8 replies to this topic

[Vercetti42]

Hey guys, this is a short GTA-Fanfic. It's pretty much an idea I had about. It's about Roman coming to America in 1998 seeking the American dream. Note that all conversations are in Serbian:

 

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Today is the day. I leave my family, my cousin, my country in search for every mortal mans thirst, the American Dream.

 

This was the only thought that rolled through Roman Bellic's brain, like a slow tape-record. He felt both excitement and fear. It was a new place, new soil, new people, new everything.

 

They say it is the land of opportunity thought Roman as the boat neared the land, the skyline becoming clearer and clearer. They say it is called Liberty City. They say it is the American dream every man has!

 

He then remembered his mother, his aunt, his cousin. He had left them, back in his war-torn country. He had promised to keep in touch, but he had also promised that he would never return.

 

It was a sickening feeling that crashed into his stomach but he pushed it away. What choice did he have? He had to leave, he couldn't stay back there. His cousin would be coming after the war, but that could be months, years, decades. After all he could have died by then, but no he said hitting himself hard on his head, he should push that thought away from his head.

 

At last, the skyline became clearer than ever, the port was also clearly visible. He felt the excitement and fear running up his chest. He soon began clearing out his room, taking all his things, he was going to set foot on America at last.

 

"Hey Roman, we're going to dock any minute now. You ready?" asked a voice in Serbian.

 

"I'm coming Stefan"

 

Stefan was Roman's friend from Serbia. He had come with him to America, also in search of the American dream. He was a thin but tall man with a goatee. He had brown hair but there was a bald spot in the middle.

 

Roman packed up all his things and gave the room one last look just as Stefan came bursting into the room.

 

"Are you even done yet?
"Hey, I was just giving one last look before.."

"Before what?"

"Before we set foot in America of course"

"Ah, yes, very clear and informational, I thought I'd figured that out myself. Come on now, else we'll be going back on the boat back to Serbia"

 

Roman knew that Stefan was slightly annoyed by the delay and nodded and followed him through the door.

 

They walked through the ship to the top-deck. Every second Roman kept turning his head to look at the massive, yet beautiful, Liberty City skyline. He felt that he could not hold that excitement anymore.

 

As they walked on the top-deck, Roman turned to Stefan:

 

"Hey you have any idea what you are going to do in Liberty City?" Roman asked Stefan.

 

"I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet" replied Stefan.

 

"They say it is the land of opportunity"

"It sure does look like it"

"I'm thinking of living the dream, you know? Get a nice mansion, live the life!"

"I suppose that would be nice but I have other plans"

"What plans?"

"I'd like to keep them to myself. Now we should really move on"

 

They picked up their luggage and came down the steps. At long last the two of them took their first steps in America. Roman had another feeling mixing with is excitement and fear. It felt different and that feeling could not be described.

 

Roman looked around. There was their ship neatly docked. He spotted some workers chatting to each other next to a big crane. But he had no idea what to do next, but he was still grinning and he turned to Stefan who was wearing a smile on his face.

 

"Well what do we now?" Roman asked Stefan.

 

Stefan turned to him, still grinning. He said "One of the guys in the ship said that the place we are right now in is called Broker. There is a man here who can find us some jobs. The guy on the ship gave me the directions. Come on."

[Tycek]

Yugoslavian war ended in 1995 and which is further confirmed by Florian things that happened to Niko occured 12-13 years ago making it 95-96. Roman left former Yugoslavia in 1998. Sure there was still Kosovo war, but I doubt it had so much influence on Roman's family. 

 

Roman's mother was probably dead before he was leaving, because it's said that Niko told him she died in the fire of the house. 

 

Why the hell Roman is going to LC by ship? Simply, because you wanted to almost copy the scene from IV along with some quotes. We had planes back in '98, you know, so I guess Roman was getting to US by plane. He very likely spent some time in some immigration camp, where most of the people escaping from their country were relocated. 

[Vercetti42]

Thanks Tycek. I only posted this because I wanted to see what people think of the concept but thanks for your input.

[Mokrie Dela]

Usual thing - notes in blue, additions in green, deletions in red.

Hey guys, this is a short GTA-Fanfic. It's pretty much an idea I had about. It's about Roman coming to America in 1998 seeking the American dream. Note that all conversations are in Serbian:

 

You should never have to say this in a story. There are small things you can do, such as saying "he said in his native tongue" but mostly, throw in the odd serbian word here and there.

-------------------------------------------

 

Today is the day. I leave my family, my cousin, my country in search for every mortal mans thirst, the American Dream.

 

My first issue is this: Roman currently lives in Serbia, with the war and all that. So how does he know about the American Dream? Has he learned it from TV? Magazines? Friends? I think a little elaboration would be nice here, but i guess it's a small niggle.

 

This was the only thought that rolled through Roman Bellic's brain, like a slow tape-record. He felt both excitement and fear. It was a new place, new soil, new people, new everything.

 

They say it is the land of opportunity, thought Roman as the boat neared the land, the skyline becoming clearer and clearer. They say it is called Liberty City. They say it is the American dream every man has!

Separate Roman's thoughts from narration. Usually with italics. It makes it easier to read. Remember your voice here - is it the narrator or is is Roman's monologue?

 

He then remembered his mother, his aunt, his cousin. He had left them, back in his war-torn country. He had promised to keep in touch, but he had also promised that he would never return.
 

It was a sickening feeling that crashed into his stomach but he pushed it away. What choice did he have? He had to leave, he couldn't stay back there. His cousin would be coming after the war, but that could be months, years, decades. After all he could have died by then, but no he said hitting himself hard on his head, he should push that thought away from his head.

 

At last, the skyline became clearer than ever, the port was also clearly visible.

Too vague for my liking. You said earlier it was getting clearer, but here show it to us. What, is it foggy? Are towering cranes reaching out to him through the fog, golden speckles of light glowing from distant buildings, the long, concrete dock coming into focus, men in high-vis jackets scuttling around like worker ants? Show us the scene in detail - put us in Roman's shoes, and show this new place as a character. Roman's excited and scared, but the reader can't be when you say "the skyline" - personify the city; does it look intimidating, with buildings clawing at the foggy sky? Or welcoming?

 

He felt the excitement and fear running up his chest. He soon began clearing out his room, taking all his things, he was going to set foot on American soil at last.

I changed this, simply because "set foot on america" doesn't work for me.
 

"Hey Roman, we're going to dock any minute now. You ready?" asked a voice in Serbian.

 

"I'm coming Stefan."

 

Stefan was Roman's friend from Serbia. He had come with him to America, also in search of the American dream. He was a thin but tall man with a goatee. He had brown hair but there was a bald spot in the middle.

 

Now if you remember the start of IV, there's a brief conversation between Niko and another shipmate, where Niko explains Roman and stuff. It's a good way of showing some detail without describing it - having Roman comment: "There she is, Stefan, the land of opportunity. The statue of happiness."
"Liberty City - let us hope we find freedom here."
"We will. We will have mansions, fast cars, ladies with big, firm american titties! That is the american dream!"

It might, however, not be the style choice you want, and that's find, but you could through a little more character into the dialogue here, and get some information over to the reader at the same time. Nothing wrong here technically, however.

 

Roman packed up all his things and gave the room one last look just as Stefan came bursting into the room.

 

"Are you even done yet?
"Hey, I was just giving one last look before.."

"Before what?"

"Before we set foot in America of course"

"Ah, yes, very clear and informational, I thought I'd figured that out myself. Come on now, else we'll be going back on the boat back to Serbia"

I don't quite understand this bit....

 

Roman knew that Stefan was slightly annoyed by the delay and nodded and followed him through the door.

 

They walked through the ship to the top-deck. Every second Roman kept turning his head to look at the massive, yet beautiful, Liberty City skyline. He felt that he could not hold that excitement anymore.

Again, we're focusing on the skyline. I can't help but feel you're missing a shedload of detail here. If they're about to dock, they'd be close enough to see the streets, cars, maybe pedestrians, the distant bridges (a sentence about how the bridges are opportunistic, perhaps?), the dock itself. The skyline is something that youd see from a distance, but now we're obviously close, show us the other details!

 

As they walked on the top-deck, Roman turned to Stefan:

A simple full stop will suffice here.
 

"Hey you have any idea what you are going to do in Liberty City?" Roman asked Stefan. Unneeded - "he said" would work or have Roman say "Stefan, have you any idea what you are going to do here?"

 

"I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet," replied Stefan.

 

"They say it is the land of opportunity."

"It sure does look like it."

"I'm thinking of living the dream, you know? Get a nice mansion, live the life!"

"I suppose that would be nice but I have other plans."

"What plans?"

"I'd like to keep them to myself. Now we should really move on." Remember your fullstops! Good little conversation here - as i said previously. Having roman SAY it's the land of opportunity works more than telling us it through narration, and there's no need to repeat is as both.

 

They picked up their luggage and came down the steps. At long last the two of them took their first steps in America. Roman had another feeling mixing with is excitement and fear. It felt different and that feeling could not be described.

 

Anti climax. This is a monumental event. Their first steps on american soil. Think of the start of Carlito's way: when he's released from jail he shouts "Free at last, free at last! Thank god almighty, i am free at last!" Why am i saying this? Because you see the joy, the relief. In this passage, it's too matter of fact, like a cold blooded assassin coming to do a simple job. Make us feel the moment. Have Roman act accordingly. Write it as he walks down the ramp. The sights and sounds of the dock - show us how they differ to Serbia. That first step onto the concrete - that should be a big moment. "It felt different and that feeling could not be described." Yes, it can, and you should be pulling out all the stops to make us FEEL it! You don't have to say "it felt great" but put us IN roman - as i said about the smells, the sights, the sounds - what about his heart? Is it racing? Is he breathing fast? Sweating? it is cold? Colder than he imagined, or warmer? How does he feel, walking down that ramp? Like that last day of school, walking to the doors. When you're out. Make use feel it! This is a big moment, and as the reader, i feel i've missed it.

 

Roman looked around. There was their ship neatly docked. He spotted some workers chatting to each other next to a big crane. But he had no idea what to do next, but he was still grinning and he turned to Stefan who was wearing a smile on his face.

 

"Well what do we now?" Roman asked Stefan.

 

Stefan turned to him, still grinning. He said "One of the guys in the ship said that the place we are right now in is called Broker. There is a man here who can find us some jobs. The guy on the ship gave me the directions. Come on."

 

On the whole, not a bad piece. Except for you forgetting fullstops after dialogue, there's not a lot wrong with this. Mostly, though, i find it lacks description, and therefore lacks the depth to carry it over.

 

Yugoslavian war ended in 1995 and which is further confirmed by Florian things that happened to Niko occured 12-13 years ago making it 95-96. Roman left former Yugoslavia in 1998. Sure there was still Kosovo war, but I doubt it had so much influence on Roman's family. 

 

Roman's mother was probably dead before he was leaving, because it's said that Niko told him she died in the fire of the house. 

 

Why the hell Roman is going to LC by ship? Simply, because you wanted to almost copy the scene from IV along with some quotes. We had planes back in '98, you know, so I guess Roman was getting to US by plane. He very likely spent some time in some immigration camp, where most of the people escaping from their country were relocated. 

It's never revealed HOW Roman got to the states, but one would assume he would have traveled legally - and thus most likely by plane. I liked the concept of arrival, seeing the skyline etc, but I think Tycek's right - a ship arrival would have been, most likely, and illegal entry, as Niko's was. Roman, in order to run a business as he does, and own property, would likely need to be a legal immigrant - therefore, arrival by legitimate means, and most likely plane. This still allows him to marvel at the city though - perhaps more so as he's literally flying - seeing it from above, the grand buildings etc, might be a good thing to show. Coming out of the airport and into a cab or train allows you to show us more of the city and Roman's amazement at it, and his optimism.

 

But even then, this doesn't really go anywhere. It's just a scene of a man getting off a boat - there's very little story here. Some conflict - having him go through customs and immigration control - could add some tension or even humour to things. As far as Roman spending time in an immigration camp - i personally would avoid it. It seems too.... derogatory, although i personally have no idea if the USA did such a thing in New York in the nineties. The US is built of immigrants, after all, so if you've got legal entry, i see no reason for this.

The problem here is Roman's backstory in IV is a long one - ten years he slept under his desk iirc. It's not stepping from a boat or plane and working for three hours. I like the concept, but i think it's something more suited to a multi-part story, and tbh you haven't hit the spot emotionally for me. It's good, but could be better.

[Vercetti42]

Thanks for the feedback Mokrie. I'll admit, this was rushed but I only wanted to see what people think of the concept.

 

I do agree, my biggest problem with writing is describing the scenes. For some reason I tend to focus more on the dialogue, I really need to improve on that part to be honest. Any tips?

[Mokrie Dela]

I have a few.

1 - the most important:  PATIENCE. Learn to feel your story, and feel when it's ready. You'll want to put it up and say "LOOK AT THIS" like an excited child, but resist. Here's a great tip i learned:

 

write your story (or chapter, whatever) and when it's done, give it a once over for spelling or whatever. Then:

DO NOTHING. Write the next chapter. Write another story. Leave that story festering for a week. Basically, let your mind forget about it (this day and age you can set a reminder in your calender in case you DO forget about it). But leave it for as long as you can. A week is best imo

 

Then proof read it. I advise to have at least 3 edit runs, checking for different things (as you do this you'll get better and be able to do them all in one go). They are:

1 - Tense. Make sure it's all "He did" "He said" or "He does" or "He says". Make sure you're sticking to the correct one - past or present. Make sure you're not saying: "John ran down the road, his gun in his hand. He looks at Dave and shouted. "No!" Dave said. John turns and shoots." - See what's wrong there?

 

2 - Viewpoint.  Read some of City of Lies or Justice in Flames (most notably the chapter that Eminence went through) and you'll see i've had problems with this in the past. Also a lot of modern novels do this - pretty much any Tom Clancy book (especially the newer one written by someone random guy). That is mixing view point. Putting it simply: if your story's a film, where is the camera? Watching everyone like a witness? In Roman's head (for example)? Keeping it focused will be better than all over the place, but either can work if you write it well enough. Read eminence's critique on Fallout (the locked one, not the re-post), and he mentions this. At first we see the lone man appear. Then we're in the heads of a guard, then in the head of the lone man - it's all over the place. Imagine yourself as a film director. How many cameras do you have or need? Just one? Where is it?
Where is the story being told from? If this is Roman's personal story, keep the "camera" in his head - the reader will know his thoughts (so be careful keeping stuff back!) and see everything from his point of view - Roman, for example, will NOT know what Stefan's thinking, so if you use Roman's viewpoint, make sure you only tell us what Roman sees and knows. Hope that makes sense.

3 - Spelling and Grammar. Not much to say on this - and it's the most brainless of edits. You've got to look at each word, and it's annoying, but has to be done. If using a word processor software, be careful - when you say "he ran from the cops" - if you mistype, word might change it to "he ran form the cops". Use spell checker, but also use your eyes.

 

If you're not that great, I suggest using one read through for each of the above 3 points. As i said, keep it focused - search for one, then the other. If you're confident, you can do all this in one run, or combine viewpoint and tense or whatever. But there's the 3 things you need to look out for, and they WILL trip you up at times.

 

With that done, you have a choice. Accept it, or set it aside again. If you're happy, upload it. If you're patient, set it aside for another week, write more, come back to it fresh, and read it again.

One thing I've not mentioned yet, though, is the quality of writing. In general, you want to use as few words as possible.

"No," he voiced his disagreement. - that can become "No," he disagreed. or even "No," he snarled. Note the last example adds some context - he's not saying it, he's angry.

"Wake up," Dad said as i dozed lazily. - "Wake up," Dad ordered angrily. -  "Wake up!" Dad barked.

Personal style and preference comes into play, of course and generally, slow scenes have longer sentences, and action or tense scenes have shorter.

If you're showing two people walking down the street, talking calmly, then you can have long sentences - but only if you're saying what you need to. Don't add things in for the hell of it.

But when sh*t hits the fan, you need to be quicker. Punchy. Cut all the fat, and show only what's needed. Be precise. Pick up the pace. sh*t's going down; there's no time for long sentences.

Notice how i wrote the two examples above?

This is by far, the hardest part of writing. We can all write. We can all learn the technical side. Spelling, grammar, tense, viewpoint - these are science. Fact.
But the actual writing? Now that's the trick. My advice is to go through all the stories in here - Justice in Flames (the aforementioned critique by Eminence, which i will like you to if you wish); the locked "Fallout" (Again Eminence's run through but ziggy's too) - Read these critiques, and see the points raised. See where I've gone wrong, and how i've been told to fix it. Then, if you want, rewrite my scene to fix those points - but either way, learn those bits of advice. If you're still at school, you've got a great thing: your english teacher. Get him to read your edit (fix viewpoint and tense etc first) and get him to give you feedback.

Feedback is what will make you a good writer, and good feedback will teach you how to fix one point. But also, read other people's works. Go through it yourself. What's working? What's wrong? If you're not confident in doing that, PM me the critique (if you'd rather do so privately) or PM eminence or ziggy or aceray

As for description, that can be hard too. It's easy to get bogged down in the details (see the scene in Fallout where the man gets his sword out), but equally as easy to omit the details (as you have done in this one). One way of doing it is to just sit with your eyes shut. Take some deep breaths, meditate if you're into that. Relax yourself. Turn off the TV, put earplugs in - isolate yourself if needed. Then just press PLAY in your head, and watch your scene as though it was a movie. What do you see? If you're on that boat, or plane, what do you see first? The skyline? Then what? Lights in the skyscrapers? Is it day or night? Is it raining. Showing how characters feel is only really done a few ways - inner monologues (I am so sick of this sh*t! Roman thought) or through actions (With a grunt, Roman threw the phone book against the wall. "f*ck off!" he shouted, setting his head in his arms on the desk). You can't really describe feelings the same way you can paint the world.

Remember, they call it setting the scene, so set the scene. But again, and this is the f*cking curveball, you can overdo it. "The air was filled with dancing snowflakes" - sounds poetic, and lovely, but can you just say "Snow hung in the air like fog." ? Viewpoint comes into play again here - if we're seeing it through Roman's eyes, from the plane, he won't know if it's hot outside (though the plane might be hot - cramped, dank, musky?) but he can see the city. He'll see the myriad streets, the cars, maybe even the people if he's low enough? On the boat - have you ever been on a boat? What's it smell like? The salt in the air, the oil and lubricant of the ship, sweat and stench of over-worked sailors?

 

Here's something you can do. When you go out, let's say to a Subway store. When you walk in, write that scene in your head.

"Ace walked through the door, instantly hit by the warmth and the smell of cheese and meat. He unzipped his coat and removed his gloves as he stepped into the queue. Ahead of him was what he always likened to an assembly line. Four workers stood behind the counter as they assembled the sandwiched.
"Six inch Meatball," Ace said, his neck craned up to the signs. "Wheat-bread please."
"Want that toasted?"
"Oh yeah, it's freezing outside."**
"It was frosty this morning," the worked slipped the bread into the oven. "Next please?"

Ace stepped up and, thirty seconds later he was asked what salad he wanted. He made his choice and the sandwich was passed on to the final worker.
"Two-seventy nine." The woman - an attractive brunette - said. "Would you like a drink, or make that a meal-deal for three poind?"
Ace stared blankly.
"Sir?"
"Sorry." Ace shook his head. "I was miles away," Imagining you naked.

"That's okay sir. Did you want a drink, or cookie?"
"A drink, yeah. No cookie; i'm sweet enough."
The woman laughed at the terrible joke and Ace paid. He took his lunch and headed for the door.
"See ya," he said, looking back and giving the woman a wink on the way out.


Now, that might not be great, but you can do that in your head sometimes, and if you're sitting there eating, just type it on your phone as an exercise. That'll help you "put yourself in the character's shoes"
Of course you might look like a weirdo haha

 

Hope that helps. Reply or PM if you need any more.

*make sure you do research here - i don't know if that's what it's called, so check it first. If not, just say "glass counter" or something, but specific details are great - say Steel, not metal, Ham and Cheese sandwich, not food....

 

** note here "Ace" has said it's cold - we've implied it earlier, and now confirming, but mostly - this is what you would say! (its what i say anyway!)

[Vercetti42]

That was a long post but I read the whole lot of it. Yes, I'll think I read your works and other works such as Peasant Blurs even more. And I actually do dream up my scenes, you got that right but sometimes people think I am a weirdo.

 

As for what I think is working for me, I feel that I'm pretty good with conversations/Dialogues and I've got some good concepts. What's not working is planning, proof reading and describing the scenes. Personally for a 13 year old, I think I'm actually making some quick progress. Maybe in another 2 years when I am only 15, I might become an excellent writer. I must not become too over-confident but it also helps to be optimistic at times.

[Tycek]

 

Yugoslavian war ended in 1995 and which is further confirmed by Florian things that happened to Niko occured 12-13 years ago making it 95-96. Roman left former Yugoslavia in 1998. Sure there was still Kosovo war, but I doubt it had so much influence on Roman's family. 

 

Roman's mother was probably dead before he was leaving, because it's said that Niko told him she died in the fire of the house. 

 

Why the hell Roman is going to LC by ship? Simply, because you wanted to almost copy the scene from IV along with some quotes. We had planes back in '98, you know, so I guess Roman was getting to US by plane. He very likely spent some time in some immigration camp, where most of the people escaping from their country were relocated. 

It's never revealed HOW Roman got to the states, but one would assume he would have traveled legally - and thus most likely by plane. I liked the concept of arrival, seeing the skyline etc, but I think Tycek's right - a ship arrival would have been, most likely, and illegal entry, as Niko's was. Roman, in order to run a business as he does, and own property, would likely need to be a legal immigrant - therefore, arrival by legitimate means, and most likely plane. This still allows him to marvel at the city though - perhaps more so as he's literally flying - seeing it from above, the grand buildings etc, might be a good thing to show. Coming out of the airport and into a cab or train allows you to show us more of the city and Roman's amazement at it, and his optimism.

 

But even then, this doesn't really go anywhere. It's just a scene of a man getting off a boat - there's very little story here. Some conflict - having him go through customs and immigration control - could add some tension or even humour to things. As far as Roman spending time in an immigration camp - i personally would avoid it. It seems too.... derogatory, although i personally have no idea if the USA did such a thing in New York in the nineties. The US is built of immigrants, after all, so if you've got legal entry, i see no reason for this.

The problem here is Roman's backstory in IV is a long one - ten years he slept under his desk iirc. It's not stepping from a boat or plane and working for three hours. I like the concept, but i think it's something more suited to a multi-part story, and tbh you haven't hit the spot emotionally for me. It's good, but could be better.

When I was writing I didn't mean US camp, God forbid. I meant kind of camp located in some european country. There is little backstory to it and it got a little different background, but I believe it didn't change much. It's real life story about my uncle's sister. She and her family escaped from Poland before Martial Law were put in order (before 1981). They travelled to DFR and for some time lived with my uncle who was working there. I don't know whole backstory to it, but finally they were put into transfer camp (I don't know official name for this kind of institution, but all emigrants from Eastern Bloc were put there). After some time they were transferred to Italy to another camp. They spent two years inside with three year old baby of theirs and finally got choice: new life either in Australia or Canada. Many Poles were going to latter, but they picked Land Down Under and now they're living near Melbourne. 

 

I believe story with Roman would be similar. He probably escaped during war ('95 - '96) scrapping all his savings together to pay smuggler's fee. Many people from Yugoslavia were escaping to Italy or Greece to seek better life in France or Germany. Roman could be even smuggled by Bulgarin (he owned smuggling business and during war you can live like king with that kind of work), for whom Niko worked later. Roman got caught as illegal in Italy and put into transfer camp (like my uncle's sister), where he spent some time (even two years) and as a free man with new life he picked US, travelling there via plane with green card in his pocket.

 

It's not that strange that people seek help escaping from their worn torn countries. Take Libyans for example, sitting in poor conditions in Italy.

 

To sum up I'm seeing it like this.

 

'95 - Roman is smuggled to Italy (for example)

'98 - Roman leaves Italy and moves to US

      - Roman starts as a cab driver (low education job, many immigrants take)

      - With savings he bought a cab (confirmed in game), then second one (confirmed in game) and finally a depo (confirmed in game). Since he already knew the basics of the job, it was rather natural to start doing something similar instead of jumping into deep water.

      - Roman buys apartment (confirmed in game)

'08 - Niko comes into Liberty

 

That's my POV of course and you can use totally different ideas. I wanted to clear things about camp Mokrie.

 

@Ace

Sorry for stealing topic for a while, with the little story I posted.  

[Mokrie Dela]

Pretty much bang on there. Practice makes perfect. When I was your age I wrote my first full-length novel. I read it a few years later - it was sh*t. Really sh*t. Your writing is good, don't worry. Some things take time, and we're all learning, every single day. Writing exercises are a great tool at times, which is why I talk to highly of el Zilcho's One Shots topic - I used that as a "write and go" - no edit, no proof reading, just try to get it right, and when it was at its peak, people did offer a little bit of feedback. It was great for writing a short and assessing it or having people give feedback imo. Shame it kinda sunk (though if you want, bump it).

 

When reading the works you and I mentioned, be sure to critique it in your head (even post - because you learn by doing) but also pay attention to the advice given.

Regarding dialogue, one thing you can do (be careful with this!) is, if you're out and about, eavesdrop. Listen to people's conversations, and their speech patterns and phrases. Obviously in real life a lot of people say "er" and "um" a lot and you want to avoid this in writing (Unless your character has a stammer or something).
I couldn't see much wrong with your dialogue tbh. Remember that what your characters say carries meaning too - hence my comment in the subway example of "it's freezing" - it's authentic but also it conveys scene description.

 

Seeing as how you've said you're 13, definitely take advantage of your english teacher. He/she should be able to offer you some feedback and advice. Mine loved reading my story (though how much of that was an act, i don't know - the story was pants, after all). Friends too - if you have an academic friend or sibling, then get them to do so. If not, that's what we're for - but google for some other writing forums too as the more people that can offer feedback, the better.


I do like this concept of Roman's backstory though. Probably wise to play IV again and pay attention to all Roman says (Or read this!
One thing i did well in COL/JIF (i think and others said) was get the characters right. Learn them well enough, and you can do what I did (or tried - i THINK it worked) with Roman in JIF: change them. Like I've been told about "once you've mastered the rules, you can break them". In fanfiction when you're writing a pre-existing character, you really have a fine line to walk - so take. your. time. That's the best bit of advice i can give - take your time.

Good luck, and i actually hope to see this return as a gripping drama about Roman's struggles in coming to america.


P.S. If you know anyone who runs their own business, sit them down and talk to them about when they set it up. Ask them how it felt and what problems they faced. You can use this information to aid writing Roman's starting of the cab business in future - if you write that of course. Remember the 5 Ps - Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. If you want any more tips or hints in planning or anything else, PM me or post in the Writers' Room .

 

P.P.S
Tycek - that's a good point. It all depends on how Ace wants the story told - if he wants the focus to be Roman's life stateside, or something than what you suggested couldn't be used in anything more as a back story . I don't remember Roman ever suggesting that in IV (not that I'm questioning your knowledge of course. I remember the WOWAI days!), but it certainly makes a good backstory. In fact, it raises a good question: how DID roman get to the states? Was he legal? Could he have just flown from Serbia to the US, via germany or something? Hmmm. Ace, you got some thinking to do there, pal!