress at this point. "I'm trying to collect the dues I rightfully earned by-Shut up, shut the f*ck up, you f*cking c*nt!" The chef's face glows red with anger. "Hey! Don't you talk-a to my wife like-a that!" I'd recommend you go on youtube and listen to some english-speaking italians. I've never actually heard someone-a speak-a like-a this and it seems a little stereotypical.

 
The chef stares Rick down, as if he's about to throw him into a piping hot soup. "Oh, yeah!? Well, f*ck you too, you stupid f*cking Italian cock! You big, veiny, black, italian-" Right as Rick speaks the last sentence, the Chef jumps over the bar and tackles Rick. Rick screams as he is taken down, but quickly recovers and picks himself back up, as does the chef.
 
Rick grabs the chef by his apron and brings him to the floor. The chef hits Rick in the chest multiple times in a struggle to break free. Just before the chef has a chance at pushing him off, Rick grabs a sugar glass and beats the chef in the head with it. Each hit makes the chef a darker shade of purple. Blood drops and teeth are scattered across the floor. Rick stands up and fixes his hair. "Wanna look good when I do this, ya know?" Rick says to the waitress, smiling. "What the f*ck is your problem, you stupid f*ck!? You can't just beat up people like that, for f*ck's sake! Don't you ever have any common sense-" Rick then headbutts the waitress and calmy walks out the door as the patrons of the diner watch him. Rick picks up a nearby chair and throws it in a random direction as he walks out of the diner.
I can't say I enjoyed this senseless violence too much.  Rick seems like a copy of Trevor Phillips - right down to the word "amigo" which Trevor uses a little. There is little to the character I like, no redeeming quality so far, no real need for him to beat people up and kill for no reason. The attack on the chef seemed a little harsh, but i can go with that. him saying about the money he rightfully earned? That made me laugh and not in a good way.
Rick seems like a pretty one sided, violent for violence's sake character. The man with the coffee, for example - I'm finding it hard to like and identify with a character who attacks a man for just being friendly.

I think some more character development is needed here, and something to explain and justify why he want's to seemingly kill the world. Anger? Over what? Pain? From what?

The biggest problem, however, is tense - you keep going from past (he did) to present (he does) - and you need to keep it in one. Probably not worth rewriting this entire thing - you can if you want, of course - but for your next chapter, think about it. I'll check that out when I can.

 


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#5

Posted 30 April 2014 - 12:05 PM

I'm sorry, you couldve been creative atleast with the title of story and chapter name. Killed my interest instantly.


theNGclan
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#6

Posted 30 April 2014 - 09:02 PM Edited by theNGclan, 30 April 2014 - 09:07 PM.

Taken notes of the earlier post. I'll improve upon it in later chapters. Might edit the original chapters too.

 

As for Rick's one sided actions, it's all based on events prior to what has currently happened. His character will thoroughly be explained as the story develops. Yes, he is very similar to Trevor when it comes to his purpose, but Rick is supposed to be the character you can't really like, but still deal with. His role asks the question if you can tolerate such a person if your life is in danger.

 

Working on Chp 4 currently. Will bare the improvements and such in mind. Thanks for the help! :^:


MagnumOpuz
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#7

Posted 30 April 2014 - 09:20 PM Edited by MagnumOpuz, 30 April 2014 - 09:20 PM.

i really like chapter three. was funny, and for an instant, i felt niko's guilt. only thing i would say is add a dash of poetic imagery to describe your characters emotions.  don't overdo it, though. and ease up on the violence.   anyone can beat some guy up, but remember to tell us why.  and have a better reason than, he looked at (character) wrong.  maybe describe how the guy reminded him of a bully from his past.


Mokrie Dela
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    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#8

Posted 30 April 2014 - 10:39 PM

Taken notes of the earlier post. I'll improve upon it in later chapters. Might edit the original chapters too.

 

As for Rick's one sided actions, it's all based on events prior to what has currently happened. His character will thoroughly be explained as the story develops. Yes, he is very similar to Trevor when it comes to his purpose, but Rick is supposed to be the character you can't really like, but still deal with. His role asks the question if you can tolerate such a person if your life is in danger.

 

Working on Chp 4 currently. Will bare the improvements and such in mind. Thanks for the help! :^:

Well i think you're on thin ice here. Please tread carefully. You do not want your reader to "tolerate" the main character. You want them to become them, to feel for them. I've only read 1 and 2, but so far, I can't say I like him much nor do I care about his goals. If his motives are explained, I'm worried it'll be too late for me to be pulled in.
Character development is f*cking hard. I pulled it off well in JIF with Rami, but in other works I've really struggled. the character needs to be fully developed and even if we don't see everything to start with, it all need to be there.
When he pours the coffee over that guy, it felt to me like it had no purpose - like it was there simply to make us go "Oh he's a badass" - and that's not right. It needs to have more of a purpose, more weight behind it. Perhaps his actions will be explained later, but from what I've read he seems quite childish and shallow. Trevor had some redeeming qualities. Rockstar didn't handle his intro well imo, but if, say, I never saw that one event, there are some aspects of him that are redeemable. He's a moderately straight shooter. Much of his actions can be explained by perhaps his experiance with Michael and the loss he felt and then the rage on his realisation. His upbringing is hinted at being rough.

Rick though? I'm seeing nothing other than mindless violence.

 

To build on what MagnumOpuz said:

Look at some villains in films. Mister Glass in Indestructible, The Joker in the Dark Knight. Spoilers ahead. If you've not seen indestructible check it out before reading on!!! (Bruce Willis, Samual L Jackson)

Spoiler





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