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Need help faking my own death.

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Forty
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#1

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:43 AM

I work with this girl who has, for some reason or another, convinced herself that I am going to be her new boyfriend.

Luckily, she's part time. But whenever she works, she f*cking straight up coon fingers the sh*t out of me. Cannot keep her hands off of me. She practically gave me a breast exam today.

It's slowly started leaking into my personal life. She got my cell phone number off a company emergency directory and now sends me text messages. At least three or four a day-- none of which I respond to.

She added me on Facebook, which I accepted like an idiot. She spammed the sh*t out of my page until I started getting comments from other, you know, real friends who started wondering who she was. I had to resort to deleting my page.

Saturday night, she out-and-out propositioned me via text message. I didn't respond and laughed it off when I saw her at work today.

Before you ask, no, she is not attractive. She is an absolute beast, sea-beast, wildebeest, Dr. Hank McCoy AKA Beast, Paul's Boutique, second album from the Beastie Boys.

Straight up swamp donkey.

Here's what I would like to happen... ideally. I'd like for her to leave me alone forever without me having to say anything to her. I might just sh*t myself in front of her-- but with my luck, she'd be into it...

So, for now, I'm sticking with a stalwart front of tactical ineptitude co-mingling with a graceful haplessness. There are some people that like being fawned over-- even if it's from someone they find completely repugnant. I am not one of those people.
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Mr. House
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#2

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:45 AM

You could just actually kill her instead. Much less hassle, much easier to cover up well.

  • Moonshield, Xcommunicated, OH NO and 16 others like this

Finn 7 five 11
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#3

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:46 AM

Not sure about the faking death thing, but I recommend you wear a fake moustache, that'll fool her.
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Johan
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#4

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:48 AM

Annoy her... I did that with my last ex from a year ago last week, she told me off and deleted my number. 

 

Works every time.


Ermac.
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#5

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:48 AM

Try telling her that you're gay and you have no penis.

 

 

 

 

If that doesn't work, then yeah, you'll probably have to kill her like Nale suggested. Use an icicle and no one will be the wiser.


Trinette
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#6

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:49 AM

Wear a giant sign on your body saying "Not Forty".

 

It'll completely throw her and everyone off, leaving them dazed. :ph34r: :ph34r:

  • universetwisters likes this

Osho
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#7

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:51 AM

 

I work with this girl

 

How'll you even manage to work thereafter, if she's going to know about you anyhow.

 

How difficult is to tell her that you're already engaged to somebody or something like that. Rather faking death, be forthright


Frank Brown
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#8

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:52 AM

Give your two week notice. On the last day, buy a rag and some chloroform, knock her out in the middle of the store and bring her to her home. Put her in her pajamas (if she wears any) and then into bed. Never return to that store.


Mr. House
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#9

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:52 AM

You could also take a sh*t on her doorway, in front of her to see if that scares her off before more extreme measures are taken

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JIMHO
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#10

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:55 AM Edited by JIMHO, 27 February 2014 - 05:56 AM.

Have you told her you're not interested? Have you said you don't go out with coworkers? Isn't there some kind of policy against this everywhere? Those were good advice to me in a similar situation. 


Finn 7 five 11
  • Finn 7 five 11

    Well I'm sorry, Princess.

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#11

Posted 27 February 2014 - 05:59 AM


 


I work with this girl

 
How'll you even manage to work thereafter, if she's going to know about you anyhow.
 

Fake moustache dude...have you never heard of a disguise?
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EyeMacHunt
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#12

Posted 27 February 2014 - 06:00 AM

Before you ask, no, she is not attractive. She is an absolute beast, sea-beast, wildebeest, Dr. Hank McCoy AKA Beast, Paul's Boutique, second album from the Beastie Boys.

Straight up swamp donkey.
 

 

Seems Casey Donovan is back on the prowl after her recent catfish adventure.


DarthShinobi
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#13

Posted 27 February 2014 - 06:02 AM

Report her for sexual harrasmemt. Problem solved.
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EphemeralStar
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#14

Posted 27 February 2014 - 07:06 AM

Honestly, you have to be very blunt with someone like this in this situation. Use direct language and tell her that she needs to stop and that her actions are making you very uncomfortable. If she continues the behaviour and if it intensifies, yeah, you can report her for harassment. Also, maybe ask your friends to help you tell her to stop too. 

  • Kristian. likes this

na89340qv0n34b09q340
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#15

Posted 27 February 2014 - 07:13 AM

OP, I was playing nationstates a few minutes a go, and reading the replies in this thread a few minutes after that, and it gave me an idea:

 

During the last Hotdogkennethsisland Athletics Championship, a massive controversy arose following the revelation that double gold medalist Atlanta Johnson possesses both male and female sexual organs, despite being entirely female in external appearance.

 

What if you tried telling her that you were competing for the olympics, and would be moving out for training and deployment soon. It would be so romantic, like when the soldier leaves their wife and has an affair with the asian woman during world war 2, and tbh I think olympic athletes get more respect. :)


Crazyeighties
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#16

Posted 27 February 2014 - 07:55 AM

Just report her to you bosses file a formal complaint. That simple

NightSpectre
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#17

Posted 27 February 2014 - 08:12 AM

Just call the cops for harassment.


Mr.Scratch
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#18

Posted 27 February 2014 - 08:24 AM

Time to put LAZARUS into play then, get a bouncy castle and jump on it from a building while she watches.
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uNi
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#19

Posted 27 February 2014 - 09:24 AM

Pic or GTFO

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Eris
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#20

Posted 27 February 2014 - 09:54 AM

Pic or GTFO

Agreed. It's easy to convince yourself someone's ugly when you're not interested in. I want to see some proof. 


Travís.
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#21

Posted 27 February 2014 - 10:00 AM

Why don't you block her number, block her on facebook, and tell your boss she is sexually harassing you, hopefully she'll get fired. :lol:


Melchior
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#22

Posted 27 February 2014 - 10:06 AM

I feel compelled to advise you to seek help, as you are being stalked and harassed. Although, were it me, I would just have lots of nasty sex with her and leech off of her financially. Constant f*cking while she's home, buying pizza and beer on her credit card while she's at work. Oh, to be loved.

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Slave Boy
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#23

Posted 27 February 2014 - 10:08 AM Edited by Graven, 27 February 2014 - 10:11 AM.

Fake dumb, it's much easier.
Or start talking politics.

Mr.Scratch
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#24

Posted 27 February 2014 - 10:13 AM

Tell her you woke up this morning and suddenly became gay.
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gnad.1992
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#25

Posted 27 February 2014 - 10:53 AM

I'll wait for you to post her pic before i give you any advice

phunkism
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#26

Posted 27 February 2014 - 10:59 AM

Please tell me you are not serious


The Yokel
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#27

Posted 27 February 2014 - 11:03 AM

Faking death is too complicated. Have you considered actual suicide? It's much more effective. Solves all your life problems permanently.

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RoadRunner71
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#28

Posted 27 February 2014 - 11:09 AM

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Melchior
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#29

Posted 27 February 2014 - 11:14 AM

As for faking your own death, I wish I could give you some advice man, but my father died while faking his own death, so it's a bit of an emotional subject for me.


Fireman
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#30

Posted 27 February 2014 - 11:17 AM Edited by Fireman, 27 February 2014 - 11:18 AM.

Get a live hog and a car.

 

Drive to a rail depot and kill the pig and use the pig to bleed all over the interior of the car. Don't forget to take the receipt out of the trunk of the car before you leave. 

 

Leave behind your wallet and glasses and ta-da, you're done.

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