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Food for Thought.

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Eris
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#1

Posted 15 February 2014 - 09:38 AM Edited by Nipperkins, 15 February 2014 - 09:39 AM.

…finally, the vault doors opened.  Inside, on an ivory pillar no more than a few feet tall, laid a scroll. Around it was a brass band, with the Pashupati Seal emblazed in white-gold. Though doubtlessly thousands of years old, it was untouched by time. The band and papyrus looked as new as the day it was made, a testament to the ingenuity of its creators.

 

The scroll had a certain aura about it, one of warm. Not a comforting warmth however, a warmth of unease, its presence seemed to fill the dig team with trepidation and dread.

 

“It’s clear whoever built this place didn't intend it as a test. They wanted to hide the scroll from the world. We need to turn back.”

 

“Are you mad Adams? Years of research and millions of dollars didn't go into this project just to turn back on verge of discovery.”

 

“In the eleven years on this site we haven’t had a single fatality. Just today we lost eight diggers… and the lunar eclipse last night? I’m sorry Doctor, but whatever- whoever is responsible for this temple did not want its secrets shared.”

 

“Bah, I have no time for your omens. I am the one in charge, and I say we finish today what so many have dedicated their lives to. Huxley, you claim to read Harappan. Decipher the scroll. I don’t want that bitch Fitzpatrick to claim any responsibility for our discovery.”

 

“Are you sure Clark? We really should take it back to the lab first”

 

“I’m tired of my underlings undermining my authority! When I say read, read it!”

 

“As you wish sir”

 

Huxley started towards the pillar. Every step closer to his destination seemed increasingly difficult. His feet felt like lead, his legs felt full of jelly. Daggers tore at his gut. Heart beats sounded like funeral bells, tolling only for him. He tried to look back, turn back, but he couldn’t. The only member of his own funeral procession.

 

Was he gasping on air, or choking on it? It was cool in the vault, but his body was aflame. Beads of sweat poured down his face, boiling him in his perspiration. The pillar was only a couple yards away, but he spent a lifetime staggering towards it. With every stride he looked back on all the misdeeds and errors of his life. The guilt took everything he had and replaced it with nothing. Before he even touched the scroll, Huxley the man was dead, only an empty husk remained.

 

“Let’s hurry this up Huxley!” Cried out Adams, “We don’t have all day!”

 

The Husk finally reached the pillar. What was no taller than a child was now a monolith, imposing its might over the room. A mechanical arm reached out to grab the scroll, the band falling off as soon as the claw grabbed it. The Shell of Huxley unraveled the scroll. As soon as its eyes lay upon the text, they eyes turned black. The husk droned out…


GODHEAD. WE ARE THE GODHEAD. THE GODS PLAY THE MUSIC AND THE MORTALS SING. STARS ARE BORN. STARS SHINE. STARS BURN AND THEN THEY DIE. IF YOU TRIP FALL INTO THE SKY. THE SKY IS THE WALL. THE EARTH IS A PRISON AND THE HEAVENS ARE THE MOAT. THE UNIVERSE IS AN EGG AND TIME IS THE YOLK. THE ONLY ONE WHO RESTRICTS US IN YOU. THE SELF IS A LIE. WE ARE THE SELF. THE CHILDREN CRY. THEIR TEARS ARE THE WATER OF OUR SALVATION. I HAVE SEEN THEM CRYING. YOU CAN’T IMAGINE THE HORROR. SEE THE HORROR. THE FEAR IS THE GREATEST OBSTACLE. THE PAIN IN TEMPORARY. IT WILL SET YOU FREE. EVERYTHING WILL END THE WAY IT BEGAN. DARKNESS. SPARK. FIRE. LIGHT. BRING THE KINDLING. THE SPARK OF YOUR ENLIGHTENMENT WILL BE THE FIRE OF YOUR DOOM. THIS WILL END. EVERYTHING ENDS. YOU CANNOT STOP IT. YOU MUST REMOVE YOURSELF.


0111010101101110011010010111010001111001001000000110100101110011001000000111010001101000011001010010000001101011011001010111100100100000011101000110111100100000011100110110000101101100011101100110000101110100011010010110111101101110

 

The research team vanished. The vault doors closed. The scroll lies upon the pillar.


Ziggy455
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#2

Posted 19 February 2014 - 04:14 PM

Well, this little beauty slipped through my grasp. Giving it a read now, I was intrigued from the second I started. I'll start off with a normal breakdown of the aesthetics, and then I'll get into the story.

 

 

“Are you sure Clark? We really should take it back to the lab first”

 

Make sure you always put full stops at the end of your dialogue. This is most likely just an oversight because I've seen you do it to other lines of dialogue. It's not a big deal, but pays off on the reader knowing that you know your sh*t and take the time to look over your work. There's a few mis-spelt words and errors which I'm sure a second readthrough would fix. 

 

Story-wise, like many similar fables (Solomon's mines, The Mummy) the idea of the Mohenjo Daro and its mysteries intrigues me. I like the way you add fear and horror into the way the tomb turns onto the explorers. 

 

 

The pillar was only a couple yards away, but he spent a lifetime staggering towards it.

 

 I really liked this line. It was so smooth and just fit perfectly. It makes a lot of sense and just spurred me on to read, because it's only short but gives us a lot into the character of Huxley.

 

 

111010101101110011010010111010001111001001000000110100101110011001000000111010001101000011001010010000001101011011001010111100100100000011101000110111100100000011100110110000101101100011101100110000101110100011010010110111101101110

 

"Unity is the key to salvation." 

 

I am intrigued by this and would like to see where you go once you improve the general little things. Not bad, but I can't give you a deeper insight to the writing portion until you show a little more. 


Eris
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#3

Posted 22 February 2014 - 10:37 PM

Yeah, there are a few things I would change. I wrote this at about three in the morning when the idea came into my mind and fell asleep soon after I read through it once. I don't know if I will expand on it. 


Ziggy455
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#4

Posted 23 February 2014 - 04:12 AM

Seems pretty diverse for this place. I'd read it if you continued.

Mokrie Dela
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#5

Posted 23 February 2014 - 03:17 PM

Huxley started towards the pillar. Every step closer to his destination seemed increasingly difficult. His feet felt like lead, his legs felt full of jelly. Daggers tore at his gut. Heart beats sounded like funeral bells, tolling only for him. He tried to look back, turn back, but he couldn’t. The only member of his own funeral procession.

Man I like that passage. 

 

Was he gasping on air, or choking on it? It was cool in the vault, but his body was aflame. Beads of sweat poured down his face, boiling him in his perspiration. The pillar was only a couple yards away, but he spent a lifetime staggering towards it. With every stride he looked back on all the misdeeds and errors of his life. The guilt took everything he had and replaced it with nothing. Before he even touched the scroll, Huxley the man was dead, only an empty husk remained.

 

“Let’s hurry this up Huxley!” Cried out Adams, “We don’t have all day!”

 

The Husk finally reached the pillar. What was no taller than a child was now a monolith, imposing its might over the room. A mechanical arm reached out to grab the scroll, the band falling off as soon as the claw grabbed it. The Shell of Huxley unraveled the scroll. As soon as its eyes lay upon the text, they eyes turned black. The husk droned out…

GODHEAD. WE ARE THE GODHEAD. THE GODS PLAY THE MUSIC AND THE MORTALS SING. STARS ARE BORN. STARS SHINE. STARS BURN AND THEN THEY DIE. IF YOU TRIP FALL INTO THE SKY. THE SKY IS THE WALL. THE EARTH IS A PRISON AND THE HEAVENS ARE THE MOAT. THE UNIVERSE IS AN EGG AND TIME IS THE YOLK. THE ONLY ONE WHO RESTRICTS US IN YOU. THE SELF IS A LIE. WE ARE THE SELF. THE CHILDREN CRY. THEIR TEARS ARE THE WATER OF OUR SALVATION. I HAVE SEEN THEM CRYING. YOU CAN’T IMAGINE THE HORROR. SEE THE HORROR. THE FEAR IS THE GREATEST OBSTACLE. THE PAIN IN TEMPORARY. IT WILL SET YOU FREE. EVERYTHING WILL END THE WAY IT BEGAN. DARKNESS. SPARK. FIRE. LIGHT. BRING THE KINDLING. THE SPARK OF YOUR ENLIGHTENMENT WILL BE THE FIRE OF YOUR DOOM. THIS WILL END. EVERYTHING ENDS. YOU CANNOT STOP IT. YOU MUST REMOVE YOURSELF.

0111010101101110011010010111010001111001001000000110100101110011001000000111010001101000011001010010000001101011011001010111100100100000011101000110111100100000011100110110000101101100011101100110000101110100011010010110111101101110

 

The research team vanished. The vault doors closed. The scroll lies upon the pillar.

This is certainly interesting. Very curious. It reminds me of Assassin's Creed meets The Mummy... Definitely a lot of questions raised and answers I'm sure we all want. But if it's just a one shot, it's too open ended. In some ways I hope you continue it, but if you just wrote this and uploaded it it's unlikely there's a clear story arc. If there is, write that down!

Intriguing.

 

I would, however, removed the capitals from the penultimate passage. It feels too much like you're shouting at us. Instead perhaps italics would be better.





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