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No More "I Love You"

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universetwisters
  • universetwisters

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#1

Posted 15 April 2014 - 03:16 AM

So I decided to write this poem, sonnet, whatever you wanna call it. I did it based on something my buddy did on their profile. Don't take it too seriously, since I wrote this to vent some stuff. On a lighter note, try to count how many song references you can find.

 

 

"I am free, like a bird in the sky"
"I am free, I forgot what fear means"

Plays on my ipod as I walk home.

I do not know the language

but I know the words

because we'd listen to them all the time

It used to be our favorite song

but now

It's just words to a tune

 

We had perfect days together
She made me forget myself

She made me think I was someone else

Someone good

Someone worth being loved

Someone worth spending time with

Someone worth eating Chinese food with while watching Adult Swim repeats

Someone worth something

 

You would never expect it when it happened

In a dark corner by the utility shed

She kissed my lips and closed my eyes

Took us out of this world to paradise

To make everyone see that I love you

And you love me

 

Never again will I have that pleasure

That privilege, that chance

Her head tilted to the right, as I did mine

And our lips made contact
The ecstasy surrounded us

The feelings came like a truck load of bricks

Or an unwanted guest who wouldn't leave after a party

 

I wanted to make love to her
Since everything was possible at that point
We felt no pain together
No sorrow together
For her, I was the always the one I could never be
Never be
Never be

"Never be" is the right word right now
As I sit in my bedroom in front of a computer monitor
Listening to the music we would listen to together
"Am Fenster"
Uncertain of my future
Out of a future
No more forklifts
No more shenanigans

I lay quietly awake in my bed
In complete darkness
Waiting to go to sleep to face a new day
But I cannot with her racing through my mind
Her golden blonde hair and doppelganger personality to me
They say "opposites attract"
But I say those who believe that are the lucky ones

My luck ran out a long time ago
We got caught doing things we shouldn't have been doing
With our mobile phones
With our emotions
With our future
"You cannot see her" the elders said
"She is bad news"
I foolishly listened.

For weeks, I hid from her
Even though she wanted to see me
I could not see her
Even though I wanted to
The elders rewarded me for not seeing her
And I foolishly relished the rewards
But I still felt empty inside
Not being able to share and enjoy the rewards
With her

Why am I so alone?
Where is the girl I once called my everything?
Have I driven her away?
Is she gone?

Yes
No more blue skies with her
No more dates at the Chinese takeaway with her
No more hugging each other and telling ourselves everything will be okay
No more kisses
No more walking down the hallway with our arms wrapped around each other
No more imagination brainstorming for video game ideas and ridiculous porn plots
No more running off the school bus at the beginning of school just to see her before anyone else does
No more watching the world through her eyes
No more finishing what I begun with her
No more happy endings
No more "I love you"

This was three years ago
Three years later
The devils in my head cry
The devils scratch
Wanting to be out
I try to talk to her to apologize
She does not notice me
She leaves
I do not exist to her
I am dismissed
I passed on
I am no more
This Phil has ceased to be

Sometimes I dream a dream
A scary dream
I'm being led through a cemetery in a coffin
With a flag draped over it
And honor guards carrying me to my resting place
As they chant a familiar tune
"From a big bird in the sky"

"All will jump and some will die"
"Off to battle we will go"
"To live or die, hell I don't know"

That dream mirrored who wanted to be
And was scared to become
I was a paratrooper like my father was
I fought for my country's freedom like my grandfather did
And I'm being laid to rest like my brother is
Everyone in the crowd is crying
Perhaps this is all I wanted all along?
To die with something meaningful?
To die with a parachute on my back?
To die with a rifle in my hand?
To die with an enemy in my sights?

But in the crowd
In my dream
I can see her
Her golden hair reflecting the sunlight from the sun
Watching the service with a careful eye
It's finally a reality
This Phil has ceased to be
I am stardust
I am golden
I am back in the garden

But that is neither here nor there
I have tried to move on
I have met new people
New friends
New girls
But none are the same as her
I am clingy
I am obsessive
But at the end of the day, the old adage rules true
She introduced me
Through a Joni Mitchell song.

"We're captive on the carousel of time"
"We can't return we can only look behind"
"From where we came"
"And go round and round and round"
"In the circle game"

 

 

 

 

  • Spider-Vice, 018361 and Mick. like this

Mick.
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#2

Posted 22 April 2014 - 07:55 AM

Man, a sad poem.

I can relate to the whole 'death' part. I enjoyed it and I can tell it has came from the heart.
  • universetwisters likes this

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

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#3

Posted 22 April 2014 - 08:13 PM

Man, a sad poem.

I can relate to the whole 'death' part. I enjoyed it and I can tell it has came from the heart.

I know the feel dude. The sad dreams just hit you like a semi truck through a daycare center


Spider-Vice
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#4

Posted 22 April 2014 - 08:22 PM

That was... pretty damn good. I like the details you put into the poem, and it pretty much shows a poem doesn't need to rhyme to be good. I could really identify myself with that aswell, good job.

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gta dad
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#5

Posted 23 April 2014 - 07:12 AM

I honestly feel a lot of teenage angst in this. It was a good effort but personally the writing doesn't really leave much to the imagination. I think you can do a lot better, this poem shows to me that you have a pretty good imagination but when it comes to execution you seem to be lacking something. The flow of the poem is awkward and some parts just don't read well, other parts left me cringing a little because they felt a little tacky and forced

eg.  Why am I so alone?
Where is the girl I once called my everything?
Have I driven her away?
Is she gone?


It just sounds very cliche and it honestly reads like something I would find on a million LiveJournals in '06.

Don't take this feedback negatively, I'm only pointing this out so you can push yourself to create something better next time.

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AceRay
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#6

Posted 23 April 2014 - 07:48 AM Edited by AceRay, 23 April 2014 - 08:12 AM.

Looks like universetwisters had another breakup.

 

CRAWLIN IN MY SKIN!!!

THESE WOUNDS. THEY WILL. NOT HEAL!

FEAR. IS ALL. I FEEL!

CONFUSING WHAT IS REAL!

  • Mokrie Dela likes this

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

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#7

Posted 23 April 2014 - 11:00 PM

I honestly feel a lot of teenage angst in this. It was a good effort but personally the writing doesn't really leave much to the imagination. I think you can do a lot better, this poem shows to me that you have a pretty good imagination but when it comes to execution you seem to be lacking something. The flow of the poem is awkward and some parts just don't read well, other parts left me cringing a little because they felt a little tacky and forced

eg.  Why am I so alone?
Where is the girl I once called my everything?
Have I driven her away?
Is she gone?


It just sounds very cliche and it honestly reads like something I would find on a million LiveJournals in '06.

Don't take this feedback negatively, I'm only pointing this out so you can push yourself to create something better next time.

 

I think you're missing one of the first sentences I made "try to count how many song references you can find." That one you listed was from a CSNY song on the same topic. But I get the what you mean, though


gta dad
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#8

Posted 26 April 2014 - 06:28 AM

Well it's hard to take this work seriously if you're going to include song references in it.


Josh
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#9

Posted 26 April 2014 - 02:09 PM

So am I right in thinking that you've basically made a collage of songs that you like? The more I actually reread it, the more it looks like the true poetic images are provided by the songs that you've worked in there, and that you've just added stuff to it that doesn't really make much sense. The example would be the Lou Reed verse, where you probably sample too much of 'Perfect Day' and then counter that by talking about 'Adult Swim' and completely changing the tone of the verse right at the end.

 

There are also pieces where your song references detract from the rest of the work ("Am Fenster"). I've often mulled over the idea of doing a poem or song based on song references and quotes, and calling it 'Collage' or something like that. Your problem here seems to be that you didn't fully commit to doing that but still tried your best to shoehorn as many song quotes as you could into the piece.

 

In conclusion, I liked the premise, but I think next time you should either fully concentrate on your own voice, or fully concentrate on melding together the voices of the artists whose work you're using. But it was a reasonable effort, and if you were interested in making another attempt at it but going the whole way this time I would be very interested in reading it.

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universetwisters
  • universetwisters

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#10

Posted 28 April 2014 - 01:01 AM

^ I wouldn't call it a "collage" by definition. I guess it's got some elements of it, but for the most part they deal with the breakup. The first song, "Svoboda", me and my ex used to listen to. As "Am Fenster", for example. The song near the end was some old Paratrooper cadence that they would use to sing in my dad's airborne unit, which my ex used to be interested in. The last one references "The Circle Game", which has to do with moving on and not looking back on the past, something I cannot do very well, hence me writing this.

 

Sorry you didn't like it, though. I never expected it to get this popular and stuff, or at least get this many replies. For the most part, I just wrote this to vent my feels and the likes.





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