Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

DEAD MEAT

5 replies to this topic
AEsob
  • AEsob

    Player Hater

  • Members
  • Joined: 21 Mar 2014
  • India

#1

Posted 03 April 2014 - 04:18 PM

That night was cold and dark, like every other night since the boy died.I had first seen him when he was a small baby, and I was eleven years old. The boy's father had been with me since my father died, he was like my elder brother. Because of his trust in my potential, I grew up to join one of the deadliest intelligence organisations of the world, and then became the head of DASD...Defense and Sabotage department, RAW.

 

It was the worst winter of the decade in India. Delhi was under snow, Shajanabad was under snow…Aurangbad was under snow. Now I was standing about a hundred kilometres from Aurangbad, in front of an old Haveli, that stood here since Mughal age.

 

I’d tracked down the bitch. I’d tracked down the bitch who had shot the boy in the chest, who had deposed me, and it took me three damned years. Do forgive me if you think I am being bleak, but right then, I was consumed by thoughts of revenge.

 

Outside, my body was cold, it was snowing like confetti in the devil’s parade, but inside, my mind was boiling like Chernobyl. The guards supposed to guard the Haveli were dead, their limp bodies torn apart by my fuming shotgun. The snow was a new colour, red. I dropped the shotgun, and then pulled back the chain of the kit bag I had.

 

I pulled out the custom modified AK12 with red dot sight and suppressor. The sixty round clip clicked into place, and I pulled off the safety, Click, the new 7.62 mm round was loaded, ready to blow apart any head to come in its way. Then I placed two .480 Taurus Bull revolvers in the holsters under my jacket. If all else fail, or if I felt like it, I always had the extensions of my hands, my knives.

 

I looked at the Haveli. Poor thing, its medieval architecture and calligraphic designs marred by the brand new security items such as heartbeat sensors, eyeball sensors and lasers that I could see with my special espionage shades that were otherwise invisible to the naked eye.

 

None of their security equipment could stop me, because I had come up with the exceptionally brilliant and suicidal idea of breaching the front door and shooting any Smart ass who decided to face me.

 

I set up the breaching charge and set my back to the wall beside it. “Breaching”, I said to no one in particular. I let off the charge and the door blew up. Poor little oaken door, you stood here for a longer time than I did, goodbye. Tossing in a flashbang, I shouldered the rifle.

 

My name is Kabir Sheikh Alam, and I will have my revenge.

 

 

--------------

 

Hope you like it, just WIP, criticism is absolutely welcome, could use some new ideas too.

 

 

 

 


AEsob
  • AEsob

    Player Hater

  • Members
  • Joined: 21 Mar 2014
  • India

#2

Posted 05 April 2014 - 06:49 AM

Come on, some feedback?


AceRay
  • AceRay

    In my restless dreams, I see that town...

  • Members
  • Joined: 05 Oct 2010

#3

Posted 06 April 2014 - 05:24 AM

I guess you could say DEAD MEAT is now a DEAD THREAD.

 

Anywho, let's do this. Not going over grammar because f*ck that sh*t. Just know that there are some spaces missing after full stops.

 

That night was cold and dark, like every other night since the boy died.I had first seen him when he was a small baby, and I was eleven years old. The boy's father had been with me since my father died, he was like my elder brother. Because of his trust in my potential, I grew up to join one of the deadliest intelligence organisations of the world, and then became the head of DASD...Defense and Sabotage department, RAW.

 

This paragraph was way too dry and expositional for my liking. The opening line was okay because it gets the reader interested enough through the dead boy, but the rest seem like some sort of synopsis without any sort of intrigue. I think you could have implied this information through the story without having to explicitly tell the reader, like through character interactions or dialogue. Show, don't tell. Let the reader guess a little bit about his past, let them figure it out for themselves.

 

It was the worst winter of the decade in India. Delhi was under snow, Shajanabad was under snow…Aurangbad was under snow. Now I was standing about a hundred kilometres from Aurangbad, in front of an old Haveli, that stood here since Mughal age.

 

Not sure why there was an ellipsis after Aurangbad, because the story is a hundred kilometres from there. It didn't really tell me anything about the actual setting of where the Haveli is, other than its snowing and its stood there since the Mughal age. I would have described the environments or the sounds or the sights that the main character is feeling at this moment, this was far too short to derive any sort of emotion from.

Also, I had no idea what a Haveli was and had to google what it was. This is bad because it takes the reader away from the story and into the chasm of the internet. I thought it was like a section of a slum or something, but turns out its a mansion, just adding "an old mansion that stood here..." would have cleared it up.

 

I’d tracked down the bitch. I’d tracked down the bitch who had shot the boy in the chest, who had deposed me, and it took me three damned years. Do forgive me if you think I am being bleak, but right then, I was consumed by thoughts of revenge.

A bit confused about the timeline of events of this story here. Earlier, he said he had become the head of DASD, but he did that in just three years? Or did the boy get killed after he was the head, and it took him 3 years to find her. I think the phrasing of the first paragraph was a bit off, it made it sound like the boy got shot, and then the MC (main character) joined the ranks.
The tense is off. 'Right then, I was consumed' is past tense, but in the last paragraph he said "now I'm standing in front of..." It makes it very confusing to read. Either the MC is talking about things as they happen or he's talking about it in the past tense, like the two of you have sat down at a table and he started telling you a story. The only other option I can think of is that he's already got revenge on her and he's returned back to the, but

I think "Maybe I was being a bit too bleak" is better than "Do forgive me if you think I am being bleak" because the latter addresses the audience directly in kind of an awkward way. If you're going for that, you should really set it up from the beginning of the story.

Outside, my body was cold, it was snowing like confetti in the devil’s parade, but inside, my mind was boiling like Chernobyl. The guards supposed to guard the Haveli were dead, their limp bodies torn apart by my fuming shotgun. The snow was a new colour, red. I dropped the shotgun, and then pulled back the chain of the kit bag I had.

 

Font was a slightly bigger font than the rest of the tale, I don't know why.

Liked this paragraph, the imagery created wasn't half bad. I would have dropped "outside" because its unnessary for the sentence and doesn't add anything. The snow thing was pretty nice.

Why drop the shotgun though? Why not just put it into the bag? And why wasn't the shotgun already in the bag?

 

I pulled out the custom modified AK12 with red dot sight and suppressor. The sixty round clip clicked into place, and I pulled off the safety, Click, the new 7.62 mm round was loaded, ready to blow apart any head to come in its way. Then I placed two .480 Taurus Bull revolvers in the holsters under my jacket. If all else fail, or if I felt like it, I always had the extensions of my hands, my knives.

Mmmmmmm, gun porn. But what the f*ck are "extensions of my hands?" At first I thought that was the MC's fists, but then I realized you meant the knives. In that case, you really need to use the dreaded semi colon (;) between 'hands' and 'my' because otherwise its hard to follow because it sounds like he's talking about two seperate things, extensions of his hands and his knives, when really they're the same thing.

 

I looked at the Haveli. Poor thing, its medieval architecture and calligraphic designs marred by the brand new security items such as heartbeat sensors, eyeball sensors and lasers that I could see with my special espionage shades that were otherwise invisible to the naked eye.

Didn't he just shoot a whole bunch of people though? With a shotgun? Those things are really loud, and if he could just run in the front door and start shooting people immediately as we find out later, then surely the guards would have heard the shots fired and ran out while he was getting his guns.

 

None of their security equipment could stop me, because I had come up with the exceptionally brilliant and suicidal idea of breaching the front door and shooting any Smart ass who decided to face me

 

Again, what's the deal with the stealth? He just shot people.

And what are "special espionage shades?" Do you mean heat vision or night vision goggles? Or just spy sunglasses? Because I would imagine you wouldn't be able to see anything if it was "cold and dark" and you were wearing shades at the same time, I'm surprised he can manage to see anything at all.

 

I set up the breaching charge and set my back to the wall beside it. “Breaching”, I said to no one in particular. I let off the charge and the door blew up. Poor little oaken door, you stood here for a longer time than I did, goodbye. Tossing in a flashbang, I shouldered the rifle.

Why did he say breaching? And if it was such a 'poor little' oaken door, couldn't he just break it down with his foot? I think he's breaching because he wants to catch them by surprise, but they already know he's there. Surely there'd be cameras RIGHT OUTSIDE the front door if this was such a high tech place, why wouldn't there be? He's just shot people too, so the guards on the otherside already know he's coming and would've shot him already.  And why would anybody goodbye to a door? I could understand theorizing about how it will be destoryed and the loss of value or whatever, but its just an object that holds nothing of sentimental value to the MC.

 

My name is Kabir Sheikh Alam, and I will have my revenge.

Yeah this is fine.

 

I guess it was okay, let's see how the next part turns out.


Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    The vulgar, Irish, writer!

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 May 2007
  • United-Kingdom
  • Contribution Award [Expression]

#4

Posted 06 April 2014 - 09:37 AM Edited by Ziggy455, 06 April 2014 - 09:37 AM.

Ace has marked up the key points so I'll just come in with this stuff here.

 

Reading this, I can tell it's borrowed a lot of examples from Max Payne, from the actually taken line of:

 

Outside, my body was cold, it was snowing like confetti in the devil’s parade,

 

To the setup of your character going through the front doors of a big building, getting past the security system on a whim of crazy badassness, and being in one of the worst snowstorms in history.

 

The most important thing here for me to say is show don't tell. You're bogging us down with too much information which isn't critical to the scene, it's critical to the story, but we don't need to know that yet. In fact, I'll use Max Payne as an example.

 

The story starts with cops responding to an 'Officer in Danger' call from a cop and we see Max Payne above, on the Aesir Plaza's roof. We don't know why he's up there, or why there's cops on the way. Do you see? What would the story be like if Max suddenly blurted out "They were all dead. The final gunshot was an exclamation mark to everything that had lead up to this point because the woman called Nicole Horne had sent V junkies to my house to kill my wife and now I'd killed her." 

 

Max Payne'd have been a hell of a lot shorter. 

 

Don't tell us anything beyond the scene itself. Don't tell us why he's doing what he's doing right now, let the reader casually figure it out. Upload another chapter and we'll see how it goes from there. 


Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • Members
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#5

Posted 07 April 2014 - 12:52 PM Edited by Mokrie Dela, 07 April 2014 - 12:58 PM.

I can't really add to anything Ace or Ziggy have said, but I do feel I have to play sheriff for a second:

 

Come on, some feedback?

None of this please. This section can be slow at times, and it could be a week before anyone reads this - be patient! Ziggy and Ace are two great people to have reading your work, worth ten of "casual" readers as they offer some great feedback at times. If you want more people reading, put a little request in the GFX section for a sig to advertise your story - people might then click it :)

 

One thing I will say, which i think Ziggs touched on, is that you've given us too much information - you've told us he wants revenge and why, when I feel those questions might be better left open for a while - let the reader slowly figure out what he's doing, as Ziggy said, and try to find the right moment to tell us why - too soon, and you lose the suspense/mystery. Too late, and you risk stringing it out. Try to also let your character shine through a bit - don't rush too much to move it along, but also don't get bogged down in details - ask yourself this: Is it critical that the reader knows this bit of information? Can the story move on without it? Does it help set the scene and have you worded it as best you can? Remember what Ziggs said - show, don't tell - show us the snow falling, instead of telling us that it is. In my newest story, I've actually tried to avoid saying snow, instead describing the scene - a white blanket, for example. Be creative :D

Good luck, keep up the work, and I'll check this out (I've only had a quick read) soon!


AEsob
  • AEsob

    Player Hater

  • Members
  • Joined: 21 Mar 2014
  • India

#6

Posted 24 April 2014 - 11:03 AM Edited by AEsob, 01 May 2014 - 11:36 AM.

Prologue

 

3 January 2018                                                                                               0200 hours

 

100 kilometres from Shahjahanabad

 

The night was cold and dark, like every other night since the boy died. Five years ago, I gifted him a bow to practice archery, and now I was sneaking in a bush with that bow.

 

It was snowing like hell, and no one had expected this temperature in UP right now. In front of me, the new DASD headquarters stood out like Aurangzeb himself; dark, gloomy, murderous. I smirked, DASD, a place to call home, well, it once was, at least three years ago.

 

Do you want to know what messed it up? The food chain. I was at the top, the director; below me was my faithful friend and advisor Miss Cathy Janus. I relied on her, maybe too much, and maybe that’s what caused her to depose me and shoot the boy I considered my son.

 

Who gives a damn? All I know is that she shot him twice at point blank, with a Bull .480, and a bullet of that calibre doesn’t forgive.

 

I placed the bow under the bush, knowing that you must keep away from emotional stimulus when you are about to kill someone. In front of me, two of Cathy’s lackeys, dressed in jackets and pants guarded the front door of the DASD HQ; a Haveli (large mansion) built in later Mughal period. The time when Mughals had nothing left but tradition, weak rulers, Ego and ambition.

 

The front door flew open, and another similarly attired man with a shotgun walked up to them, then the huge oaken doors closed. Lights flickered, and all was darkness, my EMP emission unit was in place and I had about ten minutes to devise a way to get in before power came back.

 

That night, god must have starched his head, Dandruff fell, and the whole world was a thick, white blanket. I was cold, and my Index and middle fingers and my thumb were numb. I cursed silently; it had been a mistake to choose marksmanship gloves over regular ones.

 

I made a quick search for guards which felt awkward as there only two outside, one throwing plates into the sky and the other trying to shoot those plates, mostly missing.  He was definitely new, given the bickering over the other’s teaching skills and the weight of a shotgun. I found my way to go inside.

 

I had special customised shades that I received as a gift during my tenure as director,

The shades had NVG, Thermal, an attached red dot emitter, in-built binoculars and an accuracy meter. Added to that they were extremely fancy, and went well with any clothes.

 

I wish I could tell you more about the architecture, but I was too consumed to notice.

It was cold, very cold outside, but my mind was a volcano waiting to erupt after a long time, to wreck anything that comes near its reach. I pulled back the chain of the kit bag I had, and pulled out a SPAS 12. I had two shotgun shells, and two people to kill.

 

I loaded the slugs, one-by-one, and the pushed the grip upwards to load it in the barrel. Now, I was ready to blow off their heads.

 

Five minutes later

 

The white blanket had a new colour, red. Limp bodies torn asunder by a shotgun. I dropped the SPAS; I had no more use of it, and then pulled out a modified AK12 from the kit bag. The Kalashnikov had dark furniture, foregrip, red dot sight and a skeleton stock.

 

 I loaded a sixty round 7.62 mm casket clip and pulled back the innovative switch meant to load a bullet into the barrel. A sound of Click-Jhak assured me that my weapon was ready. I also had two Bull .480 revolvers with me, and if all else failed, waiting to kill were my most treasured and useful weapons, my knives, my skills and my brain.

 

I could just wait there for everyone to come out and then shoot them in the head, but maybe I’d drank too many vodkas, because what I came up with was to blow up the front door with five kilos of C4. No, I had something even better. I was going to blow up the whole building to ‘kingdom come’ with a fifteen kilo mortar that I kept in my kit bag just in case. Within a minute, the mortar was ready and then...

 

All hell broke loose as two mortar shells, one after the other, hit the server room of the building. I knew where it was, I’d built it myself.

 

The silent, serene background was shattered. The sky lit up as blazing fire scorched the surface, the accumulated snow turned to water, flooding the roads. The cars in the parking lot began wailing, piles of rubble pinning them to the floor, and gore mixed with water to create murky surroundings.

 

I knew Cathy wasn’t here, she was in London, having tea with the queen, but now she had no one to protect her, besides, this was good psychological influence. She deserved sleepless nights.

 

Within an hour, I disappeared into the night, and wailing of the emergency services served as background music to the mayhem I had started.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So, I wrote the chapter again, put a lot of work into this, and I barely get a little free time due to my preparations for the PHD course. I hope to get feedback soon.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users